Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

That’s fine. So, perhaps the best thing to do is to press charges. 
I really do not owe you or anyone an explanation why I did it this way. If you’re not able to comprehend that I did my best and I come here for “support” , not nitpicking at my inability to navigate this nasty situation due to fear, seemingly disadvantage and lack of experience with this according to you, then perhaps you played your part at missing the point. 

Look. I am on your side, I have been in your shoes. It just seems that going to the President after the fact is maybe you're hoping you can get rehired, or use it as a chance to get revenge on your boss or something.

Let karma do it's job. Glassdoor exists as a way to rate companies and difficult bosses. Or go to your favorite review site and complain.

Going to the top boss after quitting on the spot may not have been the best way to handle the situation. Instead, it would have been better to address your concerns directly with your boss and then bring it to HR or the appropriate supervisor if necessary. 

I also want to remind you that standing up for your boundaries doesn't mean causing drama or trying to get someone in trouble. It means advocating for yourself and finding a solution to the issue at hand. In the future, if you encounter difficulties with a manager or co-worker, try to address it directly and find a resolution. And if things continue to be difficult, consider finding a new job  where you can feel respected and valued. 

This former boss of yours is eventually going to make mistakes with the President because he's obviously not a great manager. If the President is on the ball, he'll eventually connect the dots. Trust me, I've seen it happen a million times. 

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Look. I am on your side, I have been in your shoes. It just seems that going to the President after the fact is maybe you're hoping you can get rehired, or use it as a chance to get revenge on your boss or something.

Let karma do it's job. Glassdoor exists as a way to rate companies and difficult bosses. Or go to your favorite review site and complain.

Going to the top boss after quitting on the spot may not have been the best way to handle the situation. Instead, it would have been better to address your concerns directly with your boss and then bring it to HR or the appropriate supervisor if necessary. 

I also want to remind you that standing up for your boundaries doesn't mean causing drama or trying to get someone in trouble. It means advocating for yourself and finding a solution to the issue at hand. In the future, if you encounter difficulties with a manager or co-worker, try to address it directly and find a resolution. And if things continue to be difficult, consider finding a new job  where you can feel respected and valued. 

This former boss of yours is eventually going to make mistakes with the President because he's obviously not a great manager. If the President is on the ball, he'll eventually connect the dots. Trust me, I've seen it happen a million times. 

I understand that I might of not handled it in the most professional and productive  way.

I didn’t have the map of navigating this, however my intention wasn’t to get revenge on my boss. My boss does have a lot of positive qualities and I did communicate that to the President.  I know intention doesn’t matter at this point. 

I know that there are some things I have to work on myself to be able to address these issues in a much more effective way in the future.
Hence, I come here and share what actions I have and haven’t taken. I am being honest and vulnerable. It’s not an easy thing to admit my missteps and being gently with myself. 

I believe that I had mentioned in my post that if you disagree with me coming to the President, please refrain from commenting. I know that you from what it seems have my best interest in your heart, however, I don’t want to feel like I have to battle the comments on this site on top of dealing with my situation. 
 

I do appreciate your input and I do agree with what you’d shared. 

[doingtherightthing]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sorry I have to say something here. You can be very rude to those who oppose you.  We are here to give our opinions in hopes that they will help.  We don't just blindly support people we disagree with.  I'm not even sure there are forums that do that.  One thing is clear about this forum the more people you oppose, the less replies you will receive to your threads.

Correct, that’s why I had mentioned to not comment if opposing about my decision. However, people are free to do as they please and I know it’s coming from a good place. In the future, I’ll just refrain from replying to it.  

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

I understand that I might of not handled it in the most professional and productive  way.

I didn’t have the map of navigating this, however my intention wasn’t to get revenge on my boss. My boss does have a lot of positive qualities and I did communicate that to the President.  I know intention doesn’t matter at this point. 

I know that there are some things I have to work on myself to be able to address these issues in a much more effective way in the future.
Hence, I come here and share what actions I have and haven’t taken. I am being honest and vulnerable. It’s not an easy thing to admit my missteps and being gently with myself. 

I believe that I had mentioned in my post that if you disagree with me coming to the President, please refrain from commenting. I know that you from what it seems have my best interest in your heart, however, I don’t want to feel like I have to battle the comments on this site on top of dealing with my situation. 
 

I do appreciate your input and I do agree with what you’d shared. 

Excuse me, but this is an open forum. We can post however way we choose so long as it is under community guidelines.

[doingtherightthing]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Excuse me, but this is an open forum. We can post however way we choose so long as it is under community guidelines.

Totally agreed. 

[doingtherightthing]

8 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Totally agreed. 

I do apologize if my reply was rude and offensive. I appreciate all input. 

[doingtherightthing]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Look. I am on your side, I have been in your shoes. It just seems that going to the President after the fact is maybe you're hoping you can get rehired, or use it as a chance to get revenge on your boss or something.

Let karma do it's job. Glassdoor exists as a way to rate companies and difficult bosses. Or go to your favorite review site and complain.

Going to the top boss after quitting on the spot may not have been the best way to handle the situation. Instead, it would have been better to address your concerns directly with your boss and then bring it to HR or the appropriate supervisor if necessary. 

I also want to remind you that standing up for your boundaries doesn't mean causing drama or trying to get someone in trouble. It means advocating for yourself and finding a solution to the issue at hand. In the future, if you encounter difficulties with a manager or co-worker, try to address it directly and find a resolution. And if things continue to be difficult, consider finding a new job  where you can feel respected and valued. 

This former boss of yours is eventually going to make mistakes with the President because he's obviously not a great manager. If the President is on the ball, he'll eventually connect the dots. Trust me, I've seen it happen a million times. 

Also, it’s fair to say that my inner resources are limited therefore I handled this situation insufficiently. 
Intent and actions are different , I understand,  but we all have to start somewhere. 

[doingtherightthing]

18 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, I just don't think that you were prepared for his advances and you felt threatened but at the same time you LOVED YOUR JOB.  You were in a tight spot and frankly not one you should have ever been in.  To me, the owner has a huge responsibility and issue here.

I’m looking into EEOC and filing an inquiry to see what my options are. 

[doingtherightthing]

15 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I think you have more options than you might realize. One of poster suggested to put this situation behind you which I agree with but only you know what you feel is the best path forward for YOU.

I do have a lot of anger that I need to process. Perhaps, once I process that, I’ll put this behind me. I know that I’m at a disadvantage here really and to be honest, I’d rather put this energy into new work than anything else. 
At some point, when this whole thing started, I thought that the boss “fell” for me or  had a crush on me and just couldn’t process his emotions. 
I don’t know, a part of me , still  wants to believe that he mishandled his “feelings.”

Naive, right? 
 

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

No, I think that is a natural thought.  At any point, did you feel yourself having FEELINGS for him that went past say friendship?

To be honest , I couldn’t answer that because I’m not the person to allow myself to feel inappropriate feelings. I know for a fact that when I thought his intent was genuine, I knew that I had to keep myself in check. He’s a married man. He was my boss. So given the context of the situation, I didn’t look at my feelings or lack of feelings as something “real.” 
There’s no way to distinguish that, correct? 
Im thinking, if I did/do have feelings then they would begin right away. When I began the job, I never saw him in that “light” so it makes me think whatever came after isn’t genuine. 

He had power over me, so there’s no equal footing for feelings to arise. 
I’ve  mentioned this before, that if for an example the boss was divorced , on his own merit, and not my boss anymore, I’d explore it. I would never want to be the cause or even put that idea into his head. This was my thought process at the beginning of his “interest” in me. Now, probably not. 

There were some positives to our relationship. I think the way that he went about it and how it played out plus the disproportion of power, was really a lost battle before it even started. 
Hoping that this makes sense to you and isn’t taking wrongly. 

[doingtherightthing]

17 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

No, I think that is a natural thought.  At any point, did you feel yourself having FEELINGS for him that went past say friendship?

I honestly thought that he should and would keep his “feelings” in check. It became apparent to me that he wasn’t able to or perhaps never intended to. Perhaps, he didn’t even realize how he’d come across. I just knew that if I stayed, the professionalism would be at stake because any discussion I had with him, he’d turn into personal one and his emotions drove him more than anything else. 
Once again, this is just a speculation of mine based on his behavior. I could be totally wrong. 

[doingtherightthing]

6 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It was just a curious thought/question.  Maybe, this is standard procedure for him.  Are most of his subordinates female or male?

In the beginning, it was more females. Then, he said, there was too much “estrogen” and he began hiring more males. 

[doingtherightthing]

11 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It was just a curious thought/question.  Maybe, this is standard procedure for him.  Are most of his subordinates female or male?

What’s a standard procedure for him? To come onto his female subordinates? 

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

Yes and having POWER over females which is so warped.  I wonder if this is how he feeds his ego.  

Most likely. I’m sure he didn’t expect me to confront him and etc and I’m sure it became even more “interesting” to him to “tame” me down. I’m pretty sure it is a game to him. 
He’s get shy and nervous around me a lot, however it can be social anxiety. 

[Alpacalia]

Just being completely honest, you do seem a bit like you WANT to be caught up in this at least to some extent. 

I mean, you said IF he wasn't married or your boss that you would explore it. Are you sure you weren't feeling a bit flattered by his attention? I can't help but think that maybe there could be something there on your end. But it's understandable, especially if you're in a vulnerable state and he's giving you this attention and making you feel special. 

But at the end of the day, it's not about the feelings or potential feelings. It's about the dynamics of the relationship and the power imbalance that makes it inappropriate and potentially harmful. So regardless of any potential feelings, it's important to set boundaries and maintain respect for yourself. 

I can understand why you might feel the need for closure or to discuss this with the president, but it's important to also take care of yourself and not put yourself in a vulnerable position. The best thing to do is to move on and focus on your own well-being. 

I hope everything works out for you and that you're able to find a positive resolution to this situation. 

[doingtherightthing]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Just being completely honest, you do seem a bit like you WANT to be caught up in this at least to some extent. 

I mean, you said IF he wasn't married or your boss that you would explore it. Are you sure you weren't feeling a bit flattered by his attention? I can't help but think that maybe there could be something there on your end. But it's understandable, especially if you're in a vulnerable state and he's giving you this attention and making you feel special. 

But at the end of the day, it's not about the feelings or potential feelings. It's about the dynamics of the relationship and the power imbalance that makes it inappropriate and potentially harmful. So regardless of any potential feelings, it's important to set boundaries and maintain respect for yourself. 

I can understand why you might feel the need for closure or to discuss this with the president, but it's important to also take care of yourself and not put yourself in a vulnerable position. The best thing to do is to move on and focus on your own well-being. 

I hope everything works out for you and that you're able to find a positive resolution to this situation. 

Completely agree. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint any real or conceived feelings on my part or his part because of the power imbalance dynamic. 
 

I’m moving forward and putting this behind me. To be honest, I am tired and just want to forget about all of this. 

[MsJayne]

It doesn't matter that your comments weren't received well by the company president, you got it off your chest and fulfilled your work obligations, and that's all that counts as far as closure goes. Let other people be enablers, be proud that you're not one of them .  

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

What’s a standard procedure for him? To come onto his female subordinates? 

 The client he's fooling around with is not a subordinate.  Seems like he just likes female attention.

[doingtherightthing]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 The client he's fooling around with is not a subordinate.  Seems like he just likes female attention.

Very much so. I hope it strokes his ego to the max.
Poor guy. I’m being sarcastic , of course. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

I’m moving forward and putting this behind me. To be honest, I am tired and just want to forget about all of this. 

I hope you can.

In addition to my former boss, I had a class a couple of years ago and the professor always commented on my work. He offered me a position as a TA which I was absolutely thrilled with possibility of being a TA professionally.

But one day, he wanted to meet one on one to discuss "personal things" and learn more about my personal life and my gut instinct told me it was not appropriate and I never went. I turned down the TA position. He was married also.

I never gave it a second thought, but I did want to make sure I was reading the situation correctly. I could have very well gotten him fired and maybe I should have but my position is that I don't want to be further ensnared in it. Now, if he sexually assaulted me or harmed me in some way, that would be different. However, as it stands, it seems like his behavior was inappropriate, but not criminal.

If he had assaulted or coerced someone, it may be my moral obligation to report him. But for now, I am just going to take my power back and move on.
 

[doingtherightthing]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I hope you can.

In addition to my former boss, I had a class a couple of years ago and the professor always commented on my work. He offered me a position as a TA which I was absolutely thrilled with possibility of being a TA professionally.

But one day, he wanted to meet one on one to discuss "personal things" and learn more about my personal life and my gut instinct told me it was not appropriate and I never went. I turned down the TA position. He was married also.

I never gave it a second thought, but I did want to make sure I was reading the situation correctly. I could have very well gotten him fired and maybe I should have but my position is that I don't want to be further ensnared in it. Now, if he sexually assaulted me or harmed me in some way, that would be different. However, as it stands, it seems like his behavior was inappropriate, but not criminal.

If he had assaulted or coerced someone, it may be my moral obligation to report him. But for now, I am just going to take my power back and move on.
 

I totally understand. I’m sorry you had to deal with it and I’m glad you caught onto it and did what was best for you. 

Crazy coincidence is I had a professor that was kind of “weird” with me and asked me to  come before class to make sure that I perform well in class. I took my friend with me as I knew it was best not to spend one on one with him. 

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

I totally understand. I’m sorry you had to deal with it and I’m glad you caught onto it and did what was best for you. 

Crazy coincidence is I had a professor that was kind of “weird” with me and asked me to  come before class to make sure that I perform well in class. I took my friend with me as I knew it was best not to spend one on one with him. 

Thanks.

I think you have some anger towards this past boss. I'm just wondering if it's because he crossed a line (which would be a natural reaction, of course....), or because there are some misplaced feelings on your end. I say that because some of your comments sounds like you have an axe to grind and want to "bring him down" somehow.

In either case, I'm sorry this happened to you.

[doingtherightthing]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks.

I think you have some anger towards this past boss. I'm just wondering if it's because he crossed a line (which would be a natural reaction, of course....), or because there are some misplaced feelings on your end. I say that because some of your comments sounds like you have an axe to grind and want to "bring him down" somehow.

In either case, I'm sorry this happened to you.

I can see how that would come off as me trying to bring him down. However, no. 

Karma will take care of it. 

[NuevoYorko]

11 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Correct, that’s why I had mentioned to not comment if opposing about my decision. 

So why would you post on this forum for advice, if you will only accept input from people who agree with you?  You seem to have one person here who is not going to challenge you in any way.  Why not just private message that person?   

I'm not even gong to express my feelings about you going to the president of the company to unload about your boss - not to make a formal complaint.   I do wonder whether you're willing to share WHY you felt compelled to do that and what you were hoping to get from it.  

[mark clemson]

JMO - you should have saved this for a therapist, which the president of your former company is definitively not. Companies and views vary, but senior management will sometimes overlook quite a lot for a high performer, which it sounds like perhaps this former boss of yours is/was. I mean look at fricking Matt Lauer.

Unfortunately your boss tried to take advantage of this tendency and figured he could make physical passes at you and see if you responded. You didn't, AND the boss backed off IIRC, and yet you still continued to be "concerned" over it and left. That's fine, you shouldn't have to work in an environment where you feel uncomfortable. However the chances of the company president "doing something about him" for someone who's now left approach zero.

IF you thought something might get done about it, you probably would have gone to the president before leaving. But I suspect at some level you felt nothing would be done so left instead. Again that's fine, but going and telling the president after quitting is putting the cart before the horse.

I would note in passing that this thread is about workplace harassment NOT being an OW, as you never were one to begin with. It seems that whether your boss was married or not would have little to do with the harassment aspect - yet you even mention it in the title of the thread.

I understand if you feel aggrieved about being put in this situation (who likes to feel uncomfortable at their job), but it's weird that you posted it under OW and mention that he's married. Almost as if you're fishing for online attention via "moral outrage" from the strongly anti-cheating folks who (are among those who) frequent this site.

Edited July 22, 2024 by mark clemson