Need to get this off my chest

[yolo87]

So I was in a LDR for over 6 years. We had our ups and downs, but I generally thought we worked well together. Past 6 months haven't been great. Life got in the way, jobs, health, standard things that come part and parcel with life. 

Anyway, I hadn't seen them for a while and we had a visit. I instantly knew that it wasn't the same and we needed to talk. We talked numerous times during that visit. Talked about if we wanted to stay I'm the relationship, if we were happy or were we better off as friends. I was told they were happy, just not as happy as they were. I knew something was up then I was told they were suffering really bad with their mental health and depression. They said they don't feel happiness at all atm. 

 

We both agreed to give it a proper shot, go back to basics and see what happened cause we both agreed there was still a fight in us. After a few days, my partner was acting cold again and just generally being up and down. 

 

I came home and we had another chat, I asked them was this definitely what they wanted as they were very off with me etc. They instantly said on the phone they were happy with me just not the circumstances. I said was it time we had serious conversations about closing the gap and they said they were unsure. 

The next day they rang and coldly ended it. They said the spark has gone, they don't have as much feelings for me as what they did and they need to put their own feelings first. Honestly, I thought it was maybe their mental health talking and they might change their mind. We talked again later and they were so matter of fact. Said they love me but not as much etc. And was just so emotionless. I was shocked as I have never seen them like that. After we spoke, I didn't know if i was ever going to talk to them again. We spoke that night in a more normal way. They chatted about stuff and said they want me in their life and wanted to be friends. I said that after 6 years I agree as we always said we worked well together. I felt sad but I was also accepting. 

The next day it was like a light switch. Texting me as normal but only in a friendly way. Asked for a video call and spoke for ages. Everything was normal only there was no affection or anything. This past week it has been the same. We have talked actually more than normal - hour long calls a few times a day. But everything is just so friendly. 

 

I have had a hard time to adjust to this. I said that I am hurt at how easy it has been for this person to adjust to the friend role so soon. To carry on as normal but without the affection or caring messages.i actually said this to them and was met with they're trying the best they can. 

 

I have given them advice on how to help their life. Advised them not to isolate themselves as they were doing this due to their mental health. They have reached out, and are meeting up with their friends next week. 

 

Everything now is just so friendly. Their whole terminology they used, their texting style - Everything. I don't know how one day you can be in a relationship and the next day a friendship and just be ok and carry on as normal? Surely there would need to be a period where you gather your thoughts and get clarity. But nope. 

 

We are planning to meet up in a few weeks to go to a show which was booked. We are talking about potentially booking a holiday. They're saying that they're wanting me to be a best mate in their life. I did agree that sometimes friendships can be closer than relationships. But I also added that you need to be emotionally connected as close friends. It can't be just talking about superficial stuff. Plus there needs to be genuine affection in close friendships. 

 

My head is just all over the place. I was thinking along the lines that they might change their mind, but nope. They have given zero indication that they would consider getting back together. I think I'm just bummed at how quickly they were able to adapt. That whole emotional detachment. I did say that we could maybe help each other over the breakup but that requires both parties to be honest and to be in an emotional level. 

 

What we had was so special. They were my person. I could have lent on them for anything and vice versa. We're still talking as normal but without all that. It's almost as if they have forgotten what we had and has flipped a switch. 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

This is because they were over you before the break up.  They still love you as a person and as a friend but are no longer in love with you.  You have been friend zoned. This friendship situation will not work because you are still in love with them.  I don't think friends have to show affection in order to be friends.  Not affection in the way you would give to a lover anyway.  Sooner or later they will meet someone they will want to date.  Are you able to be around them and their new love without feeling hurt?  If not, you can't be friends with them.  Don't think that you can try being friends in hope of getting back together.  That rarely works because the one who called for the break up will not be happy and will end it again.  It's best to move on when someone breaks up with you.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, yolo87 said:

We had our ups and downs, but I generally thought we worked well together. Past 6 months haven't been great. Life got in the way, jobs, health, standard things that come part and parcel with life......I hadn't seen them for a while

Ups and downs.  You "generally" thought you worked well together.  Prioritising jobs and standard things over each other.   This is not what a great relationship looks like, and it would have been during this time that your partner was able to disconnect without too much problem.  If you're living together or near to each other, you can still keep functioning as a couple but it sounds like the connection between the two of you had become tenuous.  If you're not there for each other, you get used to it and then there's nothing to miss when it ends.    

Kindly, how did you expect a LDR to last when the gap wasn't going to be closed relatively quickly?  It's one thing if you're apart for a year and trying to work out how to be together or waiting for visa approvals, but six years???  It's not going to be sustainable 

Both of you should expect more than a partner who you rarely get to see face to face.  Both of you should expect more than someone who lets life and standard things get in the way of a relationship.  And if it's long distance, both of you should expect the other to make a solid effort to visit on a regular basis.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/14/2024 at 9:11 PM, yolo87 said:

We are planning to meet up in a few weeks to go to a show which was booked. We are talking about potentially booking a holiday

Terrible ideas, both of them. Do not do this. 

This person does not get the luxury of your "friendship" right now. It's completely unrealistic to expect you to be besties, or even just friends, right after a break-up. You need time to heal away from your ex. The daily phone calls need to stop. Plans to meet up need to be canceled. And silly ideas about going on holidays need to be garbaged. 

On 5/14/2024 at 9:11 PM, yolo87 said:

I don't know how one day you can be in a relationship and the next day a friendship and just be ok and carry on as normal?

Because your ex had already emotionally let go of the relaitonship by the time they found the courage to break up with you. That's why it seems easy for them. They're past the grieving stage, while you are just entering it. A switch didn't flip; it was a slower detachment on their end that culminated in the end of the relationship. 

Please take care of yourself and take ample time and space away from the ex. You cannot be friends at this time.