I (M30) never dated before

[dan79]

Hey guys,

I'm 30M and I have never dated before. I want to tell you some backstory. I don't want to expose too much details let's just say I have never dated before till my 30. I'm not the most social person with the best social skills, and never been romantically interested, but picked up my life at 28. I've never had a crush or fell in high school or college. I always thought I was aromantic.

Now that I want to try dating. I've been on a few dates with a few girls. My first date was really nerve wrecking but exciting at the same time because I had no idea what the person is like, what to expect etc. First date was super fun, I had a really good time. Then I went some other dates too. I went on a few dates with the same girl I met. Here's the part as a man I am confused. I have weird mixed feelings, feeling super confused. Just plain weird feeling, I don't understand it. I kind of hate this feeling, I've never felt it before. As a man I feel so vulnerable, and don't like it. Is it normal to feel this way as a man? I don't understand what's going on. I'm trying to fight it or distract myself.

Edited May 15 by dan79

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, dan79 said:

Hey guys,

I'm 30M and I have never dated before. I want to tell you some backstory. I don't want to expose too much details let's just say I have never dated before till my 30. I'm not the most social person with the best social skills, and never been romantically interested, but picked up my life at 28. I've never had a crush or fell in high school or college. I always thought I was aromantic.

Now that I want to try dating. I've been on a few dates with a few girls. My first date was really nerve wrecking but exciting at the same time because I had no idea what the person is like, what to expect etc. First date was super fun, I had a really good time. Then I went some other dates too. I went on a few dates with the same girl I met. Here's the part as a man I am confused. I have weird mixed feelings, feeling super confused. Just plain weird feeling, I don't understand it. I kind of hate this feeling, I've never felt it before. As a man I feel so vulnerable, and don't like it. Is it normal to feel this way as a man? I don't understand what's going on. I'm trying to fight it or distract myself.

Yes! Dating is very confusing, difficult and at times plain uncomfortable, it's the negative stuff which goes along with the good things that can come out of it.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way, even more so as you are getting into it later in life.

[Noctis79]

I'm turning 36 next month, but I've never had a relationship or girlfriend. Now it's starting to dawn on me because I see a lot of people around me who do have relationships. To be honest, my life was a big mess on the road to self-destruction a few years ago. I was a mega introvert, gamer, difficulty socializing and a shut-in. I had never worked a day in my life and barely had a social life or friends.

One day I had enough and managed to pull myself out of this spiral. Not in a day, but gradually, slowly, but surely, I worked towards change. I felt like a loser and achieved nothing in my life. I was tired of stocking shelves at the grocery store, so I applied for a job in IT. Over the years, I developed social and communication skills. Speaking in front of a large group in meetings is also something I've genuinely become good at. You wouldn't have seen me presenting in front of a large group before. I gradually came out of my shell, and looking back, I can say I've made drastic progress. Now I'm much more open and social than I was a few years ago. Career-wise, things are going better than I ever expected. By working hard on myself, I've been promoted to move forward. Next week, I'm starting my new opportunity! Today, I had a conversation with my manager who told me I have come a long way I should be very proud of my growth. I discovered that I'm very passionate and ambitious, among other things. I have no idea why I lived as a shut-in for all those years. Meeting up with lots of people used to be nothing for me, but I enjoy it nowadays. Honestly, I've taken more risks and stepped out of my comfort zone, and as a result, I've succeeded at my professional career. I'm satisfied with the progress, but I should have taken the step much earlier! My self-confidence is also much improved because of this.

Now I'm financially stable with a permanent job/contract and have an cozy apartment. I'm now wondering what the next step is. Although my social skills have improved, I still feel insecure, feeling like I'm never ready or good enough to date. I'm fully aware that most women don't find an insecure man 'sexy,' but that's the situation I'm in. I'm a late bloomer. It seems like I'm missing life experience that I should have learned in high school or college.

Now I do have a lot indoor hobbies like reading, gaming, watching movies/series, playing piano. I realized I sit still a lot for my IT work, so I have recently started running, home fitness and picked up martial art. Recently, I also bought an e-bike to enjoy the outside more, I live in a big cycling city. With the great weather it's great to take a trip on the e-bike.

I still want to keep growing as a person. I would like to meet more people and date, but I have no idea where to start. I've never had a proper conversation with a woman, remember not long ago I was still a shut-in guy with barely a social life. I'm not really the type who understands body language or a woman well. I'm not good at flirting or being outgoing. Going to a bar and getting completely drunk is not my thing.

Does anyone have similar experiences or tips? What's my next step?

Edited May 30 by Noctis79

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

See if there's a cycling club in your city and join them. They usually arrange outings together riding their bike, and there's a chance you might meet other single women there. If there's anyone who might seem like your type, then you can ask her out. Then when you're one on one, you can talk about your recent achievements at work, you can ask about her family, work. If you've ever traveled out of town, you can talk about nice places you liked or even your preferred spots to ride your bike. If she's into reading or going to the cinema, books and movies you love can also be a topic, or you could ask about her tastes. Warning: don't talk about your awkward past just yet. That you've never dated etc.

Other ideas to get a circle of friends: go play golf or join a golf club, go to reading/poetry events and book presentations, check out your local public library after working hours. Attend local events with lots of people and try to have someone joining you, or meet up with people you know at those events. Go to concerts. Those are all opportunities to meet many people and start talking to women.

If you want to have some experience at least kissing a girl, you could go to a disco club one Friday or Saturday night and make a move on one of the girls/women there.

Edited May 30 by justwhoiam

[merobt]

Hey Noctis,

I came across your post as I was preparing to make my own on my own issue. My own results from the fact like you, I am a late bloomer. I actually didn't start dating at all until my mid forties!

Getting a late start, you're really going to be fighting yourself. Like you, I am an introvert. At every setback, I want to revert to the old recluse way, as it was a hell of a lot easier. If you really want that date, you're going to have to fight it. It is *not* going to be easy.

Build a social circle first, something I kind of skipped over. While you possibly could do without, it's better you develop those skills with those you have no interest in. A woman is going to pick up on you lack of skills, and possibly interpret them as being uninterested or being "emotionally unavailable." At least if you spend time around others in a social setting, you can correct your mistakes before they matter.

I say it again: make friends first. Screw up with normal people before you start screwing up with a potential mate that you may end up caring about.

Body language is a tough one, my friend. While you're going to have to ultimately learn that skill, the best thing I can say for not is do not assume. You're not sure? Ask. Speak your mind. Assumptions are going to cause you trouble because you're going to get them wrong. I had a bad habit of trying to figure it all out for myself. Failed every time.

As far as being insecure, yeah, it's not sexy but it's not something you're going to be able to change at the snap of a finger. You have decades behind you of acting a certain way. You can either just say it straight out, or try to fake it. A woman may pick up on it, or if you're good and lucky, she may not. The other possibility is she misinterprets your insecurities as something even worse. A platonic social circle is going to help you here (get the running theme?).

And by social circle I don't mean your singular best bud who is the only person you spend time with other than your family. You're going to need a few. Inrteracting with a few different personalities **outside of coworkers** is going to give you exposure and practice at handling different situations.

Gonna drop the sex thing here. I don't know what your experience is, but I had none. My first attempt at a relationship I was 45, and well, yeah I was a virgin. The way I saw it, I could possibly fake it, and end up looking like an idiot because I had no clue what I was doing. I just came out and said it. "Remember that movie The 40 Year Old Virgin? Yeah, that's me." I took the chance, admitting not knowing what I was doing was going to be a turn off or at least honest and awkward.

One thing to keep in mind as well, at your age and your target age group, women are going to have history. You're not young and get your choice of moving on to a clean slate if you find out she has issues. You're going to have to learn to navigate that on top of learning the relationship thing. You're going to be dating women that have married and divorced, abused and maybe still don't trust men, bitter, or perhaps even a late bloomer like yourself. Take it one step at a time. If she seems interesting, don't let her history get to you. On the flip side, don't put up with garbage from a woman with history just because you feel you don't have a choice. This is something I'm dealing with right now, and it's a tough one to navigate.

Just as justwhoiam mentions, you do not want to bring these deeper issues up at the start. However, you may have to address them at some point, so be prepared.

Don't let your age let you feel desperate. Listen, I'll be honest, you're already this late in the game, don't make a mistake you're going to regret for a long time. Take your time just as you may have had you been a little younger, you'll appreciate it later.

Edited June 1 by merobt