Why do people do this?

[GNRFan]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's 100% your prerogative to be turned off by whatever you want.  And within bounds of the law, it's 100% another person's right to say what they want.   We may not always like the way another speaks or conducts themselves, but really, all we can do is choose to not have contact with them

You are 100 % correct. The issue is some of these women inquire as to why I do not want further contact. I am 110% honest with my response. Some take it negatively some understand. I am not out to hurt anyone.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, GNRFan said:

You are 100 % correct. The issue is some of these women inquire as to why I do not want further contact. I am 110% honest with my response. Some take it negatively some understand. I am not out to hurt anyone.

You really only need to be 100% honest.  The extra 10% is likely hurtful

[GNRFan]

Just now, basil67 said:

You really only need to be 100% honest.  The extra 10% is likely hurtful

Good point, thank you for your input! 

[Sony12]

52 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

It seems like you are the one who is judging people for wanting something casual. You are assuming that women who want physical only should act and convey themselves as less than ladylike. Tell us, who hurt you?? I am old enough to know what I am and what I am not comfortable with, hence the thread.

Don't get offended by people on the Internet that you don't know. People here do casual too and have more experience with it than you do. And if they don't feel like you are ready for that type of dating than it's their prerogative to feel that way.

[GNRFan]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Don't get offended by people on the Internet that you don't know. People here do casual too and have more experience with it than you do. And if they don't feel like you are ready for that type of dating than it's their prerogative to feel that way.

No offense taken in the least bit. I have an opinion and will let you know exactly how I feel, weather you want to hear it or not. And for the record I am very experienced. 

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

And for the record I am very experienced. 

That's fine if you feel that way. However you did create a thread just a little over a week ago about the subject and in your opening post there you said 'I wouldn't even know how to find an FWB'. 

So obviously you can see why others reading your posts might think otherwise.

[GNRFan]

11 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

That's fine if you feel that way. However you did create a thread just a little over a week ago about the subject and in your opening post there you said 'I wouldn't even know how to find an FWB'. 

So obviously you can see why others reading your posts might think otherwise.

One doesn't really have anything do with the other mate. I followed the advice and went on dating apps. And, now here we are. 

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

One doesn't really have anything do with the other mate. I followed the advice and went on dating apps. And, now here we are. 

FWB's doesn't have anything to do with casual dating? Alrighty then.

[GNRFan]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

FWB's doesn't have anything to do with casual dating? Alrighty then.

Not what I meant. FWB doesnt have to do with the way people interact with eachother on a social level. Facts.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

Not what I meant. FWB doesnt have to do with the way people interact with eachother on a social level. Facts.

A lot of women on apps are a little offended by guys who flat out say they are just looking for an FWB and at times won't be real nice to them.

Even if you are mainly looking for an FWB it's good to keep that option open for an actual relationship to develop if both of you would like to turn it into something more serious. As you might be surprised. A situation that started as casual for me ended up turning into a two year partner and we still talk occasionally to this day.

[GNRFan]

16 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

A lot of women on apps are a little offended by guys who flat out say they are just looking for an FWB and at times won't be real nice to them.

Even if you are mainly looking for an FWB it's good to keep that option open for an actual relationship to develop if both of you would like to turn it into something more serious. As you might be surprised. A situation that started as casual for me ended up turning into a two year partner and we still talk occasionally to this day.

I am really happy for you. I have sad something similar in the past. I put my intentions out there first, no misling on my part. So no one gets offended. Women choose to proceed or not. Ho harm no foul.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Sony12 said:

That's fine if you feel that way. However you did create a thread just a little over a week ago about the subject and in your opening post there you said 'I wouldn't even know how to find an FWB'. 

So obviously you can see why others reading your posts might think otherwise.

Wait... so less than two weeks ago you didn't even know where to start, and in the short space since getting that advice and making this post, you've gotten so much interest from from women open to a FWB that you're seeing a pattern?  

I'll straight up suggest that your (albeit brief) study suggests that a reasonable proportion of women who are looking for an online FWB feel no shame in being quite open about their recent sexual history.  And they know they can be this way because experience has taught them that it's not a dealbreaker for the guys who do take them home.   And with this information, I doubt they are losing sleep about you being 110% honest about how you feel about them.  They will probably agree with you that the connection was not going to be workable

Kudos to you for not judging someone on their sexual history.  But do you really want to risk your sexual health with someone who's has actually been playing with three other guys noodles this week?      There's a difference between not judging and actually inviting it into your own life...and this is why I asked the question about whether it was the frequent random sex which is the problem or the disclosure of the frequent random sex.   Because I'd be eternally grateful if someone disclosed this level of casual sex so that I'd know to run in the other direction.  

 

Edited May 17 by basil67

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, GNRFan said:

It seems like you are the one who is judging people for wanting something casual. You are assuming that women who want physical only should act and convey themselves as less than ladylike. Tell us, who hurt you?? I am old enough to know what I am and what I am not comfortable with, hence the thread.

I think this idea is a bit archaic. Ok if a girl is sleeping with three guys in a week she's no "lady", then again a lot of us are no "gentlemen" either. Neither were they back in the day when chivalry was a thing, everyone was made to marry early and many men had 3/4 mistresses on the side. There's a bit of playing pretend involved.

That being said I get the point in the original post. If you like to sleep around that's your choice, but broadcasting it to the world isn't exactly endearing. If I'm on a first date with a girl I don't exactly want to know how loud some guy was making her moan last week, and any attraction there was up to that point would be pretty much gone. It's a good idea to just keep that stuff to yourself.

 

[Sony12]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Wait... so less than two weeks ago you didn't even know where to start, and in the short space since getting that advice and making this post, you've gotten so much interest from from women open to a FWB that you're seeing a pattern?  

I'll straight up suggest that your (albeit brief) study suggests that a reasonable proportion of women who are looking for an online FWB feel no shame in being quite open about their recent sexual history.  And they know they can be this way because experience has taught them that it's not a dealbreaker for the guys who do take them home.   And with this information, I doubt they are losing sleep about you being 110% honest about how you feel about them.  They will probably agree with you that the connection was not going to be workable

Kudos to you for not judging someone on their sexual history.  But do you really want to risk your sexual health with someone who's has actually been playing with three other guys noodles this week?      There's a difference between not judging and actually inviting it into your own life...and this is why I asked the question about whether it was the frequent random sex which is the problem or the disclosure of the frequent random sex.   Because I'd be eternally grateful if someone disclosed this level of casual sex so that I'd know to run in the other direction.  

 

Sounds like he may have been expecting to spend that money and/or effort and have some luck immediately. It generally takes some trial and error to find something that works for you in regards to having much luck on apps (and dating in general).

This whole thread seems to be just about him venting than anything else.

[mark clemson]

On 5/15/2024 at 6:37 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You're going out with the wrong people. 

This right here, although it never gets to the "going out" stage.

There are men who would enjoy what they see as "the openness" and/or be all over what they see as (and likely is) the "easy bang". However that's not you - and you're right to just move on.

On 5/15/2024 at 6:43 PM, GNRFan said:

What I am not ok [with] is you telling me how many shlongs you sucked last week. This tells me A) you are trying to impress me B) you are trying to emasculate me or C) you have no social skills

Certainly these women aren't right for you. Them having sex with someone else doesn't emasculate you, though. That feeling is coming from you. RESPECTFULLY, I think you should introspect a bit on this. You want your sense of your masculinity to be less fragile than this, ideally. That doesn't mean you have to love them talking about banging other guys, I do agree it's questionable social skills and probably becoming more commonplace as people are accustomed to sharing/oversharing on SM, etc. But something for you to think about.

Edited May 17 by mark clemson

[GNRFan]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This right here, although it never gets to the "going out" stage.

There are men who would enjoy what they see as "the openness" and/or be all over what they see as (and likely is) the "easy bang". However that's not you - and you're right to just move on.

Certainly these women aren't right for you. Them having sex with someone else doesn't emasculate you, though. That feeling is coming from you. RESPECTFULLY, I think you should introspect a bit on this. You want your sense of your masculinity to be less fragile than this, ideally. That doesn't mean you have to love them talking about banging other guys, I do agree it's questionable social skills and probably becoming more commonplace as people are accustomed to sharing/oversharing on SM, etc. But something for you to think about.

My masculinity is just fine. Talking about banging other dudes is in fact emasculating behavior. 

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

Talking about banging other dudes is in fact emasculating behavior. 

How does them being arguably too open equate to trying to make a man feel emasculated?   I'm struggling to see your perspective

Edited May 17 by basil67

[GNRFan]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How does them being arguably too open equate to trying to make a man feel emasculated?   I'm struggling to see your perspective

Look at the reason why someone would say this or tell someone else this. To tear them down. To make them feel bad. Not all the time, but sometimes. 

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

Look at the reason why someone would say this or tell someone else this. To tear them down. To make them feel bad. Not all the time, but sometimes. 

Nah I think you're way off with this. There's a big difference between getting in a fight with a girl you're dating and her saying she wants to bang your friends for example as some kind of mind game, and what you're describing.

I think these girls probably just either weren't thinking or that they were being really sex positive and liberal, but weren't thinking it was probably way TMI for a few minutes into a first date. Nada to do with you.

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

Look at the reason why someone would say this or tell someone else this. To tear them down. To make them feel bad. Not all the time, but sometimes. 

I can certainly imagine a guy getting turned off, but how does it tear a guy down or make them feel bad about themselves?   

I'm not trying to be obtuse - it's that if the genders were reversed I'd just get the icks about the level of his promiscuity and high risk to my sexual health and head for the hills.  And I wouldn't consider that he had any ulterior motive about making me feel bad

Edited May 17 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, GNRFan said:

My masculinity is just fine. Talking about banging other dudes is in fact emasculating behavior. 

Only if you insist on feeling emasculated by that.

Other guys might find it arousing, for example.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t like such amount and intensity of open sexual talk at such an early stage, either. But I can certainly imagine exceptions. It’s totally possible that two people share that kind of thing on the first date and then fall in love with each other and stay together forever.

I agree with the responses here, it’s a question of compatibility.

Not sure why you seem to be so outraged by that. If you don’t like women who talk like that, just don’t date them.

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can certainly imagine a guy getting turned off, but how does it tear a guy down or make them feel bad about themselves?   

I'm not trying to be obtuse - it's that if the genders were reversed I'd just get the icks about the level of his promiscuity and high risk to my sexual health and head for the hills.  And I wouldn't consider that he had any ulterior motive about making me feel bad

It really doesn’t tear a guy down. It’s just something some people do, for whatever reason. Maybe they are foolishly bragging. Maybe they think they’ll impress the other person talking about their experience and skills. Maybe they are just trying to be brutally honest, putting all the cards on the table. Maybe they are insecure and just babble nervously. I highly doubt they have an ulterior motive to make the other person feel bad.

[GNRFan]

I am not sure why it comes across as emasculating but to me it does, not sure why. Will delve into that. In the past, I have had met women casually and had sex on the first date. We did talk about sex prior, in generality, likes and dislikes if you will. No mention of past experiences, current partners etc. And yes its compatability.

[Goodguy05]

On 5/16/2024 at 12:12 AM, GNRFan said:

I will preface this by saying mostly everyone has a sexual past that is theirs to own. Myself included. I have noticed a lot lately that upon connecting or meeting someone through casual conversation about dating that person will overshare about their current sexual situation or past situations with exes. There is a time and a place to have that conversation if both parties are comfortable discussing so but not in the getting to know someone phase. I will give you two examples of my frustration: Woman 1 - matched on a dating app, had a decent conversation on the phone, divulged the app is not working out for her, she slept with 3 different guys in 3 weeks and feels no one takes her seriously, I politely said thank you but no thank you. Woman 2: Happen to meet at a Starbucks and started a conversation, exchanged numbers. Although she was more refined than woman 1, same thing, she just had to tell me about the married guy she is fornicating with. Having to hear these things are frustrating to say the least. I am no angel, put I don't put details out there within 24-72 hours of meeting someone.

Welcome to the world of online dating lol. Personally I don't take anything they say seriously until we meet face to face. Don't give out your no. either unless you believe there's potential.

Edited May 18 by Goodguy05

[basil67]

@GNRFan Given that this has happened to you in what seems like 2 out of 2 meet ups, I can't help but wonder if you've stumbled across a subculture with it's own rules on what is acceptable.   

Thing is, I can't imagine a woman getting to the point of reading ads on a hookup site because the average woman really doesn't need to.  So many get inundated with offers of casual sex through actual OLD that if this is what they want, they'd be spoiled for choice.  Which means that the women who do look at those ads are looking for over and above what the average woman wants.  Perhaps a different man every night, and the guys who are into this aren't bothered by hearing the stories.

If it is the case that the social rules are different, it's not that the women's behaviour is wrong, but rather, it's not the type of thing which would suit you.