Natasha26822 Posted May 15 Share Posted May 15 My boyfriend and I started dating around 6 months ago, he is a huge football fan and has a season ticket to go to every game. He also has a full time Monday-Friday day job but works additional evening delivery shifts pretty much every Wed-Fri. When we first started dating I felt like he made a huge effort to make plans with me, if there was an early football kick off he would come straight home after and we could go out for dinner, he wouldn’t work as many additional shifts so we could spend time together etc. however, this only lasted around 3 months and now i find myself only having time with him maybe once or twice a week on a weeknight or a Sunday. This will usually just be spent at my flat as he is hungover or skint from being out at the football the day before. He’s recently been given a promotion at work which I hugely encouraged him to go for, helped him with his interview research, etc. I’m so proud of him and wanted to celebrate this at the weekend but he is going to the football and then out with his friends after and chosen to pick up a shift on Friday night to pay for this. I’m really hurt that he isn’t making any time to celebrate with me after all the hard work we put in together. We’ve had so many arguments this past month or 2 around how he prioritises his time and every time he tells me that he can’t give up the football and that he has to work the evening shifts to afford his lifestyle. I feel at a loss now as he has been very honest about this, but I care about him so deeply and he claims to care about me too I just don’t understand how he can be happy not spending time with me if he loves me the way he says he does. He is perfect in every other way asides from this but I don’t know if I can build a life with someone who treats me as such a low priority in his life. He thinks it’s ok because we can spend more time together during “football breaks” but for me it’s not enough. It’s so early on in the relationship, I don’t know whether to call it quits now or see if things get any better. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 15 Share Posted May 15 How often are the football games? Is it an every Saturday thing? If you're not happy at 6 months in, honestly it's probably not going to get any better, so it's best to call it quits now. This period of time is known as the honeymoon phase - when people are all caught up in new relationship energy and are on their best behaviour. Yes, what you are seeing is his BEST behaviour. It doesn't look like much, but it's likely going to get worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 15 Share Posted May 15 OP, you definitely SHOULD and DESERVE be the top priority. I am sports guy but come on loved should and do always take precedent. Hopefully, you can make him understand how his actions are making you feel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 Maybe start having a social life separate from your relationship and stop making sure you're available when it's convenient to him, live your life as if he wasn't part of it, and if he wakes up to himself and rearranges his life, great, if he doesn't he's letting you now how unimportant you are to him. Guys who prioritise their mates over their partner are very suspect in my opinion, no matter how masculine they appear. Especially when they love blokey sports to the point that they can't wait for the next time they get to inhale the smell of the locker room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 9 hours ago, Natasha26822 said: We’ve had so many arguments this past month or 2 around how he prioritises his time and every time he tells me that he can’t give up the football and that he has to work the evening shifts to afford his lifestyle Kindly, you need to stop arguing because it's getting you nowhere. There is a saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". He's showing you who he is and now it's time to decide what to do with this information. Can you accept him for who he really is? Or is it a dealbreaker for you? (For what it's worth, it would be a dealbreaker for me) It's time for you to make a decision 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 12 hours ago, Natasha26822 said: for me it’s not enough Listen to your gut here. You know this is not working for you. 12 hours ago, Natasha26822 said: I just don’t understand how he can be happy not spending time with me if he loves me the way he says he does. This is an incompatibility in how you both define "love." He is completely content with keeping things more casual and squeezing you in around his other interests and commitments. He doesn't want more time together. Some might be fine with this, but you view love as more togetherness. Neither of you is necessarily wrong, but your expectations and values don't line up. Arguing about it is a waste of time. You are seeing how it really is to date him. It's up to you to decide if you want to continue, knowing that the situation likely will not change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 6 month relationship including 2 months of arguing that means it's not working. It worked at first because he made efforts but he could not sustain those efforts so now you see his true nature. It's not working for you, respect how you feel. Maybe it would have been ok for another woman, we're all different, but it's not enough for you. Time to let him go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 This is him. Either you accept him as he is or you don’t. And it sounds like you don’t. Don’t let six months turn into a year, or worse, a lifetime. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 Football? Football season is over. What kind of football games is he going to? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 48 minutes ago, stillafool said: What kind of football games is he going to? Probably soccer. My boyfriend is a huge fan and it runs from August to May. It's like that sport never takes a break. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 Any guy I ever had a relationship with, always took me everywhere with them...even one BF took me on all the guys camping trips. The only way to really be a part of this guy's life is to be a huge sports fan like him. If you both can't share your passions together, then this relationship has ran it's course. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: Probably soccer. My boyfriend is a huge fan and it runs from August to May. It's like that sport never takes a break. OP writes with British English, so you'd be right on the money. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 7 hours ago, stillafool said: Football? Football season is over. What kind of football games is he going to? OP writes with British English, and their soccer comp is underway. As are Rugby League and Aussie Rules in Australia.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 Sometimes guys will do this as a means of not wanting to become "trapped" in a relationship too soon, the ladies can take over a guys freedom and pull him away from his mates and the activities he likes to enjoy, in one sense I think there is merit in the stance the guy is taking, he is showing that he will be his own man and continue to enjoy the things he likes doing, In the long run this may prove beneficial to the relationship, although of course he should also be prepared to forget about the football for a day or two and make you feel his priority, Id venture its more he does not want things moving too fast yet, he does not want any notions from you about moving in together and is making a point about his need for keeping things more casual for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 I'm thinking he bought these season tickets before he met you, when he was single. Those tickets are very expensive so of course he will use them. This is the end of soccer season of course he doesn't want to miss a game. In 2 weeks season is over, sit tight till then. If l were his girfriend my next question would be if he plans on buying season tickets for 2024-2025. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 You need to accept an interest someone has like regularly going to sporting events. Others it might not be sports but they love to go to the symphony and have season tickets to see them. my question is —- what happens on weekrnds when there is no game to go to? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 (edited) OP, there are five “languages of love”, of which time spent together is just one. The other four are touch, gifts, words, and service. The best case scenario is, of course, being proficient in all five languages, but in reality not all people need all five. It appears that quality time spent together is “your language”, but probably not his. Is your BF good at at least three of those other “love languages”? Do you have the physical intimacy on the level that you need with him? Does he buy you presents, take you out on dates? Does he say words of affection and affirmation to you? Does he do things for you, helping you physically and mentally? The questions here is how overwhelmingly important the “time language” is to you, how good your BF is at other languages, and whether you both are able to make a compromise - him learning to “speak” the “time language” a bit better, you learning to appreciate his other languages more. Edited May 17 by Gebidozo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natasha26822 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 Just want to say a huge thank you to you all taking the time to reply to this post. It’s been a very stressful week and I’ve been reading the replies and found so much comfort in them. An update.. I have spoken with my other half about how I’m not completely convinced we are compatible as we place value on different things in life and that we may be better suited in the long run to partners who share more similar values. He completely broke down and admitted to me he does want to spend more time with me but he actually believes he has a substance abuse problem and uses while at the games. He thought he could cut it all out in the first couple of months dating me but realised he couldn’t and now sees how it is affecting our relationship (and other parts of his life). I’m completely devastated. The ‘good’ news is he wants to get better and has promised he will get help and talk to someone about it. I’ve said that I’m willing to support him through whatever he needs. However, I have also made it clear that if things don’t change in the next couple of months that I can’t continue in the relationship, as much as this tears me apart I have to just hope that he really wants to help himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 Good for you. You really don’t want to be involved with a man who has a problem with substance abuse. He has some work to do before you should consider dating him - hopefully he gets some help and gets himself to a better place. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 (edited) 22 hours ago, Natasha26822 said: I’m completely devastated. The ‘good’ news is he wants to get better and has promised he will get help and talk to someone about it. I’ve said that I’m willing to support him through whatever he needs. However, I have also made it clear that if things don’t change in the next couple of months that I can’t continue in the relationship, as much as this tears me apart I have to just hope that he really wants to help himself. oh sweetie, you need to just move on. This is just 6 months dating, this relationship does not have the good solid base to go through this. My best friend is 28 years sober from drug/alcohol and is involved with people's recovery and he warned me to never ever get involved with someone that is not at least 5 years clean. Under 5 years people are fragile and can fall back into addiction multiple times when faced with stressors. This is not your battle, please let go and wish him well. Edited May 20 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 On 5/19/2024 at 12:08 PM, Natasha26822 said: An update.. I have spoken with my other half about how I’m not completely convinced we are compatible as we place value on different things in life and that we may be better suited in the long run to partners who share more similar values. He completely broke down and admitted to me he does want to spend more time with me but he actually believes he has a substance abuse problem and uses while at the games. He thought he could cut it all out in the first couple of months dating me but realised he couldn’t and now sees how it is affecting our relationship (and other parts of his life). You've only been dating 6 months and the relationship already has all these problems. It's time to walk away from this mess. If it's not working now at only 6 months of dating, it's unlikely to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts