She had a dream that I cheated and now she's upset IRL

[Trail Blazer]

This morning, my SO and I woke up to the howling protestations of her cat's empty food bowl.  This is not an unusual occurrence, especially on the particular mornings like this one where she's rostered on to start late.  It is usually on these mornings where we can sleep in until awoken by natural (or introduced forces 😸) which do not involve an alarm, connect intimately and still have time to relax and share a coffee and some breakfast whilst not feeling rushed.

As it were, this morning seemed be no exception to this rule, and so when she returned to bed after feeding the needy fur-child, she grabbed her cell phone and immediately started scrolling the socials.  As we embraced in bed, she was a little standoffish, and proceeded to tell about how she did not sleep great after waking up to a horrible dream.

As I lay in bed, listening to her describe what happened in her dream, from the apparent position of everyone else knowing what was happening but remaining mum - to her finally finding "the room" I was in and ripping off the bed sheets to expose what she'd known in her dream for some time (me having sex with another woman) - I couldn't help but wonder, "is this really a precursor for being in the dog house?" 

I laughed and tried to make light of the situation by saying, "Hey, waddayaknow, after all that, look who's in bed with you!"  I did make mention of the fact that for most of the night I was asleep on the couch, after having fallen asleep binge-watching that crazy Netflix series Baby Reindeer, and pondered aloud whether or not my lack of presence for most of the night in bed (which she noticed, too) had subconsciously triggered anything.  It was an emphatic "no" from her end.

As I attempted to divert the conversation back to reality, she persisted, describing how awful the dream was, and how, after she had exposed me, I lashed out in anger, yelling at her and telling her how it was all her fault!  She said she had never seen me angry like that and it was so horrible and upsetting.  She wasn't visibly upset, but she said it just felt horrible.  She then got out of bed, went to the kitchen and starting making breakfast.

We didn't talk about it again that morning. She went off happy enough, and I am sure that it will blow over by the time she arrives home from work.  However, it just seems a little odd that this dream could pretty much derail the Wednesday morning routine that we both so very much cherish and preserve.  

Has anyone else experienced dreams of a similar nature where it has had a profound short-term impact on your ability to bond with your significant other, despite there being no other issues in real life that would have otherwise affected the status quo?  I, myself, have woken up to some pretty bizarre and unpleasant dreams in the past, but never once have I dreamt about a partner being unfaithful.

 

 

Edited May 16 by Trail Blazer

[glows]

Dreams usually aren’t literal. If she felt betrayal or distrust of you or your reactions in the past it might manifest as this scenario at random, not necessarily that she thinks you’re a cheater. This is just a hunch and obviously not me telling you what she feels. 

I sincerely hope you expressed empathy and asked her how she feels now, not just brushed aside her feelings with jokes. I don’t blame you if you felt blindsided and upset also by what she said as if it taints your character. If I had to guess she doesn’t often trust your reactions in general. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are both making a mountain out of a mole-hill. 

She had a bad dream, and slept badly as a result. So it follows that she didn't have the best morning. I don't see where you are in the dog house, beyond her not feeling like lingering in bed. 

Don't overthink this one. You are interpreting this as some deep rupture to the relationship when all it was is a slightly off morning. Why panic? It will blow over and shouldn't require some profound analysis or discussion, unless there are other issues at play that you two are dancing around. 

Are there? 

 

[Alpacalia]

Were there any recent difficulties before the dream?

Certainly the inability to move between dream and conscious states can stem from unresolved issues, and can occur unexpectedly. But I never fault my dreams; instead, I acknowledge their symbolic significance and endeavor to heed their message without letting them impact my relationships.

I had a dream once (years ago) that my mother was decapitated by a train. It left me in such a horrible state for the remainder of the day, I admitted to that "feeling of tragedy" being a deeper worry of losing her and it hit me like a bullet. It also shook me to think of the my day-to-day way of life. In any case, at the end of the day it was only a dream, but I learned a pretty cool lesson about some feelings I didn’t even know I had.

There have been times when the subconscious notices cues from a partner that something is off, so maybe that's what your girlfriend's mind is trying to convey? Cheating dreams are tough, not necessarily be about cheating, rather losing control over a reliable person. Perhaps your girlfriend is worried subconsciously about something she can't control in the relationship.

It's interesting that in her dream she experienced you telling her it is "all her fault." That's what she chose to focus on after the dream...

Perhaps she feels guilty or is projecting her own insecurity onto you, who knows her best. Maybe she just watched a lot of drama on Netflix and her subconscious mind is trying to keep up with it. Who knows.

If she needs some reassurance that's fine but don't apologize or behave as if you did anything wrong. You can't take responsibility for her dreams. Unless you've been doing something to nudge her into a panicked state on this, her dreams are most likely just random noise.

Edited May 16 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

All the damn woman wanted was some consoling, support and to just be heard. You totally  dissed her feelings when she needed you to be there for her. Gee whiz. 

Now go buy her some nice flowers, and apologize. Let her know you should have been more empathetic. Give her nice hugs.

Edited May 16 by smackie9

[basil67]

I feel like she just needed a loving hug

[Trail Blazer]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you are both making a mountain out of a mole-hill. 

She had a bad dream, and slept badly as a result. So it follows that she didn't have the best morning. I don't see where you are in the dog house, beyond her not feeling like lingering in bed. 

Don't overthink this one. You are interpreting this as some deep rupture to the relationship when all it was is a slightly off morning. Why panic? It will blow over and shouldn't require some profound analysis or discussion, unless there are other issues at play that you two are dancing around. 

Are there? 

 

No.

Look, the only part of my post to take seriously was the last paragraph.  I was genuinely curious to hear the experiences of others' similar dreams and the effect they've had on them.

The segue into my question was merely to provide context, and I attempted to do so in s tongue-in-cheek manner.  Perhaps this didn't translate through text as how I'd hoped.

Alas, I'm certainly not panicked.  I'm just sparking a little conversation.  No doom amd gloom at my end. 😀

[Trail Blazer]

22 hours ago, glows said:

Dreams usually aren’t literal. If she felt betrayal or distrust of you or your reactions in the past it might manifest as this scenario at random, not necessarily that she thinks you’re a cheater. This is just a hunch and obviously not me telling you what she feels. 

I sincerely hope you expressed empathy and asked her how she feels now, not just brushed aside her feelings with jokes. I don’t blame you if you felt blindsided and upset also by what she said as if it taints your character. If I had to guess she doesn’t often trust your reactions in general. 

To the best of my abilities, yes, I did convey empathy.  However, as is my personality and a large part of why (according to her) she loves me, is that I can always make light of an awkward situation.

So, I guess you could say that both statements are true.  As always, balancing it can be tricky.  But, as a rule, I generally go with empathy first, and the jokes come after (when I've read the room and deemed it appropriate).

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

All the damn woman wanted was some consoling, support and to just be heard. You totally  dissed her feelings when she needed you to be there for her. Gee whiz. 

Now go buy her some nice flowers, and apologize. Let her know you should have been more empathetic. Give her nice hugs.

Right.  So, what I'm hearing is that my response to her dream being...

"Well, I had a dream once where I came home from work early and I busted you riding another dude reverse cowgirl but you don't hear me complaining!" 

... is deemed inappropriate? 😆🤔

Okay, okay... in all seriousness, no, there were no flowers involved.  However, I did cook her one of her favorite curries and popped open a bottle of the Willamette's finest Pinots.

Redeemed, surely! 😁🙏

[Lotsgoingon]

Nope, never had that happen. Never heard of a dream like this one. I would call that dream really a nightmare for her. One of my exes used to have nightmares about an abuser in her life from the past. 

Sounds like she was feeling frightened and insecure. Frightened by the subject of dream itself (dream time). Also she was insecure and afraid and maybe embarrassed that she had such a dream (now time). She might have had some moments of questioning her own sanity---and might not have felt strong enough to admit that to you. 

A hug, multiple hugs, simple words, simple reassuring words---those are what are best in situations like this.

"I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm here! I love you." Hug.  Rinse and repeat. And when she got up, it would have been great to just repeat all this once more in the kitchen. 

I am NOT saying you did anything wrong. I'm just sharing what I have found seems to work when people are really frightened and weirded out by something. We may be able to immediately see the absurdity of the fear. But the person experiencing it cannot. 

When a person is emotionally pained by a dream (or another experience) they need reassurance in the same way a frightened kid needs reassurance. We aren't in adult brain when we are disturbed by a frightening dream (this one really hit her hard--I usually forget my frightening dreams as soon as I wake up). Rational and logical sentences don't calm us down. Humor (though you certainly meant well) doesn't work in this situation--not immediately. Humor fits later after the person settles down and gets past the embarrassment.  Same with logical reasoning--save for later. 

People might have dreams like this for all kinds of reasons. Could be as simple as she really feels close to you and sometimes gets scared (no matter how good the relationship) of losing you. 

 

Edited May 17 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

I'm gonna tell you this...women are like squirrels. We store nuggets of information forever, and lord help you if an argument ever arises because that's when we pull this stuff out. To her she's putting this under the red flag category. She will always remember how she felt in that moment. She has reassessed your relationship up to that point, and she will, no doubt be assessing things going forward because that's how our brains work. Men, you are never truly let off the hook lol.