A very complex situation and subsequent relationship

[asher123]

I worked with a man up until late last year and we hit it off a few weeks before I left the company. He had a girlfriend so I didn't think much of it, until the night I left work and we were out together celebrating, he was flirting quite obviously. I asked immediately if he was in an open relationship and he confirmed he was. The night went on and we were having so much fun, we eventually kissed but nothing more, and continued the night until the wee hours. He then went home as did I.

I had asked him to a gig that night and followed up with him over the coming days. A few weeks later the gig comes around and we have an amazing time. We then go and chat at a bar and I ask him about this open relationship and how does it work, does he go back and tell his girlfriend about me, he said they only have other women for threesomes and always with permission. He said he hasn't told her about me and doesn't plan to. He then said they would be breaking up as she has recently changed her mind on wanting children and he does not want them, there is no way forward in the relationship. We kissed again and went home.

He pursued me from then onwards, we saw one another around once per week, and he told me he wanted to be with me about a month after we first kissed. He had penciled in the date he would break up with his GF, and we discussed how messy it was but something had pulled us together and if we were willing to move forward it could be something really great. I put a rule in place there'd be nothing physical until he was single and we stuck to it for a few months until we slipped and I went no contact as I was so ashamed. This didn't last long as we missed one another and we decided to be non-physical again.

He was constantly reassuring me he was committed to our relationship and the more he did and said the more I started to believe it. The time came when he was to break up with his GF and he did it, then deciding to move out which took some time. I could really see that we might have a future together as his actions were matching his words.

We started to be physical a few weeks before he broke up the relationship as we couldn't stop ourselves but he had obviously been emotionally cheating the entire time on top of the physical stuff.

Once he had moved out we were free to see one another as much as possible and it was wonderful, we spoke about future holidays, he met my Dad, he maintained how committed he was to me. I was growing a little annoyed that we hadn't made it official to the outside world though yet and he said he didn't want to do it a week after he'd moved out as that would be incredibly harsh to his ex, he stressed that we would talk some more and when we both agreed he would tell her first that we were in a relationship.

That time never came. About a week ago he went over to the house to see his cats and fix something and she was there. She had cooked him dinner and spoke about his Mum, he was very emotional about his Mum, he told me everything the following day and that he'd been struggling with the guilt of the cheating so much, he didn't want to tell me as he didn't want me to worry. He completely broke down and said he hates himself and how can I ever trust him, I told him I think you need to be honest with your ex or at least talk to somebody other than me as I'm the only person who knows he cheated. He said he would talk to his sister and that he's sorry he upset me and that things were just very mixed up in his mind and that he'd even thought about kids where he never has before, this spooked him. He apologized and said he's not ending anything and he didn't even want to burden me with any of this but he wanted to be honest as to how he was feeling. He was then back to normal and his affectionate self, talking about the future.

We were due to go somewhere two days later and we met and had a drink beforehand, he told me he was going to the house again as his ex had offered to do something for his Mum's birthday and he felt compelled as it was a nice gesture from her. He told me as soon as he had decided to go and that I don't need to worry about anything it was just a very emotional time for him this time of year. I did not take it well and said I don't think it's a good idea due to how emotional you were the other night and what happened after you came back from the house then. He said his feelings of guilt had been building and building and that going to the house didn't trigger it. I was not convinced though and was silent for the next few hours, he tried to comfort me and ask if I wanted to go home where I'd be more comfortable, I said no I want to be in public otherwise I might break down. I ended up talking to him about it shortly after and he brought up the guilt was eating him alive and that he can't tell her, he still feels like he is cheating on her when he's with me, and he will never forgive himself. He was crying and sounded so lost but I kept pushing that I need something to help me stay and fight for us but he couldn't offer me certainty as his head was so muddled. We went home and everything was fine again, he left in the morning and we texted throughout the day and night and he let me know when he got home from the house, to his new flat.

I barely heard from him over the next two days. I know he needed space so I didn't reach out until the end of day two and said I was stepping back as I didn't want any drama or disrespect and that he needs to sort himself out and come and talk to me once has done so. He texted back he wanted to come over the next night and he was sorry but he just needed some space, I told him no you can call me tonight I'm not waiting another 24 hours. He called me and firstly apologized over and over that he had put me through this uncertainty and that he was in a bad way, that he hated himself and that he cared about me so much but he feels were were doomed from the start to which I said you have NEVER said that before, how can you change your mind so quickly. He then said he now thinks he really wants children and that he was going to see somebody about it to make sure it wasn't just the guilt pushing him to do a 180. I was just shocked and said how could you do this to me, you instigated this entire relationship and we were just getting started now you change your mind? I asked him if he plans on going back to his ex and he said he doesn't know what he wants and that's what he needs to find out. I asked him if anything happened with his ex at the house and he stressed nothing did. 

I'm at a loss as to what happened. He was so certain and reassuring.

I know I may get little sympathy but this was a real relationship and I am heartbroken right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're so hurt. 

But this is not a very complex situation. It's your average affair story, with two people (you and him, but especially him) making a series of poor decisions and using poor judgment. He is your average cheater who wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and like many cheaters, didn't put his money where his mouth was. In the end, he wants her. And indeed like many cheaters, when push came to shove, he's choosing to hang on to his primary relationship and cut the Other Woman (you) loose. 

Understand that a happy and successful relationship with him was never really in the cards. You never would have been able to trust him because you'd always know that he is capable of deep dishonesty. Dating him would likely have been miserable simply because he has some significant character flaws and has no problem playing the women in his life. 

Please let him go completely. He is not the one for you, and never was. And don't make the same choices in the future. 

Edited May 16 by ExpatInItaly

[asher123]

Duplicate post

Edited May 16 by asher123

[asher123]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry you're so hurt. 

But this is not a very complex situation. It's your average affair story, with two people (you and him, but especially him) making a series of poor decisions and using poor judgment. He is your average cheater who wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and like many cheaters, didn't put his money where his mouth was. In the end, he wants her. And indeed like many cheaters, when push came to shove, he's choosing to hang on to his primary relationship and cut the Other Woman (you) loose. 

Understand that a happy and successful relationship with him was never really in the cards. You never would have been able to trust him because you'd always know that he is capable of deep dishonesty. Dating him would likely have been miserable simply because he has some significant character flaws and has no problem playing the women in his life. 

Please let him go completely. He is not the one for you, and never was. And don't make the same choices in the future. 

I think I know this deep down but I pushed him and pushed him to be sure - I actually cannot believe he gave up so quick after all we had been through.

He doesn't plan on telling his ex either, I almost feel like I should.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, asher123 said:

He doesn't plan on telling his ex either, I almost feel like I should.

Please consider that if you were telling his wife for purely altruistic reasons, you would have told her as soon as he made a move on you, and you would have walked away from him.  If you only tell her now, it will appear that you're only doing this from a sense of revenge.  As in, if you can't have him, you'll try to blow up his marriage.

Edited May 16 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, asher123 said:

He doesn't plan on telling his ex either, I almost feel like I should.

What would that gain you? You had no problem with his infidelity until it didn't work out in your favour. 

7 minutes ago, asher123 said:

I actually cannot believe he gave up so quick after all we had been through.

This tells me you don't know much about how cheaters operate (which is a good thing, in some ways) This sort of quick switch happens all the time. Have a read through the threads from other women on this forum and you'll see that the outcome here was actually fairly predictable. 

I understand your head hasn't caught up with your heart yet, but it will. And when it does, you will wonder why you went along with all of this in the first place. 

[stillafool]

He lied to you because they were never in an open relationship.  Like most cheaters they are happy until they find out their gf/spouse is no longer around and then the affair doesn't seem as exciting and they miss what they had.  That is when the 3rd party (you) end up getting the wake up call and get hurt.  Never get involved with a man who still lives with his wife/gf and can't show you divorce papers.

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, asher123 said:

I'm at a loss as to what happened. He was so certain and reassuring.

But, he was not certain the whole time… He has been playing both ends of the stick here. He has quite literally been bouncing back and forth between the two of you the entire time. I would argue, he has been in another relationship the entire time that you have been dating the man.

I think you put the cart before the horse here… and unfortunately, you have been burned. 

13 hours ago, asher123 said:

he still feels like he is cheating on her when he's with me

That’s because he has either been in a relationship with the woman or he still has feelings for the woman the entire time that you have been dating this man. He has been cheating on her with you - you chose to disregard that fact because you wanted to believe the promises he was making…

And note - he feels guilt for the fact that he has betrayed her… but, he has been more than willing to mislead you - where is the guilt he feels for what he has done to you? 

The simple truth is, men who do this kind of thing care primarily about themselves…

I’m sorry, but you really need to firm up your boundaries. The problem here is not that he pursued you as much as the fact that you said no, but meant yes. 

And for future reference, be very wary of any man who tells you that he is in an “open relationship” - hint, it’s not an open relationship is he keeps his relationship with you a secret from his girlfriend. 

Edited May 16 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, asher123 said:

He doesn't plan on telling his ex either, I almost feel like I should.

I don’t believe that she is his ex…

Edited May 16 by BaileyB

[asher123]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

He lied to you because they were never in an open relationship.  Like most cheaters they are happy until they find out their gf/spouse is no longer around and then the affair doesn't seem as exciting and they miss what they had.  That is when the 3rd party (you) end up getting the wake up call and get hurt.  Never get involved with a man who still lives with his wife/gf and can't show you divorce papers.

He moved out of their place and they were not married.

They are definitely not together all of his time was spent with me.

[Gebidozo]

Sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately, this happens quite often when a relationship starts as an affair. Affairs are, above all, symptoms of serious emotional, mental, ethical problems, especially on the part of the cheater. I’m sure that man honestly tried to make it work with you, but the underlying psychological issues behind cheating make it very hard for the cheater to understand and trust himself.

He said it himself, he doesn’t know what he wants. He wants to keep you but also keep his ex somehow. I know it hurts, but please try to move on. Next time you’ll know better, don’t have an affair with a man who is still in a relationship with someone else.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, asher123 said:

He moved out of their place and they were not married.

They are definitely not together all of his time was spent with me.

"Was" is the keyword here.  He has since realized that he doesn't want to leave his ex but is too coward to come right out and tell you that.  It's awfully funny that the mom hates his ex yet his ex wants to make plans to do something for her birthday.

 

On 5/15/2024 at 11:56 PM, asher123 said:

She had cooked him dinner and spoke about his Mum, he was very emotional about his Mum, he told me everything the following day and that he'd been struggling with the guilt of the cheating so much,

 

On 5/15/2024 at 11:56 PM, asher123 said:

he told me he was going to the house again as his ex had offered to do something for his Mum's birthday and he felt compelled as it was a nice gesture from her.

This doesn't sound like his ex and his Mom have problems with each other.  It sounds like she really likes and respects his Mom and wants to give her grandkids.  That's probably why he's now changing his mind about kids and now wanting them.  They had that discussion when he was over there for dinner.  

[asher123]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

"Was" is the keyword here.  He has since realized that he doesn't want to leave his ex but is too coward to come right out and tell you that.  It's awfully funny that the mom hates his ex yet his ex wants to make plans to do something for her birthday.

 

 

This doesn't sound like his ex and his Mom have problems with each other.  It sounds like she really likes and respects his Mom and wants to give her grandkids.  That's probably why he's now changing his mind about kids and now wanting them.  They had that discussion when he was over there for dinner.  

Sorry what? Where did I say the mum hates his ex? The mum is dead. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, asher123 said:

Sorry what? Where did I say the mum hates his ex? The mum is dead. 

Sorry about the mom comment, I mixed you up with another poster.  However the rest of my post stands.

[mark clemson]

Yes, things can get complicated sometimes.

Let's say she's actually his Ex.

It's clear he's not over her and actually fully done with the relationship, nor she with him apparently. Sometimes Ex's do hang around and "interfere" with their partner moving on. Sometimes they want the person back and sometimes they get them back successfully.

On 5/15/2024 at 8:56 PM, asher123 said:

I asked him if he plans on going back to his ex and he said he doesn't know what he wants and that's what he needs to find out.

This tells you everything you need to know. You either need to "fight for him to win him" vs the Ex OR let him go.

"Fighting for him"  is complicated and a pain to deal with. The straightforward thing is to let him go, let him sort out whatever he needs to sort out, and in the meantime be open to other relationships, as it's NOT clear whether he's coming back to you.

Edited May 17 by mark clemson

[asher123]

44 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Yes, things can get complicated sometimes.

Let's say she's actually his Ex.

It's clear he's not over her and actually fully done with the relationship, nor she with him apparently. Sometimes Ex's do hang around and "interfere" with their partner moving on. Sometimes they want the person back and sometimes they get them back successfully.

This tells you everything you need to know. You either need to "fight for him to win him" vs the Ex OR let him go.

"Fighting for him"  is complicated and a pain to deal with. The straightforward thing is to let him go, let him sort out whatever he needs to sort out, and in the meantime be open to other relationships, as it's NOT clear whether he's coming back to you.

To be honest I don't want him. He cheated on a partner of 7 years, lined up another relationship, backflipped on wanting children which was the reason he broke up with her in the first place, and now thinks he can go back and keep me a secret. 

The audacity. 

[mark clemson]

It does seem like a lot, doesn't it. Finding someone more stable, trustworthy, and available would seem the smarter move.