Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: And yet you're still spying in his phone. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Have you ever had a healthy relationship to compare this with? So it’s not a good thing that they don’t talk everyday Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 Have you not had a boyfriend before or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you not had a boyfriend before or something? I’ve had several Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 8 minutes ago, QueenA said: I’ve had several Have they all been as crappy as this one? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 OP I think for you in this scenario there is sort of an adrenaline rush that you get that is keeping you stuck. You were the 'other woman' and some people get off on the fact that they are so much in demand that someone is literally willing to betray commitments for them. I find that extremely telling and I urge you to look into that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 (edited) 15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have they all been as crappy as this one? So by calling him crappy you’re insinuating that them not communicating everyday means nothing Edited May 19 by QueenA Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 23 minutes ago, QueenA said: So by calling him crappy you’re insinuating that them not communicating everyday means nothing Crappy boyfriends don't cheat on their girlfriends, and he cheated on her. What is hard for you to understand about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Crappy boyfriends don't cheat on their girlfriends, and he cheated on her. What is hard for you to understand about this? Still refusing to answer the question but ok Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 11 minutes ago, QueenA said: Still refusing to answer the question but ok I am going to guess you are the ex in this case, wanting to know if your cheating ex-boyfriend still cares about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am going to guess you are the ex in this case, wanting to know if your cheating ex-boyfriend still cares about you. No I want to know if my man loves his ex and I want her to go away. He told me he hated her now all of a sudden he’s nice to her, it doesn’t freaking add up Link to post Share on other sites
Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am going to guess you are the ex in this case, wanting to know if your cheating ex-boyfriend still cares about you. Idk why he even messaged her in the first place I’m all about forgiveness and closure but this I can’t deal with. Ine minute he tells me he hates her the next “oh we apologized to each other” I don’t deserve it Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 32 minutes ago, QueenA said: but this I can’t deal Then tell him. If you are his priority he will block her to save your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QueenA Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Then tell him. If you are his priority he will block her to save your relationship. I did and he said I’m being bitter literally Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 Just now, QueenA said: I did and he said I’m being bitter literally So you have your answer. She is more important to him than you are. He would let you walk away instead of blocking her. If my bf asked me to blocked an ex l'd do it in a heartbeat and he'd do the same for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, QueenA said: I can’t deal with. Ine minute he tells me he hates her the next “oh we apologized to each other” I don’t deserve it So dump him. Easy. Problem solved. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 On 5/17/2024 at 7:12 PM, QueenA said: He also told me most because he was trying to be honest with me The key word of course bring "trying". At least he was honest when he basically admitted he's not being completely honest with you. This one is over honey. The sooner you realize it and get on with your life the better off you will be. Link to post Share on other sites
goldengirls Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: So you have your answer. She is more important to him than you are. He would let you walk away instead of blocking her. If my bf asked me to blocked an ex l'd do it in a heartbeat and he'd do the same for me. THIS 💯 he should have just apologized if it was guilt or whatever… but the heart emojis and continuing conversations says he still wants to talk to her. And if she’s such a problem why is he not re blocking her!?!? Especially if it’s triggering your insecurities which is obviously is. It’s like he is now choosing to talk to her regardless of what you think. And just bc they don’t talk every day doesn’t mean he doesn’t want her back. He could be just trying to take it slow with her. and he could also have a fake email account he uses. Why did he not just apologize and then re block her and LET IT GO?! he hasn’t let it go and doesn’t seem like he will. He’s leaving the doors open for her to contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 (edited) @QueenA Do you realise that we can't tell you if he's still got a thing for his ex? Sure, we can make an educated guess and we can tell you what we'd do in your situation...but this is your relationship and you have to make the decisions about whether you trust him and whether his behaviour is one which acceptable to you. You've just told him that you're uncomfortable with his contact with his ex, and and his response was to say that you're being bitter. This tells you that he doesn't care about you, your feelings or the relationship. It tells you that he puts himself first. And honestly, he probably said exactly the same thing to his ex when she would have had very valid concerns about his relationship with you. Is this the type of man you want a relationship with? Edited May 19 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 10 hours ago, QueenA said: Idk why he even messaged her in the first place I’m all about forgiveness and closure but this I can’t deal with. Ine minute he tells me he hates her the next “oh we apologized to each other” I don’t deserve it Oh, this isn’t good indeed. Hatred is not a healthy, normal feeling one should have towards an ex. Exes should be remembered with fondness and gratitude if the relationship was good, or completely taken out of our lives if they still evoke such strong negative feelings. By and large, feelings towards exes should be somewhere in the spectrum between genuinely caring for them as human beings, loving them as close friends without any romantic emotions left anymore, and just being indifferent to them. Hatred is neither. Hatred is the opposite of indifference and is dangerously close to toxic, infatuating attraction. I didn’t know he was having such emotions towards the ex. I think he should calm down and break off contact with her for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 10 hours ago, QueenA said: I did and he said I’m being bitter literally He won’t stop messaging his ex even though he knows that bothers you? This isn’t good. His interaction with the ex at this time and in this shape is understandably upsetting you. He should either significantly tone down their communication, or stop it altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Hatred is not a healthy, normal feeling one should have towards an ex. Exes should be remembered with fondness and gratitude if the relationship was good, or completely taken out of our lives if they still evoke such strong negative feelings. Oh hell no! This needs caveats It is completely normal to feel hate towards an ex who was abusive. Whether it be constant verbal belitting, child theft, violence, financial abuse, removing of personal freedoms.... it's not reasonable to be telling a victim they should not feel hate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 On 5/19/2024 at 4:58 PM, QueenA said: So by calling him crappy you’re insinuating that them not communicating everyday means nothing If he graduates to sleeping with her, and they only meet once a week, will you draw comfort from the fact that they only have sex once a week? Come on, QueenA, if your guy is engaging in actions that harm your relationship, then whether he does so everyday or every three days, the outcome is the same: harm to your relationship. Leaving the door open to his ex is not quite the same as sleeping with her, but, in your particular context, it is harmful. I'm not going to join the folks who insist he loves her and not you. I think that your boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to love either of you truly and fully. He's too caught up trying to fill some sense of emptiness within himself. Unfortunately, instead of resolving it the right way, he's using relationships to fill the vacuum. Whatever you want to call the sentiments he feels, he feels them for both you and his ex. I believe he doesn't have the capacity to commit to a monogamous relationship. So it doesn't matter which of you he is with. He will always yearn for a connection with the other. If he is with you, he will think of her and want to be with her. If he is with her, he will think of her and want to be with you. You know that, and that's why you don't trust him to do the right thing and are always monitoring his communication with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 On 5/20/2024 at 11:48 AM, basil67 said: Oh hell no! This needs caveats It is completely normal to feel hate towards an ex who was abusive. Whether it be constant verbal belitting, child theft, violence, financial abuse, removing of personal freedoms.... it's not reasonable to be telling a victim they should not feel hate. I guess it depends on how we define “hatred”. If it’s just “strong dislike and disapproval”, then sure. But if it’s the kind of obsessive rage that eats you from inside and doesn’t let you function properly, forcing you to fixate and re-live the pain again and again, then it’s really harmful. Anyhow, if the OP’s case, her BF’s alleged hating of his ex is definitely not a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I guess it depends on how we define “hatred”. If it’s just “strong dislike and disapproval”, then sure. But if it’s the kind of obsessive rage that eats you from inside and doesn’t let you function properly, forcing you to fixate and re-live the pain again and again, then it’s really harmful. Anyhow, if the OP’s case, her BF’s alleged hating of his ex is definitely not a good sign. I'm reading that you've never had something done to you or someone close to you to warrant hate. Have you ever have you had an estranged spouse kidnap your children? Have you found out that your child had been sexually abused by someone you trusted? Have you had a loved one beaten, raped, killed, or terrorised in acts of domestic violence? Have you had a loved one killed or maimed by a drunk driver? Sometimes active hate may be a passing feeling whole one is recovering from trauma. Or sometimes, it will remain in the back of their minds forever. My family has been affected by domestic violence, and while time has helped them get past the immediate fury and fear, I think that "strong dislike and disapproval" is hardly an appropriate response to the evil which this person did. As for the OP, her relationship was bound to be a disaster way back before it started. And if her boyfriend truly hated his ex, he would not be adding her back on his social media. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Have you ever have you had an estranged spouse kidnap your children? Something like that. My ex-wife took our son to another country without my knowledge. There was no way for me to find them, for all purposes I was certain that I’d never see him again in my life. 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Have you found out that your child had been sexually abused by someone you trusted? God, no. I can see how something like that can evoke deep hatred🙏 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Have you had a loved one beaten, raped, killed, or terrorised in acts of domestic violence? The only domestic violence I’ve witnessed was between myself and that ex-wife of mine. We had horrible fights that involved physical altercation😞 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Have you had a loved one killed or maimed by a drunk driver? Not myself, but my brother’s bride was killed by a reckless driver when they were on the their way to get married. 6 hours ago, basil67 said: And if her boyfriend truly hated his ex, he would not be adding her back on his social media. Yeah, that was actually my initial point. His “hatred” seemed to be of the kind that is too dangerously close to attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
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