Lost interest?

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, fred123 said:

Really? Speaking to my girl mates they all said they would have brought a card and remembered my birthday if they liked me.

First of all, birthdays aren’t important to everyone. I don’t remember birthdays and don’t expect anyone to remember mine. Making a big deal out of that when there are such big red flags as accepting dates with other men in front of you (!) is just crazy. And inviting a girl you barely know on a trip to celebrate your birthday is crazy as well.

It’s hard to understand what you’re expecting from her. She clearly disrespected you and clearly didn’t like you that much. You insisted on spending loads of money on her and treating her like she’s been your girlfriend for 2 years, and now you’re upset because she forgot your birthday. Dude, she told you she was ashamed to be seen with you because you were wearing old jeans! Why are you still wondering anything at all about her?

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I think athe beginning she was into me before we met. She would call and text even when she went away on vacation she reached out. She was so trying to impress me with scientific facts too.  She was very easy to make a date with as her schedule was wide open for me. Something changed

What changed is you met.

When we meet face to face the chrono goes back to 0.  It does not matter how someone appeared motivated toward us before meeting. What counts is their behavior toward us from when we meet.

[Gebidozo]

56 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Sorry what do you mean? Did I give her attention and affection? Is that the question?

No… The question is, “Why do you keep investing emotions and money into someone who treats you like crap?”

And another question is, “When will you understand that money can’t buy affection?”

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, fred123 said:

Sorry what do you mean? Did I give her attention and affection? Is that the question?

Clearly you did give her attention and affection - since you went almost $1000 in the hole to spoil her tremendously and feel 'disrespected' by her not pouring on enough appreciation and other attention by telling you what her previous romeos did for her! Like I said before, you're both using each other but for very different reasons. She's using you for validation and entertainment, and you're using her for the opportunity to seduce her. She is much more overt about her intentions, but the end goal is the same. You both wanted attention and validation, just to different degrees.

[basil67]

If I understand correctly, it sounds like you're misrepresenting how much you spent on her.  It reads to me like you already had your luxury holiday booked with a couple of friends, so it would have been no extra cost for her to stay in your room.  Did you drive there?  If so, you didn't pay extra for flights.   The only thing you would have been paying for was her meals and drinks for a weekend and a gift you decided to buy her (while at the same time resenting that she didn't do something for your birthday).    Why buy a gift for a woman who didn't remember your birthday?  

 

All that said, this isn't the first time you've splashed out on someone new and ended up grumbling about it.  

Here you paid for three nights in a hotel with someone you barely know and are upset that they don't want sex

Here you spend 350 pounds on a first date and were planning to spend another 200 pounds on the second, but not if she doesn't have sex with you

Perhaps there's more?   Why are you spending this amount of money on women you barely know and who aren't even in a relationship with you?   Paying for an expensive date/weekend doesn't mean that they owe you anything.  Not gifts, not phone calls, not sex.   

 

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, fred123 said:

I think athe beginning she was into me before we met. She would call and text even when she went away on vacation she reached out. She was so trying to impress me with scientific facts too.  She was very easy to make a date with as her schedule was wide open for me. Something changed

What changed may be she felt you were a chump she could exploit when she wanted when you started to spend so much money on her and barely know her. Please stop doing that any more, I think it should be your biggest takeaway from the thread.

[fred123]

20 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

First of all, birthdays aren’t important to everyone. I don’t remember birthdays and don’t expect anyone to remember mine. Making a big deal out of that when there are such big red flags as accepting dates with other men in front of you (!) is just crazy. And inviting a girl you barely know on a trip to celebrate your birthday is crazy as well.

It’s hard to understand what you’re expecting from her. She clearly disrespected you and clearly didn’t like you that much. You insisted on spending loads of money on her and treating her like she’s been your girlfriend for 2 years, and now you’re upset because she forgot your birthday. Dude, she told you she was ashamed to be seen with you because you were wearing old jeans! Why are you still wondering anything at all about her?

I don't know whether the first date her making these comments were her way of flirting with me or just rude. I don't know whether she was testing me and wanted a more confident man

[fred123]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What changed is you met.

When we meet face to face the chrono goes back to 0.  It does not matter how someone appeared motivated toward us before meeting. What counts is their behavior toward us from when we meet.

You think my face or my vibe/energy in person didn't match with what she expected over the phone?

I remember on our first date she said its not about looks it's about energy/vibe.

Also I have a question- why would she mention on the first date with me that she went on a date a few days ago in Portugal but didn't hook up with the guy.

 

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I don't know whether the first date her making these comments were her way of flirting with me or just rude. I don't know whether she was testing me and wanted a more confident man

It doesn't matter what her reasoning was and all this psychoanalysis is pointless. 

All that matters is whether or not you liked her and her behaviour.   If you were OK with it, that's great.  If you weren't OK with it, you move on.

[Gaeta]

50 minutes ago, fred123 said:

You think my face or my vibe/energy in person didn't match with what she expected over the phone?

I remember on our first date she said its not about looks it's about energy/vibe.

Also I have a question- why would she mention on the first date with me that she went on a date a few days ago in Portugal but didn't hook up with the guy.

 

Fred, you had 3 dates in the month of May. That's 4 months ago. Let it go. Who cares why she did this or said that, she was not even nice to you, she was rude and a bully to you. 

Get off that stupid dating app. 

[fred123]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't matter what her reasoning was and all this psychoanalysis is pointless. 

All that matters is whether or not you liked her and her behaviour.   If you were OK with it, that's great.  If you weren't OK with it, you move on.

I don't know why I'm doing all this psychoanalysis. I guess I wasnt happy with her behaviour. I think it's more like "why was she acting like this with me and with guys she has liked before she doesnt treat them like this"  I dunno if there is jealousy there from me. 

I guess I'm struggling to cope or understand why someone would be nice over the phone and then treat u like this. 

She also told me that when she is in a relationship she is different and that she is obsessed with the guy and can't focus on anything else but him.  I didn't know how to respond to that as I was thinking I hope she is like that with me.  I don't know what that comment even meant

[fred123]

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Fred, you had 3 dates in the month of May. That's 4 months ago. Let it go. Who cares why she did this or said that, she was not even nice to you, she was rude and a bully to you. 

Get off that stupid dating app. 

I'm off that app now dw. I don't know why I feel like this

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I don't know why I'm doing all this psychoanalysis. I guess I wasnt happy with her behaviour. I think it's more like "why was she acting like this with me and with guys she has liked before she doesnt treat them like this"  I dunno if there is jealousy there from me. 

I guess I'm struggling to cope or understand why someone would be nice over the phone and then treat u like this. 

She also told me that when she is in a relationship she is different and that she is obsessed with the guy and can't focus on anything else but him.  I didn't know how to respond to that as I was thinking I hope she is like that with me.  I don't know what that comment even meant

Fred, you gave us laundry list of complaints about her just from the first date alone.   Then you had two more meetings and it all went to s***.   Do you realise that you're focussing on this as if it's a breakup of a long term relationship?   Kindly, your reaction to this is OTT and not at all healthy for you.

We never get answers as to why someone else does what they do.  The only way to deal with this is to question why YOU kept seeing her when you already had a heap of things which bothered you.  

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, fred123 said:

I don't know whether the first date her making these comments were her way of flirting with me or just rude. I don't know whether she was testing me and wanted a more confident man

Openly getting a date with another guy in front of you is flirting with you? Telling you she is embarrassed to be seen with you is flirting with you? Man… please wake up!

Testing someone should be an automatic dealbreaker. Life is too short to waste it on people who test you.

What does it have to do with confidence? Confidence means, above all, respecting others and respecting yourself. Instead of walking away, you let her disrespect you and kept spending money on her. This is not confident behavior at all.

[Gebidozo]

35 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I guess I'm struggling to cope or understand why someone would be nice over the phone and then treat u like this.

Who cares? 

It’s your obsession with that utterly unimportant person in your life that is the problem. There was no relationship, no deep feelings, nothing but a short, weird fling. You wanted a bigger thing, so you raised your hopes unrealistically high, fantasized all sorts of nice things about that girl, and then closed your eyes and kept trying even though it wasn’t going at all the way you wanted it to, because you were afraid of letting go.

That is your problem here. Not her behavior. Her behavior is her problem and it’s not your place to solve it. Try working on your stuff, not hers.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Telling you she is embarrassed to be seen with you is flirting with you? Man… please wake up!

I thought the insults the two of you traded on the first date was banter, but you say they were serious.   So the bit I don't understand is why either of you gave the other a second date.  

[fred123]

55 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Fred, you gave us laundry list of complaints about her just from the first date alone.   Then you had two more meetings and it all went to s***.   Do you realise that you're focussing on this as if it's a breakup of a long term relationship?   Kindly, your reaction to this is OTT and not at all healthy for you.

We never get answers as to why someone else does what they do.  The only way to deal with this is to question why YOU kept seeing her when you already had a heap of things which bothered you.  

Yes I don't know why my reaction is like this and why I'm hung up. It confuses me. She even said her self why I'm still hung up and it's been ages. My brain is messed up I dunno its weird.

I didn't really insult her. She had already made comments at the beginning of our first date that made me feel insecure or rude. How do I know if a girl is bantering or being rude? Is it my fault or my own issue that I feel insecure?

I guess I wanted more with this person and felt a connection and am disappointed. I guess I'm jealous that she has had boyfriends and dated before and I didn't even get to a stage where we even dated or I was good enough.

I spoke to a friend of mine (girl) yesterday and she told me a few things. She said that she was probably trying to flirt and that was her way and she wanted a man who was confident and could banter back and would not be intimated by her.  Hmm

She also said that her comment about "we can be friends if this doesn't work out" is not something you ever say to a guy you like and is a friendzone type of comment she was trying to relay.

She also said that the fact she turned up and forgot your actual birthday and didn't bring anything was rude and says a lot. Apparently if a girl likes you she would bring a thoughtful gift/cupcake etc or something or even buy dinner etc. 

 

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I guess I wanted more with this person and felt a connection and am disappointed. I guess I'm jealous that she has had boyfriends and dated before and I didn't even get to a stage where we even dated or I was good enough.

But she was rude (or bantering) and you didn't like it.  She hurt your feelings, and you thought she had terrible manners.   Why would you be jealous of previous boyfriends when you don't even seem to like her?

Am I right in the understanding that this happened way back in May and you're still fixated on it?   

[fred123]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But she was rude (or bantering) and you didn't like it.  She hurt your feelings, and you thought she had terrible manners.   Why would you be jealous of previous boyfriends when you don't even seem to like her?

Am I right in the understanding that this happened way back in May and you're still fixated on it?   

Yes you are right. I guess jealous cos she must have liked them and treated them well

[Gaeta]

@fred123lf you can afford to shed $1000 just like that on a stranger you then can afford therapy. You have been struggling with a huge  lack of self esteem that you over compensate with money, you have difficulties reading people and situations, you often view women as objects. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Yes you are right. I guess jealous cos she must have liked them and treated them well

And yet, she's still single.  So I'm guessing that she didn't actually like them enough, or they didn't like her enough.   There really is nothing to be jealous about

[fred123]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@fred123lf you can afford to shed $1000 just like that on a stranger you then can afford therapy. You have been struggling with a huge  lack of self esteem that you over compensate with money, you have difficulties reading people and situations, you often view women as objects. 

Yes iv started and working through all this atm. Will take a while. I don't know if I have adhd either. I do have difficulty reading people and women always have done. I csnt tell if they are into me or not.

Or always the case they go from hot to cold at some point 

[fred123]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@fred123lf you can afford to shed $1000 just like that on a stranger you then can afford therapy. You have been struggling with a huge  lack of self esteem that you over compensate with money, you have difficulties reading people and situations, you often view women as objects. 

I do want to learn however. I'm at that age where I want a gf and to settle down at some point. I want to do coupley things etc.

Like on our first date which lasted 10 hours we went pub/bar hopping. Is there anything wrong going to a few bars/pubs for drinks and also should I expect her to pay for a round of drinks? What happens next time and a girl doesn't offer or pay?

Because in london drinks are expensive! 5 drinks can cost nearly 100 pounds!

[basil67]

On 8/2/2024 at 7:31 PM, fred123 said:

The sex we had twice. She forgot the first time as we were drunk and the second time she was half asleep and said she would have preferred being awake fully.

Going back to her ghosting you after this third date, you do realise that this sex was likely non-consensual?   If she's so drunk she cannot remember sex, she would have been too drunk to consent.  If she was half asleep and not becoming enthusiastic to your kisses and caress, this is also a sign that she did not want sex.   Particularly in new relationships where you don't thoroughly know each others sexual preferences, you should be looking for nothing less than relatively sober, enthusiastic consent before touching a woman or having sex with her.  

Frankly, you should count your blessings that she ghosted you instead of reporting you for sexual assault/rape. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Like on our first date which lasted 10 hours we went pub/bar hopping. Is there anything wrong going to a few bars/pubs for drinks and also should I expect her to pay for a round of drinks? What happens next time and a girl doesn't offer or pay?

This quoted is not important.

What is important is that you share with your therapist that you don't recognize when someone is mean to you and when you do recognize someone makes you feel bad you still continue pursuing them. You put your self worth in the hands of strangers like if this girl doesn't like you and she likes someone else then it must be because you have less value. That type of thinking is toxic and destructive.

I will add my voice to @basil67concerning having drunk sex - cut that sh$t!! Is that english enough? you do not have sex with women who are too drunk to give a full conscent. No matter how she rubs herself against you - you drop her at her place and you go home.