Lost interest?

[basil67]

Further work with your therapist should involve discussions about a 10 hour drinking binge on a date, and that you're more worried about who paid than your apparent alcoholism and subsequent issues around what is arguably sexually assaulting a woman when she's drunk.

Yes, I know you're a Brit and heavy drinking is cultural.  But I'm Australian and this is extreme even for us.  

You've got a lot of work to do.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, fred123 said:

I guess I'm jealous that she has had boyfriends and dated before and I didn't even get to a stage where we even dated or I was good enough.

I’m totally confused now. You had weird, drunken dates with her, she showed no respect and nothing to indicate she was seriously into you, you were feeling offended by her behavior, and now you’re jealous of her former boyfriends? That doesn’t make any sense at all.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I will add my voice to @basil67concerning having drunk sex - cut that sh$t!! Is that english enough? you do not have sex with women who are too drunk to give a full conscent. No matter how she rubs herself against you - you drop her at her place and you go home. 

Adding my voice as well.

The whole thing just feels shady and inappropriate, the vibe of the conversation, the drunken dates that costs a fortune, the ethically dubious drunken sex, the sudden care for remembering birthdays… I don’t quite understand what the OP wanted here, exactly.

[fred123]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Going back to her ghosting you after this third date, you do realise that this sex was likely non-consensual?   If she's so drunk she cannot remember sex, she would have been too drunk to consent.  If she was half asleep and not becoming enthusiastic to your kisses and caress, this is also a sign that she did not want sex.   Particularly in new relationships where you don't thoroughly know each others sexual preferences, you should be looking for nothing less than relatively sober, enthusiastic consent before touching a woman or having sex with her.  

Frankly, you should count your blessings that she ghosted you instead of reporting you for sexual assault/rape. 

Want to make it clear she said it was consensual and it was her who took off my belt and trousers and undressed me and said this is the peak of your birthday 

 

[fred123]

59 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Further work with your therapist should involve discussions about a 10 hour drinking binge on a date, and that you're more worried about who paid than your apparent alcoholism and subsequent issues around what is arguably sexually assaulting a woman when she's drunk.

Yes, I know you're a Brit and heavy drinking is cultural.  But I'm Australian and this is extreme even for us.  

You've got a lot of work to do.

The sex happened on the weekend away in a hotel. We were both already planned to stay there. We were both drunk and she started taking my clothes off.

When we were lying in bed I started to kiss her. Then she stopped and said "do something, make something happen".

So I kissed her again a bit harder and she said " I don't mean try kissing me harder".

Then we ended up having sex 

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, fred123 said:

Want to make it clear she said it was consensual and it was her who took off my belt and trousers and undressed me and said this is the peak of your birthday 

 

If she was drunk then it wasn’t fully consensual by definition. It doesn’t matter who started what. Once a totally drunken girl started touching me in a bar and then called a cab and basically invited me to go to her house and do stuff. I refused. And I used to be a really low-level player during that phase of my life. You gotta raise your standards, dude.

[fred123]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If she was drunk then it wasn’t fully consensual by definition. It doesn’t matter who started what. Once a totally drunken girl started touching me in a bar and then called a cab and basically invited me to go to her house and do stuff. I refused. And I used to be a really low-level player during that phase of my life. You gotta raise your standards, dude.

I get u and I do wish we had sober sex. 

We were both drunk tbf

I had spoken to her about this the next morning and a month after and she said she would have preferred to be fully away to have sex.  She said she wanted our first time to be special but understood it was a party weekend for my birthday.

[FredEire]

10 hours ago, fred123 said:

Yes you are right. I guess jealous cos she must have liked them and treated them well

You're taking her word for it. From your description, I'd say it's likely shes into bad boys and rich guys who will indulge her. But eventually she will get tired of them as well or they will get tired when they are annoyed with her behaviour and find someone hotter.

I agree with the others, that's her stuff. Focus on your own shortcomings, there's plenty to work on.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, fred123 said:

I guess jealous cos she must have liked them and treated them well

It doesn’t matter how she treats anyone else - be it her mother, her friend, or her previous boyfriend. She didn’t treat you well and that means that you should not spend money on this woman or try to date her. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, fred123 said:

We were both drunk tbf

Just don't get drunk to that point and don't have sex with drunk women no matter what. The morning after she could have said she didn't remember wanting sex and you'd be in really bad trouble with the law. Especially you did not have sex before, and she's a stranger. Do you see in how much trouble you could have gotten? Also, you said you're ready to settle down, how old are you? You've been on this forum for 10 years so you must be into your 40s now? It's time you stop partying like a 19 year old on March break. 

[fred123]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Just don't get drunk to that point and don't have sex with drunk women no matter what. The morning after she could have said she didn't remember wanting sex and you'd be in really bad trouble with the law. Especially you did not have sex before, and she's a stranger. Do you see in how much trouble you could have gotten? Also, you said you're ready to settle down, how old are you? You've been on this forum for 10 years so you must be into your 40s now? It's time you stop partying like a 19 year old on March break. 

I'm 36 she was 29. Yh iv been on here for a while now and seem to run into similar problems for 10 years. 

I guess I really liked her and misses our phone calls. We would speak for hours sometimes. Funny how dating is and how quickly one can change. 

I think I go back and analyse to see red flags I potentially missed. Also I'm bad at knowing what red flags and disrespect is too

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I'm 36 she was 29. Yh iv been on here for a while now and seem to run into similar problems for 10 years. 

I guess I really liked her and misses our phone calls. We would speak for hours sometimes. Funny how dating is and how quickly one can change. 

I think I go back and analyse to see red flags I potentially missed. Also I'm bad at knowing what red flags and disrespect is too

So in those ten years you've been on here has it been the norm to always splash big money on women you've just met? Have you not noticed a pattern forming? It's a crazy idea, you need to stop doing that.

[fred123]

41 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So in those ten years you've been on here has it been the norm to always splash big money on women you've just met? Have you not noticed a pattern forming? It's a crazy idea, you need to stop doing that.

No I didn't at the beginning.  I think it's only been recently iv been doing that tbh.

I do need to stop that and see if women genuinely like me for me and will contribute in some way.

I think I pick the wrong women.

I feel like a lot of these women seem into me at the beginning and initiate and text but then somewhere along the line they lose interest and treat me like s***

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, fred123 said:

No I didn't at the beginning.  I think it's only been recently iv been doing that tbh.

I do need to stop that and see if women genuinely like me for me and will contribute in some way.

I think I pick the wrong women.

I feel like a lot of these women seem into me at the beginning and initiate and text but then somewhere along the line they lose interest and treat me like s***

Do they actually treat you like s***?   Or do they just lose interest?

[basil67]

I had to google this "seeking" app which you used.   It used to be a sugar baby site and has now morphed into "luxury dating"    So you got exactly what the app pitched:  An attractive women who wanted to be spoiled.   Expensive dates, a trip away....yes you delivered.  Yet you're complaining that she didn't financially contribute and wasn't really into you as a person 🤷‍♀️  Given where you found her, this is a very bizarre expectation on your part.   It should have been a no-brainer that she was there for the experience you could give her, and not for a relationship.   

Try meeting regular women on regular apps.  Or through friends.   Keep the dates affordable and relatively brief - first meet can be at a pub, but limit the meet to two drinks.   First restaurant could be a nicer Thai or Indian, BYO one bottle of wine. 

And stop with the many hour pub crawls.  A date is not a buck's night!

 

Edited August 19, 2024 by basil67

[FredEire]

58 minutes ago, fred123 said:

No I didn't at the beginning.  I think it's only been recently iv been doing that tbh.

I do need to stop that and see if women genuinely like me for me and will contribute in some way.

I think I pick the wrong women.

I feel like a lot of these women seem into me at the beginning and initiate and text but then somewhere along the line they lose interest and treat me like s***

Yeah, if they like you and you start dropping $$$ on them a lot of nice girls will actually be turned off. So definitely stop that.

It may be that you're picking the wrong women, or your behaviour is turning them off, or a combination of both.

I'd have the same question as @basil67, it sounded like this particular woman was a waste of time, but someone no longer wanting to date you isn't treating you like s***, as long as they just tell you succinctly and don't turn it into some kind of test or game.

 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I had to google this "seeking" app which you used.   It used to be a sugar baby site and has now morphed into "luxury dating"    So you got exactly what the app pitched:  An attractive women who wanted to be spoiled.   Expensive dates, a trip away....yes you delivered.  Yet you're complaining that she didn't financially contribute and wasn't really into you as a person 🤷‍♀️  Given where you found her, this is a very bizarre expectation on your part.   It should have been a no-brainer that she was there for the experience you could give her, and not for a relationship.   

Try meeting regular women on regular apps.  Or through friends.   Keep the dates affordable and relatively brief - first meet can be at a pub, but limit the meet to two drinks.   First restaurant could be a nicer Thai or Indian, BYO one bottle of wine. 

And stop with the many hour pub crawls.  A date is not a buck's night!

 

Well it's no wonder then, he got exactly what it said on the tin.

36 is still too young to be a sugar daddy, and I'm a bit at a loss as to why anyone wants to deal with a spoilt brat who openly only wants their money anyway, when they could just hire a high-class escort.

[fred123]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I had to google this "seeking" app which you used.   It used to be a sugar baby site and has now morphed into "luxury dating"    So you got exactly what the app pitched:  An attractive women who wanted to be spoiled.   Expensive dates, a trip away....yes you delivered.  Yet you're complaining that she didn't financially contribute and wasn't really into you as a person 🤷‍♀️  Given where you found her, this is a very bizarre expectation on your part.   It should have been a no-brainer that she was there for the experience you could give her, and not for a relationship.   

Try meeting regular women on regular apps.  Or through friends.   Keep the dates affordable and relatively brief - first meet can be at a pub, but limit the meet to two drinks.   First restaurant could be a nicer Thai or Indian, BYO one bottle of wine. 

And stop with the many hour pub crawls.  A date is not a buck's night!

 

Yes perhaps I'm naive. I know some girls on there want to date and find a guy.  I mean we never talked about anything with regards to money or finance. 

I assumed it was like we met on a regular dating app. Because before we met I made a comment about how I maybe wouldn't have matched her on hinge and she got offended and said I would have matched you.  So I thought she saw me as a normal guy she wanted to date.

 

[fred123]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Yeah, if they like you and you start dropping $$$ on them a lot of nice girls will actually be turned off. So definitely stop that.

It may be that you're picking the wrong women, or your behaviour is turning them off, or a combination of both.

I'd have the same question as @basil67, it sounded like this particular woman was a waste of time, but someone no longer wanting to date you isn't treating you like s***, as long as they just tell you succinctly and don't turn it into some kind of test or game.

 

I don't know the difference between losing interest and treating someone like s***.

I guess for me her forgetting my birthday and not getting me something and expecting me to pay and organise everything.  Her leaving me on read for days after the second date.  Her not telling me the truth after our third date that she wasn't feeling it and everytime is asked if she was interested she would say yes.  But eveytime I asked for a dste she would say she's busy.

Also the comments she made on the first dste were not nice. I highly doubt she would say that or treat a guy she is into like that. I think the less a girl likes you thr worse she treats you and the more difficult she becomes

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Yes perhaps I'm naive. I know some girls on there want to date and find a guy.  I mean we never talked about anything with regards to money or finance. 

I assumed it was like we met on a regular dating app. Because before we met I made a comment about how I maybe wouldn't have matched her on hinge and she got offended and said I would have matched you.  So I thought she saw me as a normal guy she wanted to date.

 

I'm sure there are girls on that site who want to date and find a guy, but because of the app it is, there is an expectation that they will be spoiled by that guy.

Meanwhile, your comment about how you wouldn't have matched her on Hinge was bizarre.  Why on earth did you say this, and why would you expect her to treat you respectfully after you fired the first shot?  Sounds like she was just matching your vibe

[fred123]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sure there are girls on that site who want to date and find a guy, but because of the app it is, there is an expectation that they will be spoiled by that guy.

Meanwhile, your comment about how you wouldn't have matched her on Hinge was bizarre.  Why on earth did you say this, and why would you expect her to treat you respectfully after you fired the first shot?  Sounds like she was just matching your vibe

Sorry it came across wrong. On the phone I asked her if she would have matched me on hinge and she said yes. I then said something like "yh maybe" trying to play it cool 😎.  She was like " you wouldnt" I then after said yes I would.  That was the interaction.

I assumed she lost interest on the first date hence why she made those comments.

Another q I wanted to ask was, why would she or a girl mention that they went on a date a few days ago when they were on vacation but didn't hook up with the guy" 

If she was gonna tell me that on the date why would she have not told me that on the phone?

 

 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I don't know the difference between losing interest and treating someone like s***.

Losing interest is simply when they don't find enough connection to make it worth holding on.   Ignoring your messages could arguably be categorised as treating you like s***, but given you barely knew her, it was not a serious breach.   

In my books, treating someone like s*** is far more serious stuff like cheating, verbal abuse, bullying, being rudely critical, stealing or ruining your stuff. 

Edited August 20, 2024 by basil67

[basil67]

1 minute ago, fred123 said:

Sorry it came across wrong. On the phone I asked her if she would have matched me on hinge and she said yes. I then said something like "yh maybe" trying to play it cool 😎.  She was like " you wouldnt" I then after said yes I would.  That was the interaction.

I assumed she lost interest on the first date hence why she made those comments.

Another q I wanted to ask was, why would she or a girl mention that they went on a date a few days ago when they were on vacation but didn't hook up with the guy" 

If she was gonna tell me that on the date why would she have not told me that on the phone?

• Why on earth did you ask if she'd match you on Hinge?  What's the point of such a silly question?   That said, there's nothing wrong with the sentence you quoted.  I have no idea why you're bothered about it.
• She mentioned that she went on a date a few days ago so that you'd know that she's casually dating....and to let you know that you should manage your expectations.  She didn't tell you on the phone because she didn't think to say it right then.   

[basil67]

All in all, you went on three dates with a woman who progressively lost interest in you.   It's perfectly normal to take a few dates before deciding if you want to pursue something further.

I really can't understand why you're so bent out of shape when it wasn't even a relationship yet.  Yes, you spent a lot of money on her and had sex with very dubious levels of consent, but that's your foolishness - she did nothing wrong.

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, fred123 said:

perhaps I'm naive. I know some girls on there want to date and find a guy

That's the equivalent of going to home depot to buy orange juice.

Have you ever tried just being your true self and not try to show off your money, or not try to play cocky?