Lost interest?

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I don't know the difference between losing interest and treating someone like s***.

Does it really matter in this case? The vibe between you and that girl wasn’t good to begin with. Yet you spent way too much time, thought, and money on those weird encounters. Life is too short for that.

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, fred123 said:

d her if she would have matched me on hinge and she said yes. I then said something like "yh maybe" trying to play it cool 😎

Don't do that. You were not playing cool, you were putting her down. That type of cool is called negging. You're suppose to elevate a woman you're interested in, not make her feel she's "meh", not even for a joke.

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, fred123 said:

On the phone I asked her if she would have matched me on hinge and she said yes. I then said something like "yh maybe" trying to play it cool 😎

In the future, please never do such idiotic things again. Normal women run away from immature boys who try to “play it cool”. A normal woman wants an honest, open, vulnerable man who sincerely tells and shows her how much he likes her and how good she is.

[fred123]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

• Why on earth did you ask if she'd match you on Hinge?  What's the point of such a silly question?   That said, there's nothing wrong with the sentence you quoted.  I have no idea why you're bothered about it.
• She mentioned that she went on a date a few days ago so that you'd know that she's casually dating....and to let you know that you should manage your expectations.  She didn't tell you on the phone because she didn't think to say it right then.   

I think I asked if she would match me on hinge cos I wasn't sure if the only reason she matched me on that app was cos of money. As in "would she ever match me normally" 

[fred123]

26 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

In the future, please never do such idiotic things again. Normal women run away from immature boys who try to “play it cool”. A normal woman wants an honest, open, vulnerable man who sincerely tells and shows her how much he likes her and how good she is.

Over the course of the month I showed her this. I always asked her on dates every week, sometimes twice I asked her in a week if she didn't get back to me.  I may have never told her to her face directly but I showed in many ways I liked her.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I think I asked if she would match me on hinge cos I wasn't sure if the only reason she matched me on that app was cos of money. As in "would she ever match me normally" 

Of course she matched you because of money!!! That's why she's on there! It's an app for that!! 

If you want to meet a normal woman go on a normal app.

Before you go back to dating get into that therapy. You are too insecure to date. That's why you asked her if she would have matched you on hinge because you don't beleive in yourself. It's slso why you put her down, because insecure people put down others to elevate themselves. 

[fred123]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Of course she matched you because of money!!! That's why she's on there! It's an app for that!! 

If you want to meet a normal woman go on a normal app.

Before you go back to dating get into that therapy. You are too insecure to date. That's why you asked her if she would have matched you on hinge because you don't beleive in yourself. It's slso why you put her down, because insecure people put down others to elevate themselves. 

Iv started therapy last week. 

Also was she insecure because I felt like she put me down during the first date and disrespected me. When I called her out on it over the phone later she just laughed at it

[Gaeta]

Her problem is something else and we're not here for her. She's a nobody. You had 2 dates with her 4 months ago.

We're here to guide you. We've been reading you for 10 years. We have an idea of your flaws and weaknesses. You need to work on yourself and lesrn to be authentic and stop playing a persona that you are not.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, fred123 said:

Iv started therapy last week. 

Also was she insecure because I felt like she put me down during the first date and disrespected me. When I called her out on it over the phone later she just laughed at it

Have you told your therapist that you can't stop nitpicking the behaviour of a woman you dated just three times? 

 It's not like she stole your stuff/wrecked your house/assaulted/defamed you.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, fred123 said:

Over the course of the month I showed her this. I always asked her on dates every week, sometimes twice I asked her in a week if she didn't get back to me.  I may have never told her to her face directly but I showed in many ways I liked her.

Asking someone on a date repeatedly is, in itself, not necessarily a sign of affection. People also do that because they feel lonely, or scared and insecure, or just want sex, or who knows what other reasons. My point is that you need to be yourself, you need to be sincere, genuine. “Playing it”, in any shape and form, is a sure way to repel any mature woman who has integrity and respects others and herself. 

Which brings me to the second point: the above is the only type of women you should ever date. Don’t waste your time on someone you hooked up with on a dating app known for its materialistic, money-oriented focus. Don’t waste your time (and emotional energy! and money!) on someone who tests you, plays around with you, requires you to be someone you are not, is rude and disrespectful to you.

Edited August 20, 2024 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Asking someone on a date repeatedly is, in itself, not necessarily a sign of affection. People also do that because they feel lonely, or scared and insecure, or just want sex, or who knows what other reasons.

They also do it because they can't read the room.  Instead of recognising disinterest, they think the other is playing games and start chasing.  

My advice is that you shouldn't go pestering someone who's ignoring you

Edited August 20, 2024 by basil67

[FredEire]

Just a thought, do you characterise yourself as a bad boy? Because if this is your self-image you may be more overtly attracted to those girls who are also egotistical and "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" types.

But you don't come across like that here, you're too down on yourself and self critical. You don't have that kind of flash arrogance. I used to know guys like this and on occasions a girl rejected them they would just point at their head say she's crazy and forget about her in 5 minutes, their ego wouldn't let them admit they'd been rejected and it certainly wouldn't let them question themselves over it.

And it's more than ok not to be one of these guys, they're not particularly likeable or worthwhile people in my experience. But if you're playing a character that's not you of course things will go wrong and you'll meet the wrong women.

Edited August 20, 2024 by FredEire

[fred123]

15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Her problem is something else and we're not here for her. She's a nobody. You had 2 dates with her 4 months ago.

We're here to guide you. We've been reading you for 10 years. We have an idea of your flaws and weaknesses. You need to work on yourself and lesrn to be authentic and stop playing a persona that you are not.

Yes very true. I'm making steps towards this. Yes I'm also working on why I get attached too quickly and then overanalyse the behaviour.

[fred123]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

They also do it because they can't read the room.  Instead of recognising disinterest, they think the other is playing games and start chasing.  

My advice is that you shouldn't go pestering someone who's ignoring you

I don't mean to pester . Just not good at reading hints

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Yes very true. I'm making steps towards this. Yes I'm also working on why I get attached too quickly and then overanalyse the behaviour.

Probably because you're still chasing that fantasy dream girl, not going for available women. And if she's not fully available it makes that fantasy stronger.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, fred123 said:

I don't mean to pester . Just not good at reading hints

Her not responding for a week says that she was already feeling "meh" about you.   Instead of letting it go, you pushed and pushed and she thought "oh well he knows that I was on a site were the girls get spoiled...and I've got nothing better to do, so if he wants to take me on a holiday, I may as well go".   

Why do you think someone who didn't even care to return your texts would care about your birthday and buy you drinks and stuff?

 

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Her not responding for a week says that she was already feeling "meh" about you.   Instead of letting it go, you pushed and pushed and she thought "oh well he knows that I was on a site were the girls get spoiled...and I've got nothing better to do, so if he wants to take me on a holiday, I may as well go".   

Why do you think someone who didn't even care to return your texts would care about your birthday and buy you drinks and stuff?

 

And to be clear, this is not about her disrespecting you.  This is about you aggressively chasing someone who wasn't all that interested

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

Probably because you're still chasing that fantasy dream girl, not going for available women. And if she's not fully available it makes that fantasy stronger.

This is something I could never understand. The moment I detect even hints of unavailability in a woman, I lose interest in her. I know some guys who keep hanging around a woman who is clearly not into them, or even in a relationship with someone else, and that seems just so unnatural and creepy to me.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, fred123 said:

I don't mean to pester . Just not good at reading hints

Well, l would not call them hints. It's easy to miss a hint because they're subtle. There was nothing subtle about this woman. She was rude and mean to your face and she ignored your messages for days. None of that are hints, they are full blown rejections. And you knew they were rejections because you felt bad and hurt. Yet, you kept pursuing her.

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This is something I could never understand. The moment I detect even hints of unavailability in a woman, I lose interest in her. I know some guys who keep hanging around a woman who is clearly not into them, or even in a relationship with someone else, and that seems just so unnatural and creepy to me.

I know and I agree, "orbiting" I think they call it. It's something you should get out of after high school, a complete waste of time and a good way for her and her bf to have a good laugh at your expense.

But I wasn't just referring to being into girls who are not at all interested or taken, sometimes you'll meet a girl who's single, seems to be really into you but something between you is "off" and you can't put your finger on it.

And often that feeling you can't put your finger on leads you to get infatuated with her, until you discover what was "off". It's a little more complicated but end up just as sad and frustrating.

Edited August 20, 2024 by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

And often that feeling you can't put your finger on leads you to get infatuated with her

Never happened to me, either. Any such “off” factor just turns me off. No mystery added, just annoyance, and I lose interest. 

My problem used to be rather the opposite, getting together with women who were infatuated with me, overlooking incompatibilities, and madly rushing into serious, heavy long-term relationships.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Never happened to me, either. Any such “off” factor just turns me off. No mystery added, just annoyance, and I lose interest. 

My problem used to be rather the opposite, getting together with women who were infatuated with me, overlooking incompatibilities, and madly rushing into serious, heavy long-term relationships.

Just different attachment types I guess. I very rarely get immediately strong romantic feelings, but when I have it's tended to end rather badly rather quickly and seemingly out of the blue. The thing is now is really the first time I'm really questioning if that struck by lightning feeling is really what you should be looking for at all.

I'm not that into the pop psychology stuff around attachment styles as I think it overlooks a lot of nuances of individual people but what you're describing seems more anxious while mine is more avoidant, I guess. If I meet a nice, open, stable girl who's into me I look for a million reasons not to get into a relationship with her but a volatile, mysterious and aloof one oh my god I think I'm in love!

Go figure.

[Gebidozo]

34 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Just different attachment types I guess. I very rarely get immediately strong romantic feelings, but when I have it's tended to end rather badly rather quickly and seemingly out of the blue. The thing is now is really the first time I'm really questioning if that struck by lightning feeling is really what you should be looking for at all.

I'm not that into the pop psychology stuff around attachment styles as I think it overlooks a lot of nuances of individual people but what you're describing seems more anxious while mine is more avoidant, I guess. If I meet a nice, open, stable girl who's into me I look for a million reasons not to get into a relationship with her but a volatile, mysterious and aloof one oh my god I think I'm in love!

Go figure.

The attachment styles are spot on, but I’m wondering more about being attracted to people who aren’t really into you in the first place. For me, it’s such a huge turn off that I can’t even fathom how it is possible. 

At first I thought it was just my huge ego, but when my fiancée told me she never once was attracted to a guy who wasn’t attracted to her it got me thinking. She is the least selfish person I know and any ego-related reasons are inapplicable in her case. 

[fred123]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Her not responding for a week says that she was already feeling "meh" about you.   Instead of letting it go, you pushed and pushed and she thought "oh well he knows that I was on a site were the girls get spoiled...and I've got nothing better to do, so if he wants to take me on a holiday, I may as well go".   

Why do you think someone who didn't even care to return your texts would care about your birthday and buy you drinks and stuff?

 

I do think there is some truth in this. Why do I not walk away when a girl is showing disinterest when in my gut I know something is off. Something to work on with my therapist.

I don't know whether it's an ego thing, like for example she went from being into me to being cold and disinterested.

I think it's fair to say her actions at the beginning were of high interest as she used to initiate calls and texts and always respond in a timely manner. Was easy to make the first 2 dates. Was even reaching out to me on her vacation when she was busy.

Maybe I'm struggling to accept how and why things changed and want answers lol.

I'm probably naive in thinking she cared. She seemed excited on text a couple weeks before about the trip. Now come to think about it she said it was "our birthday" she kept saying it .

 

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The attachment styles are spot on, but I’m wondering more about being attracted to people who aren’t really into you in the first place. For me, it’s such a huge turn off that I can’t even fathom how it is possible. 

At first I thought it was just my huge ego, but when my fiancée told me she never once was attracted to a guy who wasn’t attracted to her it got me thinking. She is the least selfish person I know and any ego-related reasons are inapplicable in her case. 

I don't know, I wonder the same as you. I had that a bit in high school but I soon got over it. I've never understood the "friend zone" either. If you're too romantically invested in a girl to just be her friend that isn't a friend, just wish her the best and let her go from your life.

I think it comes from a place of chronically low confidence, there was a guy in an old friend group who would try it on with most girls he met and when one of us was getting on particularly well with a girl on a night out he would immediately jump in the way and start trying to take over the conversation despite her having zero interest in him. Needless to say it got pretty annoying pretty fast.