do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

 

Why would a guy find you attractive, speak of how well you get along but not feel ‘romantic’?

I can’t get over him and worry what I did wrong 

October last year I matched with a guy on a dating app. I’ve never really had a march quite like it, an instant connection, amazing conversation, so much in common, nice physical spark. I was excited . On dates he would hold my hand and talk about how he feels we get along so well

But he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks. I got really anxious but I didn’t tell him this. I was always communicative, put effort in, and I know I put my best self forward 

Then he lost his job, had visa issues (he’s from abroad) and eventually said he didn’t feel romantic and that he wanted to be friends. He said it was a him thing and nothing on me. He also said he sees himself moving back home other side of the world next year 

He remains friends but still acts a bit strange. Sometimes he texts me all of the time, sending memes and recipes and other times he disappears for a while. Then he asked to see me and he took me to play golf, he was hugging me a lot , touching me subtly and telling me once again how he feels that me and him get along so well. He told me he might go back to his home country next year but he’s not sure 

I went on holiday last week and during that time, he was liking every story post I put up of myself, sending me messages asking about my holiday. I then replied back to him and I said ‘how are you doing?’ 

He didn’t reply. It’s been a week. He continued to like my stories and posts but won’t reply back. This doesn’t make sense to me . He hasn’t even opened the message and I don’t understand and I’m worried once again what’s wrong with me 

He’s moved a couple hours away for a new job and I couldn’t help but see if he has a new hinge profile. He has just gotten a dating app profile and seeing it has made me sad. His profile even says he is looking for a long term relationship 😞

I don’t get it . I’m 29 and never had a partner and me and him really clicked. Could it be he still likes me somewhat?  

I’m upset tonight cause I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m an attractive woman, he used to tell me I was pretty and that he loved my company, but why would I never be good enough for a relationship. I still have feelings for him and I’m scared I’ll never lose them but also scared i won’t ever be liked by anyone 

I’ve never had feelings for anyone like I did him. And I don’t get his behaviour or if it means anything 

Like is it even normal to be attractive and get friendzoned.

[Alpacalia]

I think your clue to his interest lies in him asking you to leave the morning after you spent the night, seeming to be cool and distant on the phone, etc. All those things plus, he is from overseas. Does not seem like the perfect timing for both of to start something serious. What if he just wanted some fun while he was here?  Sometimes the connection is just intense, but it still doesn't make the other person compatible for romantic relationship.  

I can see why you are sad, I would be too, and confused. But he is not as interested in you as you are in him. Going through his dating profile, feeling just sad and worried, and insecure that it's your fault will not solve any of your problems. So stop doing that. Get focused and stop implying that there is something wrong with you.  

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 

Why would a guy find you attractive, speak of how well you get along but not feel ‘romantic’?

I can’t get over him and worry what I did wrong 

October last year I matched with a guy on a dating app. I’ve never really had a march quite like it, an instant connection, amazing conversation, so much in common, nice physical spark. I was excited . On dates he would hold my hand and talk about how he feels we get along so well

But he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks. I got really anxious but I didn’t tell him this. I was always communicative, put effort in, and I know I put my best self forward 

Then he lost his job, had visa issues (he’s from abroad) and eventually said he didn’t feel romantic and that he wanted to be friends. He said it was a him thing and nothing on me. He also said he sees himself moving back home other side of the world next year 

He remains friends but still acts a bit strange. Sometimes he texts me all of the time, sending memes and recipes and other times he disappears for a while. Then he asked to see me and he took me to play golf, he was hugging me a lot , touching me subtly and telling me once again how he feels that me and him get along so well. He told me he might go back to his home country next year but he’s not sure 

I went on holiday last week and during that time, he was liking every story post I put up of myself, sending me messages asking about my holiday. I then replied back to him and I said ‘how are you doing?’ 

He didn’t reply. It’s been a week. He continued to like my stories and posts but won’t reply back. This doesn’t make sense to me . He hasn’t even opened the message and I don’t understand and I’m worried once again what’s wrong with me 

He’s moved a couple hours away for a new job and I couldn’t help but see if he has a new hinge profile. He has just gotten a dating app profile and seeing it has made me sad. His profile even says he is looking for a long term relationship 😞

I don’t get it . I’m 29 and never had a partner and me and him really clicked. Could it be he still likes me somewhat?  

I’m upset tonight cause I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m an attractive woman, he used to tell me I was pretty and that he loved my company, but why would I never be good enough for a relationship. I still have feelings for him and I’m scared I’ll never lose them but also scared i won’t ever be liked by anyone 

I’ve never had feelings for anyone like I did him. And I don’t get his behaviour or if it means anything 

Like is it even normal to be attractive and get friendzoned.

Everything says to me here, especially the spacing 3 weeks apart stuff, that you were one of several women. The periods of quietness was probably when he was more active with the other girls and then when they were out of town etc. he would come back and be more active with you.

Sorry if he didn't communicate to you that he wanted friends with benefits and you were under the impression it was moving towards are relationship.

And with regards to the last question yes it is. But I think rather than the friend zone he enjoyed spending time more with the other girls he was seeing and decided to let it go. Sorry if it's a little harsh but from what you described it seems to me that's probably what's happening here.

[Gaeta]

Many of the foreigners have wives in their country of origin. This guy doesn't sound single to me. He sounds like a man filled with guilt that's why he can't connect or let you in his life. 

Cut all of your ties with him and move on. You were hit with a big case of infatuation. It will pass. It's hard, it's like getting over the flu but it goes away, it's just that your brain got hit with huge dosages of dopamine. We all go through that at some point and I promise you you'll be fine without him. 

[stillafool]

It may be that he likes you and finds you very attractive but doesn't feel chemistry with you and is still looking.  It's happened to me where I dated really good looking men but did not really feel sexual chemistry towards them.  People told me I was crazy but you feel what you feel or you don't.  If I were you I would squash the feelings of wanting to be with him and start looking for someone who is actually interested in you and acts like it.

[PeachPalm1]

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

Everything says to me here, especially the spacing 3 weeks apart stuff, that you were one of several women. The periods of quietness was probably when he was more active with the other girls and then when they were out of town etc. he would come back and be more active with you.

Sorry if he didn't communicate to you that he wanted friends with benefits and you were under the impression it was moving towards are relationship.

And with regards to the last question yes it is. But I think rather than the friend zone he enjoyed spending time more with the other girls he was seeing and decided to let it go. Sorry if it's a little harsh but from what you described it seems to me that's probably what's happening here.

Well interesting you say that, but after the 2 month mark, suddenly he’s messaging me all the time all day every day and into the evening. Then this made me realise he can’t possibly be dating others as he was talking to me so late into the evening every night. So that was confusing then he pulled away and ended things suddenly 

 

he came back to be friends and then was texting me all the time. Wanted to see me, hugging me and telling me how he feels we get along well. Then disappears again and comes back again. Dunno what’s wrong with me 

[stillafool]

Probably during the times he disappears and is away is when he's seeing someone else.  Maybe he and the other lady had a fight and then he comes to you, they make up and he goes back or he's got you and someone else, maybe 2 and all of you are in rotation.  Why do you let him come in and out of your life like that?  He's taking up space that could go to a man who really wants a real relationship with you.

Edited May 17, 2024 by stillafool

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Probably during the times he disappears and is away is when he's seeing someone else.  Maybe he and the other lady had a fight and then he comes to you, they make up and he goes back or he's got you and someone else, maybe 2 and all of you are in rotation.  Why do you let him come in and out of your life like that?  He's taking up space that could go to a man who really wants a real relationship with you.

Because I try and try and try to meet men, put myself out there, on the dating apps and I never ever ever get pursued. Now I’m 29 and I’m invisible. I get matches and they don’t reply, I never get asked on dates or anything. So I hold on to this as hope that some man finds me attractive in some way 

[PeachPalm1]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Because I try and try and try to meet men, put myself out there, on the dating apps and I never ever ever get pursued. Now I’m 29 and I’m invisible. I get matches and they don’t reply, I never get asked on dates or anything. So I hold on to this as hope that some man finds me attractive in some way 

I’m doomed and even at 25 men didn’t want me. My ex said he dated me out of loneliness and never loved me

 

i knew I deserved better. I met this guy with so much hope and excitement. I loved spending time with him and I was happy and then I was kept at a distance. I can only think some thing is wrong with me 

[basil67]

Have you ever asked your friends for constructive feedback?

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m doomed and even at 25 men didn’t want me. My ex said he dated me out of loneliness and never loved me

 

i knew I deserved better. I met this guy with so much hope and excitement. I loved spending time with him and I was happy and then I was kept at a distance. I can only think some thing is wrong with me 

Don't let the rejection from a couple of guys get you down.  There's millions more out there that you haven't met yet.  You will meet your person.  Be positive.

[PeachPalm1]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Have you ever asked your friends for constructive feedback?

Yeah loads I’m really into self improvement 

But as I’ve got older I’ve become a bit more reserved . 

[PeachPalm1]

10 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

OP, I do not think has anything to do with you.  I think this is ALL HIS DEAL.  It could be one of a number of things but to me, he seems to lack confidence for some reason.  Maybe, he does not see himself as BEING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. 

He did tell me it was a him thing and nothing on me. But I don’t fully believe that as it concerns me 

In the bedroom, he enjoyed kissing and touching me but moving further, he struggled and said he was thinking too much. I was a lot more confident in that respect and I tried to reassure him when he said he was thinking too much but can’t help it means I’m not attractive 

afterwards he seemed to want me to leave his house. Slow to reply tj messages. Never knew when next time I would see him would be. Then he’d come around a few weeks and want to see me again and plans a date..

he would always send me selfies and say ‘would you still find me attractive if xyz’ weird

now he just want to be friends. Sometimes he will message me for weeeks, then disappears, then wants to meet up, hugs me and tells me how well we get along, then disappears again and I don’t get it

he comes across as a very confident person

[Weezy1973]

On 5/17/2024 at 3:30 AM, PeachPalm1 said:

Like is it even normal to be attractive and get friendzoned.

Not really normal, but possible. Women tend to get “friends with benefits” zoned. 
 

45 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

…but can’t help it means I’m not attractive 

Are you attractive? Most people can look in the mirror and see whether they’re attractive or not. If you’re unsure I’d guess you’re average. And even if you’re attractive it’s possible you’re just not his type?

 

But also, you were only dating for a short time right? So all his inconsistencies after that were pretty normal because at that point you were just friends. 

[PeachPalm1]

9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not really normal, but possible. Women tend to get “friends with benefits” zoned. 
 

Are you attractive? Most people can look in the mirror and see whether they’re attractive or not. If you’re unsure I’d guess you’re average. And even if you’re attractive it’s possible you’re just not his type?

 

But also, you were only dating for a short time right? So all his inconsistencies after that were pretty normal because at that point you were just friends. 

Well I get told I am pretty and men stare at me everywhere but don’t approach. This guy used to tell me I was hot but I always think if I was hot, he would have stayed.

I don’t know if he had a type. Although I saw pics of his exes and they were all kinda girls that work with children, or animals, look very sweet with short blonde hair 

the opposite of me, I’m very confident, work in a completely different industry, I’m quite bossy and blunt, although I’m very kind.

 

[Weezy1973]

12 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well I get told I am pretty and men stare at me everywhere but don’t approach. This guy used to tell me I was hot but I always think if I was hot, he would have stayed.

I’m not talking about what people tell you. Most people know based on what they see in the mirror. Most attractive people know they’re attractive. 
 

But, no, just being hot will not make anybody stay. I’ve date some very attractive women and didn’t pursue anything with them because we weren’t a match.

 

15 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t know if he had a type. Although I saw pics of his exes and they were all kinda girls that work with children, or animals, look very sweet with short blonde hair 

the opposite of me

 

So yeah, could be this. 

[Alpacalia]

This guy is just using and manipulating you and you refuse to get the message.

He may have some insecurities that are preventing him from fully committing to a romantic relationship, but that is not your fault. Please don't internalize his issues and make this about you. Please work on your self-esteem --- saying you're "doomed" and "at 25 men didn't want me" is keeping you in a situation where you're receiving breadcrumbs from a guy who is playing with your emotions. 

You did nothing wrong in this situation. This guy may have found you attractive and enjoyed your company, but that's it. Asking you to leave in the morning and not responding to your messages and seeing you every few weeks are clear signs that he is looking at this relationship as purely casual.

Edited May 18, 2024 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

I think you need to work on your confidence. You say you are very confident but also youre "doomed" because "men don't want you" and you're only 29. That doesn't suggest high self-worth to me.

And also no, just being hot doesn't mean men will stick around. It might draw them in initially but if they don't vibe with your personality, or there is something else they find off putting, it will fizzle out especially if they are also an attractive man and have other options.

Edited May 18, 2024 by FredEire

[Lotsgoingon]

His hot and cold has NOTHING to do with what you did "right" or what you did "wrong."

You are operating under a harmful delusion to think that his weirdness must be the result of something you are doing wrong. The reverse is true as well: people fall hard for us not because we are acting in some perfect way. People can fall hard for us and we really have little clue why. 

You really don't want to put up with this hot and cold. And you don't need to know why he is acting this way. But if you want a reason, I can give you one. When I was hot and cold, totally reflected my confusion about my life, about what I wanted in life, about my insecurity, fears and on and on.  In my 20s, I could be hot and cold with women I totally admired and thought were hot because I was still figuring out who the heck I was. NOTHING to do with what the other person was doing.

 

 

 

 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

His hot and cold has NOTHING to do with what you did "right" or what you did "wrong."

You are operating under a harmful delusion to think that his weirdness must be the result of something you are doing wrong. The reverse is true as well: people fall hard for us not because we are acting in some perfect way. People can fall hard for us and we really have little clue why. 

You really don't want to put up with this hot and cold. And you don't need to know why he is acting this way. But if you want a reason, I can give you one. When I was hot and cold, totally reflected my confusion about my life, about what I wanted in life, about my insecurity, fears and on and on.  In my 20s, I could be hot and cold with women I totally admired and thought were hot because I was still figuring out who the heck I was. NOTHING to do with what the other person was doing.

 

 

 

 

Yep really good observation. Anyone can say we like tall blondes with a big behind or tall dark and handsome Spanish men but this is really surface level sexual attraction stuff. The factors that make us go crazy for someone and keep us up at night thinking about them are a lot more complicated because they have to do with our childhood models of relationships and our internalised needs when searching for a partner.

Since most of this operates in the subconscious it's very hard to make sense of. The only thing that's for sure is that the more confident we are and the more we value ourselves the more other people will feel this way about us as we have more to provide, and the more we devalue ourselves and are ruled by our insecurities the more we will be seen as expendable since the power is now all in the hands of the other.

It doesn't come down to doing some small thing "right" or "wrong" in the moment but more overall where we are at as a person that will direct our chemistry and interactions with those around us.

I've know guys who quite frankly acted quite weird and did nothing "right" in a conventional sense, and weren't even that physically attractive, but they had women tripping over themselves for them because there was something about their aura and they way they conducted themselves that drew people in.

Edited May 18, 2024 by FredEire

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

he came back to be friends and then was texting me all the time. Wanted to see me, hugging me and telling me how he feels we get along well. Then disappears again and comes back again. Dunno what’s wrong with me 

It's not YOU, it's HIM. (For real.) This is how he is, so suggest you seek greener pastures rather than put yourself in the orbiter role by pining over someone you can't have.

There is such a thing to a man as "a fling with a nice person who (for whatever reason) isn't for me long term." I think that may be what's going on here.

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's not YOU, it's HIM. (For real.) This is how he is, so suggest you seek greener pastures rather than put yourself in the orbiter role by pining over someone you can't have.

There is such a thing to a man as "a fling with a nice person who (for whatever reason) isn't for me long term." I think that may be what's going on here.

It would have been more of a fling if he actually was passionate about the sex. In the bedroom he would say ‘oh I’m thinking too much!’ So we had some issues meaning he also wasn’t comfortable with a lot of things. He said he was starting to feel more comfortable with me though. Weird. One of my friends is certain he’s perhaps gay, as it’s often the handsome well groomed ones and he was quite feminine in appearance 

anyway, it’s weird how he wanted to be friends and still he dips in and out of my life all the time 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

anyway, it’s weird how he wanted to be friends and still he dips in and out of my life all the time 

Eh, it's not weird for people that enjoy having fan clubs. 

Some guys really just like knowing they can message any number of women and get a response (ie. attention) when they're bored. And yes, there are women like this too. But this guy didn't have serious intentions with you. It doesn't make him gay or a commitment-phobe or even manipulative. You are free to not respond back, you know. 

[basil67]

11 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

In the bedroom, he enjoyed kissing and touching me but moving further, he struggled and said he was thinking too much. I was a lot more confident in that respect and I tried to reassure him when he said he was thinking too much but can’t help it means I’m not attractive 

Have you got any idea how many younger men have sexual problems with a real woman because of excessive porn consumption?  I'd wager that this is the cause of him not being able to make it work.   It's all about dopamine and desensitisation.   Your level of attractiveness has nothing to do with it

https://healthmatch.io/erectile-dysfunction/what-is-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction

[PeachPalm1]

On 5/17/2024 at 1:24 PM, Alpacalia said:

I think your clue to his interest lies in him asking you to leave the morning after you spent the night, seeming to be cool and distant on the phone, etc. All those things plus, he is from overseas. Does not seem like the perfect timing for both of to start something serious. What if he just wanted some fun while he was here?  Sometimes the connection is just intense, but it still doesn't make the other person compatible for romantic relationship.  

I can see why you are sad, I would be too, and confused. But he is not as interested in you as you are in him. Going through his dating profile, feeling just sad and worried, and insecure that it's your fault will not solve any of your problems. So stop doing that. Get focused and stop implying that there is something wrong with you.  

He told me he was looking for a long term relationship and he felt settled here

 

hes since rejoined the dating apps looking for a long term relationship too