do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[basil67]

11 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

In the bedroom, he enjoyed kissing and touching me but moving further, he struggled and said he was thinking too much. I was a lot more confident in that respect and I tried to reassure him when he said he was thinking too much but can’t help it means I’m not attractive 

Have you got any idea how many younger men have sexual problems with a real woman because of excessive porn consumption?  I'd wager that this is the cause of him not being able to make it work.   It's all about dopamine and desensitisation.   Your level of attractiveness has nothing to do with it

https://healthmatch.io/erectile-dysfunction/what-is-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction

[PeachPalm1]

On 5/17/2024 at 1:24 PM, Alpacalia said:

I think your clue to his interest lies in him asking you to leave the morning after you spent the night, seeming to be cool and distant on the phone, etc. All those things plus, he is from overseas. Does not seem like the perfect timing for both of to start something serious. What if he just wanted some fun while he was here?  Sometimes the connection is just intense, but it still doesn't make the other person compatible for romantic relationship.  

I can see why you are sad, I would be too, and confused. But he is not as interested in you as you are in him. Going through his dating profile, feeling just sad and worried, and insecure that it's your fault will not solve any of your problems. So stop doing that. Get focused and stop implying that there is something wrong with you.  

He told me he was looking for a long term relationship and he felt settled here

 

hes since rejoined the dating apps looking for a long term relationship too

[happyhorizons]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He told me he was looking for a long term relationship and he felt settled here

 

hes since rejoined the dating apps looking for a long term relationship too

It’s his loss. That’s the mindset for you for sure

[Lotsgoingon]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He told me he was looking for a long term relationship and he felt settled here.

And tell myself all the time that I will get up and run 6 miles in the morning and avoid carbs & eat vegetables only the rest of the day. So what?!

You want to judge his actions--not what he says. Lots of people say all kinds of things that disconnected from how they really are.

 

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 anyway, it’s weird how he wanted to be friends and still he dips in and out of my life all the time 

I don't think it's weird per se because I can see what he's doing and why he's doing it. Like others, I think he's manipulative. He's using you. When he needs an ego boost, he seeks you out. And what happens when he gets hold of you? You treat him like a demi-god, he feels better about himself, he no longer needs you, he puts you back on the "shelf," and he gets on with his life. He will return much later, when he needs another ego boost.

And because you are seeking affirmation that you are beautiful and that you deserve to be loved, you accept his mistreatment of you. One of the reasons why he keeps coming back and doing this to you again and again is because you allow him to. Don't get me wrong. This is who he is. He does the same thing with plenty of other people. But some get tired of being used and shut the door on him. Unfortunately, you interpret his behavior as somehow being your fault, so instead of shutting the door on him, you spend a lot of energy blaming yourself.

The moment you decide that you are a person who is worthy of love and all the beautiful things you want for yourself, you will stop sitting passively and allowing people to do whatever they want to you. Instead, you will set the standard for how you want to be treated, and you will be quick to get rid of people who violate that standard. 

You should have blocked this guy a long time ago. Block him today. He is not your friend.

And take a long break from dating. You need to stop seeking affirmation from other people and learn to find affirmation within yourself. And you must build your self-esteem to healthy levels. When you're emotionally healthy, you will be in a much better position to recognize when the people you're dating are wrong for you.

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't think it's weird per se because I can see what he's doing and why he's doing it. Like others, I think he's manipulative. He's using you. When he needs an ego boost, he seeks you out. And what happens when he gets hold of you? You treat him like a demi-god, he feels better about himself, he no longer needs you, he puts you back on the "shelf," and he gets on with his life. He will return much later, when he needs another ego boost.

And because you are seeking affirmation that you are beautiful and that you deserve to be loved, you accept his mistreatment of you. One of the reasons why he keeps coming back and doing this to you again and again is because you allow him to. Don't get me wrong. This is who he is. He does the same thing with plenty of other people. But some get tired of being used and shut the door on him. Unfortunately, you interpret his behavior as somehow being your fault, so instead of shutting the door on him, you spend a lot of energy blaming yourself.

The moment you decide that you are a person who is worthy of love and all the beautiful things you want for yourself, you will stop sitting passively and allowing people to do whatever they want to you. Instead, you will set the standard for how you want to be treated, and you will be quick to get rid of people who violate that standard. 

You should have blocked this guy a long time ago. Block him today. He is not your friend.

And take a long break from dating. You need to stop seeking affirmation from other people and learn to find affirmation within yourself. And you must build your self-esteem to healthy levels. When you're emotionally healthy, you will be in a much better position to recognize when the people you're dating are wrong for you.

I don’t treat him like any Demi-god. I just reply to his messages, friendly but not over the top. I’m very blunt most of the time too, though he said he liked that about me how I speak my mind and how I tell him if I don’t like something. I’ve already told him many times him messaging me and then not replying for days that I don’t like it. So I’m aware when people are being weird but most people in life are flakey so it’s a case of observing them and then speaking up 
 

actually have had a long break from dating. He just came back recently to be friends.

 

im quite an argumentative person and a little bit bossy.I’ve had exes come back to me solely because they are attracted to intelligence and know they get a good discussion going with me. Might be the same with this guy. Like the other week, he said something and I told him ‘I just want to say, you sound incredibly patronising there and I don’t appreciate that.’

 

he doesn’t seem the type to need an ego boost.he’s successful and confident. 

[basil67]

On 5/17/2024 at 8:30 PM, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m 29 and never had a partner

vs 

26 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve had exes come back to me solely because they are attracted to intelligence and know they get a good discussion going with me.

Hang on, you say you've never had a partner, then you refer to exes (plural!) coming back to you.   Both can't be true, so which one is the falsehood?

 

Edited May 19 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

vs 

Hang on, you say you've never had a partner, then you refer to exes (plural!) coming back to you.   Both can't be true, so which one is the falsehood?

 

I call them exes bht they just people I dated that it wasn’t official with. Exes to me but not officially partners. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I call them exes bht they just people I dated that it wasn’t official with. Exes to me but not officially partners. 

OK. so you've just said that you are argumentative and bossy.  Neither of these are positive traits and will wear people out.  

I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, but being a partner involves teamwork and mutual respect.  Being argumentative and bossy is the anthesis of respect.   Learn to work as a team.  Learn to agree to disagree.  Learn when to leave things be.  

For what it's worth, I'm a woman and would never consider a relationship with a guy who was argumentative and bossy no matter how smart and attractive he may be

Edited May 19 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK. so you've just said that you are argumentative and bossy.  Neither of these are positive traits and will wear people out.  

I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, but being a partner involves teamwork and mutual respect.  Being argumentative and bossy is the anthesis of respect.   Learn to work as a team.  Learn to agree to disagree.  Learn when to leave things be.  

For what it's worth, I'm a woman and would never consider a relationship with a guy who was argumentative and bossy no matter how smart and attractive he may be

No but not overly, I’ve like checked with people. Like people say my bossiness is not overbearing, it’s just I’m assertive and decisive.bossy was the wrong word. Basically what I’m saying is I can hold my own. I speak my mind, I communciaye etc

but with guy I felt more scared to do so out of fear of losing him or being too much 

[PeachPalm1]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK. so you've just said that you are argumentative and bossy.  Neither of these are positive traits and will wear people out.  

I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, but being a partner involves teamwork and mutual respect.  Being argumentative and bossy is the anthesis of respect.   Learn to work as a team.  Learn to agree to disagree.  Learn when to leave things be.  

For what it's worth, I'm a woman and would never consider a relationship with a guy who was argumentative and bossy no matter how smart and attractive he may be

Sorry I think I used the wrong words. I’ve actually never had an argument with a man, I’m just assertive with boundaries. 

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No but not overly, I’ve like checked with people. Like people say my bossiness is not overbearing, it’s just I’m assertive and decisive.bossy was the wrong word. Basically what I’m saying is I can hold my own. I speak my mind, I communciaye etc

but with guy I felt more scared to do so out of fear of losing him or being too much 

Being confident, assertive, and direct are all attractive qualities. This is not on you OP (IMO) but rather HIS issue.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wasting an awful lot of brain power on a guy who isn't that bothered, OP. 

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are wasting an awful lot of brain power on a guy who isn't that bothered, OP. 

 

He just messaged me now after 2 weeks ignoring me to see how I’m doing and sent me a recipe he thinks I will like, ugh.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why "ugh"?

You keep letting him do this. He clearly sees you as a buddy and that's it. If you don't like it, block him. You aren't a passive bystander to your own happiness. 

Edited May 19 by ExpatInItaly

[PeachPalm1]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why "ugh"?

You keep letting him do this. He clearly sees you as a buddy and that's it. If you don't like it, block him. You aren't a passive bystander to your own happiness. 

If this is the most I’ve ever connected with someone and the only person in my life who checks in with me regularly, I’m wondering if that does mean something wrong with me. Like he does make effort but sporadically like everyone else in my lfie

we are long distant too so given the distance he does ok 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

the only person in my life who checks in with me regularly

He isn't really checking in, though. He randomly messages you or sends meaningless recipes. That isn't "checking in."

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m wondering if that does mean something wrong with me

You said you have ask your friends for feedback. What have they told you? 

[Weezy1973]

42 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He just messaged me now after 2 weeks ignoring me to see how I’m doing and sent me a recipe he thinks I will like, ugh.

This seems like a fairly normal thing for a friend to do. So he’s not really doing anything wrong here. If you can’t handle it, then you have to tell him that because you still have romantic feelings for him, you can’t just be friends. Then block and delete. It will help you move on. And it’s also consistent with assertively maintaining boundaries, which is how you describe yourself.

Edited May 19 by Weezy1973

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

If this is the most I’ve ever connected with someone and the only person in my life who checks in with me regularly, I’m wondering if that does mean something wrong with me. Like he does make effort but sporadically like everyone else in my lfie

we are long distant too so given the distance he does ok 

Well, you both are 'sorta' friends, and that's what they do - they check in with each other and maintain communication (even if it's just random recipes). But why do you think that means there's something wrong with you? 

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He isn't really checking in, though. He randomly messages you or sends meaningless recipes. That isn't "checking in."

You said you have ask your friends for feedback. What have they told you? 

That I’m a kind and empathetic person and they don’t know why I’ve never had a partner 

 

I just worry I’m universally not what men want. That they can always find better despite the connection we share. 

[happyhorizons]

5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

That I’m a kind and empathetic person and they don’t know why I’ve never had a partner 

 

I just worry I’m universally not what men want. That they can always find better despite the connection we share. 

Please Do NOT have that mindset. It simply has NOT been the “right guy” so far. Of course, that can change when you least expect it.😊

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

That I’m a kind and empathetic person and they don’t know why I’ve never had a partner 

 

I just worry I’m universally not what men want. That they can always find better despite the connection we share. 

Maybe these men are most likely the player type...smooth talkers, charmers, know how to connect with women emotionally through manipulation, but once they see you can't be fooled by their tactics they walk away. Your picker is off. You are not selecting the right kind of guy...and so what if they say they are looking for a relationship...it can be all BS and part of their game.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Maybe these men are most likely the player type...smooth talkers, charmers, know how to connect with women emotionally through manipulation, but once they see you can't be fooled by their tactics they walk away. Your picker is off. You are not selecting the right kind of guy...and so what if they say they are looking for a relationship...it can be all BS and part of their game.

I feel attraction physically to like one man a year.and last guy it was him. It’s sooo rare that I actually fancy someone and I felt relieved when I met him. I even thought I was asexual but then i desired him bad. He wasn’t even that attractive, but he was to me. I’m scared I will never feel it again or will have to settle for someone I don’t find physically attractive and then I will be using them

this guy definitely wasn’t the player type. I don’t like player type boys. When I do like a guy they all tend to be super nerdy, intelligent and motivated men 

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I feel attraction physically to like one man a year.and last guy it was him. It’s sooo rare that I actually fancy someone and I felt relieved when I met him. I even thought I was asexual but then i desired him bad. He wasn’t even that attractive, but he was to me. I’m scared I will never feel it again or will have to settle for someone I don’t find physically attractive and then I will be using them

this guy definitely wasn’t the player type. I don’t like player type boys. When I do like a guy they all tend to be super nerdy, intelligent and motivated men 

If you struggle with this, this badly, then I suggest a therapist to get some answers....you shouldn't be navigating this on your own.

[smackie9]

BTW players come in all shapes and sizes...not all are your typical open shirt, gold chain wearing, clubbing guys. They can be intelligent/reliable/super kind and friendly/caring and still play that game. I know someone who is exactly that. I saw right through his nonsense, but so many well educated women that fell for him and his bs. He was a serial cheater to boot.