Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: If you struggle with this, this badly, then I suggest a therapist to get some answers....you shouldn't be navigating this on your own. It can be normal to feel attraction rarely? it’s like I feel it in an all or nothing way. With him on the first date, I was just smitten and it felt amazing. When he held my hand, I felt in heaven. And I finally enjoyed sex for the first time in my life I don’t think that needs a therapist? I have a therapist however for bereavement and loneliness. Attraction is such a weird thing I wish I felt it more Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: BTW players come in all shapes and sizes...not all are your typical open shirt, gold chain wearing, clubbing guys. They can be intelligent/reliable/super kind and friendly/caring and still play that game. I know someone who is exactly that. I saw right through his nonsense, but so many well educated women that fell for him and his bs. He was a serial cheater to boot. I thought if he was a player, he would follow dozens of girls on instagram, but I appear to be the only woman he follows in 100 people. That aren’t his family unless he is gay or something. In the bedroom he said he was thinking too much. Dates were mainly daytime dates and he wouldn’t ask me to stay or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, happyhorizons said: Please Do NOT have that mindset. It simply has NOT been the “right guy” so far. Of course, that can change when you least expect it.😊 I don’t think so. Keep seeing TikTok videos explaining the uk dating scene and basically it’s all messed up. I don’t even believe in the right guy thing. Because honestly this guy has been the right guy out of anyone I’ve met. Even 4 years ago I was invisible to men. I feel like men have endless options and I can’t compete anymore. I just wish this guy would realise and change his mind even the last guy I dated for a whole year, I was so happy and out of the blue he said he dated me as lonely and never fell in love so I feel like men when I find one will just settle for me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 27 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: just wish this guy would realise Realize what? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 By definition the right guy is someone who is wildly interested in you--and who is consistent. And when people say "the right guy" really most of us mean "a right guy." There are a thousand guys in the world that could be right for you. Let's back off of the juvenile fantasy that creeps into our minds that there is such a thing as an effortless, frictionless, painless, all-bliss, perfect-fit relationship. Does not exist. And look, the real lesson of dating is that we can fall hard, fall deeply in love with someone, and still that does NOT really mean this person is in fact a good match for us. The women I fell hardest and fastest for turned out not to be particularly good partners. The brain that gets us to fall in love does not realistically examine the strengths and weaknesses of the other person. The brain that falls in love doesn't know how much debt the person has, or how they've treated previous lovers, or how they get along really with their parents and siblings. And btw: in some cases, in really toxic families, it's healthier than the person DOES NOT get along with their parents and siblings. It can take us half a year to a year or more to figure out that. We can only know a partner is good for us after we see how they are when they are sick or how they treat us when we are sick or how they handle money and how they are under stress and how they really perform on their jobs and on and on. You can only know if someone is good for you after you have had arguments and conflicts and disagreements and after you figure out that you and the partner can resolve real disagreements and differences. Every partner has a side (multiple sides really) that will get on our nerves. It takes time to figure out that we can handle their particular insecurities and wounds and traumas and that they can handle ours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Realize what? That we would be good together. That I’m not like other girls and that we have similar wants and desire for the future, Similar interests and intellect etc dating in the uk is crap, I feel like people think the grass is greener and don’t realise what they had 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 Just now, Lotsgoingon said: By definition the right guy is someone who is wildly interested in you--and who is consistent. And when people say "the right guy" really most of us mean "a right guy." There are a thousand guys in the world that could be right for you. Let's back off of the juvenile fantasy that creeps into our minds that there is such a thing as an effortless, frictionless, painless, all-bliss, perfect-fit relationship. Does not exist. And look, the real lesson of dating is that we can fall hard, fall deeply in love with someone, and still that does NOT really mean this person is in fact a good match for us. The women I fell hardest and fastest for turned out not to be particularly good partners. The brain that gets us to fall in love does not realistically examine the strengths and weaknesses of the other person. The brain that falls in love doesn't know how much debt the person has, or how they've treated previous lovers, or how they get along really with their parents and siblings. And btw: in some cases, in really toxic families, it's healthier than the person DOES NOT get along with their parents and siblings. It can take us half a year to a year or more to figure out that. We can only know a partner is good for us after we see how they are when they are sick or how they treat us when we are sick or how they handle money and how they are under stress and how they really perform on their jobs and on and on. You can only know if someone is good for you after you have had arguments and conflicts and disagreements and after you figure out that you and the partner can resolve real disagreements and differences. Every partner has a side (multiple sides really) that will get on our nerves. It takes time to figure out that we can handle their particular insecurities and wounds and traumas and that they can handle ours. That’s the thing I didn’t feel a crazy spark for this guy but I’ve never felt that and I know that a spark is just anxiety anyway, it was more a rational attraction as we both want kids, similar life goals, same interests, similar intellect. It just was a match in that respect. And I don’t believe in the perfect realtiosniop either, that’s why I wanted him to stay so we could grow and things I knew would develop. Instead he left and I don’t think he realises were a match I was looking forward to see where things go. I’m not looking for the perfect match but I liked him. or he does seeing as he keeps me around and tells me how well we get along. Maybe he not ready Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said: That we would be good together. That I’m not like other girls and that we have similar wants and desire for the future, Similar interests and intellect etc But if he doesn't have the right feelings for you, the above isn't enough. For him, it wasn't a match. 1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said: that’s why I wanted him to stay so we could grow and things I knew would develop. You don't know this. You hope this, but you cannot say for sure this would have worked out. He apparently didn't share your thoughts and feelings, otherwise he'd still have been dating you. Please stop tormenting yourself on what could have been. That wasn't the reality of this situation and it does you know good to grieve a hypothetical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: But if he doesn't have the right feelings for you, the above isn't enough. For him, it wasn't a match. You don't know this. You hope this, but you cannot say for sure this would have worked out. He apparently didn't share your thoughts and feelings, otherwise he'd still have been dating you. Please stop tormenting yourself on what could have been. That wasn't the reality of this situation and it does you know good to grieve a hypothetical. He’s not sure if he will go back to Australia and he says he’s in a difficult situation as he just doesn’t know. could that make a guy avoid relationships? But now he’s back on the dating apps, I hope he is honest with those girls Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: But now he’s back on the dating apps, I hope he is honest with those girls Eh, it's not your problem either way. 2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: could that make a guy avoid relationships? Possibly, but he might also use that as a convenient excuse not to take things to the next level. And the answer to that question doesn't change anything for you anyway. Please try to avoid going around in circles again. You're going to drive yourself crazy with these thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: He’s not sure if he will go back to Australia and he says he’s in a difficult situation as he just doesn’t know. could that make a guy avoid relationships? But now he’s back on the dating apps, I hope he is honest with those girls You just can’t force something that is not there. He’s back on apps because he is moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 (edited) --------- Edited May 19 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 44 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: could that make a guy avoid relationships? But now he’s back on the dating apps, I hope he is honest with those girls Not if he really likes the girl. As you can see he's still interested in dating if he's back on the dating apps. It will help you to stop snooping on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 OP, you can DO BETTER than him. I am not saying he's a bad guy but you deserve someone who shows you more than he is or has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 47 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: You just can’t force something that is not there. He’s back on apps because he is moving on. If he is moving on, why last month did he take me to a gig, and was holding my hand (weirdly we have this pull toward each other) and then took me to play golf and he was touching me a lot, including on the bum three times. There was something there. Then we sat and had coffee and talked and talked and talked and he goes ‘ah wow it’s so good to see you, me and you really get along well.’ and then after that he was messaging me all day everyday. Then he just stops and now he drops messages here and there and I just wonder did I ruin it for myself and what am I doing wrong Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said: If he is moving on, why last month did he take me to a gig, and was holding my hand (weirdly we have this pull toward each other) and then took me to play golf and he was touching me a lot, including on the bum three times. There was something there. Then we sat and had coffee and talked and talked and talked and he goes ‘ah wow it’s so good to see you, me and you really get along well.’ and then after that he was messaging me all day everyday. Then he just stops and now he drops messages here and there and I just wonder did I ruin it for myself and what am I doing wrong I am not sure that ANYONE has all the answers aside from HIM. Obviously, he LIKES you but not enough to stop dating or put in MORE EFFORT to connect/contact you consistently. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 20 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: I am not sure that ANYONE has all the answers aside from HIM. Obviously, he LIKES you but not enough to stop dating or put in MORE EFFORT to connect/contact you consistently. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS..... Yes and in the uk the dating scene is so bad I don’t understand how I will find anyone else without me settling for someone I don’t click with. I wanted to have kids too and my mother have premature menopause so I feel I’m on a tight deadline. Which makes it so unenjoyable every guy I’ve ever dated hasn’t liked me enough. Even men in college who weren’t even that attractive looking back, they still just like my Pics all the time and never ever message me.like all these people that just hover around me like I’m not good enough even for them. That scares me Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 Your concerns are of course VALID but I think LOVE just happens often when WE least expect it. I know there is not much solace in BELIEVING IT WILL HAPPEN but you NEVER KNOW when you will come across someone that enjoys you as much as you enjoy them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 12 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: Your concerns are of course VALID but I think LOVE just happens often when WE least expect it. I know there is not much solace in BELIEVING IT WILL HAPPEN but you NEVER KNOW when you will come across someone that enjoys you as much as you enjoy them. Ok but can and do men who reject you one time, come back and realise they develop feelings in a friendship. Which is what we have now? Him messaging me sometimes and liking my pics is clearly a sigh he doesn’t want to lose this connection. His personality type is intj too and they are renound for being extremely logical and unromantic when it comes to relationships. He was like that, he only ever texted me in these long formal paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 46 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: Even men in college who weren’t even that attractive looking back, they still just like my Pics all the time and never ever message me. How friendly were you with these guys? Did you stop and chat when you saw them going by, or go up and join them at the bar? Did you ever give them a green light? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 On 5/18/2024 at 12:55 PM, PeachPalm1 said: It would have been more of a fling if he actually was passionate about the sex. In the bedroom he would say ‘oh I’m thinking too much!’ Maybe "attempted fling" then. It sounds like you're a hard person to partner with as you're not attracted to that many men and are also bossy and argumentative, both according to you. Perhaps you're attracting a match who's also tough to partner with, but for his own reasons. This might be something you're unconsciously comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said: I wanted to have kids too and my mother have premature menopause so I feel I’m on a tight deadline. Which makes it so unenjoyable That's a problem right there. Not that you want to have children but it's a very common occurrence where some women settle for mediocre treatment because of their "tight deadline." Start considering your other options, freeze your eggs and try to take the emotion out of the decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said: If he is moving on, why last month did he take me to a gig, and was holding my hand (weirdly we have this pull toward each other) and then took me to play golf and he was touching me a lot, including on the bum three times. There was something there. Then we sat and had coffee and talked and talked and talked and he goes ‘ah wow it’s so good to see you, me and you really get along well.’ and then after that he was messaging me all day everyday. Then he just stops and now he drops messages here and there and I just wonder did I ruin it for myself and what am I doing wrong Honestly it sounds like typical date behavior. Not anything that can ascertain his feelings other than he likes you or he wouldn't see and talk to you. Has he asked you to be exclusive with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 31 minutes ago, stillafool said: Honestly it sounds like typical date behavior. Not anything that can ascertain his feelings other than he likes you or he wouldn't see and talk to you. Has he asked you to be exclusive with him? No because like my post said this was after he ended things with me and said he didn’t feel romantic. Now he will wanna see me sometimes, be quite touchy feely when he sees me but no kissing or anything like that but then he will disappear for long periods of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 53 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Maybe "attempted fling" then. It sounds like you're a hard person to partner with as you're not attracted to that many men and are also bossy and argumentative, both according to you. Perhaps you're attracting a match who's also tough to partner with, but for his own reasons. This might be something you're unconsciously comfortable with. No I’m not attracted to many men. I used the wrong word, I don’t argue with people but I am firm about my boundaries and I am assertive. Link to post Share on other sites
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