do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

56 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How friendly were you with these guys?  Did you stop and chat when you saw them going by, or go up and join them at the bar?   Did you ever give them a green light?

Oh yeah I used to ask these guys on dates. And invite them round for dinner and stuff like that, but they would reject me 

[happyhorizons]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Oh yeah I used to ask these guys on dates. And invite them round for dinner and stuff like that, but they would reject me 

I really don’t think that it’s your fault (given the info you have shared). Maybe, just not put so much pressure on yourself and just let things happen

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Oh yeah I used to ask these guys on dates. And invite them round for dinner and stuff like that, but they would reject me 

I've got the perfect antidote for that.

 

[happyhorizons]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I've got the perfect antidote for that.

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm^^^^

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

That I’m not like other girls

What do you mean by that?

I hope you didn’t express this thought to that guy. It just sounds weirdly off-putting.

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve never felt that and I know that a spark is just anxiety anyway, it was more a rational attraction as we both want kids, similar life goals, same interests, similar intellect.

What?

Spark is attraction. Spark is the beginning of romance and the seed of future love. Without spark, dating makes no sense.

There is no such thing as “rational attraction”. Attraction is based on sexual chemistry. Similar life goals and interests mean nothing without a basic desire to kiss and touch the other person, without the heart skipping a beat when we see them, without missing them when they aren’t there.

You just haven’t met a man who’d make you feel a spark yet. Or, you’re repressing your budding sparky feelings because of your erroneous idea that spark is just anxiety.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok but can and do men who reject you one time, come back and realise they develop feelings in a friendship.

No.

They can come back for other reasons, such as being rejected by women they’re in love with, feeling lonely, and settling for someone they don’t have a spark with. Those are sad, wrong reasons, however. You really don’t want a guy who comes back to you only because he’s realized he’s getting old and wants to have kids with someone, for example.

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

His personality type is intj too and they are renound for being extremely logical and unromantic when it comes to relationships

Why would you ever want to have a romantic relationship with an unromantic man?

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

What do you mean by that?

I hope you didn’t express this thought to that guy. It just sounds weirdly off-putting.

What?

Spark is attraction. Spark is the beginning of romance and the seed of future love. Without spark, dating makes no sense.

There is no such thing as “rational attraction”. Attraction is based on sexual chemistry. Similar life goals and interests mean nothing without a basic desire to kiss and touch the other person, without the heart skipping a beat when we see them, without missing them when they aren’t there.

You just haven’t met a man who’d make you feel a spark yet. Or, you’re repressing your budding sparky feelings because of your erroneous idea that spark is just anxiety.

However on the very last date before he ended things, we couldn’t stop kissing and it was amazing. Making out on the sofa for hours and we went to an escape room and out for cheese and wine and we could not take our hands off each other. And then he told me he was glad he met me and that he’s told all of his friends about me now. And then the next week he said he didn’t feel romantic and I was so so confused by that. So what was all that we had between us on the date kissing for hours 

[Gebidozo]

39 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

However on the very last date before he ended things, we couldn’t stop kissing and it was amazing. Making out on the sofa for hours and we went to an escape room and out for cheese and wine and we could not take our hands off each other. And then he told me he was glad he met me and that he’s told all of his friends about me now. And then the next week he said he didn’t feel romantic and I was so so confused by that. So what was all that we had between us on the date kissing for hours 

I’m confused, you said you didn’t feel a spark for that man, so how could the kissing be amazing?

Anyway, maybe I misunderstood and you did feel a spark for him, and the kissing was amazing for you,  but obviously not for him, otherwise he would have continued the romance.

You really shouldn’t try to figure out why he did what he did. There could be millions of combinations and life situations and reasons. Bottom line is, he isn’t interested.

I could take a wild guess and say that maybe he tried to make it work, but was ultimately put off by your practical approach (spark is not needed because it’s just anxiety, looking for a man because you’re in a hurry to have kids, and so on). But it could also be any of the various other reasons which have nothing to do with you.

[NuevoYorko]

Why do you think that being attractive and sharing a couple of good times with somebody necessarily would lead to a long term relationship?

Thousands upon thousands of good looking people go on a date or two, maybe have sex, and that's it. 

Either one or both of them aren't feeling like going any further.   

This happened.

Stop trying to find explanations for it - it simply was not happening for him.  

You need to move on.  I'm sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And then the next week he said he didn’t feel romantic and I was so so confused by that. So what was all that we had between us on the date kissing for hours 

He doesn't see you as girlfriend potential, but he was up for a few cheap thrills to scratch an itch. 

Again, you are going around in circles here. What is all this fretting and over-analyzing getting you? What is it you want to hear from us? Apparently you're not getting much from posters' responses because you keep asking the same sorts of questions over and over. 

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m confused, you said you didn’t feel a spark for that man, so how could the kissing be amazing?

Anyway, maybe I misunderstood and you did feel a spark for him, and the kissing was amazing for you,  but obviously not for him, otherwise he would have continued the romance.

You really shouldn’t try to figure out why he did what he did. There could be millions of combinations and life situations and reasons. Bottom line is, he isn’t interested.

I could take a wild guess and say that maybe he tried to make it work, but was ultimately put off by your practical approach (spark is not needed because it’s just anxiety, looking for a man because you’re in a hurry to have kids, and so on). But it could also be any of the various other reasons which have nothing to do with you.

Well I didn’t really have that practical approach and didn’t tell him I wanted kids 

he’s the one that would initiate kissing, literally telling me ‘oh wow I’m enjoying kissing you.’ It was really clear he enjoyed kissing me. Sometimes he kept asking me ‘are you enjoying it?’ And looked concerned and I was enjoying it so I was confused by this.

then he lost his job and had visa issues. I didn’t see him for a month as he went away to sort stuff out and when he came back his vibe seemed different. Less passion

[PeachPalm1]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He doesn't see you as girlfriend potential, but he was up for a few cheap thrills to scratch an itch. 

Again, you are going around in circles here. What is all this fretting and over-analyzing getting you? What is it you want to hear from us? Apparently you're not getting much from posters' responses because you keep asking the same sorts of questions over and over. 

No I know it’s just no one sees me as gf potential despite me considering myself as wifey material. I’m mature, I’m kind and caring and supportive and I have all that to him. I’m honest and authentic. Why would he go from one date kissing my forehead and telling me that he’s told all his friends now he sees a long term thing with me, then after that date sharing lots of cute future date ideas… to him suddenly pulling away and saying he felt romantic. Like he got spooked when I wasn’t being ‘too much.’

and then I wonder why I am not gf material. That’s what hurts  

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No I know it’s just no one sees me as gf potential despite me considering myself as wifey material. I’m mature, I’m kind and caring and supportive and I have all that to him. I’m honest and authentic. Why would he go from one date kissing my forehead and telling me that he’s told all his friends now he sees a long term thing with me, then after that date sharing lots of cute future date ideas… to him suddenly pulling away and saying he felt romantic. Like he got spooked when I wasn’t being ‘too much.’

and then I wonder why I am not gf material. That’s what hurts  

I get a bit of a "nice guy" vibe here. The guys who always take rejection very personally and say "why lord do these women now want me, I'm such a nice guy and only the a**h***s get the girl".

Its a comfort blanket which usually covers up a whole lot of insecurities and lack of acknowledgement of all they things they need to work on.

Maybe consider that you're not "wifey material" because you have too many issues with yourself that mean you're not going to meet a suitable partner at the moment. You need to work on these and the quality of your relationships will improve as a by-product.

Nobody goes for the people who are desperately telling everyone "pick me!", because even if you're not expressing this directly it's going to come across. I think you're probably picking the wrong men as well, but you need to get to a place where you can accept experiences while not having the outcome direct your level of self-esteem.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well I didn’t really have that practical approach and didn’t tell him I wanted kids 

he’s the one that would initiate kissing, literally telling me ‘oh wow I’m enjoying kissing you.’ It was really clear he enjoyed kissing me. Sometimes he kept asking me ‘are you enjoying it?’ And looked concerned and I was enjoying it so I was confused by this.

then he lost his job and had visa issues. I didn’t see him for a month as he went away to sort stuff out and when he came back his vibe seemed different. Less passion

It was a date.  Sometimes people act more romantic than they actually feel because they are trying to find chemistry with that person.  I've been guilty of this myself back when I was dating and I'm a woman.  Then the next day, I barely thought about them.  That's why it's best not to get too ahead of yourself when you first start dating someone.  In my experience when a man wants you there's no questioning it, they make it known and are consistent.

[happyhorizons]

WOW, this ^^^ is great insight. OP. He is not consistent and does not put in the effort. He’s on dating apps looking to meet others these are pretty clear signs for you. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

and then I wonder why I am not gf material. That’s what hurts  

You're girlfriend material, just not girlfriend material for this specific guy.

People can go from being in the moment and feeling a connection with someone, to realizing later on that they're just not feeling that romantic spark. That's just the way relationships and attraction work sometimes.

Don't forget that there is a certain allure of what we can't have.

This guy did NOT want you sleeping over; there was a reason why he kept pushing you out the door early every time you stayed over. At first he was seemingly all in, but even then something was not quite right. 

I guess he was enjoying the flirting, attention, and validation but in reality nothing there.

When he lost his job he felt insecure and wanted someone to give him confidence. Then he flipped the script, and then the hot and cold. I believe he felt things might go somewhere with you and felt bad about using you for validation and probably also had some feelings for you, but not enough to commit. 

Also worth mentioning that while he apparently admitted that he wasn't feeling things romantically, he still enjoyed your company, etc. Listen, women get told flat out that a guy just wants her for the sex, that he's playing with her, etc. and do they take this kind of advice or warning? NOPE, they continue to want the same kind of thing that they are being told is what's going on. They're being told that a guy is a player and is just looking for a one-night stand and would never see him again (if she could help it), but they take this guy into their homes, go on trips with them, settle for calls at odd and random times, all without ever being anything more or better quality than another woman that he found on a dating site purely by chance and this could be one of a few.

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're girlfriend material, just not girlfriend material for this specific guy.

People can go from being in the moment and feeling a connection with someone, to realizing later on that they're just not feeling that romantic spark. That's just the way relationships and attraction work sometimes.

Don't forget that there is a certain allure of what we can't have.

This guy did NOT want you sleeping over; there was a reason why he kept pushing you out the door early every time you stayed over. At first he was seemingly all in, but even then something was not quite right. 

I guess he was enjoying the flirting, attention, and validation but in reality nothing there.

When he lost his job he felt insecure and wanted someone to give him confidence. Then he flipped the script, and then the hot and cold. I believe he felt things might go somewhere with you and felt bad about using you for validation and probably also had some feelings for you, but not enough to commit. 

Also worth mentioning that while he apparently admitted that he wasn't feeling things romantically, he still enjoyed your company, etc. Listen, women get told flat out that a guy just wants her for the sex, that he's playing with her, etc. and do they take this kind of advice or warning? NOPE, they continue to want the same kind of thing that they are being told is what's going on. They're being told that a guy is a player and is just looking for a one-night stand and would never see him again (if she could help it), but they take this guy into their homes, go on trips with them, settle for calls at odd and random times, all without ever being anything more or better quality than another woman that he found on a dating site purely by chance and this could be one of a few.

Ok thanks. But if he didn’t want me to stay, then why would he invite me to dinner in the first place. and then as we were long distance,I had no choice but to stay. Then in the morning I had a long Journey back home. It used to feel s*** 

and not to sound vain, he used to tell me he found me hot. When himself wasn’t that good looking but his personality won me over. I really like his personality 

 

which leads onto a concern I have , I’m worried I will only like men who don’t like me back but find me hot. I’m not lying when I say me and him connected strongly on an intellectual level in particular. We both have the same myers briggs type too and we seek intellectual stimulation in our relationships. All this was discussed 

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok thanks. But if he didn’t want me to stay, then why would he invite me to dinner in the first place. and then as we were long distance,I had no choice but to stay. Then in the morning I had a long Journey back home. It used to feel s*** 

and not to sound vain, he used to tell me he found me hot. When himself wasn’t that good looking but his personality won me over. I really like his personality 

 

which leads onto a concern I have , I’m worried I will only like men who don’t like me back but find me hot. I’m not lying when I say me and him connected strongly on an intellectual level in particular. We both have the same myers briggs type too and we seek intellectual stimulation in our relationships. All this was discussed 

It is a strange emotional experience trying to keep up with another stereotype like the meyers brigg temperamental intuition as a performance or stereotype and then become a prisoner of such an emotional place as a thing restricted to a locked down preconceived idea that seems right but probably has other dimensions one has not experienced before.

Meeting men who are like this and connected in this way takes time and may mean that you won't find someone right away who meets these criteria. However, when you do find the right person, it will be worth the wait. Remember to also focus on other traits in a partner and not just their intellectual compatibility.

People are multifaceted and not one-dimensional beings. You may find someone who meets some of the criteria but not all, and that's okay. What's important is finding someone who makes you happy and who you have a strong connection with, on multiple levels.

As for your concern about only liking people who don't like you back, tale as old as time I'm afraid. But attraction and compatibility are fickle things. 

[NuevoYorko]

It's your responsibility TO YOURSELF to deal with things like this appropriately.   

This guy was not ever "that into you" and that's that.

Next time you get information from a guy you're seeing that he is "not that into you," stop tying yourself up in knots over it and gracefully move yourself on down the road to the future.

Him trying to get you out of there when you were "long distance" was all you needed to have nipped this in the bud early.

In any case, now is the time for you to leave this in your rear-view mirror and ... onward.   It's not worth any more of your time and attention.  He was not that into you.  That's all.   

Hold out for guys who ARE.

 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m mature, I’m kind and caring and supportive and I have all that to him. I’m honest and authentic.

OP, just listen to yourself. You sound like the female version of those hapless, incelish “daters” with super long threads on this forum. In case you’re wondering, this is definitely not a compliment.

Your “I’m so great, why don’t they like me” attitude is very off-putting. I said it repeatedly to those guys and I’m bluntly telling you the same. Nobody likes people who think they are great and at the same time keep complaining about others. Boasting alone is a turn off, but boasting combined with whining is even worse. 

What’s attractive is humility, recognition of one’s own flaws, and seeing relationships as learning experiences that enrich our lives and fill us with gratitude. Try to be more like that, and you’ll see that men will flock to you like rabbits to a carrot field.

[PeachPalm1]

30 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, just listen to yourself. You sound like the female version of those hapless, incelish “daters” with super long threads on this forum. In case you’re wondering, this is definitely not a compliment.

Your “I’m so great, why don’t they like me” attitude is very off-putting. I said it repeatedly to those guys and I’m bluntly telling you the same. Nobody likes people who think they are great and at the same time keep complaining about others. Boasting alone is a turn off, but boasting combined with whining is even worse. 

What’s attractive is humility, recognition of one’s own flaws, and seeing relationships as learning experiences that enrich our lives and fill us with gratitude. Try to be more like that, and you’ll see that men will flock to you like rabbits to a carrot field.

I have worked on myself and I am incredibly self reflective. I keep analysing what I did wrong. What I could have done better? Eg should I have been more flirty, more this, more that etc etc 

 

 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok thanks. But if he didn’t want me to stay, then why would he invite me to dinner in the first place. and then as we were long distance,I had no choice but to stay. Then in the morning I had a long Journey back home. It used to feel s*** 

and not to sound vain, he used to tell me he found me hot. When himself wasn’t that good looking but his personality won me over. I really like his personality 

 

which leads onto a concern I have , I’m worried I will only like men who don’t like me back but find me hot. I’m not lying when I say me and him connected strongly on an intellectual level in particular. We both have the same myers briggs type too and we seek intellectual stimulation in our relationships. All this was discussed 

It's clear by your posting you are very concerned that you are not all that worth it, maybe not as "hot" as he is making you out to be, so you need the validation. But you can only really get this from yourself, if you need it from another person it will be a never-ending emotional vacuum.

And as for chasing unavailable people, join the club. It's a cliché as old as time that you are most into people who are either not at all into you, or just into you enough to keep you chasing and try to "win" them over, a carrot on a stick just out of reach.

I can't say I've really solved that one either, otherwise I wouldn't be single and posting on Love shack 😂 But what I've heard from several friends in happy relationships is that when the right thing comes along there's no chasing involved. It just clicks and works for both of you. It doesn't come along until you're ready for it though. What I've accepted lately is that I'm not ready for it right now, which I think is an important step to getting there. Accept what is and let things flow.

Edited May 20 by FredEire

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I have worked on myself and I am incredibly self reflective. I keep analysing what I did wrong. What I could have done better? Eg should I have been more flirty, more this, more that etc etc 

 

 

That's not self-reflection that self-criticising and beating yourself up with a big stick.

It's not like chess where you make the wrong move and lose the game, it's more about where you are in life and what you need to work on on a personal level that will direct how well or otherwise the different areas of your life are working out.

That comes down to small things on a practical level like daily habits, goals, work life, hobbies etc and also work on yourself, understanding and unpacking unresolved issues from your past etc.

[mark clemson]

Part of this is that there is a part of you that can't really accept that he wasn't that into you. And it seems that, as suggested above, you're chasing the guy you can't have. BUT again, his breaking things off could easily have a lot more to do with him than with you. 

However, that is his specific case. You indicate you've don't go for many men and, although you seem to waffle on it, you've suggested that your personality may be off-putting. If you are fine with being single, no big deal. IF you prefer to not remain single, you probably want to work on this, e.g. with a therapist. Attractive adult men tend to have many options, and looks are not the only factor they take into account.

ALSO if you are e.g. in your 30's then many of the "high quality" men who really WANT to be in LTRs already are. So you are likely encountering men who are happy single or perhaps n some cases aren't good at LTRs for whatever reasons, and e.g. break things off with potential good LT partners.

I will note that it's clear YOU are not good at LTRs, since if you were, and are an attractive woman, you'd very likely already be in one. You may be unconsciously gravitating towards a type of man you are comfortable with - where he's not actually likely to form a LTR.

Edited May 20 by mark clemson

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Part of this is that there is a part of you that can't really accept that he wasn't that into you. And it seems that, as suggested above, you're chasing the guy you can't have. BUT again, his breaking things off could easily have a lot more to do with him than with you. 

However, that is his specific case. You indicate you've don't go for many men and, although you seem to waffle on it, you've suggested that your personality may be off-putting. If you are fine with being single, no big deal. IF you prefer to not remain single, you probably want to work on this, e.g. with a therapist. Attractive adult men tend to have many options, and looks are not the only factor they take into account.

ALSO if you are e.g. in your 30's then many of the "high quality" men who really WANT to be in LTRs already are. So you are likely encountering men who are happy single or perhaps n some cases aren't good at LTRs for whatever reasons, and e.g. break things off with potential good LT partners.

I will note that it's clear YOU are not good at LTRs, since if you were, and are an attractive woman, you'd very likely already be in one. You may be unconsciously gravitating towards a type of man you are comfortable with - where he's not actually likely to form a LTR.

I agree with this.

Speaking from my own experience, I think if a theme for you is wondering what is wrong with you, you are going to gravitate towards people who strengthen this emotional turmoil. You are attracted to them because they confirm this way of operating.

If you met a guy who thought you were just wonderful and wanted to be with you all the time, that tension wouldn't be there and as a result you wouldn't find him as magnetically attractive.

And on the surface you may well feel you want scenario 2, but only find yourself in scenario 1. So the fix is figuring out and addressing why you never feel that you are enough.

Edited May 20 by FredEire