Els Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 Why would you even think that being "attractive" means that the other person will automatically be smitten to the point of wanting a romantic relationship 100% of the time with you? Humans have feelings and needs and desires that aren't ALL rooted in the nerves at the base of their groin, you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 35 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Part of this is that there is a part of you that can't really accept that he wasn't that into you. And it seems that, as suggested above, you're chasing the guy you can't have. BUT again, his breaking things off could easily have a lot more to do with him than with you. However, that is his specific case. You indicate you've don't go for many men and, although you seem to waffle on it, you've suggested that your personality may be off-putting. If you are fine with being single, no big deal. IF you prefer to not remain single, you probably want to work on this, e.g. with a therapist. Attractive adult men tend to have many options, and looks are not the only factor they take into account. ALSO if you are e.g. in your 30's then many of the "high quality" men who really WANT to be in LTRs already are. So you are likely encountering men who are happy single or perhaps n some cases aren't good at LTRs for whatever reasons, and e.g. break things off with potential good LT partners. I will note that it's clear YOU are not good at LTRs, since if you were, and are an attractive woman, you'd very likely already be in one. You may be unconsciously gravitating towards a type of man you are comfortable with - where he's not actually likely to form a LTR. No I never said my personality is off putting, I’m a kind and caring person, who is honest and communicative whilst being assertive and decisive. Which could be taken as bossy by some but not most. I like who I am the reason why I am upset is because I’ve always felt invisible to men and not pursued and when I met him, and we soon established we were very compatible it felt it was my one chance. I didn’t want to mess it up and I did everything I could, but I’m not needy or desperate no I’m 27. I had an ex 2 years ago who I loved dearly but he was very insecure and didn’t want children too. So don’t tell me if I was attractive I would already be in one as I haven’t dated for 2 years to heal from that. So why should I be in a relationship already? I just clicked with this guy my type = nerdy guys, intelligent, mature especially since I am nerdy too Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 22 minutes ago, Els said: Why would you even think that being "attractive" means that the other person will automatically be smitten to the point of wanting a romantic relationship 100% of the time with you? Humans have feelings and needs and desires that aren't ALL rooted in the nerves at the base of their groin, you know. Someone here said that there must be something wrong with me since I am 27 and not in a long term relationship and that’s what my concern is. It’s a bit upsetting well me and this guy talked about our life goals, desire for children, where we wanna live , similar interests. We established how compatible we were and as a demisexual, it worked for me Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: We established how compatible we were and as a demisexual, it worked for me More than likely he is not demisexual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 OP, what steps are you taking to actually (emotionally) let go of this man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 32 minutes ago, stillafool said: More than likely he is not demisexual. No but we built up a connection before we met in person which meant by the time I met him I was strongly attracted to him, so it didn’t matter by that point Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 On 5/17/2024 at 6:30 AM, PeachPalm1 said: I don’t get it . I’m 29 and never had a partner and me and him really clicked. 58 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: no I’m 27. Please tell us your secret for aging in reverse. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, what steps are you taking to actually (emotionally) let go of this man? I’m trying to date others. I go on a date once a week, but I’m finding a lot of the other men a lot more disrespectful than this guy. Plus there’s a clear disconnect between these other men I date. One touched my bum on the first date and I had to tell him that’s disrespectful and it was a bit upsetting for me. And then the same guy tried to kiss me and I just wasn’t feeling it and he went for it anyway. Safe to say these other dates I have felt a bit violated it upsets me that someone on here said that something must be wrong with me if I’ve never had a long term relationship. I had an abusive ex many years ago, and I had therapy for that. I like to think that wasn’t my fault. Then I had an ex 2 years ago who didn’t want kids like I do one day so I had to end it even though I loved him, then I met this guy 2 years later and I felt ready after healing I guess what I’m seeking here is reassurance I’m doing nothing wrong and these experiences are entirely normal. It’s just my friends are settled down and I’m having these experiences and I have no one to talk through them and my friends don’t seem to relate as they didn’t have these problems Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 2 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Please tell us your secret for aging in reverse. Typo I’m 27. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: Typo I’m 27. In April you wrote that you were 28. Whether you are 27 or 28 or 29 is not really important. That you seem to be less than forthcoming about details is an issue. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 2 minutes ago, introverted1 said: In April you wrote that you were 28. Whether you are 27 or 28 or 29 is not really important. That you seem to be less than forthcoming about details is an issue. I turn 28 next week Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 15 minutes ago, stillafool said: This place. Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: Huh? 27, 28, 29? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 (edited) 49 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I’m trying to date others. I go on a date once a week, but I’m finding a lot of the other men a lot more disrespectful than this guy. Plus there’s a clear disconnect between these other men I date. One touched my bum on the first date and I had to tell him that’s disrespectful and it was a bit upsetting for me. And then the same guy tried to kiss me and I just wasn’t feeling it and he went for it anyway. Safe to say these other dates I have felt a bit violated it upsets me that someone on here said that something must be wrong with me if I’ve never had a long term relationship. I had an abusive ex many years ago, and I had therapy for that. I like to think that wasn’t my fault. Then I had an ex 2 years ago who didn’t want kids like I do one day so I had to end it even though I loved him, then I met this guy 2 years later and I felt ready after healing I guess what I’m seeking here is reassurance I’m doing nothing wrong and these experiences are entirely normal. It’s just my friends are settled down and I’m having these experiences and I have no one to talk through them and my friends don’t seem to relate as they didn’t have these problems So it's a case of the one that got away really. I think from what you described he's not worth pining over like this and there's no magic formula for what you did "wrong" he just didn't see a relationship with you and nothing you could have done was going to change that. 27 is still very young in today's world, as is 28 and 29. Even if you were 39, 49 or 59 hey the circumstances maybe be a bit different but its the same stuff weren't talking about. You can't worry about what anyone else is doing, you're on your own path. The nature of dating is you're probably not going to click with the majority of people you go out with, so you just have to accept that for what it is. Edited May 20 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 31 minutes ago, stillafool said: 27, 28, 29? I’m 27 but 28 next week Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 35 minutes ago, FredEire said: So it's a case of the one that got away really. I think from what you described he's not worth pining over like this and there's no magic formula for what you did "wrong" he just didn't see a relationship with you and nothing you could have done was going to change that. 27 is still very young in today's world, as is 28 and 29. Even if you were 39, 49 or 59 hey the circumstances maybe be a bit different but its the same stuff weren't talking about. You can't worry about what anyone else is doing, you're on your own path. The nature of dating is you're probably not going to click with the majority of people you go out with, so you just have to accept that for what it is. Yes and I appreciate that. I guess I just struggle as it took me over a year to get over my ex, didn’t think I’d like someone again and then this guy came along and did everything my ex never did for me without me asking. My ex was communicative but never took me on a date once and he didn’t want kids , this new guy planned dates (although confirmed plans very last minute which frustrated me and I had to bring that up as it meant I couldn’t plan my weekend). after my ex I had a lot of therapy, i didn’t fancy anyone else and it made me quite anxious scared I wouldn’t meet someone again. So when this guy came along, it was a spark of home. I wanted to do everything right, I kept myself busy with hobbies too so I don’t focus on him too much. But this guys behaviour ended up being so confusing. Interested on dates, telling me he wants kids too, he sees a long term thing, met his friends! It was hard not to get excited. and I was aware of his distancing, how cold he was after dates but I just waited to see how things played out. maybe im just a fool lol Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 (edited) 5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: Yes and I appreciate that. I guess I just struggle as it took me over a year to get over my ex, didn’t think I’d like someone again and then this guy came along and did everything my ex never did for me without me asking. My ex was communicative but never took me on a date once and he didn’t want kids , this new guy planned dates (although confirmed plans very last minute which frustrated me and I had to bring that up as it meant I couldn’t plan my weekend). after my ex I had a lot of therapy, i didn’t fancy anyone else and it made me quite anxious scared I wouldn’t meet someone again. So when this guy came along, it was a spark of home. I wanted to do everything right, I kept myself busy with hobbies too so I don’t focus on him too much. But this guys behaviour ended up being so confusing. Interested on dates, telling me he wants kids too, he sees a long term thing, met his friends! It was hard not to get excited. and I was aware of his distancing, how cold he was after dates but I just waited to see how things played out. maybe im just a fool lol I've had a very similar experience in the last few years, took me two years to get over my ex (who I broke it off with). Met someone I was immediately crazy about put way too much into it and was a bit of a mess when it ended up not going very well. You're not alone. All you can do is work on yourself, but hanging on to his memory this long and catastrophising are signs of low self-esteem (something I also struggle with). Your positive description of yourself and your other statements don't line up, you don't seem to be someone who's brimming with self-confidence. I think you need to do further work on this in therapy and where it might be coming from. Edited May 20 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 4 minutes ago, FredEire said: I've had a very similar experience in the last few years, took me two years to get over my ex (who I broke it off with). Met someone I was immediately crazy about put way too much into it and was a bit of a mess when it ended up not going very well. You're not alone. All you can do is work on yourself, but hanging on to his memory this long and catastrophising are signs of low self-esteem (something I also struggle with). Your positive description of yourself and your other statements don't line up, you don't seem to be someone who's brimming with self-confidence. I think you need to do further work on this in therapy and where it might be coming from. My confidence has come on. I like how I must give off positive vibes as every time I go to the supermarket, random people come and chat to me. That’s a positive step. I am confident but this is just my inner ramblings, letting it all out. his behaviour has been utterly confusing whilst we have been dating. And I can appreciate he didn’t like me romantically. It’s just the way even after he ends things.. before he ended things, he was sending me ‘cute date ideas’ in his words. One activity he spoke of for e cute date ideas, a few months later he took me there as friends, he was touching me on the bum a lot, hugging me and tickling me when I said something silly, it was very playful. We had a deep Convo about long term goals and I shared how I worry I won’t have kids. He shared that he’s not sure if he wants kids but he’s sure it will come one day, how he missed his family the other side of the world and how he’s completely unsure how long he will stay in this country. In those moments, I felt close to him and he hugged me and said he was so happy to see me. then he was texting me all the time more then when we were dating. And I felt is getting very close. Him showing a lot of interest in my hobbies and my art. and then one day, he just stopped replying. He drops in occasionally with a message. Likes my pics and it makes me wonder if he’s keeping me around as he’s not sure what he wants. I’m trying to move on and not take it persoanlly Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I’m 27 but 28 next week And then 25 next week. LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: And then 25 next week. LOL Hilarious Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 19 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: a few months later he took me there as friends, he was touching me on the bum a lot, hugging me and tickling me when I said something silly, it was very playful. We had a deep Convo about long term goals and I shared how I worry I won’t have kids. He shared that he’s not sure if he wants kids but he’s sure it will come one day, how he missed his family the other side of the world and how he’s completely unsure how long he will stay in this country. In those moments, I felt close to him and he hugged me and said he was so happy to see me. Touching your bum, giving you a hug and tickling you is just a man enjoying touching a woman. If he's barely contacting you and dialed it back to friends, it's inappropriate for him to touch your bum, why did you let him? People talk about their long term goals, whether or not they want kids and family with their friends and family, it's conversation and isn't an indicator or romantic interest. Same with a hug. You're kind of grasping at straws. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Just now, stillafool said: Touching your bum, giving you a hug and tickling you is just a man enjoying touching a woman. If he's barely contacting you and dialed it back to friends, it's inappropriate for him to touch your bum, why did you let him? People talk about their long term goals, whether or not they want kids and family with their friends and family, it's conversation and isn't an indicator or romantic interest. Same with a hug. You're kind of grasping at straws. Well I pulled away, I felt confused as it was very subtle I wasn’t sure if he was aware he was doing it, it just seemed playful. But it did make me feel confused Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 51 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: My confidence has come on. I like how I must give off positive vibes as every time I go to the supermarket, random people come and chat to me. That’s a positive step. I am confident but this is just my inner ramblings, letting it all out. his behaviour has been utterly confusing whilst we have been dating. And I can appreciate he didn’t like me romantically. It’s just the way even after he ends things.. before he ended things, he was sending me ‘cute date ideas’ in his words. One activity he spoke of for e cute date ideas, a few months later he took me there as friends, he was touching me on the bum a lot, hugging me and tickling me when I said something silly, it was very playful. We had a deep Convo about long term goals and I shared how I worry I won’t have kids. He shared that he’s not sure if he wants kids but he’s sure it will come one day, how he missed his family the other side of the world and how he’s completely unsure how long he will stay in this country. In those moments, I felt close to him and he hugged me and said he was so happy to see me. then he was texting me all the time more then when we were dating. And I felt is getting very close. Him showing a lot of interest in my hobbies and my art. and then one day, he just stopped replying. He drops in occasionally with a message. Likes my pics and it makes me wonder if he’s keeping me around as he’s not sure what he wants. I’m trying to move on and not take it persoanlly That's good, it seems like you still have a bit more to do. You're just over analysing every little thing now. I feel like when someone leaves you confused it's usually because they're only half-interested and maybe enjoy your time and attention 50% of the time and the other half they're not that bothered, whether that's because of seeing other people, committment issues, not over an ex etc. Unfortunately for a relationship its not likely to work and if someone starts off like this its unlikely to get better. Any relationship or close-to-relationship I've had the girl has been quite keen from the off. Anything where she's been half-in, half-out hasn't worked out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 6 minutes ago, FredEire said: That's good, it seems like you still have a bit more to do. You're just over analysing every little thing now. I feel like when someone leaves you confused it's usually because they're only half-interested and maybe enjoy your time and attention 50% of the time and the other half they're not that bothered, whether that's because of seeing other people, committment issues, not over an ex etc. Unfortunately for a relationship its not likely to work and if someone starts off like this its unlikely to get better. Any relationship or close-to-relationship I've had the girl has been quite keen from the off. Anything where she's been half-in, half-out hasn't worked out. Yeah maybe it was never going to work. I felt a bit confused as the night beofre the first date, I hadn’t heard from him for 3 days. I was a bit confused as the lead up to that he had been very keen. He had asked me out to hang in a city half way between mine and his so like 45 mins away. At midnight he still hadn’t confirmed the lunchtime plans he had mentioned the day beofre so at midnight I texted him ‘hey, sorry it’s late but I wasn’t sure if we were still meeting tomorrow. Let me know!’ He replied ‘hey sorry been out and about with friends. Absolutely, I will meet you at the station at 12pm. See you then :)’ then we met and when I got there he said ‘I’m really sorry and I’ve planned badly but I have to leave in 2 hours as I have another dinner with a friend, hope that’s ok.’ We went out for lunch and it was a lot of fun, amazing chat etc, but I did feel a little disappointed as I the plans were for us to explore this town, go to the cathedral etc. we parted ways he gave me a hug I texted him when I got home to say ‘thanks for the pizza , I had a lovely time meeting you :)’ he replied at 1am ‘sorry for late reply, just got back from my friends. I enjoyed meeting you too. Good luck with the new week, talk soon!’ didnt hear from him all week so I was brave at the end of the week and texted him and said ‘fancy visiting my town? I’ll show you that coffee place I told you about and maybe we can get some lunch.’ He replied instantly and said abolsutrly. although the day before he asked me if we could reschedule to the day after and he apologised because he said his other friends have changed availability and one had just broken up with their partner and he wanted to support them. But the next day he came to visit, we had our first kiss and tons of laughs. But then after the date he went back to taking days to reply maybe he had his own issues all along. Maybe not ready to date? Things got better over time, he spoke of how more comfortable he was feeling with me. I think he continued to feel comfortable in our friendship Maybe really is a him thing and the chemsitry is off. I admit myself on the last date, I felt l lost attraction to him too due to his inconsistency Link to post Share on other sites
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