do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I have worked on myself and I am incredibly self reflective. I keep analysing what I did wrong. What I could have done better? Eg should I have been more flirty, more this, more that etc etc 

Oh come on.  Please stop.  What part of "he was not that into you" is so difficult to understand?

Are you aware that without a doubt every person here, reading your thread, has had an experience where we really liked someone who did not feel the same way about us?

It's NORMAL.  

You probably didn't do anything "wrong."

Though, sorry, but I have to say you appear to be deliberately obtuse on this thread.   If you are like this in all types of relationships and interactions, you would be off-putting.   It's like you are refusing to, or are not capable of seeing another point of view than your own. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m trying to date others. I go on a date once a week, but I’m finding a lot of the other men a lot more disrespectful than this guy. Plus there’s a clear disconnect between these other men I date. One touched my bum on the first date and I had to tell him that’s disrespectful and it was a bit upsetting for me. And then the same guy tried to kiss me and I just wasn’t feeling it and he went for it anyway. Safe to say these other dates I have felt a bit violated 

 

it upsets me that someone on here said that something must be wrong with me if I’ve never had a long term relationship. I had an abusive ex many years ago, and I had therapy for that. I like to think that wasn’t my fault. Then I had an ex 2 years ago who didn’t want kids like I do one day so I had to end it even though I loved him, then I met this guy 2 years later and I felt ready after healing 

 

I guess what I’m seeking here is reassurance I’m doing nothing wrong and these experiences are entirely normal. It’s just my friends are settled down and I’m having these experiences and I have no one to talk through them and my friends don’t seem to relate as they didn’t have these problems 

You've said no men are ever interested in you, yet you've named 2 exes of yours and 2 other men you've been on dates with recently.  Please try to tell the truth.  You just want this one but he's not showing the same interest.  Don't reach out to him anymore, let him contact you and offer a proper date that is set with a time.  Don't accept another day meeting.  Saturday night is prime date night and if you aren't offered that, decline.  I can almost guarantee when you saw him during the day that Saturday and he told you he was having dinner with a friend that it was with another girl.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah maybe it was never going to work. I felt a bit confused as the night beofre the first date, I hadn’t heard from him for 3 days. I was a bit confused as the lead up to that he had been very keen. He had asked me out to hang in a city half way between mine and his so like 45 mins away. At midnight he still hadn’t confirmed the lunchtime plans he had mentioned the day beofre 

so at midnight I texted him ‘hey, sorry it’s late but I wasn’t sure if we were still meeting tomorrow. Let me know!’ He replied ‘hey sorry been out and about with friends. Absolutely, I will meet you at the station at 12pm. See you then :)’

then we met and when I got there he said ‘I’m really sorry and I’ve planned badly but I have to leave in 2 hours as I have another dinner with a friend, hope that’s ok.’ We went out for lunch and it was a lot of fun, amazing chat etc, but I did feel a little disappointed as I the plans were for us to explore this town, go to the cathedral etc. we parted ways he gave me a hug

I texted him when I got home to say ‘thanks for the pizza , I had a lovely time meeting you :)’ he replied at 1am ‘sorry for late reply, just got back from my friends. I enjoyed meeting you too. Good luck with the new week, talk soon!’

didnt hear from him all week so I was brave at the end of the week and texted him and said ‘fancy visiting my town? I’ll show you that coffee place I told you about and maybe we can get some lunch.’ He replied instantly and said abolsutrly. 

although the day before he asked me if we could reschedule to the day after and he apologised because he said his other friends have changed availability and one had just broken up with their partner and he wanted to support them. But the next day he came to visit, we had our first kiss and tons of laughs. But then after the date he went back to taking days to reply 

maybe he had his own issues all along. Maybe not ready to date? Things got better over time, he spoke of how more comfortable he was feeling with me. I think he continued to feel comfortable in our friendship

Maybe really is a him thing and the chemsitry is off. I admit myself on the last date, I felt l lost attraction to him too due to his inconsistency 

He doesn't have 'issues' and it's not a 'him thing.  He's just not that into you.  And even if he was into you, you're being too forgiving about him being unable to commit to his word.

Block this time waster and move on

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I have worked on myself and I am incredibly self reflective. I keep analysing what I did wrong. What I could have done better? Eg should I have been more flirty, more this, more that etc etc 

 

 

You see, again you make it all about yourself. You are still in that erroneous thought paradigm that if you do this and that, the other guy must fall in love with you.

Don’t you see that this is just another aspect of your insecurity, alongside boasting and complaining? In all those cases, you think that it’s your fault that some stupid barely known guys don’t love you enough.

You either become defensive (“But I’m great! Why doesn’t he love me?”), accusatory (“He doesn’t love me, so he sucks!”), or self-deprecating (“There must be something wrong with me, otherwise he would have loved me!”)

But, you see, all of those mindsets are fundamentally wrong. People love whom they love, period. If you want to become more attractive in general, I suggest you heed to the advices given to you in this thread.

But bear in mind that becoming more attractive, charming, charismatic doesn’t guarantee instant success in every budding romantic endeavor. Even if you’re the most magnetically irresistible intellectual giant with the body of a sex bomb, you’ll have to experience failures and disappointments.

If I were you, the first thing I’d start working on would be that “no spark” situation. You’re way too preoccupied with what other people feel, and don’t seem to be worried at all that you, by your own admission, never feel “that spark”. This is the most concerning thing, by far. Relax, meditate on that, and start cultivating that spark. Men don’t like sparkless women, that much I can tell you with confidence.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 I’m a kind and caring person, who is honest and communicative whilst being assertive and decisive. Which could be taken as bossy by some but not most. 

One can be too honest and communicative.  Do you know when to keep your thoughts to yourself?  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

maybe he had his own issues all along. Maybe not ready to date?

He is ready to date. He just wasn't that interested in you. 

I'm sorry to be blunt, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but that's what it boils down to. 

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

One can be too honest and communicative.  Do you know when to keep your thoughts to yourself?  

Yeah absolutely, I’m not unintelligent, I know exactly when to keep my thoughts to myself. I’m very self aware in that respect 

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He is ready to date. He just wasn't that interested in you. 

I'm sorry to be blunt, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but that's what it boils down to. 

Well not necessarily, he was never forthcoming with what he was looking for and also he said he sees himself going back home the other side of the world next year. How is that conducive of a long term relationship? 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well not necessarily, he was never forthcoming with what he was looking for and also he said he sees himself going back home the other side of the world next year. How is that conducive of a long term relationship? 

If this is the case, why did you ask "Maybe [he's] not ready to date?"   Sounds like you already had your answer

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well not necessarily, he was never forthcoming with what he was looking for and also he said he sees himself going back home the other side of the world next year. How is that conducive of a long term relationship? 

It's not.

I think a lot of this comes down to you feeling used an unwanted. But you can't change what someone wants to placate your ego, you just have to be honest with yourself and either take it or leave it.

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

It's not.

I think a lot of this comes down to you feeling used an unwanted. But you can't change what someone wants to placate your ego, you just have to be honest with yourself and either take it or leave it.

Again, I don’t think it’s anything that the OP has or has not done. The guy is just not totally into a full blown relationship.

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If this is the case, why did you ask "Maybe [he's] not ready to date?"   Sounds like you already had your answer

Because I was confused as he’s since rejoins a dating app and it says ‘looking for long term but open to short.’ But then on another dating app it says ‘not sure yet.’

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Because I was confused as he’s since rejoins a dating app and it says ‘looking for long term but open to short.’ But then on another dating app it says ‘not sure yet.’

It doesn’t matter. He wasn’t into you. Not because there’s something wrong with you. You go on dates with people to see if they’re a match. More often than not, especially with online dating, they won’t be. Even if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you don’t instantly fall into that with the first person you go on a date with. In this case he realized you and him weren’t a match. No big deal. 

[PeachPalm1]

34 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, I don’t think it’s anything that the OP has or has not done. The guy is just not totally into a full blown relationship.

Yeah I’m just being a bit self critical that I did do something wrong. But I look back and I was honest and authentic. I did feel frustrated about how unemotional he was over text message, meaning it was hard for me to be my true self as I couldn’t be affectionate in messages. Well I tried but it was never reciprocated

He was soooo closed off he was almost robotic. 
 

 

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

It doesn’t matter. He wasn’t into you. Not because there’s something wrong with you. You go on dates with people to see if they’re a match. More often than not, especially with online dating, they won’t be. Even if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you don’t instantly fall into that with the first person you go on a date with. In this case he realized you and him weren’t a match. No big deal. 

And I understand that. I suppose I just don’t get why he thought we weren’t a match, he said he didn’t feel romantic but didn’t give me a reason. On dates, most of conversations were focused on how similar we were in terms of goals and values, good physical spark, he would speak of how we get along well. 
 

so sometimes I wonder if I only give off a friend vibe to men as I am quite reserved when I first meet someone until I am certain they like me back 

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I’m just being a bit self critical that I did do something wrong. But I look back and I was honest and authentic. I did feel frustrated about how unemotional he was over text message, meaning it was hard for me to be my true self as I couldn’t be affectionate in messages. Well I tried but it was never reciprocated

He was soooo closed off he was almost robotic. 
 

 

Exactly, you did nothing wrong on any level so don’t overthink it.

[Alpacalia]

OP, this guy is 30 going on 13. This is a guy with stunted emotional intelligence at best and a manipulative jerk at worst. Either way, this is a guy you should run from, not pine over. 

Take it as a sign that he is NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU. 

And I agree with others. It's not that you necessarily did anything wrong but his rejection has you questioning your entire self worth.

I can understand why that may be. One minute he's telling you how well you get along and hugging you, and the next minute he's pushing you away and ignoring your messages. He is keeping you on the hook while also trying to establish a new dating profile. This is not the behavior of someone who genuinely cares about you.

He is also sending mixed signals by being affectionate and talking about a potential future and then suddenly saying he doesn't feel romantic. He is playing with your emotions and giving you just enough hope to keep you interested, but not enough to actually give you a real relationship. I can assure you, his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own issues.

I hope that you can see that this guy is not someone you want in your life.

[FredEire]

57 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, I don’t think it’s anything that the OP has or has not done. The guy is just not totally into a full blown relationship.

Right. If someone is totally crazy about you they're going to overlook any small "mistakes" you make and may even overlook big ones that they really shouldn't, because the sun shines out of your behind and they just seriously want to spend time with you. If you are left confused and wondering what you did wrong it's because they were only half interested to begin with.

[happyhorizons]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Right. If someone is totally crazy about you they're going to overlook any small "mistakes" you make and may even overlook big ones that they really shouldn't, because the sun shines out of your behind and they just seriously want to spend time with you. If you are left confused and wondering what you did wrong it's because they were only half interested to begin with.

This ^^^he’s just not into you relationship wise for WHATEVER reason (and it could be one of many reasons).

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This ^^^he’s just not into you relationship wise for WHATEVER reason (and it could be one of many reasons).

And it’s true that some men are hesitant to get into long term relationships? Particularly if he’s unsure if he will stay in this country. He said before he met me, he had a last girlfriend 3 years ago and has just done casual ever since. But said he felt glad to have met me and felt I was more long term material  

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And it’s true that some men are hesitant to get into long term relationships? Particularly if he’s unsure if he will stay in this country. He said before he met me, he had a last girlfriend 3 years ago and has just done casual ever since. But said he felt glad to have met me and felt I was more long term material  

It’s obvious you are but maybe just NOT FOR HIM. I would just move on from him and be optimistic moving forward.

[PeachPalm1]

37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

OP, this guy is 30 going on 13. This is a guy with stunted emotional intelligence at best and a manipulative jerk at worst. Either way, this is a guy you should run from, not pine over. 

Take it as a sign that he is NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU. 

And I agree with others. It's not that you necessarily did anything wrong but his rejection has you questioning your entire self worth.

I can understand why that may be. One minute he's telling you how well you get along and hugging you, and the next minute he's pushing you away and ignoring your messages. He is keeping you on the hook while also trying to establish a new dating profile. This is not the behavior of someone who genuinely cares about you.

He is also sending mixed signals by being affectionate and talking about a potential future and then suddenly saying he doesn't feel romantic. He is playing with your emotions and giving you just enough hope to keep you interested, but not enough to actually give you a real relationship. I can assure you, his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own issues.

I hope that you can see that this guy is not someone you want in your life.

Yeah I agree, on the emotional intelligence part. He always was kinda vague in conversations, if he asked questions it was always things like ‘if you had to live in any historic era, what would it be?’ And I liked these questions but I wanted to talk deeper things. He always seemed a little robotic in his interactions, especially over text. 

he was very much into myers briggs as well. Described himself as an intj. He said that meant he didn’t feel that much empathy but he tries he said. He also talked about himself being harsh and after he got fired from his job, he used to rant about how he had difficulty respecting those he worked with as they ‘didn’t know what they were doing.’ A little bit of a random rant when we woke up one morning after a date. He got fired from his job as he essentially told them ‘you don’t know how to run a business!’ And they paid him out on the spot to leave. 
 

oh and not to mention I invited him to a party at the end of the sixth date. ‘My friend is having a New Year’s party, she says I can bring someone a long and I wanted to ask you. No pressure thought I’d ask.’ And he said ‘maybe.’ I said ‘just let me know in the next few days or so as I need to make arrangements and know where I’m gonna be etc.’ he said ‘sounds like you can’t handle uncertainty.’

He never used to hold the door for me and always used to walk ahead of me in public. Both things i commented on as I didn’t like them.
 

so yes maybe he didn’t have the emotional intelligence and I wonder if future partners may be treated in this way

Edited May 21 by PeachPalm1

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

meaning it was hard for me to be my true self as I couldn’t be affectionate in messages. Well I tried but it was never reciprocated

He was soooo closed off he was almost robotic. 

This is because he's not into you.  You just need to realize this and move on to someone else.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is because he's not into you.  You just need to realize this and move on to someone else.

I’m just angry that he said all these nice things during dates. Like ‘I’m so glad to have met you’ and ‘when you just said tjat, I realise that’s why me and you get along so well.’ And ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And ‘I’m playing the long game with you.’ He would kiss my forehead, hold my hand everywhere. There had to be some interest there, right? 

i would never say those things unless I meant them.  I know that makes me sound naive but it’s just confusing 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I suppose I just don’t get why he thought we weren’t a match, he said he didn’t feel romantic but didn’t give me a reason. On dates, most of conversations were focused on how similar we were in terms of goals and values, good physical spark, he would speak of how we get along well. 
 

so sometimes I wonder if I only give off a friend vibe to men as I am quite reserved when I first meet someone until I am certain they like me back 

He doesn't have to give you a reason why he doesn't feel romantic towards you, he may not even know his self why, he just knows he isn't feeling it.

Obviously, you don't give off a friend vibe because you've been in 2 relationships and just dated 2 guys, so someone is interested and wants you, just not this guy.