do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

34 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, I don’t think it’s anything that the OP has or has not done. The guy is just not totally into a full blown relationship.

Yeah I’m just being a bit self critical that I did do something wrong. But I look back and I was honest and authentic. I did feel frustrated about how unemotional he was over text message, meaning it was hard for me to be my true self as I couldn’t be affectionate in messages. Well I tried but it was never reciprocated

He was soooo closed off he was almost robotic. 
 

 

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

It doesn’t matter. He wasn’t into you. Not because there’s something wrong with you. You go on dates with people to see if they’re a match. More often than not, especially with online dating, they won’t be. Even if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you don’t instantly fall into that with the first person you go on a date with. In this case he realized you and him weren’t a match. No big deal. 

And I understand that. I suppose I just don’t get why he thought we weren’t a match, he said he didn’t feel romantic but didn’t give me a reason. On dates, most of conversations were focused on how similar we were in terms of goals and values, good physical spark, he would speak of how we get along well. 
 

so sometimes I wonder if I only give off a friend vibe to men as I am quite reserved when I first meet someone until I am certain they like me back 

[Alpacalia]

OP, this guy is 30 going on 13. This is a guy with stunted emotional intelligence at best and a manipulative jerk at worst. Either way, this is a guy you should run from, not pine over. 

Take it as a sign that he is NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU. 

And I agree with others. It's not that you necessarily did anything wrong but his rejection has you questioning your entire self worth.

I can understand why that may be. One minute he's telling you how well you get along and hugging you, and the next minute he's pushing you away and ignoring your messages. He is keeping you on the hook while also trying to establish a new dating profile. This is not the behavior of someone who genuinely cares about you.

He is also sending mixed signals by being affectionate and talking about a potential future and then suddenly saying he doesn't feel romantic. He is playing with your emotions and giving you just enough hope to keep you interested, but not enough to actually give you a real relationship. I can assure you, his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own issues.

I hope that you can see that this guy is not someone you want in your life.

[FredEire]

57 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, I don’t think it’s anything that the OP has or has not done. The guy is just not totally into a full blown relationship.

Right. If someone is totally crazy about you they're going to overlook any small "mistakes" you make and may even overlook big ones that they really shouldn't, because the sun shines out of your behind and they just seriously want to spend time with you. If you are left confused and wondering what you did wrong it's because they were only half interested to begin with.

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This ^^^he’s just not into you relationship wise for WHATEVER reason (and it could be one of many reasons).

And it’s true that some men are hesitant to get into long term relationships? Particularly if he’s unsure if he will stay in this country. He said before he met me, he had a last girlfriend 3 years ago and has just done casual ever since. But said he felt glad to have met me and felt I was more long term material  

[PeachPalm1]

37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

OP, this guy is 30 going on 13. This is a guy with stunted emotional intelligence at best and a manipulative jerk at worst. Either way, this is a guy you should run from, not pine over. 

Take it as a sign that he is NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU. 

And I agree with others. It's not that you necessarily did anything wrong but his rejection has you questioning your entire self worth.

I can understand why that may be. One minute he's telling you how well you get along and hugging you, and the next minute he's pushing you away and ignoring your messages. He is keeping you on the hook while also trying to establish a new dating profile. This is not the behavior of someone who genuinely cares about you.

He is also sending mixed signals by being affectionate and talking about a potential future and then suddenly saying he doesn't feel romantic. He is playing with your emotions and giving you just enough hope to keep you interested, but not enough to actually give you a real relationship. I can assure you, his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own issues.

I hope that you can see that this guy is not someone you want in your life.

Yeah I agree, on the emotional intelligence part. He always was kinda vague in conversations, if he asked questions it was always things like ‘if you had to live in any historic era, what would it be?’ And I liked these questions but I wanted to talk deeper things. He always seemed a little robotic in his interactions, especially over text. 

he was very much into myers briggs as well. Described himself as an intj. He said that meant he didn’t feel that much empathy but he tries he said. He also talked about himself being harsh and after he got fired from his job, he used to rant about how he had difficulty respecting those he worked with as they ‘didn’t know what they were doing.’ A little bit of a random rant when we woke up one morning after a date. He got fired from his job as he essentially told them ‘you don’t know how to run a business!’ And they paid him out on the spot to leave. 
 

oh and not to mention I invited him to a party at the end of the sixth date. ‘My friend is having a New Year’s party, she says I can bring someone a long and I wanted to ask you. No pressure thought I’d ask.’ And he said ‘maybe.’ I said ‘just let me know in the next few days or so as I need to make arrangements and know where I’m gonna be etc.’ he said ‘sounds like you can’t handle uncertainty.’

He never used to hold the door for me and always used to walk ahead of me in public. Both things i commented on as I didn’t like them.
 

so yes maybe he didn’t have the emotional intelligence and I wonder if future partners may be treated in this way

Edited May 21, 2024 by PeachPalm1

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

meaning it was hard for me to be my true self as I couldn’t be affectionate in messages. Well I tried but it was never reciprocated

He was soooo closed off he was almost robotic. 

This is because he's not into you.  You just need to realize this and move on to someone else.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is because he's not into you.  You just need to realize this and move on to someone else.

I’m just angry that he said all these nice things during dates. Like ‘I’m so glad to have met you’ and ‘when you just said tjat, I realise that’s why me and you get along so well.’ And ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And ‘I’m playing the long game with you.’ He would kiss my forehead, hold my hand everywhere. There had to be some interest there, right? 

i would never say those things unless I meant them.  I know that makes me sound naive but it’s just confusing 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I suppose I just don’t get why he thought we weren’t a match, he said he didn’t feel romantic but didn’t give me a reason. On dates, most of conversations were focused on how similar we were in terms of goals and values, good physical spark, he would speak of how we get along well. 
 

so sometimes I wonder if I only give off a friend vibe to men as I am quite reserved when I first meet someone until I am certain they like me back 

He doesn't have to give you a reason why he doesn't feel romantic towards you, he may not even know his self why, he just knows he isn't feeling it.

Obviously, you don't give off a friend vibe because you've been in 2 relationships and just dated 2 guys, so someone is interested and wants you, just not this guy.

[stillafool]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m just angry that he said all these nice things during dates. Like ‘I’m so glad to have met you’ and ‘when you just said tjat, I realise that’s why me and you get along so well.’ And ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And ‘I’m playing the long game with you.’ He would kiss my forehead, hold my hand everywhere. There had to be some interest there, right? 

i would never say those things unless I meant them.  I know that makes me sound naive but it’s just confusing 

You aren't him.  He's a nice guy who probably says nice things to everyone.  I don't see anything over the top that he said to you.  You said he kissed your forehead?  Did he ever take you in his arms and kiss you?  Did he make love to you?  I think you need to try to get interested in guys who want you.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Because I was confused as he’s since rejoins a dating app and it says ‘looking for long term but open to short.’ But then on another dating app it says ‘not sure yet.’

There's nothing to be confused about, he's looking for new people to date.  Stop snooping on him and move on.  At this point you are the one keeping yourself stuck.  As you can see he's moved on searching for new girls to date.  You should do the same and look for new guys.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He doesn't have to give you a reason why he doesn't feel romantic towards you, he may not even know his self why, he just knows he isn't feeling it.

Obviously, you don't give off a friend vibe because you've been in 2 relationships and just dated 2 guys, so someone is interested and wants you, just not this guy.

Well my last ex randomly on a trip, was acting weird. He didn’t want to leave the hotel room and just laid in bed eating crisps. I asked him what’s up and he said ‘I dated you as lonely and never got feelings.’ I sobbed and didn’t date for 2 years as was scared I wasn’t good enough to date.  The last guy wasn’t even attractive either just someone who grew on me with his charming and caring personality. Hence this new guy ending things and not telling me why is driving me mad 

 

he just said ‘what we are looking for in a potential relationship is different to where we are at now.’ And I don’t even know what that sentence means 

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You aren't him.  He's a nice guy who probably says nice things to everyone.  I don't see anything over the top that he said to you.  You said he kissed your forehead?  Did he ever take you in his arms and kiss you?  Did he make love to you?  I think you need to try to get interested in guys who want you.

Yeah we had sex, he would literally worship my body and be like ‘wow your body is amazing.’ But when it came to the actual act, he got incredibly nervous or something and said he was thinking too much. So I said we can just cuddle instead. By the 6th date, he told me he felt a lot more comfortable with me. And yes he would cuddle me in public and smother me with kisses, he couldn’t take his hands off me. Whilst I was cooking dinner, he would come behind me and kiss my neck and whisper in my ear and tell me ‘I’m having a wonderful night with you.’ 
 

the week after that, he would text me all the time. ‘Cute date ideas’ and recipes of things he wanted to cook for me. I felt excited things were changing between us

 

one day at end of week I texted him I was driving home and wondered if I can stop off in his town and see him as it’s on the way, he told me he was hungover. For 2 weeks, he didn’t text me before randomly ending things 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

he just said ‘what we are looking for in a potential relationship is different to where we are at now.’ And I don’t even know what that sentence means 

You need to learn to ask questions.  I don't think it would have mattered even if you did.  His statement is just a nice way of saying "I'm not into you in a romantic way".  Saying more might hurt your feelings and nice guys don't like hurting girls.  You just need to have the self-esteem to realize when a guy is not into you and move on.  You are the one driving yourself crazy while he's living his best life.

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah we had sex, he would literally worship my body and be like ‘wow your body is amazing.’ But when it came to the actual act, he got incredibly nervous or something and said he was thinking too much.

Something was stopping him from being able to make love to you.  Did he ever penetrate you?  Perhaps he found your body attractive but for some reason couldn't have sex with you.  That is a problem if he likes sex.  How old is he?

[FredEire]

41 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And it’s true that some men are hesitant to get into long term relationships? Particularly if he’s unsure if he will stay in this country. He said before he met me, he had a last girlfriend 3 years ago and has just done casual ever since. But said he felt glad to have met me and felt I was more long term material  

Absolutely. For some men (like myself), it's really rare to meet someone you're crazy about. Other guys fall in love every five minutes. Sometimes you can like someone and enjoy spending time with them but in the end your heart's not in it.

I think the fair thing in this case is to either try casual if both people are up for it, or end it. I agree it wasn't exactly great making allusions to a relationship if he didn't really want one, but this may have been him testing the waters for himself to see if it would spark something.

It sucks, but it is what it is, and it's not rare. It doesn't mean you suck or that you are unworthy or that plenty of guys wouldn't be crazy about them, I'm pretty sure they would be. But maybe more worthwhile questions are if you would be into said guy who is going all in, or if you're attracted to that tension and uncertainty, and if you would be able to give as much of yourself as that guy is giving it you were in a relationship with them and reality set in.

I ask this because I can see a lot of myself in what you're saying, I got incredibly hung up on a girl I met up with twice, who was very flaky and hot/cold in our communication and ended up unceremoniously walking out on the second date. Since then I've dated girls who were very open, forthcoming and seemed very interested and I just haven't had the same feelings.

I know a lot of people in the same situation would just say, "ok to hell with this person, moving on!" But something in you (and I in my experience) hangs on to it because it really bothers your fragile sense of self-worth that someone you held in high esteem would act like this. But you're not going to win him back, there's no exact "moment" you did something "wrong", and the more useful approach is to consider where you are right now with yourself and what you can do better rather than pouring over old interactions, that's the reality.

Edited May 21, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You need to learn to ask questions.  I don't think it would have mattered even if you did.  His statement is just a nice way of saying "I'm not into you in a romantic way".  Saying more might hurt your feelings and nice guys don't like hurting girls.  You just need to have the self-esteem to realize when a guy is not into you and move on.  You are the one driving yourself crazy while he's living his best life.

 

Yeah well when he sent that I just sent an acceptance text and that I understood. And then we didn’t speak for 3 months and I wish I asked him why he didn’t feel romantic or why he didn’t think we were a good fit. Maybe asking could have changed the outcome? Now I feel like it’s too late to ask

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Absolutely. For some men (like myself), it's really rare to meet someone you're crazy about. Other guys fall in love every five minutes. Sometimes you can like someone and enjoy spending time with them but in the end your heart's not in it.

I think the fair thing in this case is to either try casual if both people are up for it, or end it. I agree it wasn't exactly great making allusions to a relationship if he didn't really want one, but this may have been him testing the waters for himself to see if it would spark something.

It sucks, but it is what it is, and it's not rare. It doesn't mean you suck or that you are unworthy or that plenty of guys wouldn't be crazy about them, I'm pretty sure they would be. But maybe more worthwhile questions are if you would be into said guy who is going all in, or if you're attracted to that tension and uncertainty, and if you would be able to give as much of yourself as that guy is giving.

I ask this because I can see a lot of myself in what you're saying, I got incredibly hung up on a girl I met up with twice, was very flaky and hot/cold in our communication and ended up unceremoniously walking out on the second date. Since then I've dated girls who were very open, forthcoming and seemed very interested and I just haven't had the same feelings.

I know a lot of people in the same situation would just say, "ok to hell with this person, moving on!" But something in you (and I in my experience) hangs on to it because it really bothers your fragile sense of self-worth that someone you held in high esteem would act like this. But you're not going to win him back, there's no exact "moment" you did something "wrong", and the more useful approach is to consider where you are right now with yourself and what you can do better rather than pouring over old interactions, that's the reality.

Thanks for understanding. Yeah and it’s the memories on the dates, like they were special times and then people telling me it meant nothing upsets me because it meant something to me. 
 

he told me when he dumped me over text that he didn’t see we were the right fit and what we look for in a relationship is different to where we are at now… and I just accepted it and I am kicking myself for not asking ‘why? Why doesn’t he see us a match and what does he mean by that.’ And now it’s too late and I keep wondering about it and maybe if I asked those questions might have changed the outcome.

 

lastly, why would a guy, a) kiss your forehead b) worship your body and tell you he’s so glad he’s met you c) constantly tell you he loves spending time with you on dates…. If he doesn’t have feelings 

 

a few years ago I dated a guy and I was upset like this but then I found out he actually was gay, he came out shortly after. That did make me realise it really wasn’t a me issue, but then this guy probably isn’t gay so it feels different and more personal 

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Thanks for understanding. Yeah and it’s the memories on the dates, like they were special times and then people telling me it meant nothing upsets me because it meant something to me. 
 

he told me when he dumped me over text that he didn’t see we were the right fit and what we look for in a relationship is different to where we are at now… and I just accepted it and I am kicking myself for not asking ‘why? Why doesn’t he see us a match and what does he mean by that.’ And now it’s too late and I keep wondering about it and maybe if I asked those questions might have changed the outcome.

 

lastly, why would a guy, a) kiss your forehead b) worship your body and tell you he’s so glad he’s met you c) constantly tell you he loves spending time with you on dates…. If he doesn’t have feelings 

 

a few years ago I dated a guy and I was upset like this but then I found out he actually was gay, he came out shortly after. That did make me realise it really wasn’t a me issue, but then this guy probably isn’t gay so it feels different and more personal 

Yeah and that's normal after a breakup, even one of a casual relationship when you were really infatuated with the person.

People can do this for a number of reasons, including but not limited to:

1. Attention seeking

2. Trying to "spark" feelings when they're lacking

3. Seeing other people and feeling guilty so using romance to cover this up.

4. Culture (Italians for example are famous romancers even when it's an affair or casual dating)

5. Just feeling like being romantic in the moment because he liked how you respond to it.

And the list is really endless. The girl I was seeing sometimes acted like she just wanted sex, sometimes a relationship talking about dancing at her graduation and going on trips together, sometimes like she didn't want anything and wasn't interested. But exactly why? Who knows!

And that confusion messes with your head, I know. But the end result at the end of the day is that he wasn't interested in pursuing anything with you, so no matter how much you over-analyse it that's going to be the end result. You're not going to be able to read his mind.

At the end of the day you need someone who's all the way interested, and he wasn't it.

Edited May 21, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

Yeah and that's normal after a breakup, even one of a casual relationship when you were really infatuated with the person.

People can do this for a number of reasons, including but not limited to:

1. Attention seeking

2. Trying to "spark" feelings when they're lacking

3. Seeing other people and feeling guilty so using romance to cover this up.

4. Culture (Italians for example are famous romancers even when it's an affair or casual dating)

5. Just feeling like being romantic in the moment because he liked how you respond to it.

And the list is really endless. The girl I was seeing sometimes acted like she just wanted sex, sometimes a relationship talking about dancing at her graduation and going on trips together, sometimes like she didn't want anything and wasn't interested. But exactly why? Who knows!

And that confusion messes with your head, I know. But the end result at the end of the day is that he wasn't interested in pursuing anything with you, so no matter how much you over-analyse it that's going to be the end result. You're not going to be able to read his mind.

Yeah I used to get all gushy in the moment, I would blush a lot and get really close to him. 
 

he said what we’re looking in a potential relationship is different to where we are at now 

 

What is really playing on my mind right now is that I just don’t understand what this sentence means at all

[FredEire]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I used to get all gushy in the moment, I would blush a lot and get really close to him. 
 

he said what we’re looking in a potential relationship is different to where we are at now 

 

What is really playing on my mind right now is that I just don’t understand what this sentence means at all

It really doesn't matter, actions speak louder than words. And his action was that he broke it off and doesn't want to pursue anything further. Even if he was doing backflips saying you were the love of his life at one point it wouldn't change this.

It hurts but that's the reality of dating sometimes.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It really doesn't matter, actions speak louder than words. And his action was that he broke it off and doesn't want to pursue anything further. Even if he was doing backflips saying you were the love of his life at one point it wouldn't change this.

It hurts but that's the reality of dating sometimes.

I just feel stupid for ever having hope and I don’t think I can trust men now. Especially things they say

 

even a week before me and my ex broke up, he took me out for breakfast, sat opposite me at the table and said ‘wow, you are so beautiful and I am so lucky.’ The next week he told me he didn’t love me

 

it all feels so personal to me and now I am so guarded in relationships. Even with this last guy I felt guarded with my feelings and emotions until i was certain he liked me and that never came. It didn’t help he only wanted to see me every 3 weeks 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just feel stupid for ever having hope and I don’t think I can trust men now. Especially things they say

 

even a week before me and my ex broke up, he took me out for breakfast, sat opposite me at the table and said ‘wow, you are so beautiful and I am so lucky.’ The next week he told me he didn’t love me

 

it all feels so personal to me and now I am so guarded in relationships. Even with this last guy I felt guarded with my feelings and emotions until i was certain he liked me and that never came. It didn’t help he only wanted to see me every 3 weeks 

You shouldn't take it personally, it's not just you.

You have to take things with a pinch of salt, even in a committed relationship when someone seems all in they can really be out. I was dating a girl who told me she'd had a seemingly perfect relationship with her ex, then one day he upped took their dog and told her he was moving in with another woman.

Even this kind of thing is common, and when you put your heart on the line and open yourself to love you're taking the risk it will get broken.

But in your case the guy was blowing hot and cold, the signs were there. People give lip service all the time, until there's something more tangible than sex and hanging out that's all it is, lip service, and you can't take it for more than what it is.

Edited May 21, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You shouldn't take it personally, it's not just you.

You have to take things with a pinch of salt, even in a committed relationship when someone seems all in they can really be out. I was dating a girl who told me she'd had a seemingly perfect relationship with her ex, then one day he upped took their dog and told her he was moving in with another woman.

Even this kind of thing is common, and when you put your heart on the line and open yourself to love you're taking the risk it will get broken.

But in your case the guy was blowing hot and cold, the signs were there. People give lip service all the time, until there's something more tangible than sex and hanging out that's all it is, lip service, and you can't take it for more than what it is.

Yeah the signs were all there. I kinda assumed we just were taking things slow in a healthy way. 
 

I wish I didn’t feel something was wrong with me that a guy find me atttactive but wants nothing more. 
 

as for him coming back to be friends, asking to hand out, him subtly touching me a lot (seemed subconcious), liking all my pics but still resuming to message me all the time some days but sometimes take weeks or days to reply. Like coming and going. I guess that’s normal in a friendship but I don’t know whether he genuinely is a friend or it’s his way to keep me around 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah the signs were all there. I kinda assumed we just were taking things slow in a healthy way. 
 

I wish I didn’t feel something was wrong with me that a guy find me atttactive but wants nothing more. 
 

as for him coming back to be friends, asking to hand out, him subtly touching me a lot (seemed subconcious), liking all my pics but still resuming to message me all the time some days but sometimes take weeks or days to reply. Like coming and going. I guess that’s normal in a friendship but I don’t know whether he genuinely is a friend or it’s his way to keep me around 

There's plenty of girls I've met who were into me, I found them attractive but I just didn't want anything more. I can't explain why and it wasn't anything "wrong" with them. If anything I'm more attracted to girls there is something more obviously "wrong" with them lol. It's frustrating.

I'd say he's keeping you around because he likes the attention, or just couldn't face cutting you off completely. I would stop talking to him though and just block or put his social media on silent if you don't want to block him. Give yourself the closure and peace of mind, it's not worth having a friend you are still emotionally entangled with.