do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

There's plenty of girls I've met who were into me, I found them attractive but I just didn't want anything more. I can't explain why and it wasn't anything "wrong" with them. If anything I'm more attracted to girls there is something more obviously "wrong" with them lol. It's frustrating.

I'd say he's keeping you around because he likes the attention, or just couldn't face cutting you off completely. I would stop talking to him though and just block or put his social media on silent if you don't want to block him. Give yourself the closure and peace of mind, it's not worth having a friend you are still emotionally entangled with.

Awh that is frustrating! 
 

Also all my friends and family were all like ‘finally it’s about time!’ Like I’m kmown for being this perpetually single one. They joked ‘don’t mess it up!’ And I didn’t want to. I was communicative with him whilst having my own life etc 

 

I don’t want to block him yet. But one more thing, given he was going some stress with his job and getting fired when we were dating, he was dating me during a difficult time. Do men ever change their mind about girls they rejected? Like he could come to realise he liked me or something hence him keeping in touch? 
 

h r messaged me last week and I responded and asked him how he’s doing and then he never even opened that message 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I’m just being a bit self critical that I did do something wrong. But I look back and I was honest and authentic. I did feel frustrated about how unemotional he was over text message, meaning it was hard for me to be my true self as I couldn’t be affectionate in messages. Well I tried but it was never reciprocated

He was soooo closed off he was almost robotic. 
 

 

Why do you think he was like that?   BECAUSE HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU.  Sheesh.  How many times do you want to be told this?   

Also it's not appropriate to be affectionate with people - virtual strangers -  who are not receptive to your affection.   That's not being your "true self," that is crossing boundaries and disrespecting the other person.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why do you think he was like that?   BECAUSE HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU.  Sheesh.  How many times do you want to be told this?   

Also it's not appropriate to be affectionate with people - virtual strangers -  who are not receptive to your affection.   That's not being your "true self," that is crossing boundaries and disrespecting the other person.

Yes and I wasn’t affectionate for that reason.I know not to cross Boundaries as I am a self aware person. Maybe a bit too much as I am always nervous to do things out of being ‘too much.’

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 Hence this new guy ending things and not telling me why is driving me mad 

He told you why.  He did not feel romantically towards you.  That's a very valid reason not to keep dating somebody.    

 

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He told you why.  He did not feel romantically towards you.  That's a very valid reason not to keep dating somebody.    

 

Ok update: he just message me 30 mins ago and has asked to see me for the weekend and that he would like to talk about something with me. He lives 3 hours away too. 

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok update: he just message me 30 mins ago and has asked to see me for the weekend and that he would like to talk about something with me. He lives 3 hours away too. 

Good.  Go talk to him, tell him what you wrote here and ask him all the questions you've asked us.  He will have the answers you need.  Good luck!

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I agree, on the emotional intelligence part. He always was kinda vague in conversations, if he asked questions it was always things like ‘if you had to live in any historic era, what would it be?’ And I liked these questions but I wanted to talk deeper things. He always seemed a little robotic in his interactions, especially over text. 

he was very much into myers briggs as well. Described himself as an intj. He said that meant he didn’t feel that much empathy but he tries he said. He also talked about himself being harsh and after he got fired from his job, he used to rant about how he had difficulty respecting those he worked with as they ‘didn’t know what they were doing.’ A little bit of a random rant when we woke up one morning after a date. He got fired from his job as he essentially told them ‘you don’t know how to run a business!’ And they paid him out on the spot to leave. 
 

oh and not to mention I invited him to a party at the end of the sixth date. ‘My friend is having a New Year’s party, she says I can bring someone a long and I wanted to ask you. No pressure thought I’d ask.’ And he said ‘maybe.’ I said ‘just let me know in the next few days or so as I need to make arrangements and know where I’m gonna be etc.’ he said ‘sounds like you can’t handle uncertainty.’

He never used to hold the door for me and always used to walk ahead of me in public. Both things i commented on as I didn’t like them.
 

so yes maybe he didn’t have the emotional intelligence and I wonder if future partners may be treated in this way

 

Sorry to be harsh with my earlier reply and it's not to dog men but you're idealizing this man way too much in your mind because if you idealize and romanticize people you're giving yourself an excuse to say that he's really a good guy and that he's much better than he actually is. It's not healthy to brush off red flags and make excuses for someone's behavior.

No, he's not a nice guy -- he kicked up a good couple of conversations on a first few dates which has nothing to do with developing deep and interpersonal rapport. He made no effort to impress you on your dates or in between dates either. He lacks the social skills to flirt in real time rather than just making random conversation and thinks that asking some deep question is going to fill the silence and help him get laid.

Nothing is wrong with your personality by the way. He lacks the confidence or maybe he's compensating for something -- but he's not all that smooth of a talker.

He kicked you out after being intimate each time and didn't make any genuine moves to make you feel like you were wanted by him.

He's not spiteful or bullying but he is incredibly self-centered and doesn't care about what you think your needs are. Tell it like it is he doesn't meet your platonic and psychological needs.

Look at how he treats his staff, as a boss, and how he treats his employee's as that speaks volumes.

Take the loss, realize that this guy is not worth your time or emotional energy. Stop idealizing him and making excuses for his behavior. Yes, you really need to work on your emotional intelligence and self-esteem so this next time you pick an emotionally aware and responsible man.

He wanted a casual fling but he didn't have the communication skills to tell you that he wanted to take it slow or that he didn't want to commit to you. He just disappeared from the dating pool and didn't make any effort to stay in touch with you so that you can arrange a real date.

 

 

Edited May 21, 2024 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

45 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok update: he just message me 30 mins ago and has asked to see me for the weekend and that he would like to talk about something with me. He lives 3 hours away too. 

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Awh that is frustrating! 
 

Also all my friends and family were all like ‘finally it’s about time!’ Like I’m kmown for being this perpetually single one. They joked ‘don’t mess it up!’ And I didn’t want to. I was communicative with him whilst having my own life etc 

 

I don’t want to block him yet. But one more thing, given he was going some stress with his job and getting fired when we were dating, he was dating me during a difficult time. Do men ever change their mind about girls they rejected? Like he could come to realise he liked me or something hence him keeping in touch? 
 

h r messaged me last week and I responded and asked him how he’s doing and then he never even opened that message 

To be honest they can have their opinions, it matters not and your job isn't to please your friends and family. "Don't mess it up" seems like a pretty churlish comment for something that's quite frankly none of their business.

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok update: he just message me 30 mins ago and has asked to see me for the weekend and that he would like to talk about something with me. He lives 3 hours away too. 

So the nights that you would go over, have sex, I assume you drove to his?

[FredEire]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Ok update: he just message me 30 mins ago and has asked to see me for the weekend and that he would like to talk about something with me. He lives 3 hours away too. 

So there's two possible outcomes, which is that you travel 3 hours out to meet him and are left disappointed that he has a friendly chat with you and tells you he's just bought a new bike (or some other news you would tell a friend), or you travel 3 hours to meet him you hook up again and are left even more confused. Either one doesn't seem like a very good outcome.

To answer your question in the other post in my experience not really, maybe feelings can grow over time but only if they were present and strong to begin with. If I thought I was starting to go crazy for a girl I'd never ever put her "in the friendzone".

Sometimes people who start out as friends can develop romantic feelings for eachother, but people who are intimate and then settle for friendship hardly ever go back to intimacy in a good way.

Edited May 21, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

So the nights that you would go over, have sex, I assume you drove to his?

No he’s only moved in the last month, for work. But he used to live an hour away. We would alternate who would visit who. We only had sex a couple times it was usually just daytime dates 

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So there's two possible outcomes, which is that you travel 3 hours out to meet him and are left disappointed that he has a friendly chat with you and tells you he's just bought a new bike (or some other news you would tell a friend), or you travel 3 hours to meet him you hook up again and are left even more confused. Either one doesn't seem like a very good outcome.

To answer your question in the other post in my experience not really, maybe feelings can grow over time but only if they were present and strong to begin with. If I thought I was starting to go crazy for a girl I'd never ever put her "in the friendzone".

Sometimes people who start out as friends can develop romantic feelings for eachother, but people who are intimate and then settle for friendship hardly ever go back to intimacy in a good way.

I keep also analysing myself, I didn’t feel crazy fireworks and spark. I hope it doesn’t mean I’m incapable of romantic feelings.But maybe it’s because he kinda disappeared after dates I had to kinda put my focus on other things as to not think about him too much. I felt crazy excited after the first 3 dates and butterflies and then his communication was off and I felt myself feeling less excited , that sound normal?

 

 

[PeachPalm1]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

Sorry to be harsh with my earlier reply and it's not to dog men but you're idealizing this man way too much in your mind because if you idealize and romanticize people you're giving yourself an excuse to say that he's really a good guy and that he's much better than he actually is. It's not healthy to brush off red flags and make excuses for someone's behavior.

No, he's not a nice guy -- he kicked up a good couple of conversations on a first few dates which has nothing to do with developing deep and interpersonal rapport. He made no effort to impress you on your dates or in between dates either. He lacks the social skills to flirt in real time rather than just making random conversation and thinks that asking some deep question is going to fill the silence and help him get laid.

Nothing is wrong with your personality by the way. He lacks the confidence or maybe he's compensating for something -- but he's not all that smooth of a talker.

He kicked you out after being intimate each time and didn't make any genuine moves to make you feel like you were wanted by him.

He's not spiteful or bullying but he is incredibly self-centered and doesn't care about what you think your needs are. Tell it like it is he doesn't meet your platonic and psychological needs.

Look at how he treats his staff, as a boss, and how he treats his employee's as that speaks volumes.

Take the loss, realize that this guy is not worth your time or emotional energy. Stop idealizing him and making excuses for his behavior. Yes, you really need to work on your emotional intelligence and self-esteem so this next time you pick an emotionally aware and responsible man.

He wanted a casual fling but he didn't have the communication skills to tell you that he wanted to take it slow or that he didn't want to commit to you. He just disappeared from the dating pool and didn't make any effort to stay in touch with you so that you can arrange a real date.

 

 

Thanks for the real talk, I’m gonna move on now you give good insight.

 

one last question, on the first 3 dates I felt a romantic spark, but the last 3 dates I felt pretty numb and not excited. I keep worrying I am incapable of Romantic feelings, or could it just have been my gut feeling telling me something was off? Like I remember on the last date when he kissed me, me being all inside my head and worrying ‘why don’t I feel anything today?’ Why don’t I swoon when I look at him. Maybe that was all normal and my gut feeling taking over 

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

I think there’s nothing wrong with self-reflection but just don’t overthink it and be too hard on yourself 

So I’m not broken that I also lost that spark. After the fourth date, I felt kinda numb and empty after seeing him. I feel like it maybe was a gut feeling 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No he’s only moved in the last month, for work. But he used to live an hour away. We would alternate who would visit who. We only had sex a couple times it was usually just daytime dates 

So he disappeared for a week. Now he has something urgent to tell you?

Sorry, you're little too willing to accept "it's me, not it's him" (even your topic is phrased in such a way). From what you wrote, you were not having a great time apparently. You have anxiety issues already and he added to them.

If you met someone while he was ignoring you, would you tell him "sorry I can't see you anymore." 

He would probably go "good" and mount someone in some bushes next to the first red light. 

It's a high probability that he is seeing someone else. 

Which is fine, he doesn't owe you anything (and vice versa of course). 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Thanks for the real talk, I’m gonna move on now you give good insight.

 

one last question, on the first 3 dates I felt a romantic spark, but the last 3 dates I felt pretty numb and not excited. I keep worrying I am incapable of Romantic feelings, or could it just have been my gut feeling telling me something was off? Like I remember on the last date when he kissed me, me being all inside my head and worrying ‘why don’t I feel anything today?’ Why don’t I swoon when I look at him. Maybe that was all normal and my gut feeling taking over 

Cool!

Well, do you think that maybe a piece of it could be because he's not that into you yet you are trying so hard and bending over backwards for what you hope will be a fabulous romantic connection?

[PeachPalm1]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Cool!

Well, do you think that maybe a piece of it could be because he's not that into you yet you are trying so hard and bending over backwards for what you hope will be a fabulous romantic connection?

I suppose so. It’s just I think back to that amazing third date where I met his friends too. I felt so happy and excited of what was to come. Then he went all distant after it.

and I think it’s the memories of that third date that make me hold on to what could have been. Struggle to make sense of how a great date meant nothing. 
 

in fact, the sex wasn’t even that good, he struggled a lot with nerves which I was understanding of, but even a few times in, I still didn’t feel much pleasure and I had to fake it. Whilst I didn’t have to do that with my ex. Maybe he could pick up I wasn’t that satisfied 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I suppose so. It’s just I think back to that amazing third date where I met his friends too. I felt so happy and excited of what was to come. Then he went all distant after it.

and I think it’s the memories of that third date that make me hold on to what could have been. Struggle to make sense of how a great date meant nothing. 
 

in fact, the sex wasn’t even that good, he struggled a lot with nerves which I was understanding of, but even a few times in, I still didn’t feel much pleasure and I had to fake it. Whilst I didn’t have to do that with my ex. Maybe he could pick up I wasn’t that satisfied 

Well, sure, sex is sensual and recreational (in a loving way) where you complement each other's sensitive spots and needs in a way that you feel caring for your own physical and mental health and excited about being alive. 

If he felt that you were not 'satisfied,' given that he said you didn't get into it and didn't push back to risk social embarrassment or get you coming and going with supporting innuendo ... well, sure, then that guy is not going to feel emotionally satisfied nor emotionally connected.

You've got some subconscious fear and trust issues manifesting themselves through the guy who was supposed to be connecting with you and making you feel good. Again, I am not sure if this is a 'you' thing where it's like that with most men you're with, or if you knew in your gut that this particular guy wasn't that great for you, or if the combination of the two dynamics made you shoot-the-blank with him.

[FredEire]

29 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Thanks for the real talk, I’m gonna move on now you give good insight.

 

one last question, on the first 3 dates I felt a romantic spark, but the last 3 dates I felt pretty numb and not excited. I keep worrying I am incapable of Romantic feelings, or could it just have been my gut feeling telling me something was off? Like I remember on the last date when he kissed me, me being all inside my head and worrying ‘why don’t I feel anything today?’ Why don’t I swoon when I look at him. Maybe that was all normal and my gut feeling taking over 

Yes very normal, healthy even. Ideally we shouldn't be obsessing over people who show no interest in us.

But then why all the pining for him if the spark left? Do you think this may just be bruised ego at this point, making you obsess about how he could dare to put you in the friend zone and not chase after you, rather than actually wanting him back?

Edited May 21, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

Ooh sorry I don’t understand any of this.

I was the one who was more sexual, who was initiating, who wanted to explore and try new things. He’s the one who couldn’t keep it ‘up’ and we had to kinda take it slow and give up for the first time as he said he was thinking too much. I was kind and patient about this plus I really wanted to pleasure him. But he spoke of how he didn’t want to do certain things yet (like oral) as he was still getting comfortable with me. And I was understanding of this 

 

I started to enjoy the sex, only the very last date I didn’t feel much. I didn’t fake it per se but I wasn’t wildly moaning. Although I felt I was more confident in the bedroom than him

 

the last morning, I had a headache come on so bad I was nauseous and he initiated sex but I had to say no as I didn’t feel too good, but I wanted to cuddle instead.

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, sure, sex is sensual and recreational (in a loving way) where you complement each other's sensitive spots and needs in a way that you feel caring for your own physical and mental health and excited about being alive. 

If he felt that you were not 'satisfied,' given that he said you didn't get into it and didn't push back to risk social embarrassment or get you coming and going with supporting innuendo ... well, sure, then that guy is not going to feel emotionally satisfied nor emotionally connected.

You've got some subconscious fear and trust issues manifesting themselves through the guy who was supposed to be connecting with you and making you feel good. Again, I am not sure if this is a 'you' thing where it's like that with most men you're with, or if you knew in your gut that this particular guy wasn't that great for you, or if the combination of the two dynamics made you shoot-the-blank with him.

 

9 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Maybe, he did pick up on that and caused him to feel nervous.

I don’t know it was only the last date when I wasn’t really in the mood it didn’t feel good. The times before I was initiating it and I did enjoy it, just wasn’t mind blowing. He was self conscious about his size 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes very normal, healthy even. Ideally we shouldn't be obsessing over people who show no interest in us.

But then why all the pining for him if the spark left? Do you think this may just be bruised ego at this point, making you obsess about how he could dare to put you in the friend zone and not chase after you, rather than actually wanting him back?

Yes. Classic case of wanting what we can't have.  

You may even come up with new reasons to like and be obsessed with him once he starts showing disinterest towards you. It's like a challenge, a game to your ego. But in reality, it's not genuine attraction or interest anymore.

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I might be way off but you just seem to mesh well with him

Sorry what do you mean by mesh well with him?

[PeachPalm1]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. Classic case of wanting what we can't have.  

You may even come up with new reasons to like and be obsessed with him once he starts showing disinterest towards you. It's like a challenge, a game to your ego. But in reality, it's not genuine attraction or interest anymore.

When I start dating again, Is atttacrion something that can grow in person. Like I get dating app matches but it’s rare I’m like ‘omg wow I’m so excited he’s so hot.’ It’s more ‘he looks nice, I guess I’ll meet him.’ But it’s not ever like the intense swoons feelings I felt for the last guy

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

When I start dating again, Is atttacrion something that can grow in person. Like I get dating app matches but it’s rare I’m like ‘omg wow I’m so excited he’s so hot.’ It’s more ‘he looks nice, I guess I’ll meet him.’ But it’s not ever like the intense swoons feelings I felt for the last guy

Oh man, you're speaking my LANGUAGE.

We're on the same page, don't you worry.  

I just went through a breakup earlier this year and I know exactly what you mean.  

The initial attraction can definitely grow in person. BUT, I do tend to believe that there needs to be at least SOME level of attraction there, initially. Otherwise, it just feels like a friendship and not a romantic dating situation. Don't you agree?  

The problem is that sometimes without the initial intense "OMG swoons feelings," it's hard to get excited about meeting someone new.  

Here's the thing though, those intense initial feelings are sometimes just a product of infatuation and not always a sign of a strong connection. Plus, attraction isn't just about physical appearance, it's about personality and chemistry too. Intellect. Shared interests. Compatibility.