do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That feeling is exactly what drives someone to hang onto hope. That fear of never finding that connection again. It’s not just him you're afraid to lose, but the idea of what he represents - the possibility that somewhere out there, there is someone who could spark that same giddy feeling in you.

And it can feel deflating when it doesn't work out with someone who had potential. But the fact that you were able to feel that connection with this guy shows that it's possible, and there is definitely someone out there for you who will give you that same feeling. Don't give up hope, keep putting yourself out there and eventually you will find that special someone.

Yeah I keep worrying now I turn asexual. And all these men I’m not actually interested in, I hope he didn’t feel that way for me. And I was just some kinda ego boost for him. 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I keep worrying now I turn asexual. And all these men I’m not actually interested in, I hope he didn’t feel that way for me. And I was just some kinda ego boost for him. 

And what if you are? Would that be the worst thing in the world? Sexuality is fluid and can change over time.

[PeachPalm1]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

And what if you are? Would that be the worst thing in the world? Sexuality is fluid and can change over time.

Yes because I crave sexual feelings so badly. I like pine after fancying someone. Hence when I fancied this guy, it just was the best feeling ever. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, let me ask you something: 
What have you learned between your last thread and this one? What insight have you gained between then and now? Because it seems to me just to be a repeat of the other thread and a lot of circular thinking on your part. 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh man, you're speaking my LANGUAGE.

We're on the same page, don't you worry.  

I just went through a breakup earlier this year and I know exactly what you mean.  

The initial attraction can definitely grow in person. BUT, I do tend to believe that there needs to be at least SOME level of attraction there, initially. Otherwise, it just feels like a friendship and not a romantic dating situation. Don't you agree?  

The problem is that sometimes without the initial intense "OMG swoons feelings," it's hard to get excited about meeting someone new.  

Here's the thing though, those intense initial feelings are sometimes just a product of infatuation and not always a sign of a strong connection. Plus, attraction isn't just about physical appearance, it's about personality and chemistry too. Intellect. Shared interests. Compatibility.

Yes, if dating were easy nobody would be on here.

It's about getting both of those ideally, but for a lot of us we get butterflies for the wrong people and not that much interest in people who on paper would be good for us.

I keep being told it happens when you completely stop thinking about it. One thing I need to work on is I think about it too much, it might be something else to consider.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah so I guess that’s why I am stuck on this guy. 2 years swiping on apps and not really feeling anything to photos, feeling worried I no longer was capable of attraction. Was giving up entirely 

then suddenly I match with this guy. For the first time in my life I am swooning at a photo, I am giddy from his responses. He’s funny, he’s nerdy, he’s intellectual, he talks about science. I feel like he is just like me! He says the same thing.  Like I am so excited. I get butterflies before the first date. Everyone else I just feel neutral for 

so I guess it’s the fear that this guy was my last chance. And because that feeling is so rare, I wanted it to work so bad with this guy 

You're 27, it's very unlikely to be your last chance when there's people out there in their 40s, 50s, 60s and even 70s and 80s still trying to figure it out.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I keep worrying now I turn asexual. And all these men I’m not actually interested in, I hope he didn’t feel that way for me. And I was just some kinda ego boost for him. 

Haha. But what you're describing is pretty normal. Butterflies for the wrong guy and not much for everyone else. And I think a lot of people on here would describe a similar experience. I'm definitely not asexual and I can relate a lot, I think it's unlikely.

Some people I know get that feeling for every second person they meet, sometimes I'm a little jealous of them. But then they often come off quite needy and desperate. There's a flip side to everything, and then again we're all different but there are some quite common shared experiences in the world of romance.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Yes, if dating were easy nobody would be on here.

It's about getting both of those ideally, but for a lot of us we get butterflies for the wrong people and not that much interest in people who on paper would be good for us.

I keep being told it happens when you completely stop thinking about it. One thing I need to work on is I think about it too much, it might be something else to consider.

For sure. I have found myself in a few pickles over my lifetime.

On the last part --- yes, I recall I wasn't dating and I happened to meet someone randomly (not on dating apps) and initially I was on the fence but oh boy, did that hit me out of noogahahere like a energy blast.

But, I also have a family member that was looking and found what he was looking for, albeit, how they linked up on the dating app was pure coincidence. He actually lived on the East Coast, she on the West Coast, and the dating app matched them because they shared a fondness of skiing. I think it was a fluke thing the dating app matched them but they're happily married with children now!

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

For sure. I have found myself in a few pickles over my lifetime.

On the last part --- yes, I recall I wasn't dating and I happened to meet someone randomly (not on dating apps) and initially I was on the fence but oh boy, did that hit me out of noogahahere like a energy blast.

But, I also have a family member that was looking and found what he was looking for, albeit, how they linked up on the dating app was pure coincidence. He actually lived on the East Coast, she on the West Coast, and the dating app matched them because they shared a fondness of skiing. I think it was a fluke thing the dating app matched them but they're happily married with children now!

Yep, lots of people get it right. Of course there are lots of arranged marriages, unhappy marriages and marriages of convenience out there, but it's definitely not impossible and there are many people in happy relationships.

You have to realise that everything you're saying here is pretty common, I've gone through it as have many many others. And at 27 on the scale of things you're still a very young woman. Keep the faith!

But don't waste any more time chasing this guy. You may not be able to forget him for a while but don't make it worse by staying around orbiting him in the friendzone, have a higher standard.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

so I guess it’s the fear that this guy was my last chance.

Now, you’ve identified one of your principal enemies. Fear. Not fear of losing a specific person, but fear of a clock that decreases our chance to find someone and be happy each time it ticks. 

That fear is completely irrational. You never know what awaits you on your life path. Your prince might be just waiting for you around the corner. Or, you’ll still need to go through disappointments and heartbreak before you find that prince. We don’t know. We can’t control other people, we can only work on producing the best version of ourselves and putting it out “on the market”.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

You're 27, it's very unlikely to be your last chance when there's people out there in their 40s, 50s, 60s and even 70s and 80s still trying to figure it out.

Yeah, I keep forgetting that the OP is only 27. Twnety-seven! She basically just became a grown-up person. It should be a federal crime to think that someone at that age just had a “last chance”.

Edited May 22 by Gebidozo

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

You're 27

or possibly 28 or 25.   Maybe 29.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

or possibly 28 or 25.   Maybe 29.

Even if op is really 47 the same things still apply. These are lessons its better to learn in your 20s and 30s though.

[PeachPalm1]

35 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Even if op is really 47 the same things still apply. These are lessons its better to learn in your 20s and 30s though.

Can I just ask one more thing?

on the first date, he cut it short as he was double booked. When I had travelled a long way and although me and him genuinely had great convo, he would be distant after the dates

i get it. He wasn’t interested. 
 

but why continue to accept and arrange dates for 3 months, be physical like holding my hand and kissing me when he didn’t like me in that way. Can a guy find you pretty but just not feel a spark for no apparent reason?

 

wish it didn’t feel so personal

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Can I just ask one more thing?

on the first date, he cut it short as he was double booked. When I had travelled a long way and although me and him genuinely had great convo, he would be distant after the dates

i get it. He wasn’t interested. 
 

but why continue to accept and arrange dates for 3 months, be physical like holding my hand and kissing me when he didn’t like me in that way. Can a guy find you pretty but just not feel a spark for no apparent reason?

 

wish it didn’t feel so personal

I think that's pretty rude and inconsiderate after you travelled a long way, another sign he doesn't hold you in high regard.

He likes sex, he likes the attention, he likes the ego boost of having a pretty girl beside him. But he doesn't value YOU and see a long term future with you, for whatever reason.

As I said in another post I've met very pretty, nice girls who I just didn't feel the kind of feelings for I'd want to have in a long term relationship. I can't put my finger on why, that's the mystery of it. But I appreciated them and never thought there was anything "wrong" with them. I know it's a me thing.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

I think that's pretty rude and inconsiderate after you travelled a long way, another sign he doesn't hold you in high regard.

He likes sex, he likes the attention, he likes the ego boost of having a pretty girl beside him. But he doesn't value YOU and see a long term future with you, for whatever reason.

As I said in another post I've met very pretty, nice girls who I just didn't feel the kind of feelings for I'd want to have in a long term relationship. I can't put my finger on why, that's the mystery of it. But I appreciated them and never thought there was anything "wrong" with them. I know it's a me thing.

Yeah that’s true. I felt something was missing with him too but I thought it was just because he was being so distant. 
 

it’s just it’s happened with every guy I’ve ever dated, even men who like REALLY want me in the beginning. 
 

 

now I am a little concerned I am too scared to get attached to guys. When I get dating app matches I only want to speak to them once a day as I don’t want to integrate them into my life and get attached before I even know them. Is that reasonable? 

[introverted1]

43 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

it’s just it’s happened with every guy I’ve ever dated, even men who like REALLY want me in the beginning. 

Then it's time to look inward to see if there is something about you that is making men pull back after they get to know you. 

 

[PeachPalm1]

18 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Then it's time to look inward to see if there is something about you that is making men pull back after they get to know you. 

 

Oh trust me I’ve looked inward. Even asked for feedback from my ex as I was blaming myself and he said ‘I promise this is nothing you’ve done, this is about me.’ 
 
I have anxiety but I have a lot of techniques to help with that and I didn’t feel anxious on dates. I never argued, I asked interesting questions, I can’t think what I could have done other than my looks. 
 

im not a needy person either and really value my independent time. Like I don’t really like texting so I prefer to catch up in the evenings after work and things like that. 
 

I keep worrying it means I’m ugly 

Edited May 22 by PeachPalm1

[introverted1]

So perhaps you need help from a trained professional.  No one here can tell you, and exes often don't want to get into it -- "it's not you, it's me" is a classic breakup line meant to deflect further conversation. 

 

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So perhaps you need help from a trained professional.  No one here can tell you, and exes often don't want to get into it -- "it's not you, it's me" is a classic breakup line meant to deflect further conversation. 

 

Yes and I know that. And I’ve had a therapist who helped me dissect my relationships and turns out I did nothing wrong in the past except having poor boundaries. In literally talked through with my friends as well abojt past relationships.

my ex ended things when I told him I want kids in future and he said he wasn’t ready. When I simply said 4 months into the relationship in Ikea ‘awh when I have kids one day, I’d love furniture like that.’ And he freaked out. Even though he said he broke up with his ex as he wanted a baby. And then he dumped me. And none of that can be my fault?

I just didn’t expect this last guy to not get feelings. But then he stayed friends. My friends remind me that the friends thing means he still values you as a person, if I did something very wrong he wouldn’t be friends. 
 

im a very independent woman. Somewhat kinda dominant but that’s just who I am, decisive, and assertive but not excessively. The last guy said I oozed confidence and liked my bluntness and how I just seem like I know what I want. I wonder if maybe imnnot compatible with men who are less self confident and don’t know what they want. Btw I’m not desperate or act in a desperate way, I get turned off by neediness in a man so I certainly don’t act in this way.

[introverted1]

When the same thing happens repeatedly in our lives, whatever that thing is, we have to look inward because we are the common denominator. 

You keep arguing with us -- practically 10 pages of arguing at this point! -- that nothing that has happened in your dating life is the result of anything you've done.  Call me skeptical but, if true, then the issue is with your picker.  So either way, it's a "you" problem.  And until you acknowledge and fix that, the same pattern will continue to repeat.  

Good luck. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah that’s true. I felt something was missing with him too but I thought it was just because he was being so distant. 
 

it’s just it’s happened with every guy I’ve ever dated, even men who like REALLY want me in the beginning. 
 

 

now I am a little concerned I am too scared to get attached to guys. When I get dating app matches I only want to speak to them once a day as I don’t want to integrate them into my life and get attached before I even know them. Is that reasonable? 

Everyone has their own patterns. From what I understand it's not you manifesting something or choosing the wrong people but a mix of both.

We all have our own tendencies, some women for example continually end up in domestic abuse situations. It doesn't mean their partner would be abusive with everyone but rather that's how their chemistry unfortunately lines up and it's the men with the potential for that they unconsciously seek out.

My own pattern is when I really like a girl usually there's some unceremonious blow up on her end when we start to get closer. It doesn't happen often that I catch feelings but I've had some strong crushes on girls too that usually seems a little odd, aloof and a bit emotionally unstable. It doesn't mean they'd be this way with everyone but they are that way for me because I bring out certain things in them and they bring out certain things in me. Girls I meet who have none of these things I'm usually a lot less attracted to, go figure!

So you seek out these guys, but you also bring out a certain behaviour in them because of how you are. Because they have the potential for this I don't think you did something "wrong" but rather they're the wrong people and you bring out the worst in them.

I think obsessing over being ugly is a red herring, it's more about ending up in unhealthy relationship patterns which is caused by low self-esteem and unresolved issues from the past.

Edited May 22 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

When the same thing happens repeatedly in our lives, whatever that thing is, we have to look inward because we are the common denominator. 

You keep arguing with us -- practically 10 pages of arguing at this point! -- that nothing that has happened in your dating life is the result of anything you've done.  Call me skeptical but, if true, then the issue is with your picker.  So either way, it's a "you" problem.  And until you acknowledge and fix that, the same pattern will continue to repeat.  

Good luck. 

Well I’ve only dated 3 men in my life and it’s happened 3 times which is 100 percent. First one came out as gay but it still feels personal somewhat. 
 

I like very pretty long haired men. That’s my type, who are nerdy and introverted. And if they message me long paragraphs on the dating app they win me over. So that’s kinda the common denominator when it comes to dating. Long hair and nerdy and they keen to meet me. 
 

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Everyone has their own patterns. From what I understand it's not you manifesting something or choosing the wrong people but a mix of both.

We all have our own tendencies, some women for example continually end up in domestic abuse situations. It doesn't mean their partner would be abusive with everyone but rather that's how their chemistry unfortunately lines up and it's the men with the potential for that they unconsciously seek out.

My own pattern is when I really like a girl usually there's some unceremonious blow up on her end when we start to get closer. It doesn't happen often that I catch feelings but I've had some strong crushes on girls too that usually seems a little odd, aloof and a bit emotionally unstable. It doesn't mean they'd be this way with everyone but they are that way for me because I bring out certain things in them and they bring out certain things in me. Girls I meet who have none of these things I'm usually a lot less attracted to, go figure!

So you seek out these guys, but you also bring out a certain behaviour in them because of how you are. Because they have the potential for this I don't think you did something "wrong" but rather they're the wrong people and you bring out the worst in them.

I think obsessing over being ugly is a red herring, it's more about ending up in unhealthy relationship patterns which is caused by low self-esteem and unresolved issues from the past.

Is it weird I don’t really get crushes though, like maybe once every 3 years. 
 

Yeah hope it was just the case of the wrong person. 

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Is it weird I don’t really get crushes though, like maybe once every 3 years. 
 

Yeah hope it was just the case of the wrong person. 

I'm exactly the same. It's sad and frustrating but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're asexual or ugly.

It may be a self-protection thing, I've been told it often comes from dysfunction parents growing up giving you a bad model for relationships. So you end up craving and playing out things which repeat the trauma.