stillafool Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: But I feel like if I genuinely like a guy and he likes me back I won’t feel this way. But you didn't feel this way about your ex boyfriend who obviously liked you or you wouldn't have gotten in a relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: But you didn't feel this way about your ex boyfriend who obviously liked you or you wouldn't have gotten in a relationship with him. When my ex boyfriend dumped me he told me he dated me as he was lonely and never fell in love. He never took me on a date the whole time either. It hurt me so much Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 (edited) On 5/20/2024 at 10:15 AM, PeachPalm1 said: No I never said my personality is off putting, Didn't you though? On 5/19/2024 at 2:42 AM, PeachPalm1 said: I’m very blunt most of the time too, im quite an argumentative person and a little bit bossy. Seems like you pretty much did. Which would help explain at least some of the issues getting men to stick around, as not every guy is willing to deal with this sort of thing. Edited May 22 by mark clemson 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: When my ex boyfriend dumped me he told me he dated me as he was lonely and never fell in love. He never took me on a date the whole time either. It hurt me so much My point is you liked a guy who liked you back because you got in a relationship with him. So you can actually like a guy who likes you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 11 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Didn't you though? Seems like you pretty much did. Which would help explain at least some of the issues getting men to stick around, as not every guy is willing to deal with this sort of thing. I know I didn’t mean it, it was in response to someone calling me a pushover. on reflection, although I am bossy, it’s something I am proud of as it’s in an assertive way. Particularly my career requires me to be. And maybe men find that offputting but I’m very assertive in making decisions, eg where we go, what we’re doing and solving problems. The last guy said my bluntness was attractive. And in terms of argumentative, that isn’t true I don’t know why I said that. I mean in a debating intellectual way, absolutely. I love a debate about intellectual topics. But on a day to day basis, I don’t have arguments in fact I never had an argument with. The last guy or my ex, not once. I kinda just sat with my feelings and didn’t want to rock the boat which made me feel quite anxious Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said: My first boyfriend didn’t want to ‘put a label on it.’ And then I introduced him to my female friend and I caught them having sex when I turned up at his house bringing him round dinner. It was awful then he came back to apologise and because I was 18 and stupid, I accepted him back. Only he did it again I’d nevrr accept treatment like that again. That’s why I’m so alert to red flags. I see everything as a red flag don’t really trust men. I didn’t trust this last guy either but I didn’t want to be single forever and I just assumed like the slow replies and things could be normal in the early stages of dating. Especially since we don’t know each other yet and texting builds a false sense of intimacy. Ok so essentially it was the same thing, he was just more convincing. He romanced you for the sake of keeping you hooked but he didn't really care about you since he went off sleazing with your friend. The emotional intimacy was just a facade and he also kept you at a distance by not wanting to put a label on it, this justifying to himself sleeping with your "friend". It doesn't sound to me like you have been really intimate with anyone, probably because of what it would bring up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 17 minutes ago, FredEire said: Ok so essentially it was the same thing, he was just more convincing. He romanced you for the sake of keeping you hooked but he didn't really care about you since he went off sleazing with your friend. The emotional intimacy was just a facade and he also kept you at a distance by not wanting to put a label on it, this justifying to himself sleeping with your "friend". It doesn't sound to me like you have been really intimate with anyone, probably because of what it would bring up. I was intimate with my ex. First 6 months I felt he was someone I could tell all my thoughts and feelings and be myself. Only when we established incompatibility he pulled away and we no longer had that connection anymore. I miss that connection I shared with him. And I wanted to build it with this most recent guy. Like I tried to connect on that level but most dates were activity dates and like couple hours long. I used to enjoy going for a coffee afterwards where I got the chance to ask him deeper questions, what he’s looking for etc. so yeah I crave that deeper intimacy but I don’t think that’s my fault? Maybe just not the right person. He seemed very closed off. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 (edited) 7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I was intimate with my ex. First 6 months I felt he was someone I could tell all my thoughts and feelings and be myself. Only when we established incompatibility he pulled away and we no longer had that connection anymore. I miss that connection I shared with him. And I wanted to build it with this most recent guy. Like I tried to connect on that level but most dates were activity dates and like couple hours long. I used to enjoy going for a coffee afterwards where I got the chance to ask him deeper questions, what he’s looking for etc. so yeah I crave that deeper intimacy but I don’t think that’s my fault? Maybe just not the right person. He seemed very closed off. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the guy slept with your "friend" behind your back. I would never ever do with a girl I was seeing this full stop, but I certainly wouldn't do it to a girl I supposedly cared about and had a romantic connection with, even if the connection wasn't as strong as before. Whatever you thought he showed you emotionally wasn't genuine otherwise he wouldn't even think about doing such a thing. It doesn't sound like this latest guy treated you as badly but it's just unavailability in another form. Edited May 22 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I was intimate with my ex. First 6 months I felt he was someone I could tell all my thoughts and feelings and be myself. Only when we established incompatibility he pulled away and we no longer had that connection anymore. I miss that connection I shared with him. And I wanted to build it with this most recent guy. Like I tried to connect on that level but most dates were activity dates and like couple hours long. I used to enjoy going for a coffee afterwards where I got the chance to ask him deeper questions, what he’s looking for etc. so yeah I crave that deeper intimacy but I don’t think that’s my fault? Maybe just not the right person. He seemed very closed off. But yeah I honesttly tried with the last guy to be open and honest, I shared some experiences that were difficult, I opened up about grief, my fear of never having children, an experience I had with workplace bullying and it’s effect on me. He kinda just said ‘mmhmmm’ to everything but he was listening and I appreciated being able to share these things but not overbearingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Just now, FredEire said: I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the guy slept with your "friend" behind your back. I would never ever do with a girl I was seeing this full stop, but I certainly wouldn't do it to a girl I supposedly cared about and had a romantic connection with, even if the connection wasn't as strong as before. Whatever you thought he showed you emotionally wasn't genuine otherwise he wouldn't even think about doing such a thing. No this was a guy when I am 18. This wasn’t my last ex who I was emotional with. This was a guy who clearly wasn’t for me, I look back and can’t see what I saw in him. My ex ex 2 years ago is the one I was very open with. He was also very open with his emotions too which helped. But he wasn’t the guy who slept with my friend. Me and him ended things because he doesn’t want kids in future Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 14 minutes ago, FredEire said: I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the guy slept with your "friend" behind your back. I would never ever do with a girl I was seeing this full stop, but I certainly wouldn't do it to a girl I supposedly cared about and had a romantic connection with, even if the connection wasn't as strong as before. Whatever you thought he showed you emotionally wasn't genuine otherwise he wouldn't even think about doing such a thing. It doesn't sound like this latest guy treated you as badly but it's just unavailability in another form. I don’t think I explained properly. The guy when I was 18 was the one who cheated on me. Not my last ex who I was very much open with. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: Yes and I know that. And I’ve had a therapist who helped me dissect my relationships and turns out I did nothing wrong in the past except having poor boundaries. In literally talked through with my friends as well abojt past relationships. my ex ended things when I told him I want kids in future and he said he wasn’t ready. When I simply said 4 months into the relationship in Ikea ‘awh when I have kids one day, I’d love furniture like that.’ And he freaked out. Even though he said he broke up with his ex as he wanted a baby. And then he dumped me. And none of that can be my fault? I just didn’t expect this last guy to not get feelings. But then he stayed friends. My friends remind me that the friends thing means he still values you as a person, if I did something very wrong he wouldn’t be friends. im a very independent woman. Somewhat kinda dominant but that’s just who I am, decisive, and assertive but not excessively. The last guy said I oozed confidence and liked my bluntness and how I just seem like I know what I want. I wonder if maybe imnnot compatible with men who are less self confident and don’t know what they want. Btw I’m not desperate or act in a desperate way, I get turned off by neediness in a man so I certainly don’t act in this way. But earlier in the thread you said this - the guy broke up with his ex because he wanted a baby and then freaked out and broke up with you because you wanted one. The inconsistency of that makes me wonder how genuine the reaction was. I also agree with others in the thread about bluntness and having a short fuse not necessarily being a good thing. It's a great tool to have if you're very sure of yourself and know when and when not to use it, but with poor self-esteem and a shaky ego it can end up being a terrible combination as it can express itself as lashing out and overreacting inappropriately even when you're sure you're in the right, which is just going to push people away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 7 minutes ago, FredEire said: But earlier in the thread you said this - the guy broke up with his ex because he wanted a baby and then freaked out and broke up with you because you wanted one. The inconsistency of that makes me wonder how genuine the reaction was. I also agree with others in the thread about bluntness and having a short fuse not necessarily being a good thing. It's a great tool to have if you're very sure of yourself and know when and when not to use it, but with poor self-esteem and a shaky ego it can end up being a terrible combination as it can express itself as lashing out and overreacting inappropriately even when you're sure you're in the right, which is just going to push people away. I promise I’ve never ever lashed out at someone, I have a lot of self respect and control in that respect. Last guy told me I was too nice. Yes that’s right that’s the second ex 2 years ago, we ended things as he didn’t want kids. He has changed his mind but I assumed he did as he have the story about him and his ex Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 On 5/21/2024 at 11:59 AM, PeachPalm1 said: Ok update: he just message me 30 mins ago and has asked to see me for the weekend and that he would like to talk about something with me. He lives 3 hours away too. So what's going on with this? Did you message him back and did he ask you to go out on a date this weekend? What does he want to talk to you about? Is he driving to see you this time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: So what's going on with this? Did you message him back and did he ask you to go out on a date this weekend? What does he want to talk to you about? Is he driving to see you this time? I’m out of town so I can’t see him when he’s back in town Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I’m out of town so I can’t see him when he’s back in town Did he say what he wants to talk to you about? You must have been really excited to hear from him after 11 pages on LS. Did you make plans to see him when you get back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Did he say what he wants to talk to you about? You must have been really excited to hear from him after 11 pages on LS. Did you make plans to see him when you get back? No cause I feel awful this week, like anxious now to meet him. Like all mixed up. No he didn’t Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: No cause I feel awful this week, like anxious now to meet him. Like all mixed up. No he didn’t Could it be that you're getting over him? What are you mixed up about? Did you ask him what does he want to talk to you about? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: Oh I certainly am mysterious I don’t overshare. Last month he seemed shocked he ddidnt realise I worked in a different town. He was like ‘did you ever tell me that?’ And I said ‘oh I don’t think I did.’ That's not the type of discreetness I'm talking about :) I'm talking about day one conversations. I realize this is an anonymous forum but this one single thread alone (and you're rather new) you've covered an enormous amount of personal detail. If that's any reflection with the men you've dated (this early in the game), yeah I imagine that would be a bit overwhelming in reality. Some transparency is very necessary when in a relationship, but openness is more of a luxury. It's for when both of you are truly committed to one another and you are TRULY always on the same team dealing with the same whatever it is. Don't worry about presenting yourself like a poker table, people are curious and will ask to see your cards. You don't have to clumsily show them all around like a magician shuffling the deck. I think you might have latched onto this guy because 1) you marked yourself in this manner 2) you were high on the crazy bubble mountaintop of a new romance and a few glasses of self-disclosure led you to feel closer than you actually were. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: That's not the type of discreetness I'm talking about I'm talking about day one conversations. I realize this is an anonymous forum but this one single thread alone (and you're rather new) you've covered an enormous amount of personal detail. If that's any reflection with the men you've dated (this early in the game), yeah I imagine that would be a bit overwhelming in reality. Some transparency is very necessary when in a relationship, but openness is more of a luxury. It's for when both of you are truly committed to one another and you are TRULY always on the same team dealing with the same whatever it is. Don't worry about presenting yourself like a poker table, people are curious and will ask to see your cards. You don't have to clumsily show them all around like a magician shuffling the deck. I think you might have latched onto this guy because 1) you marked yourself in this manner 2) you were high on the crazy bubble mountaintop of a new romance and a few glasses of self-disclosure led you to feel closer than you actually were. On forums it’s different because there is anonymity and no repercussion. So I feel more open when it’s anonymous. I don’t share like this in real life and I too would be overwhelmed. 2 months ago went on a date and the guy told me he went to therapy! I was like woooah isn’t that a bit much for first date 🤣 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 I don't think you should meet up with him again. It will just lead to more over-thinking and self-flagellation. You need to move on, more than anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't think you should meet up with him again. It will just lead to more over-thinking and self-flagellation. You need to move on, more than anything. Yeah I wanna move on. I just haven’t fancied anyone in years. Statistically it is so rare that someone likes me back when I like them which is really sad. all this talk on here has made me feel like a bit of a loser who messed up so maybe I shouldn’t see him as imnnot good enough Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: On forums it’s different because there is anonymity and no repercussion. So I feel more open when it’s anonymous. I don’t share like this in real life and I too would be overwhelmed. 2 months ago went on a date and the guy told me he went to therapy! I was like woooah isn’t that a bit much for first date 🤣 I've shared on this forum too (over years). But I'm pretty much the same in real life so what I share on here would generally reflect what I could say in conversation with someone I'd got past small-talk with I guess. I mean, you started this thread with "Instant connection, amazing conversation" you had with this bloke so...Just wondering if you spill out that sort of way straight off the bat and that's what he's reacting to in pushing back a bit. Maybe he lays it on too thick then...who knows Just an idea. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I just haven’t fancied anyone in years. So? That's not a good reason to hang on to someone who isn't that into you. 3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: maybe I shouldn’t see him as imnnot good enough Girl, enough with the pity party. Are you actually here for advice, or do you just want people to soothe you? It seems to be a lot more of the latter, and quite honestly, I am not going to enable that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeachPalm1 Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 1 minute ago, Alpacalia said: I've shared on this forum too (over years). But I'm pretty much the same in real life so what I share on here would generally reflect what I could say in conversation with someone I'd got past small-talk with I guess. I mean, you started this thread with "Instant connection, amazing conversation" you had with this bloke so...Just wondering if you spill out that sort of way straight off the bat and that's what he's reacting to in pushing back a bit. Maybe he lays it on too thick then...who knows Just an idea. No I don’t. He even asked me one date ‘do you find me atttactive? I really can’t tell.’ That was just my nerves. But I’m really scared to be romantic because I don’t want to be too much and I’m not soppy or anything like that. Heck I never even told him I felt a connection. He’s the one on dates that would say ‘me and you really get along don’t we.’ And id just say ‘yes I enjoy spending time with you.’ I promise I promise I am only like this on forum. My friends have told me I need to be more emotionally forthcoming which I did try in this dating situation Link to post Share on other sites
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