do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

all this talk on here has made me feel like a bit of a loser who messed up so maybe I shouldn’t see him as imnnot good enough 

I agree with Expat, why the pity party?  You yourself can't even find anything you did wrong on your dates with him so what is this loser feeling about?

[FredEire]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I wanna move on.

 

I just haven’t fancied anyone in years. Statistically it is so rare that someone likes me back when I like them which is really sad. 
 

all this talk on here has made me feel like a bit of a loser who messed up so maybe I shouldn’t see him as imnnot good enough 

I don't think you should see him, not because you're a loser but because you're hanging on to someone you still have feelings for but clearly doesn't have feelings for you. You're not going to move on as his "friend".

Also it may seem a bit harsh but it's meant as something to consider, I've also noticed that there seems to be a trend with certain posters on here (including the OP of another very long thread on here) of going through a bit of self-aggrandizing (I'm so honest, confident, dominant, etc...) coupled with self-pity (I'm such a loser/unworthy etc). In every case it seems usually to be a way to project issues onto something external rather than taking ownership of them.

Edited May 22 by FredEire

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

going through a bit of self-aggrandizing (I'm so honest, confident, dominant, etc...) coupled with self-pity (I'm such a loser/unworthy etc). In every case it seems usually to be a way to project issues onto something external rather than taking ownership of them.

Yes, with a touch of attention-seeking behaviour. 

[happyhorizons]

You should not be NERVOUS about anything relating to this situation.  I said this before and do mean it.....I think that he should consider himself fortunate that you are or were that interested in him.  

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, with a touch of attention-seeking behaviour. 

Yes, and OP I'm not saying you should admit it's your "fault", rather you should move beyond the blame game and say OK, something isn't quite right about my dating life, what can I practically do to improve it and make things better?

An obvious step 1 is cutting contact with this guy. If you're obsessing over him that's going to continue for a while so you're going to have to accept it and just let the thoughts pass. But don't add to it by continuing to see him.

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I've also noticed that there seems to be a trend with certain posters on here (including the OP of another very long thread on here) of going through a bit of self-aggrandizing (I'm so honest, confident, dominant, etc...) coupled with self-pity (I'm such a loser/unworthy etc). In every case it seems usually to be a way to project issues onto something external rather than taking ownership of them.

Hopefully it's not him in disguise...

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes, and OP I'm not saying you should admit it's your "fault", rather you should move beyond the blame game and say OK, something isn't quite right about my dating life, what can I practically do to improve it and make things better?

An obvious step 1 is cutting contact with this guy. If you're obsessing over him that's going to continue for a while so you're going to have to accept it and just let the thoughts pass. But don't add to it by continuing to see him.

Probably not living in a tiny town where there’s no single men left. I might try and move away somewhere else, although I like living here. 

[PeachPalm1]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hopefully it's not him in disguise...

Who is ‘him’?

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

You should not be NERVOUS about anything relating to this situation.  I said this before and do mean it.....I think that he should consider himself fortunate that you are or were that interested in him.  

I’m trying to be proud. I think I was classy in the way I approached dating him. I know my dating life is a bit shambles but everyone single in my town feels the same way. It’s a tiny town with tiny dating pool

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m trying to be proud. I think I was classy in the way I approached dating him. I know my dating life is a bit shambles but everyone single in my town feels the same way. It’s a tiny town with tiny dating pool

Okay then why do you feel like a loser?

[PeachPalm1]

45 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay then why do you feel like a loser?

Cause I don’t get many dating opportunities. And my friends when they meet a man it always works out. Whilst I have another failed dating stage. It’s disheartening 

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Cause I don’t get many dating opportunities. And my friends when they meet a man it always works out. Whilst I have another failed dating stage. It’s disheartening 

It will get better.  You have to kiss  a few frogs before your Prince comes along.

[happyhorizons]

36 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Cause I don’t get many dating opportunities. And my friends when they meet a man it always works out. Whilst I have another failed dating stage. It’s disheartening 

You are in NO WAY A LOSER.  You just have to keep dating and see where it takes you.  You deserve to be happy and to find someone amazing. Just do not get down on yourself in any way. Hold your head high and be proud of the lady you are.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Who is ‘him’?

Another poster/member that has a very similar long-running thread on here. 

 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just haven’t fancied anyone in years. Statistically it is so rare that someone likes me back when I like them which is really sad. 

It's not "sad".  It's mathematics

Say the average man is attracted to 15% of women.  If you find yourself attracted to a rare man, then the probability of that rare individual being attracted to you is 15%.   

What are the traits of the men you like?  How are you being proactive in finding them?

Edited May 22 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not "sad".  It's mathematics

Say the average man is attracted to 15% of women.  So if you find yourself attracted to a rare man, then the probability of that rare individual being attracted to you is 15%.   

What are the traits of the men you like?  How are you being proactive in finding them?

I am on all the dating apps. My profile says I am seeking a long term relationship. I send likes out to men of my type but a match is rare (think something is going on with the dating scene where i live because this never used to be the case). 
 

the traits I like are intelligence, that’s the most important one for me. So usually go after sciencey people and I can tell in their profiel and messages if they stimulate me intellectually. I like long haired men, always have but I will date men with any hairstyle given I like their personality. Like quite mature and kind men. I only really manage to meet people through dating apps 

 

I go travelling every 6 weeks and meet new friends from round the world. But back to my town it is really hard. I go to the gym, I do volunteering, I play tennis, but I don’t meet men in the process 

 

I consider myself quite intelligent too, communicative, I’m not a party girl or a big drinker, I work out so like someone who takes care of themselves too (that’s a big one for me). But also I have quite a major life changing health condition so need someone who is understanding of that. The last guy was very understanding of it and that was lovely 

Edited May 22 by PeachPalm1

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, with a touch of attention-seeking behaviour. 

Yes, this pity party card was already played at the beginning of this very brief saga.  "Why does no one want me, why am I not good enough?"  But we've covered the ground now that OP has had boyfriends and plenty of dates, so ...

Time to move on, OP.  You've gotten a tremendous amount of mileage out of this already, don't you think?

[happyhorizons]

44 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yes, this pity party card was already played at the beginning of this very brief saga.  "Why does no one want me, why am I not good enough?"  But we've covered the ground now that OP has had boyfriends and plenty of dates, so ...

Time to move on, OP.  You've gotten a tremendous amount of mileage out of this already, don't you think?

Kindness is never out of STYLE.  I do not see the OP as seeking pity rather she is merely sharing her feelings and what her dating life FEELS LIKE TO HER. 

[FredEire]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's not "sad".  It's mathematics

Say the average man is attracted to 15% of women.  If you find yourself attracted to a rare man, then the probability of that rare individual being attracted to you is 15%.   

What are the traits of the men you like?  How are you being proactive in finding them?

Yes, it's incredibly difficult, which does make things a bit disheartening at times.

One of the few points ZA made in the other thread that I somewhat agree with is that a lot of people end up settling because it's convenient and it's hard to find someone with that mutual spark and also pass the trials and tribulations of a serious relationship.

It's not impossible though, my therapist once told me the good thing is it only needs to happen once in your lifetime.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

my therapist once told me the good thing is it only needs to happen once in your lifetime.

He was right to point that out.

Many of us can’t get rid of the stubborn, yet fully erroneous thought that the person who doesn’t like us or broke up with us could have been “the one”. We fill ourselves with that poisonous, debilitating, confidence-destroying, pessimistic, and completely irrational regret, instead of realizing the simple truth that if that person was “the one”, we would’ve been together now.

It’s really as simple as that. If things don’t work out, it means we aren’t each other’s halves, let us thank each other for the experience, apologize for anything bad we’ve done, and go our separate ways. There should be no further “but whys” and “but ifs”. 

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He was right to point that out.

Many of us can’t get rid of the stubborn, yet fully erroneous thought that the person who doesn’t like us or broke up with us could have been “the one”. We fill ourselves with that poisonous, debilitating, confidence-destroying, pessimistic, and completely irrational regret, instead of realizing the simple truth that if that person was “the one”, we would’ve been together now.

It’s really as simple as that. If things don’t work out, it means we aren’t each other’s halves, let us thank each other for the experience, apologize for anything bad we’ve done, and go our separate ways. There should be no further “but whys” and “but ifs”. 

Yeah, we also have to remember that we're not alone. A big reason I use this forum is it's comforting to see how many people have had similar experiences and how relatable a lot of it is.

No experience in life or in dating, no matter how great or how awful it is, is unique. Many many people have gone through and are going through the same things.

Edited May 23 by FredEire

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Many of us can’t get rid of the stubborn, yet fully erroneous thought that the person who doesn’t like us or broke up with us could have been “the one”

Indeed. The phrases "could have been" and "the one" are contradictions

[basil67]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

a lot of people end up settling because it's convenient and it's hard to find someone with that mutual spark and also pass the trials and tribulations of a serious relationship.

Is it really "a lot of people"?   I can't say that I know anybody who's married or in a long term relationship who would say they settled.  As in 'this person isn't great, but it's the best I can do.  Instead, they all chose people who they love dearly.  Even those where the marriage didn't work out, at the point of the marriage, they were in love and thought it would have lasted a lifetime

Edited May 23 by basil67

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is it really "a lot of people"?   I can't say that I know anybody who's married or in a long term relationship who would say they settled.  As in 'this person isn't great, but it's the best I can do.  Instead, they all chose people who they love dearly.  Even those where the marriage didn't work out, at the point of the marriage, they were in love and thought it would have lasted a lifetime

I don't think anyone is ever going to say this, they're going to make the best of it and tell themselves it's the best relationship for them even in their own heads.

I have several friends who settled down early with someone who wasn't right for them either because it was a girl from their home town and that's what their family wanted, lack of confidence they could meet anyone better, fear of the fallout from a breakup, etc.

One friend in particular is settled down with a girl he broke up with because he didn't have the kind of feelings he thought he should have and got back together with her when he started missing her. Since then he says their sex life is almost non existent, and when I spend time with them together there's a lot of sniping, snide comments and "jokes" about him from her end. And the sad thing is he blames himself and says she's wonderful and he doesn't appreciate her enough.

So yes I think it's unfortunately very common, many people would rather have something rather than run the risk of holding out for something better and ending up alone. But I know many happy couples as well, it's probably about who can get right with themselves enough to find whats right for them.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

I don't think anyone is ever going to say this, they're going to make the best of it and tell themselves it's the best relationship for them even in their own heads.

I have several friends who settled down early with someone who wasn't right for them either because it was a girl from their home town and that's what their family wanted, lack of confidence they could meet anyone better, fear of the fallout from a breakup, etc.

One friend in particular is settled down with a girl he broke up with because he didn't have the kind of feelings he thought he should have and got back together with her when he started missing her. Since then he says their sex life is almost non existent, and when I spend time with them together there's a lot of sniping, snide comments and "jokes" about him from her end. And the sad thing is he blames himself and says she's wonderful and he doesn't appreciate her enough.

So yes I think it's unfortunately very common, many people would rather have something rather than run the risk of holding out for something better and ending up alone. But I know many happy couples as well, it's probably about who can get right with themselves enough to find whats right for them.

Agree.

I have a family member that the spouse did some very unsavory things and my family member preferred to work it out versus going back to dating because it's so hard to find someone else again but I personally could not imagine compromising my personal values like that.

It's just impossible for me.

Especially if children are involved I can see how that will cause some instability. But I can totally see how one would settle for less. Life is not a rom com.

And another guy I know from college, he married his college sweetheart maybe 2-3 years after college because that was

1. the right time and
2. settling down just makes things easier overall

They have a small child now but just watching them together. It's hard for me to imagine it's a good relationship that will stand the test of time.

I think A LOT of people are in these situations. Yes, they will tell us it's the best relationship for them. But in reality, they are just holding onto something familiar.

Which brings me back to OP --- my answer is, he is not romantically into you but keeping you around sufficiently interested for an ego boost or for company until he can get with someone who he does feel that way about.