do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[happyhorizons]

This is ^^^ right and kinda the bottom line for the OP. The guy is just NOT romantically into it for whatever reason. So, the ifs or whys just don’t matter in the end. Having said that, I truly feel it’s not anything you have done to make him feel that way. 

[FredEire]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree.

I have a family member that the spouse did some very unsavory things and my family member preferred to work it out versus going back to dating because it's so hard to find someone else again but I personally could not imagine compromising my personal values like that.

It's just impossible for me.

Especially if children are involved I can see how that will cause some instability. But I can totally see how one would settle for less. Life is not a rom com.

And another guy I know from college, he married his college sweetheart maybe 2-3 years after college because that was

1. the right time and
2. settling down just makes things easier overall

They have a small child now but just watching them together. It's hard for me to imagine it's a good relationship that will stand the test of time.

I think A LOT of people are in these situations. Yes, they will tell us it's the best relationship for them. But in reality, they are just holding onto something familiar.

Which brings me back to OP --- my answer is, he is not romantically into you but keeping you around sufficiently interested for an ego boost or for company until he can get with someone who he does feel that way about. 

Yes me neither, Im still working on myself but I know there's a chance it won't happen for me. I'd still prefer to be by myself than in a mediocre functional relationship for the sake of it.

OP has said "all her friends" are settling down, I'd be willing to bet a few of these aren't with someone who's right for them or that they even really like.

It's not a bad thing to stay single if you're just aiming for higher and haven't found it yet.

[PeachPalm1]

12 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

Kindness is never out of STYLE.  I do not see the OP as seeking pity rather she is merely sharing her feelings and what her dating life FEELS LIKE TO HER. 

Thank you for being understanding. I’m not attention seeking or seeking pity at all. I just feel alone with my dating life. And the confusion. Of clicking with someone and having a lot in common and people speaking of how much chemsitry we have (I met his friends), to being kept at a distance. I wish didn’t beat myself up about it

one othrr thing I beat myself up about is how he said that physical touch is important to him. The third date I was more touchy feely, linking arms with him, but then as he kept me at such a distant after dates, in later dates I felt more nervous to initiate the touch as I wasn’t certain how he felt about me 

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Thank you for being understanding. I’m not attention seeking or seeking pity at all. I just feel alone with my dating life. And the confusion. Of clicking with someone and having a lot in common and people speaking of how much chemsitry we have (I met his friends), to being kept at a distance. I wish didn’t beat myself up about it

one othrr thing I beat myself up about is how he said that physical touch is important to him. The third date I was more touchy feely, linking arms with him, but then as he kept me at such a distant after dates, in later dates I felt more nervous to initiate the touch as I wasn’t certain how he felt about me 

Over-analsyis, self-criticism and self-pity are all wrapped up in eachother.

You're over-analysing tiny moments you're never going to have an answer to. At the end of the day if it was going to work out it would have, there's no specific wrong chess move you made along the way.

Think about how many drug-addled alcoholics have partners who stay with them all the way despite them making just about every mistake in the book.

Edited May 23 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

20 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Over-analsyis, self-criticism and self-pity are all wrapped up in eachother.

You're over-analysing tiny moments you're never going to have an answer to. At the end of the day if it was going to work out it would have, there's no specific wrong chess move you made along the way.

Think about how many drug-addled alcoholics have partners who stay with them all the way despite them making just about every mistake in the book.

Come to mention it, this guy was also an alcoholic too. A functional one 

[NuevoYorko]

33 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

one othrr thing I beat myself up about is how he said that physical touch is important to him. The third date I was more touchy feely, linking arms with him, but then as he kept me at such a distant after dates, in later dates I felt more nervous to initiate the touch as I wasn’t certain how he felt about me 

Did you learn anything from these threads?   It seems that you keep circling back to the exact same talking points no matter how long they go on.

This situation is yet one more example of the reality of your situation with the guy:  He was not comfortable with the physical touches FROM YOU because he did not have that type of feeling for you - which he told you outright.

Please make room in your head for this fact:  People do not fall for everyone that they come across no matter how lovely the people are.  I'm sure you are very lovely, smart, classy, and all the good things.   Yet, you were not a fit for this guy.  I don't get the impression that he EVER behaved as if he thought you were.

There are men who will be head over heels for you.   You have to be prepared and AWAKE to what is going on in order to be present for such a person when they come along.   You're not, right now, because you won't stop ruminating about why this one guy was not that into you.   He just wasn't.  It sucks but like I said before it's happened to everyone on this site and to most of us, more than once.

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Come to mention it, this guy was also an alcoholic too. A functional one 

Well, just one more red flag as if you needed it.

So you wanted to be with him even though he was a functional alcoholic, only wanted to see you every 3 weeks, etc etc.

On the other hand you're worrying about whether you touched his hand enough. Your own case is a good example of how if someone catches your fancy, there's almost no wrong move as long as you don't do something extreme like get blind drunk and start berating and insulting the other person. Even at that there's a level of infatuation that may be able to mental gymnastics their way to being ok with this kind of thing.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

one othrr thing I beat myself up about is how he said that physical touch is important to him. The third date I was more touchy feely, linking arms with him, but then as he kept me at such a distant after dates, in later dates I felt more nervous to initiate the touch as I wasn’t certain how he felt about me 

If he likes physical touch he can also touch you.  It's not your responsibility to do all the work.  Most men lead in physical touch when they are attracted.  They hug and kiss the woman.

35 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Come to mention it, this guy was also an alcoholic too. A functional one 

This guy is an alcoholic?  

[PeachPalm1]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If he likes physical touch he can also touch you.  It's not your responsibility to do all the work.  Most men lead in physical touch when they are attracted.  They hug and kiss the woman.

This guy is an alcoholic?  

Yes but he was working on reduction of his intake. Like he was aware I think. He really liked alcohol but he never got drunk. Like 7-8 pints out with the boys was standard for him. Then when we opened a bottle of wine, I’d still be finishing my first glass and he would have finished the bottle. And then same again when we opened the next one. He would drive home after a couple of pints but insisted he knew his limits. He wrote down how many units he had when we hung out

[happyhorizons]

He just does not seem like a good fit for you at all IMO. You seem so beyond him.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yes but he was working on reduction of his intake. Like he was aware I think. He really liked alcohol but he never got drunk. Like 7-8 pints out with the boys was standard for him. Then when we opened a bottle of wine, I’d still be finishing my first glass and he would have finished the bottle. And then same again when we opened the next one. He would drive home after a couple of pints but insisted he knew his limits. He wrote down how many units he had when we hung out

Seriously, you can do so much better than this.  You deserve better than him.   Leave this guy in your rear view.

[happyhorizons]

Just now, stillafool said:

Seriously, you can do so much better than this.  You deserve better than him.   Leave this guy in your rear view.

 Still ^ is exactly right. Move on past this dude and dont look back

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yes but he was working on reduction of his intake. Like he was aware I think. He really liked alcohol but he never got drunk. Like 7-8 pints out with the boys was standard for him. Then when we opened a bottle of wine, I’d still be finishing my first glass and he would have finished the bottle. And then same again when we opened the next one. He would drive home after a couple of pints but insisted he knew his limits. He wrote down how many units he had when we hung out

I'm from Ireland, seems about normal here 😂

But in all seriousness these are things you can maybe deal with in a relationship but it's hardly a plus. It's just a hassle you don't have to deal with, not a positive.

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

on reflection, although I am bossy, it’s something I am proud of as it’s in an assertive way. The last guy said my bluntness was attractive.

He may have said it was attractive during initial time together, but it's clear that on reflection he's chosen not to date you.

You're asked us to ponder why you were "friendzoned" and I'm just attempting to do some of the math for you. This might be part of it. I certainly could be wrong + my initial thoughts were that the issue is mostly with him.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

He may have said it was attractive during initial time together, but it's clear that on reflection he's chosen not to date you.

You're asked us to ponder why you were "friendzoned" and I'm just attempting to do some of the math for you. This might be part of it. I certainly could be wrong + my initial thoughts were that the issue is mostly with him.

My bluntness is my personality. I’m not a harsh person. I’m quite nice really

 

in fact one day he told me on a date that he thinks I’m too nice. I didn’t really know what he meant by that as I thought I’m just normal not ‘too nice.’ I don’t go out my way and I don’t people please

 

ive come to reflection that I’m not the problem here, I think me and him weren’t a match maybe because we were very similar in personality actually. I like how I came across when dating him I think I approached it in a classy way I’m just sad and self critical right now

[mark clemson]

"Bluntness" means you are direct, which can be positive. But any over-played strength becomes a weakness - there's certainly such a thing as being "too blunt". Something to think about.  At any rate, the situation is what it is...

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

"Bluntness" means you are direct, which can be positive. But any over-played strength becomes a weakness - there's certainly such a thing as being "too blunt". Something to think about.  At any rate, the situation is what it is...

Yes there's a thin line between blunt and just plain rude and ignorant. It's about timing and social intelligence.

A boss who tells his employee their performance is poor and they need to step up is being blunt, a girl who tells her friend she looks anoxeric and needs to eat more is also being blunt but the two may have very different outcomes.

I think it depends if it comes from a place of having hard, calculated but necessary conversations, or out of anger and personal insecurity. If your self-esteem is shaky I'd be careful telling people exactly what you think, especially if you are emotionally invested in that person.

[PeachPalm1]

Just now, FredEire said:

Yes there's a thin line between blunt and just plain rude and ignorant. It's about timing and social intelligence.

A boss who tells his employee their performance is poor and they need to step up is being blunt, a girl who tells her friend she looks anoxeric and needs to eat more is also being blunt but the two may have very different outcomes.

I think it depends if it comes from a place of having hard, calculated but necessary conversations, or out of anger and personal insecurity. If your self-esteem is shaky I'd be careful telling people exactly what you think, especially if you are emotionally invested in that person.

Like I am socially aware. I know not to cross a line.

 

he told me I was ‘too nice’ and I didn’t really know what to think of that. I certainly wasn’t tryiny to be nice or to people please, just being myself 

[NuevoYorko]

Look:   Bottom line is, would you ever really wish to be with a guy who was not "that into you"?   You seem willing to settle for someone who is not all in.  This guy was not and never from your first interaction behaved like he was all in:   

Quote

he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks

And soon, he told you "not feeling romantic" and "let's be friends."  So ... there you have it.

I can sure understand why this could hurt your feelings and be a hit to your self esteem, but really, you had minimal contact with this guy and he did not lead you on.   Going forward, try not to over-invest in situations where things are either not clear or especially when there are obvious blockades in place.  

Onward and upward now - ok?.  

 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Like I am socially aware. I know not to cross a line.

 

he told me I was ‘too nice’ and I didn’t really know what to think of that. I certainly wasn’t tryiny to be nice or to people please, just being myself 

In my experience people who cross lines never think the crossed the line but rather were "telling it like it is". There's a big difference in how you express things and how it comes across too, for example, "I'd prefer you didn't do X" instead of "I don't like/want you to do X".

Just be careful about how you go about it if you decide to be blunt with people, is I think what me and @mark clemson are saying.

[PeachPalm1]

19 minutes ago, FredEire said:

In my experience people who cross lines never think the crossed the line but rather were "telling it like it is". There's a big difference in how you express things and how it comes across too, for example, "I'd prefer you didn't do X" instead of "I don't like/want you to do X".

Just be careful about how you go about it if you decide to be blunt with people, is I think what me and @mark clemson are saying.

For example, an example of me being really blunt was when he was coming to visit when he had a training course in my town and he was like ‘bla bla bla not sure what time it finishes, but what are you thinking?’ And I replied (because I felt he was being low effort) ‘you might have to help me out here because you might be better suggesting things to do regarding your timings. Let me know.’ 
 

I kinda felt a bit shocked I was so blunt here!

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

For example, an example of me being really blunt was when he was coming to visit when he had a training course in my town and he was like ‘bla bla bla not sure what time it finishes, but what are you thinking?’ And I replied (because I felt he was being low effort) ‘you might have to help me out here because you might be better suggesting things to do regarding your timings. Let me know.’ 
 

I kinda felt a bit shocked I was so blunt here!

That's not "blunt."  That's just sensible.  

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's not "blunt."  That's just sensible.  

I agree, just seems to be passing the ball back to him about the time. Pretty normal.

You have an example earlier in the thread where you said something like "I really don't appreciate you doing X". That's the stuff you have to be careful with, people can feel personally attacked and if they feel some type of way about something you did even gaslighted.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Like I am socially aware. I know not to cross a line.

 

he told me I was ‘too nice’ and I didn’t really know what to think of that. I certainly wasn’t tryiny to be nice or to people please, just being myself 

Who cares what he thinks -- really. 

If someone can make you question your entire existence, they have too much power over you. Being kind is a positive trait, so embrace it. If someone sees it as a negative or a weakness, that is their own issue.

[happyhorizons]

Agreed ^^^^ do NOT EVER let this man make you question YOURSELF.  Look at it like this, IT'S LOSS NOT YOURS.  He is JUST ONE DUDE and I bet there are plenty others out there that would love to go out with you.