do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

41 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Agreed ^^^^ do NOT EVER let this man make you question YOURSELF.  Look at it like this, IT'S LOSS NOT YOURS.  He is JUST ONE DUDE and I bet there are plenty others out there that would love to go out with you.

I just have one more thing to comment.

I’ve liked guys in the past but they haven’t liked me back. Even when we’re very compatible. Then the guys that have liked me, have 100% not been my type. I’ve even given men a chance and felt very guilty because there was nothing there. It was usually because I’m very intellectual and those men didn’t stimulate me in that way, and they had very different lifestyles 

I stopped doing that

. If he said he didn’t feel romantic when this guy was doing romantic things and we honestly had a great connection. He commented on how easy I am to talk to, how much we have in common and how well we get along (he had this theory we meshed on our intelligence and personality type). Looking back to all my exes, I can see why exes weren’t compatible. But with this guy, I’m not lying when I say our lifestyles would just mesh! Then I don’t know how I can be so unlucky for this to not workout either. I’m kinda at my wits end about it now, my friends all joke that im perpetually single which is so true. I don’t even know if I can possibly like someone again because my brain tries to protect itself now? I’m like what’s the point, they will just leave me anyway

Edited May 23 by PeachPalm1

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just have one more thing to comment.

I’ve liked guys in the past but they haven’t liked me back. Even when we’re very compatible. Then the guys that have liked me, have 100% not been my type. I’ve even given men a chance and felt very guilty because there was nothing there. It was usually because I’m very intellectual and those men didn’t stimulate me in that way, and they had very different lifestyles 

I stopped doing that

. If he said he didn’t feel romantic when this guy was doing romantic things and we honestly had a great connection. He commented on how easy I am to talk to, how much we have in common and how well we get along (he had this theory we meshed on our intelligence and personality type). Looking back to all my exes, I can see why exes weren’t compatible. But with this guy, I’m not lying when I say our lifestyles would just mesh! Then I don’t know how I can be so unlucky for this to not workout either. I’m kinda at my wits end about it now, my friends all joke that im perpetually single which is so true. I don’t even know if I can possibly like someone again because my brain tries to protect itself now? I’m like what’s the point, they will just leave me anyway

All this basically says is "please let some guy please take interest in me so I can prove I'm desirable and desirable...feedback welcome!" and simultaneously "Actually I don't want some random guy I'm not even attracted to and am desperate to be attracted to!"

[happyhorizons]

49 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just have one more thing to comment.

I’ve liked guys in the past but they haven’t liked me back. Even when we’re very compatible. Then the guys that have liked me, have 100% not been my type. I’ve even given men a chance and felt very guilty because there was nothing there. It was usually because I’m very intellectual and those men didn’t stimulate me in that way, and they had very different lifestyles 

I stopped doing that

. If he said he didn’t feel romantic when this guy was doing romantic things and we honestly had a great connection. He commented on how easy I am to talk to, how much we have in common and how well we get along (he had this theory we meshed on our intelligence and personality type). Looking back to all my exes, I can see why exes weren’t compatible. But with this guy, I’m not lying when I say our lifestyles would just mesh! Then I don’t know how I can be so unlucky for this to not workout either. I’m kinda at my wits end about it now, my friends all joke that im perpetually single which is so true. I don’t even know if I can possibly like someone again because my brain tries to protect itself now? I’m like what’s the point, they will just leave me anyway

I don’t think this is a “wits end” type moment dating wise. I just don’t think you have come across THE guy or a truly POTENTIAL THE GUY. I think you the more you overthink or TRY and force something the harder things will get. Please give yourself some grace and kinda GO with it dating wise 

Also, weighing in on the Song In Your Heart thread here always helps 😊😊😊😊

Edited May 23 by happyhorizons

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I don’t think this is a “wits end” type moment dating wise. I just don’t think you have come across THE guy or a truly POTENTIAL THE GUY. I think you the more you overthink or TRY and force something the harder things will get. Please give yourself some grace and kinda GO with it dating wise 

When I’m on the dating apps, I try to look for someone who I absolutely swoon about. It’s like I feel physical attraction to a photo in an all or nothing way. When I match with someone like this, I find the convo so exciting and I get super excited and butterflies….

should I look for this feeling when on dating apps (which is what I interpret as being attracted to someone) or should I go on dates with people that don’t give me that feeling? Finding someone like that happens like once a year it’s so rare

[stillafool]

Okay there's only one thing left and that is perhaps you are interested in men who are out of your league.  I hate bringing that up because people (including myself) have gone for people they didn't think were that attractive, so "leagues" really don't count.  But you've refuted everything else that has been said here.  So that's the only excuse left as to why the guys you chose aren't interested enough to make a commitment.  I must also say to get this bent out of shape because a guy isn't interested in you the way you are in him, seems like a sense of entitlement.  Just like you have your type, so does he.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

When I’m on the dating apps, I try to look for someone who I absolutely swoon about. It’s like I feel physical attraction to a photo in an all or nothing way. When I match with someone like this, I find the convo so exciting and I get super excited and butterflies….

should I look for this feeling when on dating apps (which is what I interpret as being attracted to someone) or should I go on dates with people that don’t give me that feeling? Finding someone like that happens like once a year it’s so rare

A person can be extremely attractive but also an air head.  Or holds views which are incompatible with us.   If you find conversations with pretty men stimulating, I imagine that you're confusing lust with emotional and intellectual connection.  If so, that's a bad way to date.

57 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve liked guys in the past but they haven’t liked me back. Even when we’re very compatible.

Compatibility goes both ways.  If they don't like you back, then you're not compatible with them.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay there's only one thing left and that is perhaps you are interested in men who are out of your league.  I hate bringing that up because people (including myself) have gone for people they didn't think were that attractive, so "leagues" really don't count.  But you've refuted everything else that has been said here.  So that's the only excuse left as to why the guys you chose aren't interested enough to make a commitment.  I must also say to get this bent out of shape because a guy isn't interested in you the way you are in him, seems like a sense of entitlement.  Just like you have your type, so does he.

No because my friends when I show them the guys I date are like ‘wtf’ so attractiveness is definitely subjective and I just like what I like. Plus my ex boyfriend now dates a very strange looking woman and I don’t mean to sound horrible there.

 

in fact this last guy, was so insecure with me at times, constantly asking if I found him attractive. If he should grow his beard and will I still like him if I do? would I still like him if he had short hair etc. and I don’t like super hot guys myself, I can’t put my finger on what makes me feel attraction but it happens rarely 

[basil67]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

I can’t put my finger on what makes me feel attraction but it happens rarely 

Ultimately, this is the reason you have so few options.  

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ultimately, this is the reason you have so few options.  

I know it’s making me panic. I used to think I was asexual. I would date guys and just didn’t want to have sex. Like I didn’t even know what getting turned on felt like.

 

and now I’m worried I’m doomed because of it. I feel like though it’s just a very small dating pool scraping the bottom of the barrel in my town and a few friends feel the same way who are single. The uk has some very unattractive people, like most men tbh 

 

fortubtely the last guy, one of the first guys I’ve ever felt desire for to have sex. And it was very exciting for me and I was excited to explore having a sex life but it all ended too soon. Had my first ever big O in my life with this guy too, which was amazing 

Edited May 23 by PeachPalm1

[happyhorizons]

Maybe, this THING with HIM is more of a lust/infatuation driven desire????? There are more descriptive terms that could be used but of course they are not dignified in the slightest bit.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Maybe, this THING with HIM is more of a lust/infatuation driven desire????? There are more descriptive terms that could be used but of course they are not dignified in the slightest bit.

I’m just worried something wrong with me. I used to think I was demisexual but with this guy it was instant desire from a photo. And I’m trying to find that again because I’m like how can you date anyone without that feeling or can it develop

I worry a lot. Some people feel attraction to most guys . I’d love to feel it more but I just don’t. 
 

my had a Reddit account and on behalf of me posted a picture of me and people rated it.I don’t mean to sound vain but I had a lot of comments like telling me I’m a 8 out of 10. (I don’t feel like an 8-10 feel more like a 6) So I don’t think it’s a league based thing 

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m just worried something wrong with me. I used to think I was demisexual but with this guy it was instant desire from a photo. And I’m trying to find that again because I’m like how can you date anyone without that feeling or can it develop

I worry a lot. Some people feel attraction to most guys . I’d love to feel it more but I just don’t. 
 

my had a Reddit account and on behalf of me posted a picture of me and people rated it.I don’t mean to sound vain but I had a lot of comments like telling me I’m a 8 out of 10. (I don’t feel like an 8-10 feel more like a 6) So I don’t think it’s a league based thing 

Welcome to my world. I'm the exact same as you describe, its very rare I would ever get fireworks type feelings for someone but when I do it's just something intangible I cant quite put my finger on. The last girl I had that feeling for I thought was gorgeous on a personal level but when I showed my friends pictures they just shrugged and said I've seen you dating much more attractive girls in my opinion. And the rare occasion I do meet someone I really like it usually goes downhill fast.

I don't mean to be rude but I personally find some sexual orientation labels like "demi" a bit silly as I think it broadly falls into the "normal" experience of attraction for a lot of people. It doesn't sound to me like there's anything much wrong with you, apart from constantly overthinking that there's something wrong with you.

[happyhorizons]

I willing to be the OP is a very attractive lady that maybe lacks SOME self confidence due to her dating experiences.  She just needs to GET HER MOJO BACK.  

[PeachPalm1]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Welcome to my world. I'm the exact same as you describe, its very rare I would ever get fireworks type feelings for someone but when I do it's just something intangible I cant quite put my finger on. The last girl I had that feeling for I thought was gorgeous on a personal level but when I showed my friends pictures they just shrugged and said I've seen you dating much more attractive girls in my opinion. And the rare occasion I do meet someone I really like it usually goes downhill fast.

I don't mean to be rude but I personally find some sexual orientation labels like "demi" a bit silly as I think it broadly falls into the "normal" experience of attraction for a lot of people. It doesn't sound to me like there's anything much wrong with you, apart from constantly overthinking that there's something wrong with you.

Maybe that’s the same as how this guy felt. Found me pretty but something intangible. Eg like he expected to fancy me but he just didn’t or something 

[happyhorizons]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Maybe that’s the same as how this guy felt. Found me pretty but something intangible. Eg like he expected to fancy me but he just didn’t or something 

But PP that is ON HIM NOT YOU.  You cannot allow HIS choices to determine how you view yourself. 

[FredEire]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

Maybe that’s the same as how this guy felt. Found me pretty but something intangible. Eg like he expected to fancy me but he just didn’t or something 

Who tf knows, you can't read his mind.

There's two parties in every relationship. Unfortunately just because you feel that electricity it doesn't mean the other person is going to, or that it won't turn into indifference, anger, resentment etc. over time.

A relationship is 50/50, whatever happens about what's going on for the individuals, and how that affects the chemistry plays out between them. It's rarely down to being one person's "fault".

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m just worried something wrong with me. I used to think I was demisexual but with this guy it was instant desire from a photo. And I’m trying to find that again because I’m like how can you date anyone without that feeling or can it develop

Instant desire from a photo? Sorry, this just sounds weird to me, like some sort of a curse or a love potion thing from a fairy tale. 

Normally, desire develops gradually, as people see each other and talk to each other more, and their mutual sympathy grows. 

My fiancée and I have intense desire for each other, but when we met, we both just thought that the other person was nice and comfortable to hang out with. It quickly developed into something else, but it happened naturally, organically, and gradually. 

We both have quite a rich romantic past, but none of us has ever felt an instant desire to the member of the opposite sex from their photo. Honestly, the idea itself just sounds a bit silly to me.

You should really start meeting people naturally, in real life.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But with this guy, I’m not lying when I say our lifestyles would just mesh! 

He's an alcoholic, according to you.  I don't think that would be a very satisfying lifestyle to mesh with.  Please never do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He's an alcoholic, according to you.

Yes, I was suprised OP only brought that up now. 

Is that not an enormous red flag to you, @PeachPalm1? It is noteworthy that you seem to have overlooked this. 

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I was suprised OP only brought that up now. 

Is that not an enormous red flag to you, @PeachPalm1? It is noteworthy that you seem to have overlooked this. 

The country he is from though   Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though so I think it might be cultural. They are known for being big drinkers 

 

[FredEire]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

The country he is from though   Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though so I think it might be cultural. They are known for being big drinkers 

 

Yeah if he's an Aussie unfortunately functional alcoholism is nearly the norm, same where I'm from in Ireland.

You mentioned you're from the UK though right? I wouldn't say Britain is too far off to be honest. A lot of US people are shocked by the amount we drink here.

[ZA Dater]

On 5/17/2024 at 12:30 PM, PeachPalm1 said:

 

Why would a guy find you attractive, speak of how well you get along but not feel ‘romantic’?

I can’t get over him and worry what I did wrong 

October last year I matched with a guy on a dating app. I’ve never really had a march quite like it, an instant connection, amazing conversation, so much in common, nice physical spark. I was excited . On dates he would hold my hand and talk about how he feels we get along so well

But he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks. I got really anxious but I didn’t tell him this. I was always communicative, put effort in, and I know I put my best self forward 

Then he lost his job, had visa issues (he’s from abroad) and eventually said he didn’t feel romantic and that he wanted to be friends. He said it was a him thing and nothing on me. He also said he sees himself moving back home other side of the world next year 

He remains friends but still acts a bit strange. Sometimes he texts me all of the time, sending memes and recipes and other times he disappears for a while. Then he asked to see me and he took me to play golf, he was hugging me a lot , touching me subtly and telling me once again how he feels that me and him get along so well. He told me he might go back to his home country next year but he’s not sure 

I went on holiday last week and during that time, he was liking every story post I put up of myself, sending me messages asking about my holiday. I then replied back to him and I said ‘how are you doing?’ 

He didn’t reply. It’s been a week. He continued to like my stories and posts but won’t reply back. This doesn’t make sense to me . He hasn’t even opened the message and I don’t understand and I’m worried once again what’s wrong with me 

He’s moved a couple hours away for a new job and I couldn’t help but see if he has a new hinge profile. He has just gotten a dating app profile and seeing it has made me sad. His profile even says he is looking for a long term relationship 😞

I don’t get it . I’m 29 and never had a partner and me and him really clicked. Could it be he still likes me somewhat?  

I’m upset tonight cause I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m an attractive woman, he used to tell me I was pretty and that he loved my company, but why would I never be good enough for a relationship. I still have feelings for him and I’m scared I’ll never lose them but also scared i won’t ever be liked by anyone 

I’ve never had feelings for anyone like I did him. And I don’t get his behaviour or if it means anything 

Like is it even normal to be attractive and get friendzoned.

I am sorry this has happened to you and I am equally sorry that you have not had a partner. There is nothing wrong with you, you need to believe in yourself and the good qualities you have, you cannot let dating change how you view yourself and yes I do speak from experience here as someone who dating and the lack thereof negatively affect me for many years.

Its a terrible position to be in where you find yourself, one thing I learnt is its not possible to figure out what people do the things they do and for what purpose they do them. Instead of looking yourself and blaming yourself maybe look at him and the geographical distance he is from you.

The best advice I can give you is to try believe in yourself and yes I know how hard this can be!

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah if he's an Aussie unfortunately functional alcoholism is nearly the norm, same where I'm from in Ireland.

You mentioned you're from the UK though right? I wouldn't say Britain is too far off to be honest. A lot of US people are shocked by the amount we drink here.

Add South Africa to that list.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Add South Africa to that list.

Yes I've met several South African people and drinking/cocaine problems seems to be a theme.

It's ingrained into society in Ireland where you basically get hassled for not drinking enough. What OP described wouldn't be too atypical for an Australian guy, the former British colonies tend to have the same drinking problems or worse. Then of course there's Scandinavia which is a whole other level.

A good friend of mine moved to New York last year and he said he was shocked by how little people drink in general and how looked down on it is to have more than a couple of beers on a regular night out.

Edited May 24 by FredEire

[happyhorizons]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yes I've met several South African people and drinking/cocaine problems seems to be a theme.

It's ingrained into society in Ireland where you basically get hassled for not drinking enough. What OP described wouldn't be too atypical for an Australian guy, the former British colonies tend to have the same drinking problems or worse. Then of course there's Scandinavia which is a whole other level.

A good friend of mine moved to New York last year and he said he was shocked by how little people drink in general and how looked down on it is to have more than a couple of beers on a regular night out.

This is very interesting to read. I wonder what causes the excessive drinking in these countries? I rarely drink and nobody says a word to me it (not that I would care anyway).