do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes you are justifying negative traits because of limerance and infatuation, meanwhile you're worrying about every little comment and maybe/possible misstep you made with him.

If he felt the same way he wouldn't give a damn about any of that, he'd be making an effort to be with you. But he doesn't feel the same way.

I didn’t make this comment 

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t make this comment 

You've speculated several times about what you may have done "wrong" to turn him off.

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You've speculated several times about what you may have done "wrong" to turn him off.

I know. It’s just he’s had lots of girlfriends in the past who he was excited about. I don’t know why he bothered dating me when he wasn’t excited by me and I feel a bit ashamed I never made it to gf status too. Like those girls were so lucky. I just wish someone could like me in a romantic way and be excited to get to know me 

[PeachPalm1]

26 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It is going to happen. I fully realize patience is difficult at times but hope springs eternal 😊😊

I’ve just realised something about myself. Every guy I’ve met on a dating app, I’ve preferred men who are less soppy and affectionate in texts. Who text less often, (usually just to set up dates and some getting to know you chat.) which allows me comfort and space to get to know them in a non pressuring way, to build a connection as I don’t feel instant attraction. And I found that with this guy, it was the perfect arrangement for me to get to know him slowly without being overwhelmed with affection I wasn’t ready for. But that attraction then grew for him and I wanted to be affectionate but yet he never changed and still kept his distance.

I talk to some guys on dating apps and they text me all the time and send soppy messages and I find it overwhelming as I don’t know if I like them yet.

that’s why I wanted the last guy, I felt so comfortable 

[FredEire]

35 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know. It’s just he’s had lots of girlfriends in the past who he was excited about. I don’t know why he bothered dating me when he wasn’t excited by me and I feel a bit ashamed I never made it to gf status too. Like those girls were so lucky. I just wish someone could like me in a romantic way and be excited to get to know me 

Maybe you wouldn't have wanted him if he was really interested. It's easy to say from your current standpoint he's really wonderful etc etc but you just don't know. The mind works in mysterious ways. You want what you can't have is a cliché for a reason.

The same happens for me, I only (rarely) seem to take a fancy for emotionally unavailable and unstable girls. Open, interested and ready to date me? Sorry not really feeling it.

It's immensely frustrating but I think it's a defence mechanism to stay away from the pressures of real intimacy for me, and it may well be for you, too.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Maybe you wouldn't have wanted him if he was really interested. It's easy to say from your current standpoint he's really wonderful etc etc but you just don't know. The mind works in mysterious ways. You want what you can't have is a cliché for a reason.

The same happens for me, I only (rarely) seem to take a fancy for emotionally unavailable and unstable girls. Open, interested and ready to date me? Sorry not really feeling it.

It's immensely frustrating but I think it's a defence mechanism to stay away from the pressures of real intimacy for me, and it may well be for you, too.

I don’t know because me and my last ex took things very slow at the beginning and I developed feelings over time. And then with time he started being very affectionate and we had emotional intimacy, and it felt natural and I enjoyed it completely. So I really believe it’s a comfort thing for me. 
 

and with this last guy, I 100% felt ready for the emotional intimacy and I was trying to seek it. There was a time on the last date, when he hugged me and said ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And felt so so happy! But also confused becayse  of his distancing. 

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

There was a time on the last date, when he hugged me and said ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And felt so so happy! But also confused becayse  of his distancing. 

Have you asked him about this^ and what made him back off?  I think it would help you to ask him because no one here can help you find the answer as much as we've tried.

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve just realised something about myself. Every guy I’ve met on a dating app, I’ve preferred men who are less soppy and affectionate in texts. Who text less often, (usually just to set up dates and some getting to know you chat.) which allows me comfort and space to get to know them in a non pressuring way, to build a connection as I don’t feel instant attraction. And I found that with this guy, it was the perfect arrangement for me to get to know him slowly without being overwhelmed with affection I wasn’t ready for. But that attraction then grew for him and I wanted to be affectionate but yet he never changed and still kept his distance.

I talk to some guys on dating apps and they text me all the time and send soppy messages and I find it overwhelming as I don’t know if I like them yet.

that’s why I wanted the last guy, I felt so comfortable 

Maybe you need to put in your profile that you like to take it slow and are in no rush to get into a relationship.  You have to keep looking because there are plenty of guys who are not soppy or affectionate in texts and in person for that matter.   Just next soppy guys.  At first you were saying no one matches with you so now we know you do get action you just have to weed them out.

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have you asked him about this^ and what made him back off?  I think it would help you to ask him because no one here can help you find the answer as much as we've tried.

I don’t know what made him back off. As I went home after that date, and then he still maintained his distance after the date. There’s nothing I could have possibly done between that time for him to back off . it was strange 

when he ended things, I sent a message basically thanking him for letting me know, and that I felt his communication has been off from the get go, and I felt we didn’t spend enough time for things to become romantic.

 

I left it at that and I never asked him about it, and even as friends he messages sporadically and takes weeks to reply or doesn’t reply at all. I feel like I’ve left it too long to be able to ask about it because it would reveal I still care too! And I never seee him either 

 

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t know what made him back off.

Of course you don't know that's why you're here.  You should still ask him why he backed away from you since this is bothering you so much.  I normally would not suggest such a thing but you can't seem to move forward without a proper answer.  So ask him but I must warn you that you may not like what you hear; but at least you'll be able to move on and feel like you got some type or closure.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course you don't know that's why you're here.  You should still ask him why he backed away from you since this is bothering you so much.  I normally would not suggest such a thing but you can't seem to move forward without a proper answer.  So ask him but I must warn you that you may not like what you hear; but at least you'll be able to move on and feel like you got some type or closure.

If I ever see him again, I will ask him. But he only ever sees me on his term

my theory is, im quite a direct woman. And I often asked him quite direct questions, not too direct and certainly appropriate questions, but I sensed sometimes he felt somewhat uncomfortable with direct questions like ‘what was your longest relationship’ and ‘what are you looking for?’ And I don’t think he was used to directness from women as I felt he was someone who likes to be in control. And then he said he felt I was like him, in terms of personality. So maybe it was a clash, my career requires me to be very direct.

something else I notice about myself is I prefer to date men who live a way away, like an hour or so. I think it comes down to me wanting that space to get to know someone slowly. Ugh

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

If I ever see him again, I will ask him. But he only ever sees me on his term

my theory is, im quite a direct woman. And I often asked him quite direct questions, not too direct and certainly appropriate questions, but I sensed sometimes he felt somewhat uncomfortable with direct questions like ‘what was your longest relationship’ and ‘what are you looking for?’ And I don’t think he was used to directness from women as I felt he was someone who likes to be in control. And then he said he felt I was like him, in terms of personality. So maybe it was a clash, my career requires me to be very direct.

something else I notice about myself is I prefer to date men who live a way away, like an hour or so. I think it comes down to me wanting that space to get to know someone slowly. Ugh

You could contact him and ask and then never see him again if you wish.   If you got he impression he doesn't like direct questions and you asked him direct questions, you aren't compatible after all.  Not all men like direct, blunt women.  This could very well be why he backed off, but you should still ask him.  Maybe he can give you insight as to why this keeps happening to you.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You could contact him and ask and then never see him again if you wish.   If you got he impression he doesn't like direct questions and you asked him direct questions, you aren't compatible after all.  Not all men like direct, blunt women.  This could very well be why he backed off, but you should still ask him.  Maybe he can give you insight as to why this keeps happening to you.

One last theory I have is after our first date, I traveled an hour to the town to meet. And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 
 

he left and didn’t even text me after the first date, for like 5 days

 

anyway the woman was a lady he met whilst travelling who lived in his town. He often went for dinner with her but never stayed over. He often talked about the country she was from, random facts about that country which was weird 

 

part of me wonders if he liked this woman but she didn’t want him. Leaving him feeling insecure. Then he met me trying to move on, was still meeting her as friends. He often would ask me if I find him attractive. And also he had issues in the bedroom. Affectionate in person followed by distancing behaviour 

 

I feel like it was a right person wrong time situation. Hence he keeps me as a friend now and is touchy feely in person 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 

It doesn't make sense that he didn't warn you about this in advance.   To be honest, this sounds suspiciously like the kind of excuse one invents if they find themselves on a date which they aren't particularly enjoying.  

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't make sense that he didn't warn you about this in advance.   To be honest, this sounds suspiciously like the kind of excuse one invents if they find themselves on a date which they aren't particularly enjoying.  

I thought that at the time but then he asked me on the next date, and every date he always kept short. So I don’t things that was the case

[NuevoYorko]

19 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

The country he is from though   Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though so I think it might be cultural. They are known for being big drinkers 

 

This does not make them alcoholics.  There is a huge difference.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wasting way too much time theorizing about what could have gone wrong. 

That is energy you could be spending on letting go and moving on. This guy didn't want to date you. It's not the end of the world.

[FredEire]

11 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last theory I have is after our first date, I traveled an hour to the town to meet. And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 
 

he left and didn’t even text me after the first date, for like 5 days

 

anyway the woman was a lady he met whilst travelling who lived in his town. He often went for dinner with her but never stayed over. He often talked about the country she was from, random facts about that country which was weird 

 

part of me wonders if he liked this woman but she didn’t want him. Leaving him feeling insecure. Then he met me trying to move on, was still meeting her as friends. He often would ask me if I find him attractive. And also he had issues in the bedroom. Affectionate in person followed by distancing behaviour 

 

I feel like it was a right person wrong time situation. Hence he keeps me as a friend now and is touchy feely in person 

And I assume all the evidence you have that he wasn't sleeping with this woman is his word?

I think it's entirely possible he knew he was already going to be getting laid that night and decided to test the waters with you to see if you might be the kind of girl who jumped into bed quickly and he could maybe have two experiences in the one night. And if not he'd reduce his availability and leave you wondering (as he did).

I'm not saying it's good or healthy but I have friends who used to do this kind of thing. Going back to OP it seemed to me his actions were pretty consistent with a guy who's a bit of a player. If he was just genuinely having dinner with a platonic friend I don't know why he couldn't just text them and say "Hey sorry something came up, we'll have to do another night etc"

Part of infatuation is we always want to think the best of the person, he must be a sweet mixed up guy who didn't know how to communicate, he couldn't be a calculating player who was aiming to get as many girls into bed as possible.

If I'm right about that I just wish he'd been honest from the jump that he didn't see anything serious and didn't leave romantic breadcrumbs along the way that kept you hung up on him.

Edited May 25, 2024 by FredEire

[Alpacalia]

39 minutes ago, FredEire said:

12 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last theory I have is after our first date, I traveled an hour to the town to meet. And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 
 

he left and didn’t even text me after the first date, for like 5 days

 

anyway the woman was a lady he met whilst travelling who lived in his town. He often went for dinner with her but never stayed over. He often talked about the country she was from, random facts about that country which was weird 

 

part of me wonders if he liked this woman but she didn’t want him. Leaving him feeling insecure. Then he met me trying to move on, was still meeting her as friends. He often would ask me if I find him attractive. And also he had issues in the bedroom. Affectionate in person followed by distancing behaviour 

 

I feel like it was a right person wrong time situation. Hence he keeps me as a friend now and is touchy feely in person 

And I assume all the evidence you have that he wasn't sleeping with this woman is his word?

I think it's entirely possible he knew he was already going to be getting laid that night and decided to test the waters with you to see if you might be the kind of girl who jumped into bed quickly and he could maybe have two experiences in the one night. And if not he'd reduce his availability and leave you wondering (as he did).

I'm not saying it's good or healthy but I have friends who used to do this kind of thing. Going back to OP it seemed to me his actions were pretty consistent with a guy who's a bit of a player. If he was just genuinely having dinner with a platonic friend I don't know why he couldn't just text them and say "Hey sorry something came up, we'll have to do another night etc"

Part of infatuation is we always want to think the best of the person, he must be a sweet mixed up guy who didn't know how to communicate, he couldn't be a calculating player who was aiming to get as many girls into bed as possible.

If I'm right about that I just wish he'd been honest from the jump that he didn't see anything serious and didn't leave romantic breadcrumbs along the way that kept you hung up on him.

Agree. And I think a dose of self-revelation here is in place. OP, you admit you made some blunders there. It is much better had you got out of it early on. There are so many out there lining up for 1 or 2nd chance that would make far worst errors. Look them over. 

He double booked a 1st date.

That's just, well, bad planning.

Then he kept leading you on and stringing you along.

He didn't make the commitment for exclusivity you wanted.

So now he's just a friend.

Were there other flags you ignored during those long dates?

I think it's just time to move on.

Take it as a learning experience.

Edited May 25, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

I think this thread may have broken some type of record.   I hope the OP has decided that the situation has been dissected to its fullest possible last particle and that it's time to move on.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I thought that at the time but then he asked me on the next date, and every date he always kept short. So I don’t things that was the case

Keeping dates short is a sign of little interest.  When a guy wants you he plans to spend time with you and doesn't rush you out the door after sex and certainly doesn't double book dates.  As a matter of fact I would say he's more interested in the woman he has the 2nd date with because he probably spent more time and even the night with her.  Asking you out on day dates that are short is pretty much the friendzone.

[PeachPalm1]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Keeping dates short is a sign of little interest.  When a guy wants you he plans to spend time with you and doesn't rush you out the door after sex and certainly doesn't double book dates.  As a matter of fact I would say he's more interested in the woman he has the 2nd date with because he probably spent more time and even the night with her.  Asking you out on day dates that are short is pretty much the friendzone.

I know and I just don’t know why I can’t find a man who is excited about me. Was at a wedding today and the couple were so matched and in love and I’ve never had that in my life. 
 

I want someone who just wants me from the start and is excited to get to know me 

Edited May 25, 2024 by PeachPalm1

[PeachPalm1]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

And I assume all the evidence you have that he wasn't sleeping with this woman is his word?

I think it's entirely possible he knew he was already going to be getting laid that night and decided to test the waters with you to see if you might be the kind of girl who jumped into bed quickly and he could maybe have two experiences in the one night. And if not he'd reduce his availability and leave you wondering (as he did).

I'm not saying it's good or healthy but I have friends who used to do this kind of thing. Going back to OP it seemed to me his actions were pretty consistent with a guy who's a bit of a player. If he was just genuinely having dinner with a platonic friend I don't know why he couldn't just text them and say "Hey sorry something came up, we'll have to do another night etc"

Part of infatuation is we always want to think the best of the person, he must be a sweet mixed up guy who didn't know how to communicate, he couldn't be a calculating player who was aiming to get as many girls into bed as possible.

If I'm right about that I just wish he'd been honest from the jump that he didn't see anything serious and didn't leave romantic breadcrumbs along the way that kept you hung up on him.

He wasn’t the player type though and he seemed very very nervous in the bedroom. 

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree. And I think a dose of self-revelation here is in place. OP, you admit you made some blunders there. It is much better had you got out of it early on. There are so many out there lining up for 1 or 2nd chance that would make far worst errors. Look them over. 

He double booked a 1st date.

That's just, well, bad planning.

Then he kept leading you on and stringing you along.

He didn't make the commitment for exclusivity you wanted.

So now he's just a friend.

Were there other flags you ignored during those long dates?

I think it's just time to move on.

Take it as a learning experience.

I know but I thought things would be different as my ex didn’t want me either and said he only dated me as I was pretty and he was lonely. That hurt me for 2 years and then finally felt ready for love like all my friends are settled down and this happened again and I just can’t find love at all

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know but I thought things would be different as my ex didn’t want me either and said he only dated me as I was pretty and he was lonely. That hurt me for 2 years and then finally felt ready for love like all my friends are settled down and this happened again and I just can’t find love at all

Feel like I’ve learned a lot. Dating so many guys and I just feel unlovable. It’s hard to find people I genuinely click with and I really did click with this recent guy. I know im going on, I just feel like im such a joke as I’ve never had something genuine and never been loved. People used to tell me how well me and him clicked and came across so similar