do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Even my ex said he dated me out of loneliness and the breakup came very unexpectedly. 
 

I guess I can’t make sense of me and that guy clicking and having a physical spark. To me that’s like the basis for a good connection and getting to know each other. But then I just am terrified it’s me that can’t form romantic connections 

 

I sure made it clear of my interest though, I got him small token gifts to show my interest and baked him cakes. And told him I liked him (but I wasn’t pressuring with this.) 

 

especially all my friends getting married and they found partners so easily. Where as for me , they joke that I’m the gossip one in the group with constantly dating someone new. It’s just this last guy actually felt it will go somewhere.

 

last time we met up, the last guy said he’s not sure he will stay in my county longer than a year now. He used to ask my views on moving other side of world, and I told him I love my family here. 

Maybe, but I suppose you shouldn't really be getting feelings for everyone. How many of these friends settle down with people they don't really like? I'd venture quite a lot. I think there's an awful lot of people out there who have never really been in love.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just can’t find love at all

I think it's time for you to stop trying and let love find you.

[PeachPalm1]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think it's time for you to stop trying and let love find you.

I did that for 2 years: just not doing any dating, just living my life and no one came along until this guy. I thought at the time I felt so ready to date 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I did that for 2 years: just not doing any dating, just living my life and no one came along until this guy. I thought at the time I felt so ready to date 

So what is your next plan to find love?

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Feel like I’ve learned a lot. Dating so many guys and I just feel unlovable. It’s hard to find people I genuinely click with and I really did click with this recent guy. I know im going on, I just feel like im such a joke as I’ve never had something genuine and never been loved. People used to tell me how well me and him clicked and came across so similar 

OP, I’ll be blunt with you.

It’s unattractive when a person constantly complains about feeling unlovable.

It’s unattractive when a person keeps bemoaning some short, fleeting, weird, unsuccessful relationship, heaping unwarranted praise on it and doubting whether they will ever have a good one again.

It’s unattractive when a person refers to themselves as good and honest and caring and then keeps asking “what’s wrong with me?”, like a broken record.

OP, this is what’s wrong with you. The above. Your attitude. The mental state you’ve gotten yourself into. The negative vibe that you’re projecting. The self-centered approach to love. People aren’t attracted to that. People like confidence and humility. People like it when you’re vulnerable and open to romance, but tough and resilient when romance doesn’t work out.

If you can’t get yourself into that state of mind, I suggest finding a good therapist.

[FredEire]

14 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I did that for 2 years: just not doing any dating, just living my life and no one came along until this guy. I thought at the time I felt so ready to date 

Trying not to try is usually even less effective than trying too hard.

I agree with @Gebidozo in that whatever guy comes along at the moment will be weighed up against this other guy. And given the regard you have for him he's probably going to lose. That's not a very nice place for him to be in, and not very good for your budding relationship.

So moving on and being open to the new is imperative. Theres no sense letting a guy who basically now regards you as an afterthought being a weight placed on your heart that prevents you from loving again. But maybe the limerance and focus on the past protects you from the vulnerability that new experiences would bring.

[ZA Dater]

On 5/26/2024 at 1:18 AM, FredEire said:

Maybe, but I suppose you shouldn't really be getting feelings for everyone. How many of these friends settle down with people they don't really like? I'd venture quite a lot. I think there's an awful lot of people out there who have never really been in love.

This might be the wisest, most intelligent thing I read this week. OP I would take note of this advice.

As someone who can sort of relate to where you are, its not a nice place but its also a place which is difficult to get out of, I am not expert, its very hard each day to tell myself to try not fall back into the space where you find yourself.

You need to value yourself, again you might say you do but when you find yourself in this place, you actually do not, you let others have a high degree of control over you.

Part of where you find yourself is a place which is inherently negative, you may say its realistic but in reality its only that because you tell yourself it is. Most people would say otherwise.

You should look at your life overall, try remove or mitigate negative influences and you may find that weight you carry around and doubt about being loved may gradually diminish. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

This might be the wisest, most intelligent thing I read this week. OP I would take note of this advice.

As someone who can sort of relate to where you are, its not a nice place but its also a place which is difficult to get out of, I am not expert, its very hard each day to tell myself to try not fall back into the space where you find yourself.

You need to value yourself, again you might say you do but when you find yourself in this place, you actually do not, you let others have a high degree of control over you.

Part of where you find yourself is a place which is inherently negative, you may say its realistic but in reality its only that because you tell yourself it is. Most people would say otherwise.

You should look at your life overall, try remove or mitigate negative influences and you may find that weight you carry around and doubt about being loved may gradually diminish. 

Also pretty good advice in my opinion, OP.

I've always hated the "there are starving kids in Africa" argument to make kids eat their fruits and vegetables, but there's a degree of truth to it.

Everyone suffers heartbreak, but you can really let it eat you if you let it, and eventually your mental and physical health suffers for it.

I'm from a long line of overthinkers and in some cases navel-gazers who let their doubts get the best of them and never really grew up. It's been a long process to get out of this way of thinking.

I would say in my teens and early 20s I definitely fit the "incel" description. I was very bitter and angry about all the attractive, successful people having great lives and was resentful that I couldn't be like them.

A big lesson I learned is that just because someone is attractive it doesn't really mean they are special or different. When I eventually got a bit more confidence and started to date pretty girls I used to think were unobtainable I was shocked to realise they were in many cases struggling and just as insecure as me, if not moreso.

I think by thinking about this guy in this way you're placing yourself beneath him, thinking he has some wonderful quality that you are not worthy of. And really he doesn't deserve to be put on a pedestal like that.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Also pretty good advice in my opinion, OP.

I've always hated the "there are starving kids in Africa" argument to make kids eat their fruits and vegetables, but there's a degree of truth to it.

Everyone suffers heartbreak, but you can really let it eat you if you let it, and eventually your mental and physical health suffers for it.

I'm from a long line of overthinkers and in some cases navel-gazers who let their doubts get the best of them and never really grew up. It's been a long process to get out of this way of thinking.

I would say in my teens and early 20s I definitely fit the "incel" description. I was very bitter and angry about all the attractive, successful people having great lives and was resentful that I couldn't be like them.

A big lesson I learned is that just because someone is attractive it doesn't really mean they are special or different. When I eventually got a bit more confidence and started to date pretty girls I used to think were unobtainable I was shocked to realise they were in many cases struggling and just as insecure as me, if not moreso.

I think by thinking about this guy in this way you're placing yourself beneath him, thinking he has some wonderful quality that you are not worthy of. And really he doesn't deserve to be put on a pedestal like that.

OP I think something else to remember is keep yourself grounded to a degree, yes being physically attractive is helpful but it can also add more complication, I have met many attractive people who actually struggle with dating but not through lack of choice but through a lack of quality. Decide on what you like and what you do not and then leave some grey area but whatever you do, do not date someone for the sake of it. 

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

OP I think something else to remember is keep yourself grounded to a degree, yes being physically attractive is helpful but it can also add more complication, I have met many attractive people who actually struggle with dating but not through lack of choice but through a lack of quality. Decide on what you like and what you do not and then leave some grey area but whatever you do, do not date someone for the sake of it. 

Yeah and that’s my problem. I live in an area where basically the young population is non existent. So being a woman in my late 20s, there’s no single men here. So when I met this guy and we genuinely had a connection, I felt happy excited but also relieved. 
 

one other thing I’ve reflected on, is the fact that he moved to the other side of the world and left his family and all his friends. Just so he could travel Europe. And to me maybe that shows how we views relationships. He solo travels a lot and meets a lot of people on his travels abroad, but these people are transient friends which makes me think he isn’t so much someone who is likely to settle down…. And maybe that’s why he couldn’t get close to me as he has no desire to do so. He since has a new dating profile which says he’s looking for long term but open to short. 
 

but when we were dating, when I asked him what he was looking for despite this he said ‘oh I haven’t thought of this question but I suppose I want companionship.’ He did point old couple in the corner often on dates and say ‘do you see yourself with the same person for 50 years?’ To which I replied ‘I hope so, what about you?’ And he said ‘it is a very long time isn’t it.’ And he also said ‘what even is dating, when do you say this is my girlfriend.’

annoying. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah and that’s my problem. I live in an area where basically the young population is non existent. So being a woman in my late 20s, there’s no single men here. So when I met this guy and we genuinely had a connection, I felt happy excited but also relieved. 
 

one other thing I’ve reflected on, is the fact that he moved to the other side of the world and left his family and all his friends. Just so he could travel Europe. And to me maybe that shows how we views relationships. He solo travels a lot and meets a lot of people on his travels abroad, but these people are transient friends which makes me think he isn’t so much someone who is likely to settle down…. And maybe that’s why he couldn’t get close to me as he has no desire to do so. He since has a new dating profile which says he’s looking for long term but open to short. 
 

but when we were dating, when I asked him what he was looking for despite this he said ‘oh I haven’t thought of this question but I suppose I want companionship.’ He did point old couple in the corner often on dates and say ‘do you see yourself with the same person for 50 years?’ To which I replied ‘I hope so, what about you?’ And he said ‘it is a very long time isn’t it.’ And he also said ‘what even is dating, when do you say this is my girlfriend.’

annoying. 

Yeah, I love travelling but people who live on the road tend to be quite promiscuous and blow with the wind. It's not very conducive to getting into long-term relationships.

[PeachPalm1]

21 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah, I love travelling but people who live on the road tend to be quite promiscuous and blow with the wind. It's not very conducive to getting into long-term relationships.

Well he has his own flat and a good job but the rest of his life is centred around travel. When we were dating, he was constantly going away every few weeks. I feel like he likes very transient connections with people  

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well he has his own flat and a good job but the rest of his life is centred around travel. When we were dating, he was constantly going away every few weeks. I feel like he likes very transient connections with people  

Sounds like it. He could be protecting himself from some sort of pain etc but he's not really in your life so it's not useful to try and unpack his life story.

At the end of the day he didn't want to pursue something further with you so the reasons why are largely academic, that's his bag to deal with but it's irrelevant to you at this point.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Sounds like it. He could be protecting himself from some sort of pain etc but he's not really in your life so it's not useful to try and unpack his life story.

At the end of the day he didn't want to pursue something further with you so the reasons why are largely academic, that's his bag to deal with but it's irrelevant to you at this point.

It just feels relevant as it concerns me

 

the past week I’ve been back on the dating apps and I don’t know what’s happened but I just don’t feel attracted to anyone. And that’s worrying me. I’m worried this will be a permanent thing for me and this is now who I am. Someone who feels utterly nothing to any man and that thought scares me as feeling attraction to someone is something I crave. I want to date someone new 

[happyhorizons]

5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It just feels relevant as it concerns me

 

the past week I’ve been back on the dating apps and I don’t know what’s happened but I just don’t feel attracted to anyone. And that’s worrying me. I’m worried this will be a permanent thing for me and this is now who I am. Someone who feels utterly nothing to any man and that thought scares me as feeling attraction to someone is something I crave. I want to date someone new 

PP, you need to give yourself some time. I am certain things will differently a few months from now. TIME has a wonderful ability to bring thinks into focus😊😊😊

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It just feels relevant as it concerns me

 

the past week I’ve been back on the dating apps and I don’t know what’s happened but I just don’t feel attracted to anyone. And that’s worrying me. I’m worried this will be a permanent thing for me and this is now who I am. Someone who feels utterly nothing to any man and that thought scares me as feeling attraction to someone is something I crave. I want to date someone new 

The dating apps are a dumpster fire for the most part. When I broke up with my ex it felt even more like I had made the wrong decision when I started swiping again and remembered what single life was like.

A lot of people suck, a lot of people are boring/crazy/weirdos. This is the reality. You just have to find one that isn't.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

PP, you need to give yourself some time. I am certain things will differently a few months from now. TIME has a wonderful ability to bring thinks into focus😊😊😊

He ended things In December. It took me 1.5 years to get over my ex. But then this guy came back in March, and I’m not lying when I say he’s like the only guy in the area who is attractive. Ugh. I know time heals but I want it to happen faster and I’m worried that I won’t heal ever. Because healing from my ex was a full time job, literally put al my time and effort into it. And felt ready to date this guy

 

when I met this guy, I talked about hard it’s been to heal from an ex and work on myself to get ready to date but told him I was ready and I don’t want to waste my time or get hurt. And once again I got hurt despite his understanding.

 

even my ex, I was terrified to date when j met him. And I communicated this fear. And he told me ‘you’ve dated shitty men in the past. I’m sorry to hear that but i promise I’ll never treat you that way. I’m a nice guy.’ And he was but then he hurt me too and wouldn’t listen to my needs and wouldn’t let me communicate when I was upset etc, just called me manipulative or pressuring

[PeachPalm1]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

The dating apps are a dumpster fire for the most part. When I broke up with my ex it felt even more like I had made the wrong decision when I started swiping again and remembered what single life was like.

A lot of people suck, a lot of people are boring/crazy/weirdos. This is the reality. You just have to find one that isn't.

That’s how I feel and I’m sooo scared. I know it only takes one.

I want someone who knows that they want a relationship too. Non of this ‘what even is dating’ bullshit that the last guy gave me 

[happyhorizons]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He ended things In December. It took me 1.5 years to get over my ex. But then this guy came back in March, and I’m not lying when I say he’s like the only guy in the area who is attractive. Ugh. I know time heals but I want it to happen faster and I’m worried that I won’t heal ever. Because healing from my ex was a full time job, literally put al my time and effort into it. And felt ready to date this guy

 

when I met this guy, I talked about hard it’s been to heal from an ex and work on myself to get ready to date but told him I was ready and I don’t want to waste my time or get hurt. And once again I got hurt despite his understanding.

 

even my ex, I was terrified to date when j met him. And I communicated this fear. And he told me ‘you’ve dated shitty men in the past. I’m sorry to hear that but i promise I’ll never treat you that way. I’m a nice guy.’ And he was but then he hurt me too and wouldn’t listen to my needs and wouldn’t let me communicate when I was upset etc, just called me manipulative or pressuring

It does not sound like he was a nice guy at all and you are better off without him. You deserve to treated with dignity and respect 

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It does not sound like he was a nice guy at all and you are better off without him. You deserve to treated with dignity and respect 

Yeah I think my ex was some kinda narcissist. He expected so much from me and gave me nothing hack

i Think I liked the last guy more because he wasn’t overly nice. He was quite a serious guy, did nice gestures like cook me dinners etc. just didn’t expect it to end when it did

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

That’s how I feel and I’m sooo scared. I know it only takes one.

I want someone who knows that they want a relationship too. Non of this ‘what even is dating’ bullshit that the last guy gave me 

My therapist used to tell me how fear and excitement were very similar emotions. We're all going to the same place in the end, so it's your choice whether you want to scream with fear or excitement. You could easily take your sentence and chance it to "I'm sooo excited that I'm going to meet new people now". Of course that leaves the potential for something much better, more exciting and more fulfilling than this one, and also that you'll get your heart broken even worse. These are the risks we have to take if you want to find something that's worth it.

[PeachPalm1]

9 minutes ago, FredEire said:

My therapist used to tell me how fear and excitement were very similar emotions. We're all going to the same place in the end, so it's your choice whether you want to scream with fear or excitement. You could easily take your sentence and chance it to "I'm sooo excited that I'm going to meet new people now". Of course that leaves the potential for something much better, more exciting and more fulfilling than this one, and also that you'll get your heart broken even worse. These are the risks we have to take if you want to find something that's worth it.

Yes and I was excited to meet the last guy. I didn’t feel any nerves. It was all excitement and I felt like I was going in all positive. But over time, after every date and he was all distant, I started to become anxious again. I would wait for his text messages and worry id been ghosted. I never worried my ex would ghost me as he gave me reassurance. And with this last guy, the distancing made me feel there was nothing I could do. 
 

even as friends if he messages me, I will never know if he will reply back or not and I hate it 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I want someone who knows that they want a relationship too.

You mean wants a relationship with you. Guys can be honest that they are looking for a relationship but, that doesn't mean they are going to think that you are their person.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You mean wants a relationship with you. Guys can be honest that they are looking for a relationship but, that doesn't mean they are going to think that you are their person.

I know and I understand that.

 

but when me and that guy liked the same things and had all the same hobbies…. Camping, walking, cooking, very into our wines, solo travels, similar career, tennis, similar way of thinking, intelligence, music taste (both love heavy metal gigs)

 

I will never and I mean never find a man that shares all the same or as many interests as that, so any guy I meet now won’t be as compatible as that. And that really hurts 

[happyhorizons]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know and I understand that.

 

but when me and that guy liked the same things and had all the same hobbies…. Camping, walking, cooking, very into our wines, solo travels, similar career, tennis, similar way of thinking, intelligence, music taste (both love heavy metal gigs)

 

I will never and I mean never find a man that shares all the same or as many interests as that, so any guy I meet now won’t be as compatible as that. And that really hurts 

PP, never say never……love again happen from a simple Hello. So, never say never cause NEVER is a long long time