do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

PP, never say never……love again happen from a simple Hello. So, never say never cause NEVER is a long long time

But should I even try date people now that don’t share as many interests as that? Like wouldn’t that be a downgrade?

its worrying me. I also have a mother who went through menopause age 30 so I’m on a time limit as I really want children. And I have signs I will have the same thing. And I don’t want to have them without a partner and it makes me so sad all my friends settling down and they are so lucky. My lifelong dream is to have my own family 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yes and I was excited to meet the last guy. I didn’t feel any nerves. It was all excitement and I felt like I was going in all positive. But over time, after every date and he was all distant, I started to become anxious again. I would wait for his text messages and worry id been ghosted. I never worried my ex would ghost me as he gave me reassurance. And with this last guy, the distancing made me feel there was nothing I could do. 
 

even as friends if he messages me, I will never know if he will reply back or not and I hate it 

Yes but I'm not talking about excitement with this guy, that ship has sailed. I'm talking about excitement for the future.

You need to take all that excitement that's turned into sadness and overthinking, and channel it into something else, even if it's just a hobby. That way you're putting more attractive energy out there.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes but I'm not talking about excitement with this guy, that ship has sailed. I'm talking about excitement for the future.

You need to take all that excitement that's turned into sadness and overthinking, and channel it into something else, even if it's just a hobby. That way you're putting more attractive energy out there.

Part of me wonders if the ship has fully sailed with this guy.

 

I also keep worrying as my whole 20s, I have HATED kissing. Like it’s been like something I despised. And that worried me…

until I met this guy, and it was the most magical and amazing feeling ive ever had kissing him. It’s like my body was saying YES! And I was so excited to explore a sex life with him. And I hate how it all ended so soon. Like I don’t know why we couldn’t have carried on having sex casually because I’d like to get some experience as well with someone I’m comfortable with

I keep thinking about him kissing me and the way he kissed me. I’ve never liked someone in such a way that nothing they can do can turn me off. It’s so weird that’s never happened 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Part of me wonders if the ship has fully sailed with this guy.

 

I also keep worrying as my whole 20s, I have HATED kissing. Like it’s been like something I despised. And that worried me…

until I met this guy, and it was the most magical and amazing feeling ive ever had kissing him. It’s like my body was saying YES! And I was so excited to explore a sex life with him. And I hate how it all ended so soon. Like I don’t know why we couldn’t have carried on having sex casually because I’d like to get some experience as well with someone I’m comfortable with

I keep thinking about him kissing me and the way he kissed me. I’ve never liked someone in such a way that nothing they can do can turn me off. It’s so weird that’s never happened 

It has. I think you've said enough on here that it's pretty clear.

The same happened with me with the last girl I was crazy about, I thought wow I've never kissed anyone like this before. Everything about her seemed special. I don't actually think there was anything that special about her kisses, or your guys kisses, but it's some effect that infatuation has on your brain.

But then it all ended pretty unpleasantly on the second date. We didn't sleep together and I didn't get to know her at all well really.

As does that still bother me? I'd be lying if I said that it didn't, because for me as much as you it's rare to meet someone who has that effect on me.

But I've done a lot of dating since then. You're not going to magically get over him quickly, but the first step is accepting it's over, no more has the ship really sailed? Just accept that unfortunately it has sailed and you need to look the the future and meeting someone better.

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know and I understand that.

 

but when me and that guy liked the same things and had all the same hobbies…. Camping, walking, cooking, very into our wines, solo travels, similar career, tennis, similar way of thinking, intelligence, music taste (both love heavy metal gigs)

 

I will never and I mean never find a man that shares all the same or as many interests as that, so any guy I meet now won’t be as compatible as that. And that really hurts 

You don't know that.  The things you mentioned are hobbies that a lot of people share, even between friends who connect through those hobbies.   There are people who do not have compatible hobbies who are head over heels in love with each other.  That is what's missing between you and this guy that you've put on a pedestal.

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You don't know that.  The things you mentioned are hobbies that a lot of people share, even between friends who connect through those hobbies.   There are people who do not have compatible hobbies who are head over heels in love with each other.  That is what's missing between you and this guy that you've put on a pedestal.

Yes, I like all of those things too and have several friends who are also into that. You're not talking about obscure 15th century French literature. I think it's more that the infatuation blows out of proportion how connected and similar to him you felt, down to thinking he was the best kisser in the world.

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You don't know that.  The things you mentioned are hobbies that a lot of people share, even between friends who connect through those hobbies.   There are people who do not have compatible hobbies who are head over heels in love with each other.  That is what's missing between you and this guy that you've put on a pedestal.

Agree.

Shared hobbies are surfacy ideals compared to breaking bread over fundamental shared love and understanding with a companion with whom you can bare your soul, fears, loves, transformation and hope.

If you get on lonely rants online here, then you know there is something much larger under the surface that you need to address. It's a void that bubbled up before  you met this guy and will bubble up after you date someone else. So work towards addressing the core issues rather than distracting yourself with man catching and filling the void. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But should I even try date people now that don’t share as many interests as that? Like wouldn’t that be a downgrade?

its worrying me. I also have a mother who went through menopause age 30 so I’m on a time limit as I really want children. And I have signs I will have the same thing. And I don’t want to have them without a partner and it makes me so sad all my friends settling down and they are so lucky. My lifelong dream is to have my own family 

This is very tough to read. I wished to have a family to, I've kissed that dream goodbye. The only comfort I can try give you is to believe in yourself, be confident as possible, present well but never settle. 

Unfortunately and I believe some are just luckier at love than others.

[PeachPalm1]

52 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree.

Shared hobbies are surfacy ideals compared to breaking bread over fundamental shared love and understanding with a companion with whom you can bare your soul, fears, loves, transformation and hope.

If you get on lonely rants online here, then you know there is something much larger under the surface that you need to address. It's a void that bubbled up before  you met this guy and will bubble up after you date someone else. So work towards addressing the core issues rather than distracting yourself with man catching and filling the void. 

I hope I find that one day. I hope I’m not broken inside. Like I feel like I am a very sensitive caring person with a lot of love to give . Lonely rants? I vent because I feel confused and lost about love. It’s only been the last few years after my ex dumped me I felt this way 

 

with my ex I had no anxiety early days. I slept so well at night knowing he would be there for me the next day. I could tell him how I was feeling, if I felt poorly, if I was worried about something, what I was insecure about. Until he changed himself. And he told me he was using me. And ever since it’s made me doubt everything about love. I get anxious when dating anyone, I prefer people who are a bit avoidant now it seems, because they don’t smother me . I’m aware of all this and I hope that one day I will be open to love again like my ex 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I hope I find that one day. I hope I’m not broken inside. Like I feel like I am a very sensitive caring person with a lot of love to give . Lonely rants? I vent because I feel confused and lost about love. It’s only been the last few years after my ex dumped me I felt this way 

 

with my ex I had no anxiety early days. I slept so well at night knowing he would be there for me the next day. I could tell him how I was feeling, if I felt poorly, if I was worried about something, what I was insecure about. Until he changed himself. And he told me he was using me. And ever since it’s made me doubt everything about love. I get anxious when dating anyone, I prefer people who are a bit avoidant now it seems, because they don’t smother me . I’m aware of all this and I hope that one day I will be open to love again like my ex 

Can I be straight with you? You know what you're doing, right. In this thread you've pretty much indicated no matter what anyone else says, you're going to do it your way. You come across as someone who is just here to find people who feels the same way as you do, or are just as hurt, or just as negative.

You're not open to anyone, not with the negativity you have and definitely not with the mindset of "yeah but I didn't do anything wrong, so yeah, do it your way". You seem stuck on this negative cycle of indecisiveness and you're just here to find people who will further it with you.

It's manipulative, and a little sad to watch. Not sure or that I believe that is your intention but that's what's happening. You're responding to any level of heartfelt criticism with "trying to understand" but in reality all you're trying to do is find people with the same echo to further your mindset. 

[FredEire]

58 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Can I be straight with you? You know what you're doing, right. In this thread you've pretty much indicated no matter what anyone else says, you're going to do it your way. You come across as someone who is just here to find people who feels the same way as you do, or are just as hurt, or just as negative.

You're not open to anyone, not with the negativity you have and definitely not with the mindset of "yeah but I didn't do anything wrong, so yeah, do it your way". You seem stuck on this negative cycle of indecisiveness and you're just here to find people who will further it with you.

It's manipulative, and a little sad to watch. Not sure or that I believe that is your intention but that's what's happening. You're responding to any level of heartfelt criticism with "trying to understand" but in reality all you're trying to do is find people with the same echo to further your mindset. 

I think OP mentioned they were on another forum and they thought this was her fault and she had red flags etc. So probably the intention was to come here and hear she wasn't actually like this and provide some comforting reason why he didn't want to get serious.

So fwiw I don't think it you'd done anything different OP there would have been a different outcome, you just didn't push his buttons for wanting a serious relationship, whatever those are. And even if you knew you shouldn't fake who you are to placate this guy, you have to be loved warts n all.

But I don't think anyone is going to blow smoke up your bum and say you are a flawless person either, clearly you have quite a lot to work on if you want to be the best possible partner in the future, most of all confidence and self-esteem.

Edited May 27 by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I hope I find that one day. I hope I’m not broken inside. Like I feel like I am a very sensitive caring person with a lot of love to give .

I think you don’t even read what people are telling you,

I feel like talking to a wall.

This is a total ZA Dater thread déjà vu😒

 

Edited May 28 by Gebidozo

[evillover]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I think you don’t even read what people are telling you,

I feel like talking to a wall.

This is a total ZA Dater thread déjà vu😒

 

I agree with this, no matter how many advices we gave at the end of the day it's up to them if they will take it or not. 

[NuevoYorko]

Your original question, do attractive women get "friend zoned:"   YES. This guy said you had some things in common etc.  Maybe you could have been friends.  Unfortunately, you do not seem to be "friend material" for anyone because as the other posters here have said, you do not engage with people in a way that is meaningful.  So, you are not friends OR lovers with this person now.

It's like you are just by yourself typing over and over and over and over hoping that, like an echo chamber, you'll hear nothing but affirmations coming back at you.  It seems as if you could go on like this for eternity,  not acknowledging any of the things that people have contributed in attempts to help you understand what happened.

Again:  he was never into you and he also never behaved as if he was into you.  Your contact with him was minimal. The end.  

Except I anticipate you will carry on speaking into the void, hoping to hear those echos.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I hope I’m not broken inside.

What do you hope to gain from repeating this over and over and over? 

[introverted1]

I can't believe this has gone on for 18 pages! This has to be some sort of record in repetition.

OP, it does not seem to have occurred to you that the behaviors you display in this thread -- attention-seeking, arguing, making assertions only to walk them back, inability to reflect, insecurity -- are also apparent to the men you date.  And that this could be why someone initially feels drawn to you but then, as he learns more about you, decides to shut things down. 

Being attractive might get you a date, but it isn't enough for an emotionally healthy person to choose to build a relationship with.

Rather than continuing to argue against all the advice and input you've received, take some time to truly think about what everyone is saying.  Perhaps you need the help of a trained professional to do this and become a healthy partner.  Otherwise, I fear you are doomed to more of the same in your dating life.

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I can't believe this has gone on for 18 pages! This has to be some sort of record in repetition.

OP, it does not seem to have occurred to you that the behaviors you display in this thread -- attention-seeking, arguing, making assertions only to walk them back, inability to reflect, insecurity -- are also apparent to the men you date.  And that this could be why someone initially feels drawn to you but then, as he learns more about you, decides to shut things down. 

Being attractive might get you a date, but it isn't enough for an emotionally healthy person to choose to build a relationship with.

Rather than continuing to argue against all the advice and input you've received, take some time to truly think about what everyone is saying.  Perhaps you need the help of a trained professional to do this and become a healthy partner.  Otherwise, I fear you are doomed to more of the same in your dating life.

 

I am reflecting, I really am and that’s why I made this post. Just to make sense of what happens as it still feels kinda raw. I’m not seeking any attention, just trying to make sense of what happened. I’m just upset with no one to talk about this. I do have a therapist, and had one since my last relationship too and we work through like self esteem stuff. I do feel better for it but this guy ending things kinda set me off again because I was so happy and excited. I am not seeking attention, but merely seeking reassurance and seeing if anyone else has gone through something similar, hence title of my post.

 

I have reflected on this last thing and have decided it must have been a him thing, I showed no insecurity, neediness or anything and as dates were just 2 hours long each time. He doesn’t know the real me yet, so it’s not personal. Feel a lot more positive. I forgot to mention when we were dating , he had some life changing stuff happen after the 4 date mark. Which meant I didn’t see him again for 6 weeks. In that time, I didn’t message him first, told him I was there to listen if he needed me. And when he came back, that’s when I felt things were different. And I know I was showing up in a good respectful way at that point. I’m going to move on thinking I did my best. 
 

it’s just the rejection that has stung me. And I had a bad week now I feel a bit better 

 

I do have a healtb condition which causes me a lot of problems including on the last date we ever had. I had a really bad night of it and I wasn’t myself. Like I didn’t want to kiss or cuddle and just wanted to go to sleep. I think I also was upset that he ended things after that date because that couldn’t be helped, I got sick halfway through the night 

Edited May 28 by PeachPalm1

[FredEire]

37 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I can't believe this has gone on for 18 pages! This has to be some sort of record in repetition.

OP, it does not seem to have occurred to you that the behaviors you display in this thread -- attention-seeking, arguing, making assertions only to walk them back, inability to reflect, insecurity -- are also apparent to the men you date.  And that this could be why someone initially feels drawn to you but then, as he learns more about you, decides to shut things down. 

Being attractive might get you a date, but it isn't enough for an emotionally healthy person to choose to build a relationship with.

Rather than continuing to argue against all the advice and input you've received, take some time to truly think about what everyone is saying.  Perhaps you need the help of a trained professional to do this and become a healthy partner.  Otherwise, I fear you are doomed to more of the same in your dating life.

 

I think "Perspective" has it beaten but just about. There are some similar themes in both threads I think.

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I am reflecting, I really am and that’s why I made this post. Just to make sense of what happens as it still feels kinda raw. I’m not seeking any attention, just trying to make sense of what happened. I’m just upset with no one to talk about this. I do have a therapist, and had one since my last relationship too and we work through like self esteem stuff. I do feel better for it but this guy ending things kinda set me off again because I was so happy and excited. I am not seeking attention, but merely seeking reassurance and seeing if anyone else has gone through something similar, hence title of my post.

 

I have reflected on this last thing and have decided it must have been a him thing, I showed no insecurity, neediness or anything and as dates were just 2 hours long each time. He doesn’t know the real me yet, so it’s not personal. Feel a lot more positive. I forgot to mention when we were dating , he had some life changing stuff happen after the 4 date mark. Which meant I didn’t see him again for 6 weeks. In that time, I didn’t message him first, told him I was there to listen if he needed me. And when he came back, that’s when I felt things were different. And I know I was showing up in a good respectful way at that point. I’m going to move on thinking I did my best. 
 

it’s just the rejection that has stung me. And I had a bad week now I feel a bit better 

 

I do have a healtb condition which causes me a lot of problems including on the last date we ever had. I had a really bad night of it and I wasn’t myself. Like I didn’t want to kiss or cuddle and just wanted to go to sleep. I think I also was upset that he ended things after that date because that couldn’t be helped, I got sick halfway through the night 

I think you need to put your pride aside, it's not a "him" thing per se. Calling all your exes trash and toxic isn't a good way to process things IMO because it lacks personal accountability.

The key thing is everyone wants to date someone who has their s*** together. It's hard to date someone who has an emotional void, basically having to take on their baggage and potentially deal with emotional outbursts and projection further down the line. And when you throw in marriage and babies it's a whole can of worms that can really bring the pain. If people get a sense of that it can be really off-putting.

That's why the stuff you're going through is your cross to bear. No man is going to fix you or make you happy, only put a band aid on it for a time. And no matter how in love with him you are those issues are going to come back and negatively affect your relationship.

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think you need to put your pride aside, it's not a "him" thing per se. Calling all your exes trash and toxic isn't a good way to process things IMO because it lacks personal accountability.

The key thing is everyone wants to date someone who has their s*** together. It's hard to date someone who has an emotional void, basically having to take on their baggage and potentially deal with emotional outbursts and projection further down the line. And when you throw in marriage and babies it's a whole can of worms that can really bring the pain. If people get a sense of that it can be really off-putting.

That's why the stuff you're going through is your cross to bear. No man is going to fix you or make you happy, only put a band aid on it for a time. And no matter how in love with him you are those issues are going to come back and negatively affect your relationship.

I haven’t called anyone trash or toxic  haven’t used those words at all

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I haven’t called anyone trash or toxic  haven’t used those words at all

Sorry I'm exaggerating but I'm referring to you saying it's all a "him" thing. A relationship is always a two-way dynamic.

[PeachPalm1]

22 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Sorry I'm exaggerating but I'm referring to you saying it's all a "him" thing. A relationship is always a two-way dynamic.

No i know that, but the fact that the night before we had first even met and he wasn’t replying to my texts when I asked him for confirmation that we are still meeting… he hadn’t even met me yet and he was acting strange and that was the start of the dynamic. Which suggests it is a him thing as at that point it certainly wasn’t me as we’d only exchanged a couple of messages before he asked me on a date. 

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No i know that, but the fact that the night before we had first even met and he wasn’t replying to my texts when I asked him for confirmation that we are still meeting… he hadn’t even met me yet and he was acting strange and that was the start of the dynamic. Which suggests it is a him thing as at that point it certainly wasn’t me as we’d only exchanged a couple of messages before he asked me on a date. 

Sure, nothing you've posted suggests he was particularly open to a relationship so I don't think you "messed it up". Maybe another lesson is if you're getting weird off putting vibes from the beginning listen to your gut.

But a healthier reaction to all this would just be "OK his loss, moving on". The fact you are still hung up on this guy suggests you have a lot to work on yourself, that he touched some deeply held insecurities and it's affected you a lot more than it ought to have.

In other words it's not just a "him thing", it was a mutually unhealthy dynamic and you need to work on that unhealthy stuff on your end and let him get on with his stuff whatever that may be, letting go of this "friendship" being the first step.

[PeachPalm1]

14 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Sure, nothing you've posted suggests he was particularly open to a relationship so I don't think you "messed it up". Maybe another lesson is if you're getting weird off putting vibes from the beginning listen to your gut.

But a healthier reaction to all this would just be "OK his loss, moving on". The fact you are still hung up on this guy suggests you have a lot to work on yourself, that he touched some deeply held insecurities and it's affected you a lot more than it ought to have.

In other words it's not just a "him thing", it was a mutually unhealthy dynamic and you need to work on that unhealthy stuff on your end and let him get on with his stuff whatever that may be, letting go of this "friendship" being the first step.

I think it’s because my friends and family were so happy for me. People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’ My mom was begging me to meet him which was putting pressure on it as I wasn’t ready yet. I met his friends and they were excited for us too. I’ve never really had that before and I felt looked after and comfortable and my friends were like ‘this is your time after the way your ex treated you.’ And so I felt anxious and a bit guarded but still very excited. I didn’t want to show that I liked him so much and I didn’t want to get attached but that was inevitable

 

So it’s just me struggling to make sense of it all. Even though he was distant, he was different on dates and that made me feel confused. Like did he like me or did he not 

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think it’s because my friends and family were so happy for me. People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’ My mom was begging me to meet him which was putting pressure on it as I wasn’t ready yet. I met his friends and they were excited for us too. I’ve never really had that before and I felt looked after and comfortable and my friends were like ‘this is your time after the way your ex treated you.’ And so I felt anxious and a bit guarded but still very excited. I didn’t want to show that I liked him so much and I didn’t want to get attached but that was inevitable

 

So it’s just me struggling to make sense of it all. Even though he was distant, he was different on dates and that made me feel confused. Like did he like me or did he not 

With all respect to them, it matters not a jot what expectations others have about you. It's your life, your journey and they don't know what's going on for you.

It's probably a bit of both. But in dating half-in is not enough unfortunately. Eventually those people will leave your life and your heart in pieces.