do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No i know that, but the fact that the night before we had first even met and he wasn’t replying to my texts when I asked him for confirmation that we are still meeting… he hadn’t even met me yet and he was acting strange and that was the start of the dynamic. 

THIS IS NOT "ACTING STRANGE."  THIS IS BLINDINGLY SIGNALING THAT THE GUY IS NOT VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.  

The "dynamic" is you INSISTING on making something out of this that it was not EVER.  Which requires you to completely ignore the other person because you're busy cramming them into your fantasy. 

Jesus freaking christ.  

[NuevoYorko]

32 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think it’s because my friends and family were so happy for me. People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’

Yeah.  Because you told them that you "found someone" and they were "nice" and you were in a relationship.

Unfortunately that was not the case ever.   It was what you WANTED it to be.  

 

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yeah.  Because you told them that you "found someone" and they were "nice" and you were in a relationship.

Unfortunately that was not the case ever.   It was what you WANTED it to be.  

 

I didn’t, i told them I was going on some dates with someone but that he was being a bit hot and cold. And they said ‘don’t write him off just yet, relax and see where it goes.’ My mom had the idea to get him a little gift, as he said he missed a food item he can’t get in this country. It only was cheap but I randomly came across it in a world food shop round the corner from me so I bought him it. I think my family was excited for me and wanted me to show more appreciation for him. My mom even told my hairdresser that I was ‘seeing someone’ and that they talked about how I need to me a bit more loving. My mom doesn’t think I show enough affection and she said ‘make sure you don’t treat him like a brother!’ 

[PeachPalm1]

21 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

THIS IS NOT "ACTING STRANGE."  THIS IS BLINDINGLY SIGNALING THAT THE GUY IS NOT VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.  

The "dynamic" is you INSISTING on making something out of this that it was not EVER.  Which requires you to completely ignore the other person because you're busy cramming them into your fantasy. 

Jesus freaking christ.  

Well, it’s normal to not be super interested before you’ve met someone in person so I wasn’t going to write him off at that point. Like even my ex, I almost cancelled the date as I wasn’t feeling it but then I met him and he grew on me. 

[NuevoYorko]

 

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t, i told them I was going on some dates with someone but that he was being a bit hot and cold. And they said ‘don’t write him off just yet, relax and see where it goes.’ My mom had the idea to get him a little gift, as he said he missed a food item he can’t get in this country. It only was cheap but I randomly came across it in a world food shop round the corner from me so I bought him it. I think my family was excited for me and wanted me to show more appreciation for him. My mom even told my hairdresser that I was ‘seeing someone’ and that they talked about how I need to me a bit more loving. My mom doesn’t think I show enough affection and she said ‘make sure you don’t treat him like a brother!’ 

So what?  You have a voluminous tome of a thread here based on interactions with a guy that barely even constitute "dating," much less a "relationship."   How your friends and family reacted to whatever you told them is not even pertinent in any way.  

Once again, I will quote from your very first post in this thread, which contains ALL the information you needed to know:

Quote

he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks.

This is the story of how you started off your very SHORT dating episode with this guy.  

A "nothingburger."  

Yet - here you still are, draining it for every speck of attention it can get you.  And here I am, responding to this tedious bait yet one more time.  So ... good job!

 

[NuevoYorko]

By the way, this happens to everyone who is dating with a goal of finding a good relationship partner for themselves.   It has nothing to do with your level of lovableness.  

Where you do come into play is in your refusal to take on the information this guy was giving you very openly:  That he was not moving in a direction of a relationship with you.  

Same way you are refusing to take on any of the words people here are saying to you.

You just keep repeating, and repeating, and repeating.

Have you ever tried to get  help through counseling / therapy of some kind?   You really need to take other people into consideration, if you wish to interact and not be isolated in your life.

 

 

[FredEire]

16 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t, i told them I was going on some dates with someone but that he was being a bit hot and cold. And they said ‘don’t write him off just yet, relax and see where it goes.’ My mom had the idea to get him a little gift, as he said he missed a food item he can’t get in this country. It only was cheap but I randomly came across it in a world food shop round the corner from me so I bought him it. I think my family was excited for me and wanted me to show more appreciation for him. My mom even told my hairdresser that I was ‘seeing someone’ and that they talked about how I need to me a bit more loving. My mom doesn’t think I show enough affection and she said ‘make sure you don’t treat him like a brother!’ 

Don't pay any mind to what they say. I personally keep my dating life away from most of my family, except my brother who I know I can talk to and he won't put his oar in one way or another.

I think the hot/cold thing is what drove you crazy, because it appealed to the part of you that thinks you may be unloveable, but there was just enough carrot there that it also appealed to your ego, if I could just win him over, it would prove that I'm definitely loveable! I know because I've been through the same thing.

But until you address the internalised belief that you are unloveable, you are probably going to meet either the same type of guy or ones you are not interested in. I've never heard anyone in a steady LTR say "Yeah he/she was really hot and cold at first but I won them over", it always seems to be that they hit it off pretty much immediately. That's what you want.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I get anxious when dating anyone, I prefer people who are a bit avoidant now it seems, because they don’t smother me . I’m aware of all this and I hope that one day I will be open to love again like my ex 

You want to go back with your ex who told you he was just using you?

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Part of me wonders if the ship has fully sailed with this guy.

Yes, it has and you need to make an appointment with your therapist to see if she can help you get this through your head.  After almost 20 pages of saying the same thing here on LS it is clear that professional help is what you need.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yes, it has and you need to make an appointment with your therapist to see if she can help you get this through your head.  After almost 20 pages of saying the same thing here on LS it is clear that professional help is what you need.

No I promise I’m fine, just venting my feelings here. I was feeling bad due to some other stressors in my life. Venting is my way to relieve them. I have a therapist and I have ocd so I have cycles of rumination, which is worse sometimes. But I’m actually moving on ok even if it sounds like I’m not. I don’t want to talk on this thread anymore as it’s fuelling ocd cycle. 

[PeachPalm1]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You want to go back with your ex who told you he was just using you?

And no I don’t, but I would like to be able to feel what I did toward him, with someone else. Dating him made me feel light and happy and I had no anxiety. And that’s what I hope tobhave next time. I don’t want to comment on thread anymore. This is the last thing 

[PeachPalm1]

19 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Don't pay any mind to what they say. I personally keep my dating life away from most of my family, except my brother who I know I can talk to and he won't put his oar in one way or another.

I think the hot/cold thing is what drove you crazy, because it appealed to the part of you that thinks you may be unloveable, but there was just enough carrot there that it also appealed to your ego, if I could just win him over, it would prove that I'm definitely loveable! I know because I've been through the same thing.

But until you address the internalised belief that you are unloveable, you are probably going to meet either the same type of guy or ones you are not interested in. I've never heard anyone in a steady LTR say "Yeah he/she was really hot and cold at first but I won them over", it always seems to be that they hit it off pretty much immediately. That's what you want.

I live with my parents you see, so it’s hard to hide where I’m going when I tell my parents my whereabouts. And he would pick me up from my house. Maybe you’re right, it must be about the hot and cold thing which does something to my brain. Like dopamine or something, and when he finally messaged me or asked me out , I had dopamine hit. That’s the science behind it. I’m reading up on it and it’s very interesting. Because I know my ex was using me, but he was more consistent and I felt a lot more at peace, and didn’t have this anxiety feeling.

 

I don’t want to comment on this thread anymore. But thank for input 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’

That’s such a condescending thing to say. Like you aren’t quite “whole” unless you “find someone”. This kind of thinking might just be one of the reasons why you’re taking it so disproportionately hard.

 

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Like did he like me or did he not 

Who cares? He left you, he didn’t want to be with you. End of story. Get over the freaking guy already! Goodness gracious…😬

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t want to comment on thread anymore. This is the last thing 

Okay, if you want to close this thread you can go to the 3 little dots in the upper right hand corner and tell the Mods to close it.

[Gebidozo]

36 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

By the way, this happens to everyone who is dating with a goal of finding a good relationship partner for themselves.

Absolutely. Anyone who wants something will always end up disappointed and miserable. You have a chance at being happy in a relationship only if you want someone.

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I live with my parents you see, so it’s hard to hide where I’m going when I tell my parents my whereabouts. And he would pick me up from my house. Maybe you’re right, it must be about the hot and cold thing which does something to my brain. Like dopamine or something, and when he finally messaged me or asked me out , I had dopamine hit. That’s the science behind it. I’m reading up on it and it’s very interesting. Because I know my ex was using me, but he was more consistent and I felt a lot more at peace, and didn’t have this anxiety feeling.

 

I don’t want to comment on this thread anymore. But thank for input 

Yes, that's exactly it. In my experience I got exactly the same thing, getting overly excited and happy when they texted, getting so down if I hadn't heard much for a couple of days or got a very brief seemingly disinterested reply. It's very much a drug.

If someone is consistent as you say you won't have that same emotional rollercoaster, but you're not going to question them or feel you need to "win" them over or chase them. Fwiw I think if you had gotten into a relationship the same dance would have continued. Him pulling away and leaving you in the depths then moving close just long enough to give you your dopamine hit. It's the unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about.

Ok, best of luck. It will take you a while to sort this out. Maybe bring some of the thoughts raised in this thread up in counselling and see where it leads you. Apart from that be patient with yourself and definitely put and end to your "friendship" with this guy.

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes, that's exactly it. In my experience I got exactly the same thing, getting overly excited and happy when they texted, getting so down if I hadn't heard much for a couple of days or got a very brief seemingly disinterested reply. It's very much a drug.

If someone is consistent as you say you won't have that same emotional rollercoaster, but you're not going to question them or feel you need to "win" them over or chase them. Fwiw I think if you had gotten into a relationship the same dance would have continued. Him pulling away and leaving you in the depths then moving close just long enough to give you your dopamine hit. It's the unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about.

Ok, best of luck. It will take you a while to sort this out. Maybe bring some of the thoughts raised in this thread up in counselling and see where it leads you. Apart from that be patient with yourself and definitely put and end to your "friendship" with this guy.

One last question before I ask to close thread.. do you think this hot and cold behaviour of his was probably intentional? Like do some guys know how to capture a women’s attention and hook them in this way?

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes, that's exactly it. In my experience I got exactly the same thing, getting overly excited and happy when they texted, getting so down if I hadn't heard much for a couple of days or got a very brief seemingly disinterested reply. It's very much a drug.

If someone is consistent as you say you won't have that same emotional rollercoaster, but you're not going to question them or feel you need to "win" them over or chase them. Fwiw I think if you had gotten into a relationship the same dance would have continued. Him pulling away and leaving you in the depths then moving close just long enough to give you your dopamine hit. It's the unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about.

Ok, best of luck. It will take you a while to sort this out. Maybe bring some of the thoughts raised in this thread up in counselling and see where it leads you. Apart from that be patient with yourself and definitely put and end to your "friendship" with this guy.

And also lastly, I don’t think it will take me much longer to sort it out, despite the thoughts in my post, basically I have been venting kinda things I’ve wondered about. I’ve actually spent 6 months healing and working on myself. I just had a bad day last week after something happened. (I’m job hunting at the moment and I have way too much spare time until my career resumes again and it’s not doing good having all this time to think). And it set me off but weirdly I woke up this morning not that bothered by it all. I know I will meet someone eventually who wants me from the start. I’ve come a long long way after healing from my ex. In fact I even approached this currently dating situation in a completely different way (basically focusing on my career, friendships, and hobbies above dating that guy so that I had other things to focus on.), I still got attached of course but I feel it was the weird nature of the situation I had with this guy. I’ve seen my friends become just like me with hot and cold guys too. 

I actually feel a lot more positive. I feel like this thread makes it look like I’m really struggling but I just wanted to vent about the situation before I move on. I don’t think him coming back to be friends helped, even though I thought it would. I have deleted his number now

[FredEire]

24 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last question before I ask to close thread.. do you think this hot and cold behaviour of his was probably intentional? Like do some guys know how to capture a women’s attention and hook them in this way?

There are guys out there who "game" women with this kind of behaviour. Based on what you said I don't think so, I think he was probably just all over the place and not at all sure what he wanted. I've met a lot of them travelling, and you said he was one of them. A lost soul.

It seems you may have had a bit of "broken wing syndrome" as well, wanting to fix him in some way and be fixed yourself through him.

Edited May 28 by FredEire

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And also lastly, I don’t think it will take me much longer to sort it out, despite the thoughts in my post, basically I have been venting kinda things I’ve wondered about. I’ve actually spent 6 months healing and working on myself. I just had a bad day last week after something happened. (I’m job hunting at the moment and I have way too much spare time until my career resumes again and it’s not doing good having all this time to think). And it set me off but weirdly I woke up this morning not that bothered by it all. I know I will meet someone eventually who wants me from the start. I’ve come a long long way after healing from my ex. In fact I even approached this currently dating situation in a completely different way (basically focusing on my career, friendships, and hobbies above dating that guy so that I had other things to focus on.), I still got attached of course but I feel it was the weird nature of the situation I had with this guy. I’ve seen my friends become just like me with hot and cold guys too. 

I actually feel a lot more positive. I feel like this thread makes it look like I’m really struggling but I just wanted to vent about the situation before I move on. I don’t think him coming back to be friends helped, even though I thought it would. I have deleted his number now

Good for you! Sounds like you are on the right track.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

There are guys out there who "game" women with this kind of behaviour. Based on what you said I don't think so, I think he was probably just all over the place and not at all sure what he wanted. I've met a lot of them travelling, and you said he was one of them. A lost soul.

It seems you may have had a bit of "broken wing syndrome" as well, wanting to fix him in some way and be fixed yourself through him.

I never wanted to fix him. I actually thought he was very mature and well to do, successful, capable man. I didn’t see him as someone who needed fixing, genuinely. I felt he was the opposite of my ex. My ex was struggling with finances and never took me on a date, which I was understanding of for a while, but I genuinely wanted to ‘fix’ my ex I realised. I wanted to do everything for him but more selfishly so he would be in a better position to date me. I reflected on this and completely aware of it. I would never do that again. That’s why with this guy, I was supportive but I didn’t like do things so he would stay with me. I could have done, but I chose not to and to be more authentic. I was confident he was someone able to sort themselves out and that was one of his traits that most attracted me to him. 
 

I never felt broken myself dating him. I did worry I wasn’t good enough but I never said anything of the sorts. It’s just he had such a good career, very busy life with hobbies, when I was stuck in a job I didn’t like and worried that I was boring whilst job hunting. I think my main problem in life right now is I feel unfulfilled as I am job hunting 

 

maybe things will come together soon. I hope my job gets better too

[ZA Dater]

Must say this thread resonates with me, you feel some hope which is basically false hope. The best advice I can give you as someone who is going through this at the moment is to try find positives to distract yourself.

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Must say this thread resonates with me, you feel some hope which is basically false hope. The best advice I can give you as someone who is going through this at the moment is to try find positives to distract yourself.

All the OP needs is the RIGHT guy to date. It’s really that simple. She will be fine I do believe 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

All the OP needs is the RIGHT guy to date. It’s really that simple. She will be fine I do believe 

You don't have any sense that she may be self -sabotaging, inadvertently, by refusing (whether intentionally or subconsciously, who knows) to actually react to what the other person has put forth in their interactions with one another?

I would see this as an absolute roadblock for anyone who is behaving this way.

If they won't "hear" a guy telling them that he does not feel romantic towards her, and won't "hear" any of the things people are saying on this thread ... what is the magical formula a man will possess that will make him the "right" fit for her?

I stand by my belief that any healthy relationship and a lot of unhealthy ones require the participation of both / all people involved to even exist.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You don't have any sense that she may be self -sabotaging, inadvertently, by refusing (whether intentionally or subconsciously, who knows) to actually react to what the other person has put forth in their interactions with one another?

I would see this as an absolute roadblock for anyone who is behaving this way.

If they won't "hear" a guy telling them that he does not feel romantic towards her, and won't "hear" any of the things people are saying on this thread ... what is the magical formula a man will possess that will make him the "right" fit for her?

I stand by my belief that any healthy relationship and a lot of unhealthy ones require the participation of both / all people involved to even exist.

I was aware of the signs when we were dating. The slow replies, the hot and cold and I raised it with him. I discussed it with my friend. He was going through something difficult at the same time as it all happening too so I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to bring it up. I politely addressed the subject and that I needed more communication and he did improve. Deep down I kinda knew maybe he didn’t like me and I was making excuses. Especially made more confusing by the fact he seemed so into me in person so I thought he was just a bad texter, and a busy guy.

 

I do understand that he said he didn’t feel romantic, it’s just hard for me to understand the why. Especially as I didn’t get the closure I needed, and especially as it felt like a kick in the teeth after my ex before me told me he never fell in love with me.