do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[basil67]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

I can’t put my finger on what makes me feel attraction but it happens rarely 

Ultimately, this is the reason you have so few options.  

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ultimately, this is the reason you have so few options.  

I know it’s making me panic. I used to think I was asexual. I would date guys and just didn’t want to have sex. Like I didn’t even know what getting turned on felt like.

 

and now I’m worried I’m doomed because of it. I feel like though it’s just a very small dating pool scraping the bottom of the barrel in my town and a few friends feel the same way who are single. The uk has some very unattractive people, like most men tbh 

 

fortubtely the last guy, one of the first guys I’ve ever felt desire for to have sex. And it was very exciting for me and I was excited to explore having a sex life but it all ended too soon. Had my first ever big O in my life with this guy too, which was amazing 

Edited May 23, 2024 by PeachPalm1

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Maybe, this THING with HIM is more of a lust/infatuation driven desire????? There are more descriptive terms that could be used but of course they are not dignified in the slightest bit.

I’m just worried something wrong with me. I used to think I was demisexual but with this guy it was instant desire from a photo. And I’m trying to find that again because I’m like how can you date anyone without that feeling or can it develop

I worry a lot. Some people feel attraction to most guys . I’d love to feel it more but I just don’t. 
 

my had a Reddit account and on behalf of me posted a picture of me and people rated it.I don’t mean to sound vain but I had a lot of comments like telling me I’m a 8 out of 10. (I don’t feel like an 8-10 feel more like a 6) So I don’t think it’s a league based thing 

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m just worried something wrong with me. I used to think I was demisexual but with this guy it was instant desire from a photo. And I’m trying to find that again because I’m like how can you date anyone without that feeling or can it develop

I worry a lot. Some people feel attraction to most guys . I’d love to feel it more but I just don’t. 
 

my had a Reddit account and on behalf of me posted a picture of me and people rated it.I don’t mean to sound vain but I had a lot of comments like telling me I’m a 8 out of 10. (I don’t feel like an 8-10 feel more like a 6) So I don’t think it’s a league based thing 

Welcome to my world. I'm the exact same as you describe, its very rare I would ever get fireworks type feelings for someone but when I do it's just something intangible I cant quite put my finger on. The last girl I had that feeling for I thought was gorgeous on a personal level but when I showed my friends pictures they just shrugged and said I've seen you dating much more attractive girls in my opinion. And the rare occasion I do meet someone I really like it usually goes downhill fast.

I don't mean to be rude but I personally find some sexual orientation labels like "demi" a bit silly as I think it broadly falls into the "normal" experience of attraction for a lot of people. It doesn't sound to me like there's anything much wrong with you, apart from constantly overthinking that there's something wrong with you.

[PeachPalm1]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Welcome to my world. I'm the exact same as you describe, its very rare I would ever get fireworks type feelings for someone but when I do it's just something intangible I cant quite put my finger on. The last girl I had that feeling for I thought was gorgeous on a personal level but when I showed my friends pictures they just shrugged and said I've seen you dating much more attractive girls in my opinion. And the rare occasion I do meet someone I really like it usually goes downhill fast.

I don't mean to be rude but I personally find some sexual orientation labels like "demi" a bit silly as I think it broadly falls into the "normal" experience of attraction for a lot of people. It doesn't sound to me like there's anything much wrong with you, apart from constantly overthinking that there's something wrong with you.

Maybe that’s the same as how this guy felt. Found me pretty but something intangible. Eg like he expected to fancy me but he just didn’t or something 

[FredEire]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

Maybe that’s the same as how this guy felt. Found me pretty but something intangible. Eg like he expected to fancy me but he just didn’t or something 

Who tf knows, you can't read his mind.

There's two parties in every relationship. Unfortunately just because you feel that electricity it doesn't mean the other person is going to, or that it won't turn into indifference, anger, resentment etc. over time.

A relationship is 50/50, whatever happens about what's going on for the individuals, and how that affects the chemistry plays out between them. It's rarely down to being one person's "fault".

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m just worried something wrong with me. I used to think I was demisexual but with this guy it was instant desire from a photo. And I’m trying to find that again because I’m like how can you date anyone without that feeling or can it develop

Instant desire from a photo? Sorry, this just sounds weird to me, like some sort of a curse or a love potion thing from a fairy tale. 

Normally, desire develops gradually, as people see each other and talk to each other more, and their mutual sympathy grows. 

My fiancée and I have intense desire for each other, but when we met, we both just thought that the other person was nice and comfortable to hang out with. It quickly developed into something else, but it happened naturally, organically, and gradually. 

We both have quite a rich romantic past, but none of us has ever felt an instant desire to the member of the opposite sex from their photo. Honestly, the idea itself just sounds a bit silly to me.

You should really start meeting people naturally, in real life.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But with this guy, I’m not lying when I say our lifestyles would just mesh! 

He's an alcoholic, according to you.  I don't think that would be a very satisfying lifestyle to mesh with.  Please never do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He's an alcoholic, according to you.

Yes, I was suprised OP only brought that up now. 

Is that not an enormous red flag to you, @PeachPalm1? It is noteworthy that you seem to have overlooked this. 

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I was suprised OP only brought that up now. 

Is that not an enormous red flag to you, @PeachPalm1? It is noteworthy that you seem to have overlooked this. 

The country he is from though   Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though so I think it might be cultural. They are known for being big drinkers 

 

[FredEire]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

The country he is from though   Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though so I think it might be cultural. They are known for being big drinkers 

 

Yeah if he's an Aussie unfortunately functional alcoholism is nearly the norm, same where I'm from in Ireland.

You mentioned you're from the UK though right? I wouldn't say Britain is too far off to be honest. A lot of US people are shocked by the amount we drink here.

[ZA Dater]

On 5/17/2024 at 12:30 PM, PeachPalm1 said:

 

Why would a guy find you attractive, speak of how well you get along but not feel ‘romantic’?

I can’t get over him and worry what I did wrong 

October last year I matched with a guy on a dating app. I’ve never really had a march quite like it, an instant connection, amazing conversation, so much in common, nice physical spark. I was excited . On dates he would hold my hand and talk about how he feels we get along so well

But he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks. I got really anxious but I didn’t tell him this. I was always communicative, put effort in, and I know I put my best self forward 

Then he lost his job, had visa issues (he’s from abroad) and eventually said he didn’t feel romantic and that he wanted to be friends. He said it was a him thing and nothing on me. He also said he sees himself moving back home other side of the world next year 

He remains friends but still acts a bit strange. Sometimes he texts me all of the time, sending memes and recipes and other times he disappears for a while. Then he asked to see me and he took me to play golf, he was hugging me a lot , touching me subtly and telling me once again how he feels that me and him get along so well. He told me he might go back to his home country next year but he’s not sure 

I went on holiday last week and during that time, he was liking every story post I put up of myself, sending me messages asking about my holiday. I then replied back to him and I said ‘how are you doing?’ 

He didn’t reply. It’s been a week. He continued to like my stories and posts but won’t reply back. This doesn’t make sense to me . He hasn’t even opened the message and I don’t understand and I’m worried once again what’s wrong with me 

He’s moved a couple hours away for a new job and I couldn’t help but see if he has a new hinge profile. He has just gotten a dating app profile and seeing it has made me sad. His profile even says he is looking for a long term relationship 😞

I don’t get it . I’m 29 and never had a partner and me and him really clicked. Could it be he still likes me somewhat?  

I’m upset tonight cause I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m an attractive woman, he used to tell me I was pretty and that he loved my company, but why would I never be good enough for a relationship. I still have feelings for him and I’m scared I’ll never lose them but also scared i won’t ever be liked by anyone 

I’ve never had feelings for anyone like I did him. And I don’t get his behaviour or if it means anything 

Like is it even normal to be attractive and get friendzoned.

I am sorry this has happened to you and I am equally sorry that you have not had a partner. There is nothing wrong with you, you need to believe in yourself and the good qualities you have, you cannot let dating change how you view yourself and yes I do speak from experience here as someone who dating and the lack thereof negatively affect me for many years.

Its a terrible position to be in where you find yourself, one thing I learnt is its not possible to figure out what people do the things they do and for what purpose they do them. Instead of looking yourself and blaming yourself maybe look at him and the geographical distance he is from you.

The best advice I can give you is to try believe in yourself and yes I know how hard this can be!

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah if he's an Aussie unfortunately functional alcoholism is nearly the norm, same where I'm from in Ireland.

You mentioned you're from the UK though right? I wouldn't say Britain is too far off to be honest. A lot of US people are shocked by the amount we drink here.

Add South Africa to that list.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Add South Africa to that list.

Yes I've met several South African people and drinking/cocaine problems seems to be a theme.

It's ingrained into society in Ireland where you basically get hassled for not drinking enough. What OP described wouldn't be too atypical for an Australian guy, the former British colonies tend to have the same drinking problems or worse. Then of course there's Scandinavia which is a whole other level.

A good friend of mine moved to New York last year and he said he was shocked by how little people drink in general and how looked down on it is to have more than a couple of beers on a regular night out.

Edited May 24, 2024 by FredEire

[FredEire]

32 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is very interesting to read. I wonder what causes the excessive drinking in these countries? I rarely drink and nobody says a word to me it (not that I would care anyway).

I think at its root it's poverty, famine, war and the depression this causes, and to a lesser extent bad weather and harsh winters. In Ireland we suffered a brutal famine under English occupation when the potatoes (the main food of the Irish working class) died, and more than half the country either died or emigrated. Back then people would make alcohol from pretty much anything even if they risked poisoning themselves.

And it's still part of the culture today. Very interesting stuff as you say, generational trauma. We're known as very happy, friendly people but there's a real sadness to Irish culture.

[PeachPalm1]

36 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is very interesting to read. I wonder what causes the excessive drinking in these countries? I rarely drink and nobody says a word to me it (not that I would care anyway).

Drinking culture maybe strongly ingrained in those countries. Culture difficult to shift 

one more thing to mention is that last time I met up with him, he told me he wants to move back to his home country at some point as he’s missing his family and finding it hard. I asked him when that might be and he looked a bit stressed and said ‘just don’t know, I really don’t know. Maybe a year, maybe 2 years. I’ve always known i Will go home one day.’

and when we were dating, he would always make comments like ‘you said your best friend moved to Australia last year, why don’t you move out there?’ And I said ‘no I like it here and my family here.’ And maybe he analysed that and as he’s a logical person, couldn’t see how things could work out between us, I mean he could have told me that. But he said our geographical stuff means it’s best to stop dating 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Drinking culture maybe strongly ingrained in those countries. Culture difficult to shift 

one more thing to mention is that last time I met up with him, he told me he wants to move back to his home country at some point as he’s missing his family and finding it hard. I asked him when that might be and he looked a bit stressed and said ‘just don’t know, I really don’t know. Maybe a year, maybe 2 years. I’ve always known i Will go home one day.’

and when we were dating, he would always make comments like ‘you said your best friend moved to Australia last year, why don’t you move out there?’ And I said ‘no I like it here and my family here.’ And maybe he analysed that and as he’s a logical person, couldn’t see how things could work out between us, I mean he could have told me that. But he said our geographical stuff means it’s best to stop dating 

Possibly, but no matter how hard you analyse you come back to square one because you just don't know.

[PeachPalm1]

23 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Possibly, but no matter how hard you analyse you come back to square one because you just don't know.

I know. It’s just so strange to me. Everything was great apart from his logical and unemotional robotic ness. Where as I am more open and emotional although in the short time we knew each other, he didn’t get to see that side of me so much. 
 

when I meet up with him, I just am there wanting to cuddle up in his arms and give him a big kiss but I can’t  there’s not many people that have every made me feel that way.

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know. It’s just so strange to me. Everything was great apart from his logical and unemotional robotic ness. Where as I am more open and emotional although in the short time we knew each other, he didn’t get to see that side of me so much. 
 

when I meet up with him, I just am there wanting to cuddle up in his arms and give him a big kiss but I can’t  there’s not many people that have every made me feel that way.

So don't.

I think for all the over-analysis the answer is pretty simple. Don't keep torturing yourself.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

So don't.

I think for all the over-analysis the answer is pretty simple. Don't keep torturing yourself.

One last thing, I’ve never had anything like this before. Even when he sits next to me and he’s not wearing cologne, he smells delightful to me. It’s like I just wanna draw closer to him. This has never happened with anyone in my life, he said the same about me, that I smelled good and he would bury his head into my neck. I miss that 

[FredEire]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last thing, I’ve never had anything like this before. Even when he sits next to me and he’s not wearing cologne, he smells delightful to me. It’s like I just wanna draw closer to him. This has never happened with anyone in my life, he said the same about me, that I smelled good and he would bury his head into my neck. I miss that 

I know, but he's already expressed he doesn't feel the same way.

These are all common experiences when you're infatuated with someone, I've had all the stuff about the unique smell, that particular earring they wear, the way their eyes look in the moonlight etc. It's a potent drug that makes you almost feel high and that there's nobody else quiet like him/her in the world.

But he's not going to suddenly flip the switch and go crazy for you, so save yourself the torture, cut the ties and give yourself some time to move on so you can be ready to meet someone who does want you.

Edited May 24, 2024 by FredEire

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yes I've met several South African people and drinking/cocaine problems seems to be a theme.

It's ingrained into society in Ireland where you basically get hassled for not drinking enough. What OP described wouldn't be too atypical for an Australian guy, the former British colonies tend to have the same drinking problems or worse. Then of course there's Scandinavia which is a whole other level.

A good friend of mine moved to New York last year and he said he was shocked by how little people drink in general and how looked down on it is to have more than a couple of beers on a regular night out.

Here it is almost socially unacceptable to not drink in social settings but I think the problem is people drink to excess. This can have negative consequences on dating in general.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Here it is almost socially unacceptable to not drink in social settings but I think the problem is people drink to excess. This can have negative consequences on dating in general.

Yep, I think it shows a good degree of self control to buck the trend and not drink or at least not drink to the same excesses as those around you.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though

No, absolutely not true. 

 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, absolutely not true. 

 

Yes you are justifying negative traits because of limerance and infatuation, meanwhile you're worrying about every little comment and maybe/possible misstep you made with him.

If he felt the same way he wouldn't give a damn about any of that, he'd be making an effort to be with you. But he doesn't feel the same way.