do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[FredEire]

32 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is very interesting to read. I wonder what causes the excessive drinking in these countries? I rarely drink and nobody says a word to me it (not that I would care anyway).

I think at its root it's poverty, famine, war and the depression this causes, and to a lesser extent bad weather and harsh winters. In Ireland we suffered a brutal famine under English occupation when the potatoes (the main food of the Irish working class) died, and more than half the country either died or emigrated. Back then people would make alcohol from pretty much anything even if they risked poisoning themselves.

And it's still part of the culture today. Very interesting stuff as you say, generational trauma. We're known as very happy, friendly people but there's a real sadness to Irish culture.

[PeachPalm1]

36 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is very interesting to read. I wonder what causes the excessive drinking in these countries? I rarely drink and nobody says a word to me it (not that I would care anyway).

Drinking culture maybe strongly ingrained in those countries. Culture difficult to shift 

one more thing to mention is that last time I met up with him, he told me he wants to move back to his home country at some point as he’s missing his family and finding it hard. I asked him when that might be and he looked a bit stressed and said ‘just don’t know, I really don’t know. Maybe a year, maybe 2 years. I’ve always known i Will go home one day.’

and when we were dating, he would always make comments like ‘you said your best friend moved to Australia last year, why don’t you move out there?’ And I said ‘no I like it here and my family here.’ And maybe he analysed that and as he’s a logical person, couldn’t see how things could work out between us, I mean he could have told me that. But he said our geographical stuff means it’s best to stop dating 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Drinking culture maybe strongly ingrained in those countries. Culture difficult to shift 

one more thing to mention is that last time I met up with him, he told me he wants to move back to his home country at some point as he’s missing his family and finding it hard. I asked him when that might be and he looked a bit stressed and said ‘just don’t know, I really don’t know. Maybe a year, maybe 2 years. I’ve always known i Will go home one day.’

and when we were dating, he would always make comments like ‘you said your best friend moved to Australia last year, why don’t you move out there?’ And I said ‘no I like it here and my family here.’ And maybe he analysed that and as he’s a logical person, couldn’t see how things could work out between us, I mean he could have told me that. But he said our geographical stuff means it’s best to stop dating 

Possibly, but no matter how hard you analyse you come back to square one because you just don't know.

[PeachPalm1]

23 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Possibly, but no matter how hard you analyse you come back to square one because you just don't know.

I know. It’s just so strange to me. Everything was great apart from his logical and unemotional robotic ness. Where as I am more open and emotional although in the short time we knew each other, he didn’t get to see that side of me so much. 
 

when I meet up with him, I just am there wanting to cuddle up in his arms and give him a big kiss but I can’t  there’s not many people that have every made me feel that way.

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know. It’s just so strange to me. Everything was great apart from his logical and unemotional robotic ness. Where as I am more open and emotional although in the short time we knew each other, he didn’t get to see that side of me so much. 
 

when I meet up with him, I just am there wanting to cuddle up in his arms and give him a big kiss but I can’t  there’s not many people that have every made me feel that way.

So don't.

I think for all the over-analysis the answer is pretty simple. Don't keep torturing yourself.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

So don't.

I think for all the over-analysis the answer is pretty simple. Don't keep torturing yourself.

One last thing, I’ve never had anything like this before. Even when he sits next to me and he’s not wearing cologne, he smells delightful to me. It’s like I just wanna draw closer to him. This has never happened with anyone in my life, he said the same about me, that I smelled good and he would bury his head into my neck. I miss that 

[FredEire]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last thing, I’ve never had anything like this before. Even when he sits next to me and he’s not wearing cologne, he smells delightful to me. It’s like I just wanna draw closer to him. This has never happened with anyone in my life, he said the same about me, that I smelled good and he would bury his head into my neck. I miss that 

I know, but he's already expressed he doesn't feel the same way.

These are all common experiences when you're infatuated with someone, I've had all the stuff about the unique smell, that particular earring they wear, the way their eyes look in the moonlight etc. It's a potent drug that makes you almost feel high and that there's nobody else quiet like him/her in the world.

But he's not going to suddenly flip the switch and go crazy for you, so save yourself the torture, cut the ties and give yourself some time to move on so you can be ready to meet someone who does want you.

Edited May 24 by FredEire

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yes I've met several South African people and drinking/cocaine problems seems to be a theme.

It's ingrained into society in Ireland where you basically get hassled for not drinking enough. What OP described wouldn't be too atypical for an Australian guy, the former British colonies tend to have the same drinking problems or worse. Then of course there's Scandinavia which is a whole other level.

A good friend of mine moved to New York last year and he said he was shocked by how little people drink in general and how looked down on it is to have more than a couple of beers on a regular night out.

Here it is almost socially unacceptable to not drink in social settings but I think the problem is people drink to excess. This can have negative consequences on dating in general.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Here it is almost socially unacceptable to not drink in social settings but I think the problem is people drink to excess. This can have negative consequences on dating in general.

Yep, I think it shows a good degree of self control to buck the trend and not drink or at least not drink to the same excesses as those around you.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though

No, absolutely not true. 

 

[happyhorizons]

7 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last thing, I’ve never had anything like this before. Even when he sits next to me and he’s not wearing cologne, he smells delightful to me. It’s like I just wanna draw closer to him. This has never happened with anyone in my life, he said the same about me, that I smelled good and he would bury his head into my neck. I miss that 

You are going to find someone else sooner rather than later. Do not lose hope and this guy will slowly become a distant memory.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, absolutely not true. 

 

Yes you are justifying negative traits because of limerance and infatuation, meanwhile you're worrying about every little comment and maybe/possible misstep you made with him.

If he felt the same way he wouldn't give a damn about any of that, he'd be making an effort to be with you. But he doesn't feel the same way.

[PeachPalm1]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes you are justifying negative traits because of limerance and infatuation, meanwhile you're worrying about every little comment and maybe/possible misstep you made with him.

If he felt the same way he wouldn't give a damn about any of that, he'd be making an effort to be with you. But he doesn't feel the same way.

I didn’t make this comment 

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t make this comment 

You've speculated several times about what you may have done "wrong" to turn him off.

[PeachPalm1]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You've speculated several times about what you may have done "wrong" to turn him off.

I know. It’s just he’s had lots of girlfriends in the past who he was excited about. I don’t know why he bothered dating me when he wasn’t excited by me and I feel a bit ashamed I never made it to gf status too. Like those girls were so lucky. I just wish someone could like me in a romantic way and be excited to get to know me 

[happyhorizons]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know. It’s just he’s had lots of girlfriends in the past who he was excited about. I don’t know why he bothered dating me when he wasn’t excited by me and I feel a bit ashamed I never made it to gf status too. Like those girls were so lucky. I just wish someone could like me in a romantic way and be excited to get to know me 

It is going to happen. I fully realize patience is difficult at times but hope springs eternal 😊😊

[PeachPalm1]

26 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It is going to happen. I fully realize patience is difficult at times but hope springs eternal 😊😊

I’ve just realised something about myself. Every guy I’ve met on a dating app, I’ve preferred men who are less soppy and affectionate in texts. Who text less often, (usually just to set up dates and some getting to know you chat.) which allows me comfort and space to get to know them in a non pressuring way, to build a connection as I don’t feel instant attraction. And I found that with this guy, it was the perfect arrangement for me to get to know him slowly without being overwhelmed with affection I wasn’t ready for. But that attraction then grew for him and I wanted to be affectionate but yet he never changed and still kept his distance.

I talk to some guys on dating apps and they text me all the time and send soppy messages and I find it overwhelming as I don’t know if I like them yet.

that’s why I wanted the last guy, I felt so comfortable 

[happyhorizons]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve just realised something about myself. Every guy I’ve met on a dating app, I’ve preferred men who are less soppy and affectionate in texts. Who text less often, (usually just to set up dates and some getting to know you chat.) which allows me comfort and space to get to know them in a non pressuring way, to build a connection as I don’t feel instant attraction. And I found that with this guy, it was the perfect arrangement for me to get to know him slowly without being overwhelmed with affection I wasn’t ready for. But that attraction then grew for him and I wanted to be affectionate but yet he never changed and still kept his distance.

I talk to some guys on dating apps and they text me all the time and send soppy messages and I find it overwhelming as I don’t know if I like them yet.

that’s why I wanted the last guy, I felt so comfortable 

Well, there are several ideas or courses of action moving forward that can think of but probably best not shared here. I do think you will move past this latest guy and find someone new. 😀😀😀

[FredEire]

35 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know. It’s just he’s had lots of girlfriends in the past who he was excited about. I don’t know why he bothered dating me when he wasn’t excited by me and I feel a bit ashamed I never made it to gf status too. Like those girls were so lucky. I just wish someone could like me in a romantic way and be excited to get to know me 

Maybe you wouldn't have wanted him if he was really interested. It's easy to say from your current standpoint he's really wonderful etc etc but you just don't know. The mind works in mysterious ways. You want what you can't have is a cliché for a reason.

The same happens for me, I only (rarely) seem to take a fancy for emotionally unavailable and unstable girls. Open, interested and ready to date me? Sorry not really feeling it.

It's immensely frustrating but I think it's a defence mechanism to stay away from the pressures of real intimacy for me, and it may well be for you, too.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Maybe you wouldn't have wanted him if he was really interested. It's easy to say from your current standpoint he's really wonderful etc etc but you just don't know. The mind works in mysterious ways. You want what you can't have is a cliché for a reason.

The same happens for me, I only (rarely) seem to take a fancy for emotionally unavailable and unstable girls. Open, interested and ready to date me? Sorry not really feeling it.

It's immensely frustrating but I think it's a defence mechanism to stay away from the pressures of real intimacy for me, and it may well be for you, too.

I don’t know because me and my last ex took things very slow at the beginning and I developed feelings over time. And then with time he started being very affectionate and we had emotional intimacy, and it felt natural and I enjoyed it completely. So I really believe it’s a comfort thing for me. 
 

and with this last guy, I 100% felt ready for the emotional intimacy and I was trying to seek it. There was a time on the last date, when he hugged me and said ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And felt so so happy! But also confused becayse  of his distancing. 

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

There was a time on the last date, when he hugged me and said ‘I’ve told all my friends about you now.’ And felt so so happy! But also confused becayse  of his distancing. 

Have you asked him about this^ and what made him back off?  I think it would help you to ask him because no one here can help you find the answer as much as we've tried.

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve just realised something about myself. Every guy I’ve met on a dating app, I’ve preferred men who are less soppy and affectionate in texts. Who text less often, (usually just to set up dates and some getting to know you chat.) which allows me comfort and space to get to know them in a non pressuring way, to build a connection as I don’t feel instant attraction. And I found that with this guy, it was the perfect arrangement for me to get to know him slowly without being overwhelmed with affection I wasn’t ready for. But that attraction then grew for him and I wanted to be affectionate but yet he never changed and still kept his distance.

I talk to some guys on dating apps and they text me all the time and send soppy messages and I find it overwhelming as I don’t know if I like them yet.

that’s why I wanted the last guy, I felt so comfortable 

Maybe you need to put in your profile that you like to take it slow and are in no rush to get into a relationship.  You have to keep looking because there are plenty of guys who are not soppy or affectionate in texts and in person for that matter.   Just next soppy guys.  At first you were saying no one matches with you so now we know you do get action you just have to weed them out.

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have you asked him about this^ and what made him back off?  I think it would help you to ask him because no one here can help you find the answer as much as we've tried.

I don’t know what made him back off. As I went home after that date, and then he still maintained his distance after the date. There’s nothing I could have possibly done between that time for him to back off . it was strange 

when he ended things, I sent a message basically thanking him for letting me know, and that I felt his communication has been off from the get go, and I felt we didn’t spend enough time for things to become romantic.

 

I left it at that and I never asked him about it, and even as friends he messages sporadically and takes weeks to reply or doesn’t reply at all. I feel like I’ve left it too long to be able to ask about it because it would reveal I still care too! And I never seee him either 

 

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t know what made him back off.

Of course you don't know that's why you're here.  You should still ask him why he backed away from you since this is bothering you so much.  I normally would not suggest such a thing but you can't seem to move forward without a proper answer.  So ask him but I must warn you that you may not like what you hear; but at least you'll be able to move on and feel like you got some type or closure.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course you don't know that's why you're here.  You should still ask him why he backed away from you since this is bothering you so much.  I normally would not suggest such a thing but you can't seem to move forward without a proper answer.  So ask him but I must warn you that you may not like what you hear; but at least you'll be able to move on and feel like you got some type or closure.

If I ever see him again, I will ask him. But he only ever sees me on his term

my theory is, im quite a direct woman. And I often asked him quite direct questions, not too direct and certainly appropriate questions, but I sensed sometimes he felt somewhat uncomfortable with direct questions like ‘what was your longest relationship’ and ‘what are you looking for?’ And I don’t think he was used to directness from women as I felt he was someone who likes to be in control. And then he said he felt I was like him, in terms of personality. So maybe it was a clash, my career requires me to be very direct.

something else I notice about myself is I prefer to date men who live a way away, like an hour or so. I think it comes down to me wanting that space to get to know someone slowly. Ugh