do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

If I ever see him again, I will ask him. But he only ever sees me on his term

my theory is, im quite a direct woman. And I often asked him quite direct questions, not too direct and certainly appropriate questions, but I sensed sometimes he felt somewhat uncomfortable with direct questions like ‘what was your longest relationship’ and ‘what are you looking for?’ And I don’t think he was used to directness from women as I felt he was someone who likes to be in control. And then he said he felt I was like him, in terms of personality. So maybe it was a clash, my career requires me to be very direct.

something else I notice about myself is I prefer to date men who live a way away, like an hour or so. I think it comes down to me wanting that space to get to know someone slowly. Ugh

You could contact him and ask and then never see him again if you wish.   If you got he impression he doesn't like direct questions and you asked him direct questions, you aren't compatible after all.  Not all men like direct, blunt women.  This could very well be why he backed off, but you should still ask him.  Maybe he can give you insight as to why this keeps happening to you.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You could contact him and ask and then never see him again if you wish.   If you got he impression he doesn't like direct questions and you asked him direct questions, you aren't compatible after all.  Not all men like direct, blunt women.  This could very well be why he backed off, but you should still ask him.  Maybe he can give you insight as to why this keeps happening to you.

One last theory I have is after our first date, I traveled an hour to the town to meet. And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 
 

he left and didn’t even text me after the first date, for like 5 days

 

anyway the woman was a lady he met whilst travelling who lived in his town. He often went for dinner with her but never stayed over. He often talked about the country she was from, random facts about that country which was weird 

 

part of me wonders if he liked this woman but she didn’t want him. Leaving him feeling insecure. Then he met me trying to move on, was still meeting her as friends. He often would ask me if I find him attractive. And also he had issues in the bedroom. Affectionate in person followed by distancing behaviour 

 

I feel like it was a right person wrong time situation. Hence he keeps me as a friend now and is touchy feely in person 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 

It doesn't make sense that he didn't warn you about this in advance.   To be honest, this sounds suspiciously like the kind of excuse one invents if they find themselves on a date which they aren't particularly enjoying.  

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't make sense that he didn't warn you about this in advance.   To be honest, this sounds suspiciously like the kind of excuse one invents if they find themselves on a date which they aren't particularly enjoying.  

I thought that at the time but then he asked me on the next date, and every date he always kept short. So I don’t things that was the case

[happyhorizons]

This has been an extremely sad thread. It is very difficult to see the OP question herself again and again☹️☹️☹️☹️

[NuevoYorko]

19 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

The country he is from though   Down under, everyone literally is an alcoholic though so I think it might be cultural. They are known for being big drinkers 

 

This does not make them alcoholics.  There is a huge difference.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wasting way too much time theorizing about what could have gone wrong. 

That is energy you could be spending on letting go and moving on. This guy didn't want to date you. It's not the end of the world.

[FredEire]

11 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last theory I have is after our first date, I traveled an hour to the town to meet. And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 
 

he left and didn’t even text me after the first date, for like 5 days

 

anyway the woman was a lady he met whilst travelling who lived in his town. He often went for dinner with her but never stayed over. He often talked about the country she was from, random facts about that country which was weird 

 

part of me wonders if he liked this woman but she didn’t want him. Leaving him feeling insecure. Then he met me trying to move on, was still meeting her as friends. He often would ask me if I find him attractive. And also he had issues in the bedroom. Affectionate in person followed by distancing behaviour 

 

I feel like it was a right person wrong time situation. Hence he keeps me as a friend now and is touchy feely in person 

And I assume all the evidence you have that he wasn't sleeping with this woman is his word?

I think it's entirely possible he knew he was already going to be getting laid that night and decided to test the waters with you to see if you might be the kind of girl who jumped into bed quickly and he could maybe have two experiences in the one night. And if not he'd reduce his availability and leave you wondering (as he did).

I'm not saying it's good or healthy but I have friends who used to do this kind of thing. Going back to OP it seemed to me his actions were pretty consistent with a guy who's a bit of a player. If he was just genuinely having dinner with a platonic friend I don't know why he couldn't just text them and say "Hey sorry something came up, we'll have to do another night etc"

Part of infatuation is we always want to think the best of the person, he must be a sweet mixed up guy who didn't know how to communicate, he couldn't be a calculating player who was aiming to get as many girls into bed as possible.

If I'm right about that I just wish he'd been honest from the jump that he didn't see anything serious and didn't leave romantic breadcrumbs along the way that kept you hung up on him.

Edited May 25 by FredEire

[Alpacalia]

39 minutes ago, FredEire said:

12 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last theory I have is after our first date, I traveled an hour to the town to meet. And a couple hours in he said ‘really sorry I planned badly and I actually have dinner with another friend soon so I have to leave in an hour.’ I felt a bit sad about this. 
 

he left and didn’t even text me after the first date, for like 5 days

 

anyway the woman was a lady he met whilst travelling who lived in his town. He often went for dinner with her but never stayed over. He often talked about the country she was from, random facts about that country which was weird 

 

part of me wonders if he liked this woman but she didn’t want him. Leaving him feeling insecure. Then he met me trying to move on, was still meeting her as friends. He often would ask me if I find him attractive. And also he had issues in the bedroom. Affectionate in person followed by distancing behaviour 

 

I feel like it was a right person wrong time situation. Hence he keeps me as a friend now and is touchy feely in person 

And I assume all the evidence you have that he wasn't sleeping with this woman is his word?

I think it's entirely possible he knew he was already going to be getting laid that night and decided to test the waters with you to see if you might be the kind of girl who jumped into bed quickly and he could maybe have two experiences in the one night. And if not he'd reduce his availability and leave you wondering (as he did).

I'm not saying it's good or healthy but I have friends who used to do this kind of thing. Going back to OP it seemed to me his actions were pretty consistent with a guy who's a bit of a player. If he was just genuinely having dinner with a platonic friend I don't know why he couldn't just text them and say "Hey sorry something came up, we'll have to do another night etc"

Part of infatuation is we always want to think the best of the person, he must be a sweet mixed up guy who didn't know how to communicate, he couldn't be a calculating player who was aiming to get as many girls into bed as possible.

If I'm right about that I just wish he'd been honest from the jump that he didn't see anything serious and didn't leave romantic breadcrumbs along the way that kept you hung up on him.

Agree. And I think a dose of self-revelation here is in place. OP, you admit you made some blunders there. It is much better had you got out of it early on. There are so many out there lining up for 1 or 2nd chance that would make far worst errors. Look them over. 

He double booked a 1st date.

That's just, well, bad planning.

Then he kept leading you on and stringing you along.

He didn't make the commitment for exclusivity you wanted.

So now he's just a friend.

Were there other flags you ignored during those long dates?

I think it's just time to move on.

Take it as a learning experience.

Edited May 25 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

I think this thread may have broken some type of record.   I hope the OP has decided that the situation has been dissected to its fullest possible last particle and that it's time to move on.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I thought that at the time but then he asked me on the next date, and every date he always kept short. So I don’t things that was the case

Keeping dates short is a sign of little interest.  When a guy wants you he plans to spend time with you and doesn't rush you out the door after sex and certainly doesn't double book dates.  As a matter of fact I would say he's more interested in the woman he has the 2nd date with because he probably spent more time and even the night with her.  Asking you out on day dates that are short is pretty much the friendzone.

[PeachPalm1]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Keeping dates short is a sign of little interest.  When a guy wants you he plans to spend time with you and doesn't rush you out the door after sex and certainly doesn't double book dates.  As a matter of fact I would say he's more interested in the woman he has the 2nd date with because he probably spent more time and even the night with her.  Asking you out on day dates that are short is pretty much the friendzone.

I know and I just don’t know why I can’t find a man who is excited about me. Was at a wedding today and the couple were so matched and in love and I’ve never had that in my life. 
 

I want someone who just wants me from the start and is excited to get to know me 

Edited May 25 by PeachPalm1

[PeachPalm1]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

And I assume all the evidence you have that he wasn't sleeping with this woman is his word?

I think it's entirely possible he knew he was already going to be getting laid that night and decided to test the waters with you to see if you might be the kind of girl who jumped into bed quickly and he could maybe have two experiences in the one night. And if not he'd reduce his availability and leave you wondering (as he did).

I'm not saying it's good or healthy but I have friends who used to do this kind of thing. Going back to OP it seemed to me his actions were pretty consistent with a guy who's a bit of a player. If he was just genuinely having dinner with a platonic friend I don't know why he couldn't just text them and say "Hey sorry something came up, we'll have to do another night etc"

Part of infatuation is we always want to think the best of the person, he must be a sweet mixed up guy who didn't know how to communicate, he couldn't be a calculating player who was aiming to get as many girls into bed as possible.

If I'm right about that I just wish he'd been honest from the jump that he didn't see anything serious and didn't leave romantic breadcrumbs along the way that kept you hung up on him.

He wasn’t the player type though and he seemed very very nervous in the bedroom. 

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree. And I think a dose of self-revelation here is in place. OP, you admit you made some blunders there. It is much better had you got out of it early on. There are so many out there lining up for 1 or 2nd chance that would make far worst errors. Look them over. 

He double booked a 1st date.

That's just, well, bad planning.

Then he kept leading you on and stringing you along.

He didn't make the commitment for exclusivity you wanted.

So now he's just a friend.

Were there other flags you ignored during those long dates?

I think it's just time to move on.

Take it as a learning experience.

I know but I thought things would be different as my ex didn’t want me either and said he only dated me as I was pretty and he was lonely. That hurt me for 2 years and then finally felt ready for love like all my friends are settled down and this happened again and I just can’t find love at all

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know but I thought things would be different as my ex didn’t want me either and said he only dated me as I was pretty and he was lonely. That hurt me for 2 years and then finally felt ready for love like all my friends are settled down and this happened again and I just can’t find love at all

Feel like I’ve learned a lot. Dating so many guys and I just feel unlovable. It’s hard to find people I genuinely click with and I really did click with this recent guy. I know im going on, I just feel like im such a joke as I’ve never had something genuine and never been loved. People used to tell me how well me and him clicked and came across so similar 

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He wasn’t the player type though and he seemed very very nervous in the bedroom. 

You're assuming that. Also I knew a guy who was a PUA and still struggled with that severely.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You're assuming that. Also I knew a guy who was a PUA and still struggled with that severely.

What’s a pua?

 

was at a wedding today and there were so many couples and so much love and I was the only single person and I just don’t know how that’s happened I’m so ashamed. I wish I had hope to meet someone and have a family one day.

I genuinely don’t know how I’ll ever find someone I click with. I’m not lying when I say me and that guy clicked.even if he did keep dates short etc. come home from wedding just been crying a lot 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

What’s a pua?

 

was at a wedding today and there were so many couples and so much love and I was the only single person and I just don’t know how that’s happened I’m so ashamed. I wish I had hope to meet someone and have a family one day.

I genuinely don’t know how I’ll ever find someone I click with. I’m not lying when I say me and that guy clicked.even if he did keep dates short etc. come home from wedding just been crying a lot 

Pick-up artist.

You're on your own path. You're still a young women with a lot more life to live, you shouldn't give a damn what anyone else is doing or what they think of you.

People are struggling a lot more than the surface level will tell you. You might look at a toxic marriage and think why can't that be me, unaware of how things actually are with them. You're a lot better off where you are than in something like that.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Keeping dates short is a sign of little interest.  When a guy wants you he plans to spend time with you and doesn't rush you out the door after sex and certainly doesn't double book dates.  As a matter of fact I would say he's more interested in the woman he has the 2nd date with because he probably spent more time and even the night with her.  Asking you out on day dates that are short is pretty much the friendzone.

I KNOW.  From the very first date this guy was giving blaring signals to the OP that he was not very keen, and finally he withdrew altogether.  After a very few contacts.  

It's frustrating because, of course, it feels really bad when somebody we like a lot does not feel the same way towards us.  But refusing to accept that this happens and that it is, in fact, happening with this guy,  is just kind of a combination of stubborn and very self centered.  Because it does not leave any room for the reality that the guy has feelings and preferences of his own, which he's following.  

It's simple.  Painful, but simple.  

And ... sadly, OP is not done yet.  6 posts within an hour, rehashing the territory, over and over.

OP - you can't find anyone to be in a loving relationship with because YOU are not available for it. 

Edited May 25 by NuevoYorko

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He wasn’t the player type though and he seemed very very nervous in the bedroom. 

You don't know him well enough to know if any of the above is true. 

And one doesn't need to be a "player" to be casually seeing more than one person at a time. That's quite common and doesn't mean the person is out to play women.

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

Pick-up artist.

You're on your own path. You're still a young women with a lot more life to live, you shouldn't give a damn what anyone else is doing or what they think of you.

People are struggling a lot more than the surface level will tell you. You might look at a toxic marriage and think why can't that be me, unaware of how things actually are with them. You're a lot better off where you are than in something like that.

Yeah that’s very true

 

ok this is the last thing I will say here is that basically I just feel sad because he was the one that said ‘me and you really click, we’re so similar.’ And that is so so so hard to find.

I would say I have a very unique personality type. And finding someone similar to me is sooo hard that I connect with. I guess it’s just the hope and disappointment.

 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah that’s very true

 

ok this is the last thing I will say here is that basically I just feel sad because he was the one that said ‘me and you really click, we’re so similar.’ And that is so so so hard to find.

I would say I have a very unique personality type. And finding someone similar to me is sooo hard that I connect with. I guess it’s just the hope and disappointment.

 

Oh believe me I feel ya. I like myself but in the best possible way I'm a weirdo haha, there's plenty of pretty girls out there but not many pretty girls who want to talk about esoteric philosophy or obscure indie music. If I found a girl that I found both attractive and just as weird as me that's a real catch.

But hey, that's life. Don't take it personally, it didn't work out and it doesn't say much about you, it happens to the best of us. You want what you can't have is a cliche for a reason. But try to move on and embrace the future with open arms.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Oh believe me I feel ya. I like myself but in the best possible way I'm a weirdo haha, there's plenty of pretty girls out there but not many pretty girls who want to talk about esoteric philosophy or obscure indie music. If I found a girl that I found both attractive and just as weird as me that's a real catch.

But hey, that's life. Don't take it personally, it didn't work out and it doesn't say much about you, it happens to the best of us. You want what you can't have is a cliche for a reason. But try to move on and embrace the future with open arms.

Even my ex said he dated me out of loneliness and the breakup came very unexpectedly. 
 

I guess I can’t make sense of me and that guy clicking and having a physical spark. To me that’s like the basis for a good connection and getting to know each other. But then I just am terrified it’s me that can’t form romantic connections 

 

I sure made it clear of my interest though, I got him small token gifts to show my interest and baked him cakes. And told him I liked him (but I wasn’t pressuring with this.) 

 

especially all my friends getting married and they found partners so easily. Where as for me , they joke that I’m the gossip one in the group with constantly dating someone new. It’s just this last guy actually felt it will go somewhere.

 

last time we met up, the last guy said he’s not sure he will stay in my county longer than a year now. He used to ask my views on moving other side of world, and I told him I love my family here. 

Edited May 25 by PeachPalm1

[PeachPalm1]

Just now, FredEire said:

Oh believe me I feel ya. I like myself but in the best possible way I'm a weirdo haha, there's plenty of pretty girls out there but not many pretty girls who want to talk about esoteric philosophy or obscure indie music. If I found a girl that I found both attractive and just as weird as me that's a real catch.

But hey, that's life. Don't take it personally, it didn't work out and it doesn't say much about you, it happens to the best of us. You want what you can't have is a cliche for a reason. But try to move on and embrace the future with open arms.

Even my ex said he dated me out of loneliness and the breakup came very unexpectedly. 
 

I guess I can’t make sense of me and that guy clicking and having a physical spark. To me that’s like the basis for a good connection and getting to know each other. But then I just am terrified it’s me that can’t form romantic connections 

 

I sure made it clear of my interest though, I got him small token gifts to show my interest and baked him cakes. And told him I liked him (but I wasn’t pressuring with this.) 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I know but I thought things would be different as my ex didn’t want me either and said he only dated me as I was pretty and he was lonely. That hurt me for 2 years and then finally felt ready for love like all my friends are settled down and this happened again and I just can’t find love at all

Well, you can frame it a different way. After each bad experience you've had that you've shared, you still put yourself out there to find love. As opposed to, shutting down completely. Although you are disappointed, you still have enough hope to get out there and try again. That's brave x

When my Dad had a stroke, I felt like a part of me died inside.

Sometimes I feel like it's the world's way of telling you to slow down and make the most of the time you've got left.

You're so young and I recall in my twenties how terrifying it was with all that pressure to find love. Albeit -- I was in a long term relationship with a lovely man at that time but I recall when we broke up how strange it felt to be back out there. The truth is that you have plenty of time before you need to meet your soulmate. (((Hugs)))