do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I am reflecting, I really am and that’s why I made this post. Just to make sense of what happens as it still feels kinda raw. I’m not seeking any attention, just trying to make sense of what happened. I’m just upset with no one to talk about this. I do have a therapist, and had one since my last relationship too and we work through like self esteem stuff. I do feel better for it but this guy ending things kinda set me off again because I was so happy and excited. I am not seeking attention, but merely seeking reassurance and seeing if anyone else has gone through something similar, hence title of my post.

 

I have reflected on this last thing and have decided it must have been a him thing, I showed no insecurity, neediness or anything and as dates were just 2 hours long each time. He doesn’t know the real me yet, so it’s not personal. Feel a lot more positive. I forgot to mention when we were dating , he had some life changing stuff happen after the 4 date mark. Which meant I didn’t see him again for 6 weeks. In that time, I didn’t message him first, told him I was there to listen if he needed me. And when he came back, that’s when I felt things were different. And I know I was showing up in a good respectful way at that point. I’m going to move on thinking I did my best. 
 

it’s just the rejection that has stung me. And I had a bad week now I feel a bit better 

 

I do have a healtb condition which causes me a lot of problems including on the last date we ever had. I had a really bad night of it and I wasn’t myself. Like I didn’t want to kiss or cuddle and just wanted to go to sleep. I think I also was upset that he ended things after that date because that couldn’t be helped, I got sick halfway through the night 

I think you need to put your pride aside, it's not a "him" thing per se. Calling all your exes trash and toxic isn't a good way to process things IMO because it lacks personal accountability.

The key thing is everyone wants to date someone who has their s*** together. It's hard to date someone who has an emotional void, basically having to take on their baggage and potentially deal with emotional outbursts and projection further down the line. And when you throw in marriage and babies it's a whole can of worms that can really bring the pain. If people get a sense of that it can be really off-putting.

That's why the stuff you're going through is your cross to bear. No man is going to fix you or make you happy, only put a band aid on it for a time. And no matter how in love with him you are those issues are going to come back and negatively affect your relationship.

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think you need to put your pride aside, it's not a "him" thing per se. Calling all your exes trash and toxic isn't a good way to process things IMO because it lacks personal accountability.

The key thing is everyone wants to date someone who has their s*** together. It's hard to date someone who has an emotional void, basically having to take on their baggage and potentially deal with emotional outbursts and projection further down the line. And when you throw in marriage and babies it's a whole can of worms that can really bring the pain. If people get a sense of that it can be really off-putting.

That's why the stuff you're going through is your cross to bear. No man is going to fix you or make you happy, only put a band aid on it for a time. And no matter how in love with him you are those issues are going to come back and negatively affect your relationship.

I haven’t called anyone trash or toxic  haven’t used those words at all

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I haven’t called anyone trash or toxic  haven’t used those words at all

Sorry I'm exaggerating but I'm referring to you saying it's all a "him" thing. A relationship is always a two-way dynamic.

[PeachPalm1]

22 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Sorry I'm exaggerating but I'm referring to you saying it's all a "him" thing. A relationship is always a two-way dynamic.

No i know that, but the fact that the night before we had first even met and he wasn’t replying to my texts when I asked him for confirmation that we are still meeting… he hadn’t even met me yet and he was acting strange and that was the start of the dynamic. Which suggests it is a him thing as at that point it certainly wasn’t me as we’d only exchanged a couple of messages before he asked me on a date. 

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No i know that, but the fact that the night before we had first even met and he wasn’t replying to my texts when I asked him for confirmation that we are still meeting… he hadn’t even met me yet and he was acting strange and that was the start of the dynamic. Which suggests it is a him thing as at that point it certainly wasn’t me as we’d only exchanged a couple of messages before he asked me on a date. 

Sure, nothing you've posted suggests he was particularly open to a relationship so I don't think you "messed it up". Maybe another lesson is if you're getting weird off putting vibes from the beginning listen to your gut.

But a healthier reaction to all this would just be "OK his loss, moving on". The fact you are still hung up on this guy suggests you have a lot to work on yourself, that he touched some deeply held insecurities and it's affected you a lot more than it ought to have.

In other words it's not just a "him thing", it was a mutually unhealthy dynamic and you need to work on that unhealthy stuff on your end and let him get on with his stuff whatever that may be, letting go of this "friendship" being the first step.

[PeachPalm1]

14 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Sure, nothing you've posted suggests he was particularly open to a relationship so I don't think you "messed it up". Maybe another lesson is if you're getting weird off putting vibes from the beginning listen to your gut.

But a healthier reaction to all this would just be "OK his loss, moving on". The fact you are still hung up on this guy suggests you have a lot to work on yourself, that he touched some deeply held insecurities and it's affected you a lot more than it ought to have.

In other words it's not just a "him thing", it was a mutually unhealthy dynamic and you need to work on that unhealthy stuff on your end and let him get on with his stuff whatever that may be, letting go of this "friendship" being the first step.

I think it’s because my friends and family were so happy for me. People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’ My mom was begging me to meet him which was putting pressure on it as I wasn’t ready yet. I met his friends and they were excited for us too. I’ve never really had that before and I felt looked after and comfortable and my friends were like ‘this is your time after the way your ex treated you.’ And so I felt anxious and a bit guarded but still very excited. I didn’t want to show that I liked him so much and I didn’t want to get attached but that was inevitable

 

So it’s just me struggling to make sense of it all. Even though he was distant, he was different on dates and that made me feel confused. Like did he like me or did he not 

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think it’s because my friends and family were so happy for me. People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’ My mom was begging me to meet him which was putting pressure on it as I wasn’t ready yet. I met his friends and they were excited for us too. I’ve never really had that before and I felt looked after and comfortable and my friends were like ‘this is your time after the way your ex treated you.’ And so I felt anxious and a bit guarded but still very excited. I didn’t want to show that I liked him so much and I didn’t want to get attached but that was inevitable

 

So it’s just me struggling to make sense of it all. Even though he was distant, he was different on dates and that made me feel confused. Like did he like me or did he not 

With all respect to them, it matters not a jot what expectations others have about you. It's your life, your journey and they don't know what's going on for you.

It's probably a bit of both. But in dating half-in is not enough unfortunately. Eventually those people will leave your life and your heart in pieces.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No i know that, but the fact that the night before we had first even met and he wasn’t replying to my texts when I asked him for confirmation that we are still meeting… he hadn’t even met me yet and he was acting strange and that was the start of the dynamic. 

THIS IS NOT "ACTING STRANGE."  THIS IS BLINDINGLY SIGNALING THAT THE GUY IS NOT VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.  

The "dynamic" is you INSISTING on making something out of this that it was not EVER.  Which requires you to completely ignore the other person because you're busy cramming them into your fantasy. 

Jesus freaking christ.  

[NuevoYorko]

32 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think it’s because my friends and family were so happy for me. People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’

Yeah.  Because you told them that you "found someone" and they were "nice" and you were in a relationship.

Unfortunately that was not the case ever.   It was what you WANTED it to be.  

 

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yeah.  Because you told them that you "found someone" and they were "nice" and you were in a relationship.

Unfortunately that was not the case ever.   It was what you WANTED it to be.  

 

I didn’t, i told them I was going on some dates with someone but that he was being a bit hot and cold. And they said ‘don’t write him off just yet, relax and see where it goes.’ My mom had the idea to get him a little gift, as he said he missed a food item he can’t get in this country. It only was cheap but I randomly came across it in a world food shop round the corner from me so I bought him it. I think my family was excited for me and wanted me to show more appreciation for him. My mom even told my hairdresser that I was ‘seeing someone’ and that they talked about how I need to me a bit more loving. My mom doesn’t think I show enough affection and she said ‘make sure you don’t treat him like a brother!’ 

[PeachPalm1]

21 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

THIS IS NOT "ACTING STRANGE."  THIS IS BLINDINGLY SIGNALING THAT THE GUY IS NOT VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.  

The "dynamic" is you INSISTING on making something out of this that it was not EVER.  Which requires you to completely ignore the other person because you're busy cramming them into your fantasy. 

Jesus freaking christ.  

Well, it’s normal to not be super interested before you’ve met someone in person so I wasn’t going to write him off at that point. Like even my ex, I almost cancelled the date as I wasn’t feeling it but then I met him and he grew on me. 

[NuevoYorko]

 

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t, i told them I was going on some dates with someone but that he was being a bit hot and cold. And they said ‘don’t write him off just yet, relax and see where it goes.’ My mom had the idea to get him a little gift, as he said he missed a food item he can’t get in this country. It only was cheap but I randomly came across it in a world food shop round the corner from me so I bought him it. I think my family was excited for me and wanted me to show more appreciation for him. My mom even told my hairdresser that I was ‘seeing someone’ and that they talked about how I need to me a bit more loving. My mom doesn’t think I show enough affection and she said ‘make sure you don’t treat him like a brother!’ 

So what?  You have a voluminous tome of a thread here based on interactions with a guy that barely even constitute "dating," much less a "relationship."   How your friends and family reacted to whatever you told them is not even pertinent in any way.  

Once again, I will quote from your very first post in this thread, which contains ALL the information you needed to know:

Quote

he kept me at a distance, never flirted over text, messaged in a really formal way, took several days to reply. Confusing given that we connected so well on dates . He had a few problems in the bedroom where he said he was ‘thinking too much’ but I was patient. He said he felt comfortable with me. But whenever I stayed over, he always seemed to want me to leave asap in the morning, never wanted to hang around for long. He planned dates very last minute. He spaced dates apart once every 3 weeks.

This is the story of how you started off your very SHORT dating episode with this guy.  

A "nothingburger."  

Yet - here you still are, draining it for every speck of attention it can get you.  And here I am, responding to this tedious bait yet one more time.  So ... good job!

 

[NuevoYorko]

By the way, this happens to everyone who is dating with a goal of finding a good relationship partner for themselves.   It has nothing to do with your level of lovableness.  

Where you do come into play is in your refusal to take on the information this guy was giving you very openly:  That he was not moving in a direction of a relationship with you.  

Same way you are refusing to take on any of the words people here are saying to you.

You just keep repeating, and repeating, and repeating.

Have you ever tried to get  help through counseling / therapy of some kind?   You really need to take other people into consideration, if you wish to interact and not be isolated in your life.

 

 

[FredEire]

16 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t, i told them I was going on some dates with someone but that he was being a bit hot and cold. And they said ‘don’t write him off just yet, relax and see where it goes.’ My mom had the idea to get him a little gift, as he said he missed a food item he can’t get in this country. It only was cheap but I randomly came across it in a world food shop round the corner from me so I bought him it. I think my family was excited for me and wanted me to show more appreciation for him. My mom even told my hairdresser that I was ‘seeing someone’ and that they talked about how I need to me a bit more loving. My mom doesn’t think I show enough affection and she said ‘make sure you don’t treat him like a brother!’ 

Don't pay any mind to what they say. I personally keep my dating life away from most of my family, except my brother who I know I can talk to and he won't put his oar in one way or another.

I think the hot/cold thing is what drove you crazy, because it appealed to the part of you that thinks you may be unloveable, but there was just enough carrot there that it also appealed to your ego, if I could just win him over, it would prove that I'm definitely loveable! I know because I've been through the same thing.

But until you address the internalised belief that you are unloveable, you are probably going to meet either the same type of guy or ones you are not interested in. I've never heard anyone in a steady LTR say "Yeah he/she was really hot and cold at first but I won them over", it always seems to be that they hit it off pretty much immediately. That's what you want.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I get anxious when dating anyone, I prefer people who are a bit avoidant now it seems, because they don’t smother me . I’m aware of all this and I hope that one day I will be open to love again like my ex 

You want to go back with your ex who told you he was just using you?

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Part of me wonders if the ship has fully sailed with this guy.

Yes, it has and you need to make an appointment with your therapist to see if she can help you get this through your head.  After almost 20 pages of saying the same thing here on LS it is clear that professional help is what you need.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yes, it has and you need to make an appointment with your therapist to see if she can help you get this through your head.  After almost 20 pages of saying the same thing here on LS it is clear that professional help is what you need.

No I promise I’m fine, just venting my feelings here. I was feeling bad due to some other stressors in my life. Venting is my way to relieve them. I have a therapist and I have ocd so I have cycles of rumination, which is worse sometimes. But I’m actually moving on ok even if it sounds like I’m not. I don’t want to talk on this thread anymore as it’s fuelling ocd cycle. 

[PeachPalm1]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You want to go back with your ex who told you he was just using you?

And no I don’t, but I would like to be able to feel what I did toward him, with someone else. Dating him made me feel light and happy and I had no anxiety. And that’s what I hope tobhave next time. I don’t want to comment on thread anymore. This is the last thing 

[PeachPalm1]

19 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Don't pay any mind to what they say. I personally keep my dating life away from most of my family, except my brother who I know I can talk to and he won't put his oar in one way or another.

I think the hot/cold thing is what drove you crazy, because it appealed to the part of you that thinks you may be unloveable, but there was just enough carrot there that it also appealed to your ego, if I could just win him over, it would prove that I'm definitely loveable! I know because I've been through the same thing.

But until you address the internalised belief that you are unloveable, you are probably going to meet either the same type of guy or ones you are not interested in. I've never heard anyone in a steady LTR say "Yeah he/she was really hot and cold at first but I won them over", it always seems to be that they hit it off pretty much immediately. That's what you want.

I live with my parents you see, so it’s hard to hide where I’m going when I tell my parents my whereabouts. And he would pick me up from my house. Maybe you’re right, it must be about the hot and cold thing which does something to my brain. Like dopamine or something, and when he finally messaged me or asked me out , I had dopamine hit. That’s the science behind it. I’m reading up on it and it’s very interesting. Because I know my ex was using me, but he was more consistent and I felt a lot more at peace, and didn’t have this anxiety feeling.

 

I don’t want to comment on this thread anymore. But thank for input 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

People were like ‘oh he’s so nice, at last you found someone!’

That’s such a condescending thing to say. Like you aren’t quite “whole” unless you “find someone”. This kind of thinking might just be one of the reasons why you’re taking it so disproportionately hard.

 

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Like did he like me or did he not 

Who cares? He left you, he didn’t want to be with you. End of story. Get over the freaking guy already! Goodness gracious…😬

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t want to comment on thread anymore. This is the last thing 

Okay, if you want to close this thread you can go to the 3 little dots in the upper right hand corner and tell the Mods to close it.

[Gebidozo]

36 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

By the way, this happens to everyone who is dating with a goal of finding a good relationship partner for themselves.

Absolutely. Anyone who wants something will always end up disappointed and miserable. You have a chance at being happy in a relationship only if you want someone.

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I live with my parents you see, so it’s hard to hide where I’m going when I tell my parents my whereabouts. And he would pick me up from my house. Maybe you’re right, it must be about the hot and cold thing which does something to my brain. Like dopamine or something, and when he finally messaged me or asked me out , I had dopamine hit. That’s the science behind it. I’m reading up on it and it’s very interesting. Because I know my ex was using me, but he was more consistent and I felt a lot more at peace, and didn’t have this anxiety feeling.

 

I don’t want to comment on this thread anymore. But thank for input 

Yes, that's exactly it. In my experience I got exactly the same thing, getting overly excited and happy when they texted, getting so down if I hadn't heard much for a couple of days or got a very brief seemingly disinterested reply. It's very much a drug.

If someone is consistent as you say you won't have that same emotional rollercoaster, but you're not going to question them or feel you need to "win" them over or chase them. Fwiw I think if you had gotten into a relationship the same dance would have continued. Him pulling away and leaving you in the depths then moving close just long enough to give you your dopamine hit. It's the unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about.

Ok, best of luck. It will take you a while to sort this out. Maybe bring some of the thoughts raised in this thread up in counselling and see where it leads you. Apart from that be patient with yourself and definitely put and end to your "friendship" with this guy.

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes, that's exactly it. In my experience I got exactly the same thing, getting overly excited and happy when they texted, getting so down if I hadn't heard much for a couple of days or got a very brief seemingly disinterested reply. It's very much a drug.

If someone is consistent as you say you won't have that same emotional rollercoaster, but you're not going to question them or feel you need to "win" them over or chase them. Fwiw I think if you had gotten into a relationship the same dance would have continued. Him pulling away and leaving you in the depths then moving close just long enough to give you your dopamine hit. It's the unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about.

Ok, best of luck. It will take you a while to sort this out. Maybe bring some of the thoughts raised in this thread up in counselling and see where it leads you. Apart from that be patient with yourself and definitely put and end to your "friendship" with this guy.

One last question before I ask to close thread.. do you think this hot and cold behaviour of his was probably intentional? Like do some guys know how to capture a women’s attention and hook them in this way?

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes, that's exactly it. In my experience I got exactly the same thing, getting overly excited and happy when they texted, getting so down if I hadn't heard much for a couple of days or got a very brief seemingly disinterested reply. It's very much a drug.

If someone is consistent as you say you won't have that same emotional rollercoaster, but you're not going to question them or feel you need to "win" them over or chase them. Fwiw I think if you had gotten into a relationship the same dance would have continued. Him pulling away and leaving you in the depths then moving close just long enough to give you your dopamine hit. It's the unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about.

Ok, best of luck. It will take you a while to sort this out. Maybe bring some of the thoughts raised in this thread up in counselling and see where it leads you. Apart from that be patient with yourself and definitely put and end to your "friendship" with this guy.

And also lastly, I don’t think it will take me much longer to sort it out, despite the thoughts in my post, basically I have been venting kinda things I’ve wondered about. I’ve actually spent 6 months healing and working on myself. I just had a bad day last week after something happened. (I’m job hunting at the moment and I have way too much spare time until my career resumes again and it’s not doing good having all this time to think). And it set me off but weirdly I woke up this morning not that bothered by it all. I know I will meet someone eventually who wants me from the start. I’ve come a long long way after healing from my ex. In fact I even approached this currently dating situation in a completely different way (basically focusing on my career, friendships, and hobbies above dating that guy so that I had other things to focus on.), I still got attached of course but I feel it was the weird nature of the situation I had with this guy. I’ve seen my friends become just like me with hot and cold guys too. 

I actually feel a lot more positive. I feel like this thread makes it look like I’m really struggling but I just wanted to vent about the situation before I move on. I don’t think him coming back to be friends helped, even though I thought it would. I have deleted his number now