do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[Lotsgoingon]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He told me he was looking for a long term relationship and he felt settled here.

And tell myself all the time that I will get up and run 6 miles in the morning and avoid carbs & eat vegetables only the rest of the day. So what?!

You want to judge his actions--not what he says. Lots of people say all kinds of things that disconnected from how they really are.

 

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 anyway, it’s weird how he wanted to be friends and still he dips in and out of my life all the time 

I don't think it's weird per se because I can see what he's doing and why he's doing it. Like others, I think he's manipulative. He's using you. When he needs an ego boost, he seeks you out. And what happens when he gets hold of you? You treat him like a demi-god, he feels better about himself, he no longer needs you, he puts you back on the "shelf," and he gets on with his life. He will return much later, when he needs another ego boost.

And because you are seeking affirmation that you are beautiful and that you deserve to be loved, you accept his mistreatment of you. One of the reasons why he keeps coming back and doing this to you again and again is because you allow him to. Don't get me wrong. This is who he is. He does the same thing with plenty of other people. But some get tired of being used and shut the door on him. Unfortunately, you interpret his behavior as somehow being your fault, so instead of shutting the door on him, you spend a lot of energy blaming yourself.

The moment you decide that you are a person who is worthy of love and all the beautiful things you want for yourself, you will stop sitting passively and allowing people to do whatever they want to you. Instead, you will set the standard for how you want to be treated, and you will be quick to get rid of people who violate that standard. 

You should have blocked this guy a long time ago. Block him today. He is not your friend.

And take a long break from dating. You need to stop seeking affirmation from other people and learn to find affirmation within yourself. And you must build your self-esteem to healthy levels. When you're emotionally healthy, you will be in a much better position to recognize when the people you're dating are wrong for you.

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't think it's weird per se because I can see what he's doing and why he's doing it. Like others, I think he's manipulative. He's using you. When he needs an ego boost, he seeks you out. And what happens when he gets hold of you? You treat him like a demi-god, he feels better about himself, he no longer needs you, he puts you back on the "shelf," and he gets on with his life. He will return much later, when he needs another ego boost.

And because you are seeking affirmation that you are beautiful and that you deserve to be loved, you accept his mistreatment of you. One of the reasons why he keeps coming back and doing this to you again and again is because you allow him to. Don't get me wrong. This is who he is. He does the same thing with plenty of other people. But some get tired of being used and shut the door on him. Unfortunately, you interpret his behavior as somehow being your fault, so instead of shutting the door on him, you spend a lot of energy blaming yourself.

The moment you decide that you are a person who is worthy of love and all the beautiful things you want for yourself, you will stop sitting passively and allowing people to do whatever they want to you. Instead, you will set the standard for how you want to be treated, and you will be quick to get rid of people who violate that standard. 

You should have blocked this guy a long time ago. Block him today. He is not your friend.

And take a long break from dating. You need to stop seeking affirmation from other people and learn to find affirmation within yourself. And you must build your self-esteem to healthy levels. When you're emotionally healthy, you will be in a much better position to recognize when the people you're dating are wrong for you.

I don’t treat him like any Demi-god. I just reply to his messages, friendly but not over the top. I’m very blunt most of the time too, though he said he liked that about me how I speak my mind and how I tell him if I don’t like something. I’ve already told him many times him messaging me and then not replying for days that I don’t like it. So I’m aware when people are being weird but most people in life are flakey so it’s a case of observing them and then speaking up 
 

actually have had a long break from dating. He just came back recently to be friends.

 

im quite an argumentative person and a little bit bossy.I’ve had exes come back to me solely because they are attracted to intelligence and know they get a good discussion going with me. Might be the same with this guy. Like the other week, he said something and I told him ‘I just want to say, you sound incredibly patronising there and I don’t appreciate that.’

 

he doesn’t seem the type to need an ego boost.he’s successful and confident. 

[basil67]

On 5/17/2024 at 8:30 PM, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m 29 and never had a partner

vs 

26 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve had exes come back to me solely because they are attracted to intelligence and know they get a good discussion going with me.

Hang on, you say you've never had a partner, then you refer to exes (plural!) coming back to you.   Both can't be true, so which one is the falsehood?

 

Edited May 19, 2024 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

vs 

Hang on, you say you've never had a partner, then you refer to exes (plural!) coming back to you.   Both can't be true, so which one is the falsehood?

 

I call them exes bht they just people I dated that it wasn’t official with. Exes to me but not officially partners. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I call them exes bht they just people I dated that it wasn’t official with. Exes to me but not officially partners. 

OK. so you've just said that you are argumentative and bossy.  Neither of these are positive traits and will wear people out.  

I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, but being a partner involves teamwork and mutual respect.  Being argumentative and bossy is the anthesis of respect.   Learn to work as a team.  Learn to agree to disagree.  Learn when to leave things be.  

For what it's worth, I'm a woman and would never consider a relationship with a guy who was argumentative and bossy no matter how smart and attractive he may be

Edited May 19, 2024 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK. so you've just said that you are argumentative and bossy.  Neither of these are positive traits and will wear people out.  

I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, but being a partner involves teamwork and mutual respect.  Being argumentative and bossy is the anthesis of respect.   Learn to work as a team.  Learn to agree to disagree.  Learn when to leave things be.  

For what it's worth, I'm a woman and would never consider a relationship with a guy who was argumentative and bossy no matter how smart and attractive he may be

No but not overly, I’ve like checked with people. Like people say my bossiness is not overbearing, it’s just I’m assertive and decisive.bossy was the wrong word. Basically what I’m saying is I can hold my own. I speak my mind, I communciaye etc

but with guy I felt more scared to do so out of fear of losing him or being too much 

[PeachPalm1]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK. so you've just said that you are argumentative and bossy.  Neither of these are positive traits and will wear people out.  

I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, but being a partner involves teamwork and mutual respect.  Being argumentative and bossy is the anthesis of respect.   Learn to work as a team.  Learn to agree to disagree.  Learn when to leave things be.  

For what it's worth, I'm a woman and would never consider a relationship with a guy who was argumentative and bossy no matter how smart and attractive he may be

Sorry I think I used the wrong words. I’ve actually never had an argument with a man, I’m just assertive with boundaries. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wasting an awful lot of brain power on a guy who isn't that bothered, OP. 

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are wasting an awful lot of brain power on a guy who isn't that bothered, OP. 

 

He just messaged me now after 2 weeks ignoring me to see how I’m doing and sent me a recipe he thinks I will like, ugh.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why "ugh"?

You keep letting him do this. He clearly sees you as a buddy and that's it. If you don't like it, block him. You aren't a passive bystander to your own happiness. 

Edited May 19, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[PeachPalm1]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why "ugh"?

You keep letting him do this. He clearly sees you as a buddy and that's it. If you don't like it, block him. You aren't a passive bystander to your own happiness. 

If this is the most I’ve ever connected with someone and the only person in my life who checks in with me regularly, I’m wondering if that does mean something wrong with me. Like he does make effort but sporadically like everyone else in my lfie

we are long distant too so given the distance he does ok 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

the only person in my life who checks in with me regularly

He isn't really checking in, though. He randomly messages you or sends meaningless recipes. That isn't "checking in."

7 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m wondering if that does mean something wrong with me

You said you have ask your friends for feedback. What have they told you? 

[Weezy1973]

42 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He just messaged me now after 2 weeks ignoring me to see how I’m doing and sent me a recipe he thinks I will like, ugh.

This seems like a fairly normal thing for a friend to do. So he’s not really doing anything wrong here. If you can’t handle it, then you have to tell him that because you still have romantic feelings for him, you can’t just be friends. Then block and delete. It will help you move on. And it’s also consistent with assertively maintaining boundaries, which is how you describe yourself.

Edited May 19, 2024 by Weezy1973

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

If this is the most I’ve ever connected with someone and the only person in my life who checks in with me regularly, I’m wondering if that does mean something wrong with me. Like he does make effort but sporadically like everyone else in my lfie

we are long distant too so given the distance he does ok 

Well, you both are 'sorta' friends, and that's what they do - they check in with each other and maintain communication (even if it's just random recipes). But why do you think that means there's something wrong with you? 

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He isn't really checking in, though. He randomly messages you or sends meaningless recipes. That isn't "checking in."

You said you have ask your friends for feedback. What have they told you? 

That I’m a kind and empathetic person and they don’t know why I’ve never had a partner 

 

I just worry I’m universally not what men want. That they can always find better despite the connection we share. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

That I’m a kind and empathetic person and they don’t know why I’ve never had a partner 

 

I just worry I’m universally not what men want. That they can always find better despite the connection we share. 

Maybe these men are most likely the player type...smooth talkers, charmers, know how to connect with women emotionally through manipulation, but once they see you can't be fooled by their tactics they walk away. Your picker is off. You are not selecting the right kind of guy...and so what if they say they are looking for a relationship...it can be all BS and part of their game.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Maybe these men are most likely the player type...smooth talkers, charmers, know how to connect with women emotionally through manipulation, but once they see you can't be fooled by their tactics they walk away. Your picker is off. You are not selecting the right kind of guy...and so what if they say they are looking for a relationship...it can be all BS and part of their game.

I feel attraction physically to like one man a year.and last guy it was him. It’s sooo rare that I actually fancy someone and I felt relieved when I met him. I even thought I was asexual but then i desired him bad. He wasn’t even that attractive, but he was to me. I’m scared I will never feel it again or will have to settle for someone I don’t find physically attractive and then I will be using them

this guy definitely wasn’t the player type. I don’t like player type boys. When I do like a guy they all tend to be super nerdy, intelligent and motivated men 

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I feel attraction physically to like one man a year.and last guy it was him. It’s sooo rare that I actually fancy someone and I felt relieved when I met him. I even thought I was asexual but then i desired him bad. He wasn’t even that attractive, but he was to me. I’m scared I will never feel it again or will have to settle for someone I don’t find physically attractive and then I will be using them

this guy definitely wasn’t the player type. I don’t like player type boys. When I do like a guy they all tend to be super nerdy, intelligent and motivated men 

If you struggle with this, this badly, then I suggest a therapist to get some answers....you shouldn't be navigating this on your own.

[smackie9]

BTW players come in all shapes and sizes...not all are your typical open shirt, gold chain wearing, clubbing guys. They can be intelligent/reliable/super kind and friendly/caring and still play that game. I know someone who is exactly that. I saw right through his nonsense, but so many well educated women that fell for him and his bs. He was a serial cheater to boot.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If you struggle with this, this badly, then I suggest a therapist to get some answers....you shouldn't be navigating this on your own.

It can be normal to feel attraction rarely?

it’s like I feel it in an all or nothing way. With him on the first date, I was just smitten and it felt amazing. When he held my hand, I felt in heaven. And I finally enjoyed sex for the first time in my life 

I don’t think that needs a therapist? I have a therapist however for bereavement and loneliness. Attraction is such a weird thing I wish I felt it more 

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

BTW players come in all shapes and sizes...not all are your typical open shirt, gold chain wearing, clubbing guys. They can be intelligent/reliable/super kind and friendly/caring and still play that game. I know someone who is exactly that. I saw right through his nonsense, but so many well educated women that fell for him and his bs. He was a serial cheater to boot.

I thought if he was a player, he would follow dozens of girls on instagram, but I appear to be the only woman he follows in 100 people. That aren’t his family 

unless he is gay or something. In the bedroom he said he was thinking too much. Dates were mainly daytime dates and he wouldn’t ask me to stay or anything.
 

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

Please Do NOT have that mindset. It simply has NOT been the “right guy” so far. Of course, that can change when you least expect it.😊

I don’t think so. Keep seeing TikTok videos explaining the uk dating scene and basically it’s all messed up. 
 

I don’t even believe in the right guy thing. Because honestly this guy has been the right guy out of anyone I’ve met. Even 4 years ago I was invisible to men. I feel like men have endless options and I can’t compete anymore. 
 

I just wish this guy would realise and change his mind 

 

even the last guy I dated for a whole year, I was so happy and out of the blue he said he dated me as lonely and never fell in love so I feel like men when I find one will just settle for me

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

just wish this guy would realise

Realize what? 

[Lotsgoingon]

By  definition the right guy is someone who is wildly interested in you--and who is consistent.

And when people say "the right guy" really most of us mean "a right guy." There are a thousand guys in the world that could be right for you. Let's back off of the juvenile fantasy that creeps into our minds that there is such a thing as an effortless, frictionless, painless, all-bliss, perfect-fit relationship. Does not exist. 

And look, the real lesson of dating is that we can fall hard, fall  deeply in love with someone, and  still that does NOT really mean this person is in fact a good match for us. The women I fell hardest and fastest for turned out not to be particularly good partners.

The brain that gets us to fall in love does not realistically examine the strengths and weaknesses of the other person. The brain that falls in love doesn't know how much debt the person has, or how they've treated previous lovers, or how they get along really with their parents and siblings. And btw: in some cases, in really toxic families, it's healthier than the person DOES NOT get along with their parents and siblings. It can take us half a year to a year or more to figure out that. We can only know a partner is good for us after we see how they are when they are sick or how they treat us when we are sick or how they handle money and how they are under stress and how they really perform on their jobs and on and on. 

You can only know if someone is good for you after you have had arguments and conflicts and disagreements and after you figure out that you and the partner can resolve real disagreements and differences. 

Every partner has a side (multiple sides really) that will get on our nerves. It takes time to figure out that we can handle their particular insecurities and wounds and traumas and that they can handle ours.