do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[FredEire]

24 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last question before I ask to close thread.. do you think this hot and cold behaviour of his was probably intentional? Like do some guys know how to capture a women’s attention and hook them in this way?

There are guys out there who "game" women with this kind of behaviour. Based on what you said I don't think so, I think he was probably just all over the place and not at all sure what he wanted. I've met a lot of them travelling, and you said he was one of them. A lost soul.

It seems you may have had a bit of "broken wing syndrome" as well, wanting to fix him in some way and be fixed yourself through him.

Edited May 28, 2024 by FredEire

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And also lastly, I don’t think it will take me much longer to sort it out, despite the thoughts in my post, basically I have been venting kinda things I’ve wondered about. I’ve actually spent 6 months healing and working on myself. I just had a bad day last week after something happened. (I’m job hunting at the moment and I have way too much spare time until my career resumes again and it’s not doing good having all this time to think). And it set me off but weirdly I woke up this morning not that bothered by it all. I know I will meet someone eventually who wants me from the start. I’ve come a long long way after healing from my ex. In fact I even approached this currently dating situation in a completely different way (basically focusing on my career, friendships, and hobbies above dating that guy so that I had other things to focus on.), I still got attached of course but I feel it was the weird nature of the situation I had with this guy. I’ve seen my friends become just like me with hot and cold guys too. 

I actually feel a lot more positive. I feel like this thread makes it look like I’m really struggling but I just wanted to vent about the situation before I move on. I don’t think him coming back to be friends helped, even though I thought it would. I have deleted his number now

Good for you! Sounds like you are on the right track.

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

There are guys out there who "game" women with this kind of behaviour. Based on what you said I don't think so, I think he was probably just all over the place and not at all sure what he wanted. I've met a lot of them travelling, and you said he was one of them. A lost soul.

It seems you may have had a bit of "broken wing syndrome" as well, wanting to fix him in some way and be fixed yourself through him.

I never wanted to fix him. I actually thought he was very mature and well to do, successful, capable man. I didn’t see him as someone who needed fixing, genuinely. I felt he was the opposite of my ex. My ex was struggling with finances and never took me on a date, which I was understanding of for a while, but I genuinely wanted to ‘fix’ my ex I realised. I wanted to do everything for him but more selfishly so he would be in a better position to date me. I reflected on this and completely aware of it. I would never do that again. That’s why with this guy, I was supportive but I didn’t like do things so he would stay with me. I could have done, but I chose not to and to be more authentic. I was confident he was someone able to sort themselves out and that was one of his traits that most attracted me to him. 
 

I never felt broken myself dating him. I did worry I wasn’t good enough but I never said anything of the sorts. It’s just he had such a good career, very busy life with hobbies, when I was stuck in a job I didn’t like and worried that I was boring whilst job hunting. I think my main problem in life right now is I feel unfulfilled as I am job hunting 

 

maybe things will come together soon. I hope my job gets better too

[ZA Dater]

Must say this thread resonates with me, you feel some hope which is basically false hope. The best advice I can give you as someone who is going through this at the moment is to try find positives to distract yourself.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

All the OP needs is the RIGHT guy to date. It’s really that simple. She will be fine I do believe 

You don't have any sense that she may be self -sabotaging, inadvertently, by refusing (whether intentionally or subconsciously, who knows) to actually react to what the other person has put forth in their interactions with one another?

I would see this as an absolute roadblock for anyone who is behaving this way.

If they won't "hear" a guy telling them that he does not feel romantic towards her, and won't "hear" any of the things people are saying on this thread ... what is the magical formula a man will possess that will make him the "right" fit for her?

I stand by my belief that any healthy relationship and a lot of unhealthy ones require the participation of both / all people involved to even exist.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You don't have any sense that she may be self -sabotaging, inadvertently, by refusing (whether intentionally or subconsciously, who knows) to actually react to what the other person has put forth in their interactions with one another?

I would see this as an absolute roadblock for anyone who is behaving this way.

If they won't "hear" a guy telling them that he does not feel romantic towards her, and won't "hear" any of the things people are saying on this thread ... what is the magical formula a man will possess that will make him the "right" fit for her?

I stand by my belief that any healthy relationship and a lot of unhealthy ones require the participation of both / all people involved to even exist.

I was aware of the signs when we were dating. The slow replies, the hot and cold and I raised it with him. I discussed it with my friend. He was going through something difficult at the same time as it all happening too so I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to bring it up. I politely addressed the subject and that I needed more communication and he did improve. Deep down I kinda knew maybe he didn’t like me and I was making excuses. Especially made more confusing by the fact he seemed so into me in person so I thought he was just a bad texter, and a busy guy.

 

I do understand that he said he didn’t feel romantic, it’s just hard for me to understand the why. Especially as I didn’t get the closure I needed, and especially as it felt like a kick in the teeth after my ex before me told me he never fell in love with me.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And no I don’t, but I would like to be able to feel what I did toward him, with someone else. Dating him made me feel light and happy and I had no anxiety. And that’s what I hope tobhave next time. I don’t want to comment on thread anymore. This is the last thing 

The goal should be for you to feel light, happy and with no anxiety without a man in your life.  Then you will be ready for a relationship.  Don't look to a man to save you.  You are the only person who can give you closure.  Any questions that you may have for him the answers will just lead to more questions the way you are doing here, going around and around.

I see you're still responding.

Edited May 28, 2024 by stillafool

[Gebidozo]

51 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I do understand that he said he didn’t feel romantic, it’s just hard for me to understand the why.

This question makes no sense at all.

You can’t ask why a person did not feel romantic about you. He just didn’t. Period. End of story.

It’s like asking why I don’t like soy milk. I just don’t. If soy milk were you, it would pester me obsessively about why I don’t like it, till I’d begin to hate it. It would start a 20-page thread full of repetitive, mantra-like posts stating that it’s actually a great milk, but something must be wrong with it if I don’t like it.

You’re too self-centered and I’m beginning to think that deep down you really feel that men must l fall in love with you.

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This question makes no sense at all.

You can’t ask why a person did not feel romantic about you. He just didn’t. Period. End of story.

It’s like asking why I don’t like soy milk. I just don’t. If soy milk were you, it would pester me obsessively about why I don’t like it, till I’d begin to hate it. It would start a 20-page thread full of repetitive, mantra-like posts stating that it’s actually a great milk, but something must be wrong with it if I don’t like it.

You’re too self-centered and I’m beginning to think that deep down you really feel that men must l fall in love with you.

 

I’m not self centred. Just a bit hurt from my ex boyfriend who said he dated me only as he was lonely. And then meeting this guy a year later. I suppose I only go on lots of dates if I like a guy. The way he acted on dates was like he really wanted me. Hence my confusion. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

he seemed so into me in person so I thought he was just a bad texter, and a busy guy.

???  He cut your dates short.  He was uncomfortable with you sexually, and he hurried you out of the house in mornings if you'd spent the night.  None of those qualify as signals that a person is "so into" you.  Sorry.   

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 

I do understand that he said he didn’t feel romantic, it’s just hard for me to understand the why. Especially as I didn’t get the closure I needed

This has been clarified for you at great length. The "soy milk" analogy above expresses it perfectly.   Not everybody is a fit for everybody else.  Is this news for you? 

And the guy owes you NOTHING.  "Closure" is not required, especially when you've had  minimal  interaction.  It certainly is not his responsibility to provide that for you.  Telling you he's not feeling romantic is enough.

 When people are dating,  the whole point is to LEARN if they are compatible and attractive enough to each other (TWO WAY STREET) to keep going forward.  The majority of times, the answer is NO.   This goes for everyone including people who are super gorgeous or dripping with wealth.  

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

and especially as it felt like a kick in the teeth after my ex before me told me he never fell in love with me.

You're all over the map about your "ex."  

Are you aware that you've said more than one time on this thread that you have NEVER had a guy interested in having  a relationship with you?

Then you say you had 2 boyfriends.

This ex you've brought up numerous times.  Recently you wrote that he never took you on a single date.

I'm wondering how you and he identified yourselves as being a couple if you didn't go out.

You've stated that you are several different ages throughout the thread also.  When my daughter was in middle school (about 11 years old) she and her friends were always talking about who was "going out" with who.  We used to crack up.  Because they were 11, and if we, their parents, were not driving them someplace, nobody was going out.  

It kind of sounds like that situation.  Except you say you're in your late 20's and you have had sexual relationships.  So I do hope you're out of the pre-teen and teenage years, however old you are really.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m not self centred. Just a bit hurt from my ex boyfriend who said he dated me only as he was lonely. And then meeting this guy a year later. I suppose I only go on lots of dates if I like a guy. The way he acted on dates was like he really wanted me. Hence my confusion. 

It was established earlier that been using the term “ex” to describe men who weren’t actually boyfriends.  Was this guy your actual boyfriend or one of the guys you dated for a bit and it didn’t work out?

[PeachPalm1]

20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

???  He cut your dates short.  He was uncomfortable with you sexually, and he hurried you out of the house in mornings if you'd spent the night.  None of those qualify as signals that a person is "so into" you.  Sorry.   

This has been clarified for you at great length. The "soy milk" analogy above expresses it perfectly.   Not everybody is a fit for everybody else.  Is this news for you? 

And the guy owes you NOTHING.  "Closure" is not required, especially when you've had  minimal  interaction.  It certainly is not his responsibility to provide that for you.  Telling you he's not feeling romantic is enough.

 When people are dating,  the whole point is to LEARN if they are compatible and attractive enough to each other (TWO WAY STREET) to keep going forward.  The majority of times, the answer is NO.   This goes for everyone including people who are super gorgeous or dripping with wealth.  

You're all over the map about your "ex."  

Are you aware that you've said more than one time on this thread that you have NEVER had a guy interested in having  a relationship with you?

Then you say you had 2 boyfriends.

This ex you've brought up numerous times.  Recently you wrote that he never took you on a single date.

I'm wondering how you and he identified yourselves as being a couple if you didn't go out.

You've stated that you are several different ages throughout the thread also.  When my daughter was in middle school (about 11 years old) she and her friends were always talking about who was "going out" with who.  We used to crack up.  Because they were 11, and if we, their parents, were not driving them someplace, nobody was going out.  

It kind of sounds like that situation.  Except you say you're in your late 20's and you have had sexual relationships.  So I do hope you're out of the pre-teen and teenage years, however old you are really.

I’m 28.

and with my ex, I was the one that planned all the dates. My ex woukd ask to see me and as he was new in my town said he didn’t know what was around, so I booked escape rooms, days out, trips etc 

 

with the last guy I thought he was into me on dates as he couldn’t take his hands of me, making out with me and literally moaning with pleasure as he kissed me, asking me lots of deep questions , kissing my forehead, telling me ‘omg you are so so so hot!’… 

Edited May 29, 2024 by PeachPalm1

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m 28.

and with my ex, I was the one that planned all the dates. My ex woukd ask to see me and as he was new in my town said he didn’t know what was around, so I booked escape rooms, days out, trips etc 

That's BS dating!  Anyone who's capable of using a computer can use Google to search "what's on this weekend" in a town or city.   Don't ever settle for someone so lazy that you have to plan all the dates.  

 

15 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

with the last guy I thought he was into me on dates as he couldn’t take his hands of me, making out with me and literally moaning with pleasure as he kissed me, asking me lots of deep questions , kissing my forehead, telling me ‘omg you are so so so hot!’… 

Did he ever take you on dates?   If not, then it was nothing more than a hookup situation

I do understand how confusing it is.   I was in my teens when I figured out that pretty much any guy would be up for fooling around, but the guys who are actually interested in more would arrange dates and generally make time for me outside the house/backseat of the car.    How about you make a rule to not have sex with guys who aren't doing nice things with you outside the house? 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I do understand that he said he didn’t feel romantic, it’s just hard for me to understand the why

This is entitlement.  As if he has no right to not feel romantic towards you.   He doesn't owe you closure nor can he give that to you.  You were not his girlfriend but someone he dated and had sex with. 

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m 28.

You were 27 last week. Did you have a birthday?