Looking for thoughts

[PhilipScottDavidson]

Hello everyone,

I want to start by saying that nothing that is said to me will be taken critically of defensively, rather I am looking to find a rational solution that will best suit all parties involved. This might involve some background, and might involve people asking questions if anyone has a desire to assist me with ideas or feedback.

I am a married man, aged 41 and my wife is 40. We have been married since we were 23 years old and we have no children (both never had that desire). Our marriage has always been solid, I suppose that is the best word, and we have made a stable existence together. However, at around age 30 or just above, there have definitely been some areas of separation that have appeared. I suppose we just decided to work around them and live life accordingly. I want to try and address them one by one so that I can provide a full, clear, and fair picture of where we are:

1. I got back into fitness and sports at around age 30, and my wife was happy for me, but she certainly got more sedentary. I decided to start playing adult sports, and she was happier sitting at home on the computer, reading or playing video games. We did try to engage each other in that world, but I really had no interest in playing video games, and she had no interest in sports. We just took a turn there and lived our own little separate piece, but we did make an effort to check in on each other. 

2. She would watch tv shows or movies on her laptop that I wasn’t interested in, and I would occasionally watch shows, but I’m not huge on that sort of thing. Watching a sports game on a Saturday morning is fine for me, but other than that I am not one to lounge about watching tv unless it’s a good tv series. Even then, it’s a couple of episodes a night until the series is over. We certainly differed there.

3. This is a painful one to admit, but it’s true. Her weight went up and up. We had a conversation about it at age 30 when our sex life diminished. She told me that she knows why I don’t initiate sex anymore, and that really broke my heart. The truth is, her weight was into the mid 200s and I tried, but it was so difficult for me. I managed to have sex, but it got more and more difficult. I hated that she had a lack of self worth as a result of a physical reaction that I was not having, and it was a hard conversation. I told her that I would support her, and she wanted to lose weight. I found ways to have sex as often as I could but, to be very honest, it wasn’t easy. Her weight went up about another 30lbs, and I know this bothers her. To be very honest, I just decided that I didn’t need sex in my life. I wasn’t going to seek it elsewhere. I could not do that. She ended up sleeping in the next room as it caused her to snore badly and she knew I couldn’t sleep and wake up refreshed for a job where I had to be alert. Again, I felt really bad about this. 

4. At this point, we fell into a routine of house mates in a comfortable relationship. We would occasionally have sex, we will make time to catch up on each other’s day as we get home. I’ll go outside and work out (we have a yard that allows me to do drills I enjoy and do yard work). We have tried being outside working together, but it’s just not her interest, and that’s ok. We will make time to go to dinner for date nights. 

5. Recently we did have a conversations about how we have a room mate marriage since neither of us is stupid and know it feels less than perfect. She asked if I wanted to date other people. Not her, me. If I needed it. I said that I did not. She said that she would understand, and that she is weird in that polyamory would not bother her. Personally, I think that is part of her justifying any pain she expects to come her way. Honestly, I am not. I am just not wired like that. I did tell her that I feel rather in a routine, and that there are missing elements. I told her that I love her. 

6. She did note that the conversation made her think of me leaving, and that it hurts not that we would go our separate ways, but because I was the only man that ever chose her, and that she would let me go if that is what I wanted. She said she knows nobody is me, but she is also realistic that nobody would want her now. It broke my heart, and I do not think it was a guilt trip. She has been more attentive with caring words since then, and I do appreciate it. However, I believe our lives are so far apart. The big problem is, we are best friends, we have a huge history, she has always been there for me, and I think id rather be a rock and support her through our lives than leave. I am not happy, but I fear the outcome of a divorce would be much worse, and destroy her life. 

[emi]

When i was married, my still-husband would sit on the same room with me playing video games hours on end. If he didnt play, he would be watching some shorts on youtube or talking to other people. It went on for years. I thought he cant change. Guess what, the moment i left his life, he turns into a complete new person. I cant see when is the last time he logged on into his gaming account. He starts going out, riding bike, do things i never thought he could be doing before. To be honest, people might suprise you on what they can and what not. If you feels like you and her arent happy together anymore , give it a break. It might just be what you both need. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, PhilipScottDavidson said:

We did try to engage each other in that world, but I really had no interest in playing video games, and she had no interest in sports.

If this sums up the efforts you've made, then neither of you are trying hard enough.  What have both of you done to find commonality outside of video games and sports?  

When's the last time you went on a date?   Go the the movies. Try a new restaurant. Go and enjoy a beautiful garden.  A gentle stroll in a nature reserve.  An open day at a historic place. Art gallery. Picnic.  Watch a new series everyone is raving over.  Cook a nice meal together.  

I'm so incredibly sad that your wife feels so bad about herself that she believes nobody will date her.  And it appears you've said nothing to contradict that.  While she may not be the weight you desire, I've just done a rough BMI calculation and unless she's very short, she is obese....but not severely or even morbidly obese.  Plenty of women her size do find men who adore them.   Honestly, I don't think it's a stretch to imagine that her lack of self esteem, combined with a marriage which neither of you are making a serious effort to nurture has got her just feeling worse and worse about herself.   

Instead of talking about how the two of you have become roommates, try discussing how to fix the situation.  Think outside the square.  And please have a compassionate talk about her mental health and encourage her to see a doctor if depression could be an issue.  

 

[PhilipScottDavidson]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If this sums up the efforts you've made, then neither of you are trying hard enough.  What have both of you done to find commonality outside of video games and sports?  

When's the last time you went on a date?   Go the the movies. Try a new restaurant. Go and enjoy a beautiful garden.  A gentle stroll in a nature reserve.  An open day at a historic place. Art gallery. Picnic.  Watch a new series everyone is raving over.  Cook a nice meal together.  

I'm so incredibly sad that your wife feels so bad about herself that she believes nobody will date her.  And it appears you've said nothing to contradict that.  While she may not be the weight you desire, I've just done a rough BMI calculation and unless she's very short, she is obese....but not severely or even morbidly obese.  Plenty of women her size do find men who adore them.   Honestly, I don't think it's a stretch to imagine that her lack of self esteem, combined with a marriage which neither of you are making a serious effort to nurture has got her just feeling worse and worse about herself.   

Instead of talking about how the two of you have become roommates, try discussing how to fix the situation.  Think outside the square.  And please have a compassionate talk about her mental health and encourage her to see a doctor if depression could be an issue.  

 

I should have been a lot more clear, and for that I apologize. We have certainly tried and done a lot more. I would say that we fit in a date night about once every two weeks, whether it be a lunch date or a dinner date. We are not much for movies unless it is something special, but we still go. With meals, she cooks and I do the prep and clean up-playing to our skill sets. We talk during this, but it often seems procedural. 
 

her weight is a topic I hate to talk about since she has tried and failed, and he physical had her bmi up to 50.7. I didn’t pry into the specifics since it had resulted in hurt feelings before, so I told her that I would support her any way she needed. I felt she needed control, but I wanted her to know I’d help as best I could. Again, I know this one makes her feel bad either way. 

We have her a therapist, and she is about two years in. Again, I probably left out a lot as it has been a lot.

I’m not fulfilled, but leaning towards staying and fulfilling the promises I made at my wedding. I feel obligated there, and the idea of hurting her does make me sad.

Thank you for the feedback. 

[tzorno]

My ex-wife used the excuse that I would never do the things that she wanted to do and that's just not true.  I feel you both are leaning in that direction.  You like to work out, she doesn't,,,,so what?  She likes to play video games, you don't,,,,so what?  If you love each other, those thing's shouldn't matter.  My ex-wife got heavy at a time (so much so that she had gastric bypass surgery) and I told her I didn't care if she weighed 600 lbs. that I would always love her.  Little things like that help because they are depressed and embarrassed about it.  

Find other things that you both might enjoy.  There also needs to be give and take.  My girlfriend likes comedies and romcons, so that's what we watch.  She hates violence and gore so we skip the horror and action movies although she offered to see them because I like them.  

Anyways, i'm just babbling.  Take any advice I give with a grain of salt as I come from a failed marriage.