On and off

[Goodpal]

Going to make this quick. I was married for 20 years until my wife decided to leave me. Thankfully the kids were all grown when this happened. Anyhow, before the ink was dry on the divorce papers I met another woman. We clicked instantly and it was a whirlwind romance. After about a year I broke things off because I knew I wasn't ready to go forward. She continued to pursue me and my emotions got the best of me and we got back together. Several months later I broke it off again and again she pursued and we reconnected. 

Months go by and the pressure to get married starts to come up. We break up again and of course get back together. Shortly thereafter we get engaged. She moves in temporarily and it just absolutely overwhelms me. I feel like I have no space to think. She gets her own place and things seem a little better. However, I still have that nagging feeling that I'm not ready so I break it off again. 

When she's not w/ me my brain flip and all I can do is think about her. Doesn't help that she continues to reach out. Couple months later we get back together. Felt very strong and good but now all of those feelings have crept in again and I feel overwhelmed and want an exit strategy. She said the last break up would be the last but I don't know if it's true. How do you stop this roller coaster?

[Gebidozo]

You stop this rollercoaster by stopping both extremes. Stop the pressure, and stop breaking up every time there is pressure.

Why is there such a rush to live together and get married? If you aren’t comfortable with that pace, if it stresses you out so much, why don’t you just tell her you need more time? Why don’t you guys sit down, discuss it, and find a reasonable timeframe for living together, marrying, and so on?

But breaking up every time you’re stressed out is even more insane. If you keep getting back together, why do you keep breaking up with her? Honestly, it’s hard to imagine why she tolerates such treatment from you.

Unless she is into this insanity and just enjoys the rollercoaster. Perhaps you’re enjoying it too? I can’t fathom how this could be a recipe for a good, lasting relationship, but to each their own…

[Gaeta]

What is really bothering you deep down? Is it possible she's the only woman you were intimate with after your wife and you feel you did not enjoy singlehood enough before settling down again?

[Goodpal]

Thank you both for the replies.

I feel like I'm in a difficult place. I love this woman but there are many things that I don't feel particularly comfortable with, things I overlooked because I didn't intend to be with her forever in the beginning - addiction issues, different values, lifestyle issues. I feel like when we met I was sort of in a crisis mindset and I was just looking to have fun. However, she and I became really attached. This is my fault for jumping in too quickly after a divorce. My head was not ready for a relationship. Now I'm deep into one again and I have so many reservations.

I am striving to be a certain type of person. A person of integrity and self-control. In the beginning I was drinking too much. I'm stopping that and that in and of itself causes problems. I'm starting to visualize a future I want and I'm just not sure she fits in w/ it. I don't want her to change for me at all. I'd rather find someone who is already on a similar page in life. But then there are so many good things regarding the relationship too. Has anyone bene in this situation before? How did it turn out?

Gp