Would like to resolve this. social fear ?

[X-Man]

Hello,

I am not really experienced in  relationship issues for someone in my age anyway, but I like to resolve this. There seems to be so much social fear around nowadays and I would like to understand why. 

I meet this woman at McDonalds. She works there, we where talking for a while and I gave her my number. She is 31 years old.  She said she is sure she will call me. 

Unfortunately one of her colleagues have seen I gave her my phone number and someone complained to the manager. Ten minutes later the manger turned up on my table and advised me to keep myself to myself. 

The next day I asked her colleagues, why he has complained to the manger and he said, It wasn't him but herself (was not sure if it was true). 

However, I left it to it and have done what the manger have said and didn't talk with her anymore, until she started herself to come over and put her arm around me behind my chair. 

I started to have a little small talk with her to get to know her, when I was at McDonalds after work. 

Before I went to Greece for a long holiday, I asked her out for dinner. She didn't say no directly, but we didn't go . I sent her a post card from Greece. 

Since I have been back, from Greece we have been talking only once. Now she tries to get out of my way as much as possible. 

I have absolutely no problem if she says, she is just not interested, but I would like to understand, why she tries to get out of my way so much? 

 

Thank you for your Help!

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, X-Man said:

I have absolutely no problem if she says, she is just not interested, but I would like to understand, why she tries to get out of my way so much?

Many women do a lot of what you might call "indirect communication". I think this is her indirect way of telling you that indeed she's not interested and likely feels somewhat awkward around you as well. It's easier to just avoid you than tell you directly "she's not interested".

She may also be one of those women who has dysfunctional behaviors when it comes to romance. Or it's possible the manager has a grudge against her and is looking for excuses to get her in trouble (such as "talking inappropriately to customers").

At any rate, you're much better off IMO simply recognizing that she doesn't want to talk to you and accepting that. Go your own way and don't fixate on her.

Edited May 18 by mark clemson

[X-Man]

I believe the manger did only what he has to do,  he did get a complain and was acting as he thought he has to act to protect his employees. I believe it was whether a overconcerned or jealous colleagues. Except he  tried to go out with her himself, which is possible. 

I am actually behaving like that "Native American Indian who hit himself with the hammer on his thump again and again just to find out why this hurts.". 

Reasonably, I should forgot about it, because if things start like that, they  never have an happy ending. 

I kept trying a little bit because:  First she put her arms around me, which was a clear signal, that she likes me. Second because I don't think we should give her colleagues the power, that they can decide on our dating life, so I rebel against it. 

I have been in Greece for three month, in that time a lot of things could have happened and changed. 

However, I get greeted friendly by most of the stuff when I go to McDonalds. They say Good morning, thank you for visiting, etc. It is just like this postcard would now be in the staff room, and was a cheer up for everyone. 

I would need to talk with her to find out, what is going on, but I don't know how?  

She is indeed communication indirectly, that she can't talk to me or doesn't like to talk to me, but it feels like ghosting (people just stop talking to you completely  for no reason), which is why it hurts. 

It is worse than that, when she sees me coming, she looks really frightened. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 19 by X-Man

[LuckyM]

 She is not interested now. And is being nice. Last resort is waiting after work

To talk jokingly with her just once

[X-Man]

That is what I was thinking, but I found it a bit rude to do it, and I have to push myself to do it. 

We had this situation before I went to Greece.  I told her one day, I would wait for her after work but that I would find it a  bit rude. She just said: ""hmmm hmmm". 

My mistake at this point, I didn't do it strait away, I was doing just one day before I went to Greece. 

I was catching her on the traffic light on her way home. I said "hi", she said "Have a nice day!" and I repeated also "You too, have a nice day!". After that I went off a different way with my bicycle. Maybe that is why she is scared now, because she thinks I could chase her (but I wouldn't do it) ?

You know this feeling, when you have butterflies in the stomach and your pulse rate goes up, when you see someone you know and fancy.  It feels like been afraid, even when you actually happy to see this person. Maybe that is what she feels right now?

It is also possible she goes out of my way, because she sensed, that we might not be compatible. I am a bit too active for her. She seems to be a bit frightened doesn't matter what she is doing in life. 

For instance, I told her last year I was bungee jumping and she called ma a "dare devil". I said "not really"; but she must have liked that, because it was after that, when she put her arm around me and later said:  "We have to be careful the manager can see us on camera". 

What can you do about it ? I can't get permission for it. Just do it, or is it too late? 

I have seen her coincidentally on the way home the other day.  All I managed to say was:  "Hi" and she said nothing at all and we past each other walking in different directions.  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 20 by X-Man

[Alpacalia]

You're mixing her work too much with her private life. Work is work, private is private. I assume she has difficulties to make that understood. Her manager noticed it was going further than it should have and gave her an employee reminder. She might not want to get into trouble again. She also knows others have seen you two and it will raise questions like "who's that guy?", which she might want to avoid. 

You've already asked her out once, she didn't say no but she didn't say yes either. You could have asked for an alternative time directly, but you didn't. Now you're expecting too much from a woman that barely knows you. She only talked to you three times if I got it right.

If she runs away every time you want to talk to her directly, then stop doing that. She has your telephone number, if she wants to be in touch with you, she will. Otherwise it's a harsh no, but she has life to live and work to do. Focus on yourself, leave her be for now.

Edited May 20 by Alpacalia

[X-Man]

I don't think she has my number. The manager took it. 

You said : "Mixing her private life to much with her work life". I do understand that. I would do nothing to embarrass her at her workplace. I try to look like a usual returning customer, when I am in McDonalds. Actually I am, because I have my coffee there as well when she is not there. That has nothing to do with her. 

Do you think that postcard was a daft idea? Was not much on it only "Greetings from Greece". 

 You know Alpacalia the true question is: Why is it nowadays so difficult to talk with each other?

She also could have a boyfriend by now, I wouldn't know. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Oh, I think people are on the defensive so often these days that it becomes hard to communicate openly and honestly. And often, people don't want to say what they feel for fear of rejection or hurting the other person's feelings. It's unfortunate, but that's how it is sometimes.

I can't really say if the postcard was a good idea or not. If it was just a simple "greetings from Greece" then it's not necessarily a bad thing. But if it had anything romantic or too personal on it, then it might have been overstepping. But again, I don't know the full situation and every person is different.

And it's definitely possible that she has a boyfriend now. It's been over a year, so a lot can happen in that time. But as you said, it's important to respect her privacy and not do anything that would potentially embarrass her or make her uncomfortable in her workplace. 

[basil67]

I suspect that while the woman has happy to be friendly, she's not comfortable with the idea of dating you and the manager has stepped in at her request.   A good manager will do this without hesitation, and they are under no obligation to inform you that she's the one who wants you to back off.   

Think about it...you know where she works, you know what time she leaves, you've seen her when she's leaving and is out in public.  This can make a service worker feel very unsafe. 

I understand that she's been warm and friendly and perhaps flirted a bit with a hug, but you need to step away.  Try to avoid being out in the street when she's leaving at night.  Greet her in the same way you'd greet one of the male staff members. 

It's time to let this go.  

Edited May 20 by basil67