Uncomfortable new life

[CantgetoveritNY]

I divorced my ex because of an affair. We stayed together, while divorced. I didn't want to lose my kids 50% or more of the time. I had good reason to believe she wasn't continuing to be unfaithful. Still, the affair was constantly on my mind. I knew I'd be better off if we separated. 

Eventually the kids grew up and left home. At about the same time, her father started needing more and more care to remain in his home, 2,000 miles away. She started spending more time there than here. Eventually just visiting here for a few days at a time, every few months. I never went to visit her. 

Then she told me I had to move there to be with her or she would pursue a relationship there. I told her to go ahead. Since I eventually wanted to separate anyway, this seemed like the perfect way. No hard feelings on the way out.  

The problem is that before and after this, we were each other's best friend. Talking on the phone every day, three to ten times a day. Most days. Every once in a while we would go a day without talking if one of us got busy or something. Always still texting. So very good friends. 

The only exception is when we fight. Like anyone who has this frequency of contact, past romance, children in common, etc., we have occasional disagreements. Sometimes we then might go a day or two before we make up. 

Sometimes these rough patches lead us to say harsh things. We both have anger management issues. 

During a recent  blow up she repeated something she has said before that reminds me that she blames me for the affair. She knows this is a stupid position to take so she always denies it when we are getting along. Even during the recent blow up, it was more of an insinuation than a direct, clear, "it was your fault" kind of statement. 

It reminded me of my long standing feeling that I should not be friends with her.  At least not this close. If any of my other friend's were to comment that they thought the affair was my fault, I'd never speak to them again. So why am I maintaining this relationship? 

I stopped.  I stopped calling and texting her. She asked why and I said I was reconsidering our relationship and needed to take a break. I told her it wasn't about anything she did recently. That it was about the affair and my continued pain with respect to that. 

It has been a couple weeks now. In some ways it feels good. I've always thought that when the kids were gone, I'd end the relationship. Now I'm carrying through with that.  

However, I miss having her to talk to. It is a huge hole in my life. 

 

[stillafool]

It's understandable that you miss having someone to talk to.  You will meet new women and people now that you're free.  Your wife is dead wrong to blame her affair on you.  She is 100% responsible for her actions and I don't blame you for being upset about her telling you that.  This pretty much shows she has no remorse and felt it was within her rights to have the affair because of something you said or did.  That is wrong and I'm happy for you that you are now free.  I hope you meet a really nice lady who will make you happy.