boysco Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Hi. I had to log in for a little advice. I'm a bit of a wreck and I don't really know what to do. I love my fiance. We lived together for roughly two years before I proposed. We were head over heels. I got butterflies all the time when I saw her, and continued to until recently. The problem is: she doesn't like the ring I got her. It's not that it's small or imperfect, she says it "doesn't suit her", so she wants to have it changed. We've had the discussion a few times already. I appreciate her being honest, yet at the same time I have a very hard time understanding the superficiality that i think goes along with a comment like that. I scowered for months to find the right ring, and just about lost it a couple times with stress and panic. I wnated to find a ring that spoke to me, and when I did find the one, I was really happy with my decision. She seemed to be too, until she started making comments about the size (it's half a carrat) and the style and how she didn't like the band (it's not platinum, i guess). The point is that she asked me if it would be okay if she changed the ring to suit her more. I was pretty hurt but wanted her to be happy so I agreed. I would rather she not change it at all, because a lot of thought went into choosing it, and I consider it a symbol of us and our love, and well....how do you just "change" something like that? Anyways, nothing happened immediately, but she's mentioned it again now, and once again, I said: if you want to change the ring, then change it. I'm still hurt and don't really want her to do it, but she seems adament. The thing I didn't make clear to her until yesterday, is that I have no intention of taking the ring in to get it changed. I said if SHE wants to change it (or ruin it, as i kind of see it), than she can do it--but she's paying for it. It's not really the cost that's an issue, it's the whole fact that I'm opposed to it. I can't fathom changing what i felt like was a great symbol for our love, so I've put the owness on her to do that if she's not satisfied with it. I am. Ugggghhhhh....this is so frustrating I'm not sure what I should do. I DO see her desire to have the ring that she wants, but I also see the ring as a gift of love from someone, and I think it's pretty selfish and petty to be unsatisfied with soemthing like that. Now, she's not speaking to me because she thinks I'M being selfish and stubborn about not wanting to change it. I want some advice, some opinions from people who aren't friends siding with one of us or the other. Is this common. Am I being a mule, or is she a total donkey? Your advice is much appreciated. Lots of love b 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 You are making much too much of this. You have invested far too much symbolism in it. While it may be a 'symbol of your love', she'll have to wear the thing day in and day out henceforth and is stuck with its inconvenience if it's an odd or uncomfortable size or shape. It's just a flippin' ring and no matter how much you love her, you might have rotten taste or at least taste completely opposed to hers. So change it. Personally, I think the couple should shop for the ring together to avoid just such scenarios. Tell you what. You can insist on her sticking with the ring if she gives you a tie you hate that you agree to wear every day for the rest of your life. Sound good? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Is this engagement ring or the actual wedding rings you both will be wearing? This is a tough one. I see both sides here - This ring you bought her is a sign of your love and affection. I think maybe you're taking this too personally. Maybe the whole situation wasn't handled right, but I don't believe she is being mean and malcious. She isn't doing this to hurt you on purpose...It's a ring she will wear forever and she wants it to look good and feel good on her finger. My suggestion is tell her how it made you feel when she didn't really like the ring. But don't force her to wear it because it's what you want. I hate to say this but engagement rings are for the woman. I do get that you have an idea of what you want this ring to represent and she has to respect that too. Just talk it out and remember the overall importance is the marriage, the love you each share for eachother...Not the rings. The relationship is what counts not rings and pieces of paper. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 I can see both sides here to a point. I see your side in the fact that you chose it thinking it was something she would like. You put alot of time and effort in it. You see it as no matter how it might look its a token of your love for her etc. I see her side (which quite frankly comes acorss a little childish and anal on her part) but some women do like jelwery to look at certain way etc. Some are particular in their style or color of jelwery. Whats done is done now as far as you buying it for her on your own, but maybe what should have happned was you all went ring shopping together, so maybe she could have picked out a style she liked. I know to late for that now, and the fact you wanted it to be a surprise etc. Just out of curiosty, is she just like this about the ring, or is she like this in other areas of the realtionship with things as well? I thought of something you might could try and that is to tell her, to leave the ring the way it is for now. Then later on if you all get married, maybe buy her another type of ring, or a wrap to go with the one shes got etc. She just totally hits me as not being appreciative of what you got at all, not the style of ring but the symbol of what it means. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 It's a bit of metal & a piece of crystalline carbon. Nothing more. Given that, it shouldn't matter what bit of metal & crystalline carbon she prefers. You can invest the same amount of symbolism in the next one as you have with this one. For that matter, you could pick up a stone from your garden & do the same thing. What I'm saying is that the ring, in & of itself, is meaningless. Take it back & get something together that's within budget & that she's happy with. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 I picked out my husbands wedding ring, searched and searched for just the right thing. Spent hours researching different kinds, types, etc. I understand your frustration in this. I wanted to give him something directly from my heart, with all my love and personality in it. He hated the ring I got him. But the truth of the matter is.. it is just a ring. A symbol of your love and willingness to comprimise, to work differences out, to listen and to cherish each others differences and opinions. And to work together to find solutions to each others problems. Do you want the symbol of your love to represent your unbending will to a concern your future wife has? Is that the symbol you want? Or the actual practice of the comprimise and problem solving? Take her, the ring, and yourself back to where you bought it. And find a ring she will love. I'm sure if you stuck to your guns she'd keep the ring as you wish. But is that truly how you want to start your marriage together? With her comprimising her wants, just to meet what you have decided she will have? It's a piece of metal with a stone. The love of your life should be what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 I exchanged my ring..... it was not a practical setting.... far too expensive (I would have been worried to death if I lost it). Picked out a much more practical one but rarely wear it because of the work I do. You should go shopping together for the ring and make it a romantic event. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Do you want the symbol of your love to represent your unbending will to a concern your future wife has? Is that the symbol you want? Or the actual practice of the comprimise and problem solving? Standing ovation!! Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Your love is not connected to the ring. I don't see your side at all because I would never pick out a wedding ring without the person who will be wearing it. You made a mistake in selecting it without her so go with her and let the both of you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boysco Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 due to an overwhelming outcry letting me know that this is okay, i have told my fiance that we can go together and get a new band for her engagement ring. i want to sincerely thank those of you for responding, and truly being honest, thoughtful and helpful...it is much appreciated! thanks again. i/we feel great! mwah b Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 Glad to hear it's gonna work out--but not if you fail to keep your true feelings from her, which you shared with us. It seems like you kept your real feelings from her during this whole exchange, and that concerns me. Walk, way to go! You nailed it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 I scowered for months to find the right ring, and just about lost it a couple times with stress and panic. I wnated to find a ring that spoke to me, and when I did find the one, I was really happy with my decision . . . a lot of thought went into choosing it, and I consider it a symbol of us and our love, and well....how do you just "change" something like that? . . . I can't fathom changing what i felt like was a great symbol for our love Boysco: I think going together to pick out another ring is the answer to your dilemma, but I truely hope that you told her how you went about choosing her ring and why YOU felt it was special. I think that your feelings toward her and the ring are important - to you and to her. She needs to know that you DID take time and effort choosing it. If more couples talked about how they feel about an issue and WHY they do X or Y, maybe more folks wouldn't think like this she thinks I'M being selfish and stubborn about not wanting to change it. . Communication is so underrated. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I gotta say, you got owned. What is she getting you at significant expense to symbolize her love for you? Link to post Share on other sites
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