Keeping contact with exes

[Gebidozo]

In light of the recent threads about communication with exes, a general question to you guys:

Would you be ok if your SO still kept contact with their ex?

If yes, what kind of contact would you be ok with, and what kind of contact would be crossing a line?

If not, could you please elaborate why? 

Or do you think that there are no general rules here, sometimes it’s fine and sometimes it’s not, every case is unique?

[Gaeta]

Morning Gebidozo, I think it depends on the circumstances but as a general rule, if there is no reasons to keep in touch then exs are best left in the past. Exs are not friends, they are exs. I don't have a chip on my shoulder or anything, I have been working with an ex for 20 years. We keep it to business only but I am friends with his wife. I have no problem with my boyfriend speaking daily to the mothers of his children and I am friendly with the 2 of them and I am a big advocate of helping them & giving them more free time, they have an ally in me. 

A few years ago, I remember going on a coffee date with a man that spend like 30 minutes telling me how his ex was his best friend, they had dated only something like 2-3 years, no kids together, but there he was telling me I was gonna have 2nd spot in this relationship....no thanks. 

[Alpacalia]

I keep in brief contact (by brief, I mean maybe talking on the phone or exchanging messages every couple of years) with one and that's probably because I've known him since I was 16.

Never spent one-on-one time with exes in person or any of the sort. 

My recent ex, he was on friendly talking terms with his former, and it didn't really concern me. I can't recall other exes being in ongoing contact with their exes really.

Each case is unique.

If it was purely platonic and there were no lingering feelings or inappropriate communication, I would be comfortable with it. If I felt that the ex was trying to interfere in our relationship or if my partner was hiding conversations with the ex, that would definitely be an issue for me.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have no problem with my boyfriend speaking daily to the mothers of his children and I am friendly with the 2 of them and I am a big advocate of helping them & giving them more free time, they have an ally in me. 

That’s good. My fiancée is also very supportive of my contact with my son and has absolutely no problem with me meeting his mother. My ex, on the other hand, had huge difficulties accepting that.

Both I and my fiancée keep contact with our respective exes, not in the least because we both have raised pets with them. I don’t think that discussing common pets and exchanging friendly messages (wishing each other well etc.) is a problem.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Each case is unique.

If it was purely platonic and there were no lingering feelings or inappropriate communication, I would be comfortable with it. If I felt that the ex was trying to interfere in our relationship or if my partner was hiding conversations with the ex, that would definitely be an issue for me.

Totally agree.

I’m aware of the fact that my fiancée still talks to her ex, she is open about it and not hiding it. I asked her if he said anything inappropriate, she said no, he talks about common pets and friends and such, congratulates her on holidays and birthday, and so on. I don’t feel the need to check her messages or anything like that, I just trust her that she won’t say anything inappropriate to him. So there is really no need to monitor those things, I think.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t feel the need to check her messages or anything like that, I just trust

That is great ! That peace of mind is gold in a relationship.

[goldengirls]

No.  ONLY if they have children together and need to talk about the kids.  
bc why else would you? 
friends with the opposite sex can be inappropriate as you open the doors to temptation.  And an ex… nope. 
but that’s just me and my spouse and thankfully we both respect that. 

[LuckyM]

If your relationship is strong no bad feelings then a tentative yes

If in doubt. No. Don't chance it. It is possible you will become the ex

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, goldengirls said:

No.  ONLY if they have children together and need to talk about the kids.  
bc why else would you? 
friends with the opposite sex can be inappropriate as you open the doors to temptation.  And an ex… nope. 
but that’s just me and my spouse and thankfully we both respect that. 

How about pets?😊

My fiancée’s ex still has pets they were raising together. They talk about them, among other things, I imagine. I can’t ask her to stop talking with him about little creatures she cares for, that would be petty and uncharitable.

I also have pets my ex and I were raising together before. Sometimes I send her photos of the pets, she buys things for them. She came over a couple of times over the course of a year to visit the little animals.

Also, it’s not just kids or pets, it’s that whole chunk of life shared with someone. I don’t see the necessity to rob the partner of their very understandable wish to check on that person, ask them about their health, their family, their job, and so on. 

 

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

How about pets?😊

My fiancée’s ex still has pets they were raising together. They talk about them, among other things, I imagine. I can’t ask her to stop talking with him about little creatures she cares for, that would be petty and uncharitable.

I also have pets my ex and I were raising together before. Sometimes I send her photos of the pets, she buys things for them. She came over a couple of times over the course of a year to visit the little animals.

Also, it’s not just kids or pets, it’s that whole chunk of life shared with someone. I don’t see the necessity to rob the partner of their very understandable wish to check on that person, ask them about their health, their family, their job, and so on. 

 

I think if you can do that, that's great.

When my ex and I split up, he wanted to do visitation but it was interfering too much so he just let me keep the dog.

[Gebidozo]

58 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think if you can do that, that's great.

When my ex and I split up, he wanted to do visitation but it was interfering too much so he just let me keep the dog.

In what way exactly was his visitation interfering? How frequent was it?

[Gaeta]

Right after a seperation feelings are too raw to jump in a friendship with our ex.  Usully the one offering friendship is the one leaving, the one that loves less, the one that experiences guilt.

It took about 2/3 years for my ex-husband and l to stop arguing after our divorce then we were able to be friendly, stop for a coffee at each others house, ask for random favors, etc. 

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

In what way exactly was his visitation interfering? How frequent was it?

Interfering with us moving on with our lives. It kept an emotional connection that made it difficult for both of us to move on. I realized that it was better for us to go our separate ways with no contact, including not visiting the dog. Having to make arrangements for visitation and seeing each other regularly just prolonged the pain and made it harder to heal.

Now, my ex didn't want to break up, I did, I did the breaking up, so I think that's why I was ready to move on quicker than he was.

He suggested that we co-parent the dog, but I could tell that it was just a way for him to stay in my life. I ultimately decided that it was healthier for both of us to have a clean break and not have to see each other or negotiate visitation for the dog.

I also didn't want the dog to feel like he was being divided between us or have any confusion about who his "real" owner was. I wanted the dog to have stability and not be shuffled back and forth between two homes.

My ex eventually moved on and got involved with someone else, so it all worked out in the end. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

He suggested that we co-parent the dog, but I could tell that it was just a way for him to stay in my life.

Yeah, I was also clinging to the fact my ex would come visit our rabbits (she left all 3 of them to me). Then I stopped clinging to that, got together with my now-fiancée, and she was completely ok with my ex continuing to visit the rabbits. 

[Els]

Being acquaintances and participating in group meetups that the ex is involved in is fine - I don't think it's fair to expect someone to ditch all their friends just because their ex chose to stay in the circle. I'd probably draw the line at frequent contact or 1-on-1 meetups.

[flitzanu]

generally if you have no sexual attraction to your ex, and your ex has no sexual attraction toward you, then it can be ok.  

one thing being failed to mention, most current girlfriends/boyfriends aren't entirely thrilled about seeing people that you used to sleep with, because whether we admit it or not it can create this weird competition about who is more attractive.