Found sexual acts fantasies written between life partner and ex.

[PhoebusH]

My partner (45F) and I (53M) have been together for 10 years and have a child who is 3. 

Since the birth of our child I have felt that she is far less intimate with me and often not motivated to have sex. Recently she has told me that putting my arm around her in the night wakes her up. Have discussed my feelings with her for some time. 

I am not the jealous type and have never been jealous in our 10 year relationship but she recently started dressing up extra, extra nice to go to work and I got suspicious. 3 days ago, I simply looked in an old heart shaped jewelry box that I found on the top bathroom shelf with old jewelry and written sexual fantasies that she had written with her previous boyfriend before me, that they used for a sex game together, describing sex acts they performed on each other etc. They were together 6 years. 

She says that it is 15 years ago and that they are no longer in touch and I believe her but I was hurt that she kept those things and especially in our bathroom. It especially hurt me because it described intimacy that I feel is no longer in our relationship. 

She swears that it is an old box and she did know that she had those written cards, which I find difficult to believe, especially since we moved 2 years ago, when she put the box there. She says that she should have hidden it better, in the cellar. 

I was not happy to find what I found and it has questionned aspects of my relationship. She says that I am still going on about it 2/3 days later and it is unreasonable, that she loves me and that I am overreacting. 

What should I do? 

[BaileyB]

Why in the world would she still have that 15 years later - and why would it be placed in such a prominent location if she did not want it to be there?

18 minutes ago, PhoebusH said:

She says that she should have hidden it better, in the cellar. 

Note, she is primarily upset because she “should have hidden it better…” She will not let this happen again. 

I’m not saying that she cheated or did not cheat, because I don’t know that. I don’t like the gaslighting that’s happening here - nowhere if your post do I hear, “I’m sorry that you feel disconnected, how can we become closer and reconnect” or “I’m sorry that this has hurt you. What can I do to help you…” Instead it’s - “why are you still talking about this…” You are still talking about this because it’s weird and you are not feeling very reassured or secure in her answers. That’s why. 

[mark clemson]

I think these are memories of a pleasant time in her life/former lover, but that's all. They were written over a decade ago. She shouldn't need to hide them at all, although she certainly doesn't need to "flaunt them" to you either (but she's not doing that).

What she's doing is nostalgia, NOT infidelity.  You should disentangle this from the current issues in your relationship. I agree with her that you are over-reacting and I think your current frustrations with the relationship are probably why.

It's not clear from you post what issues are driving her lack of affection. A mismatch between the sex drives of women and men is common enough to be cliche and we certainly hear about it here often enough. So it may, in a way, not have that much to do with you.

It's only fair that both of you have your needs met in the marriage to a reasonable extent. IF that genuinely can't be managed then you're incompatible. Some folks choose to live with incompatibility, other do not. It's also true that sex drive can wax and wane multiple times over the course of people's lives, so this might not be a permanent situation.

Bottom line is I'd suggest you look into getting a marriage and/or sex therapist if that's at all feasible, so you can have someone to referee what might end up being difficult conversations and hopefully help you both reach a place where both of you are content together again.

Edited May 19 by mark clemson

[Gebidozo]

There seem to be two separate issues here, her lack of affection and the fantasy box.

You’re connecting those issues in your mind, but I’m not at all sure that they are related.

I don’t think that the box with the sexual fantasies is a big problem. Sure, it’s an unpleasant sensation to read such stuff about your wife and another man. But she has a point, it was many years ago. She says she doesn’t have anything with that ex now and that she loves you. Maybe trusting her on that and letting go of that box thing would be the best course of action.

Her lack of affection and interest in sex is a different issue. You guys should discuss that openly. There could be many reasons for that, and without her honest explanation you’d be just wandering in the dark.

[Gaeta]

I also think both issues are not connected. 

The drop of sex drive after having a child is a common phenomena in women. Unfortunately I've been there. 100% of me was a mother and there was no space left to be a sexual being. That happens when we fall into a routine and nothing is done to revive the 'woman' in us. I suggest you find a babysitter and you start going on date nights just the 2 of you as well as weekends away just the 2 of you. 

If I found notes like that in our home, I would ask my partner to throw them away. They don't belong in the home of a committed couple.

Edited May 20 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't be concerned about the 15 years ago written fantasies but the fact she has been dressing up extremely nice for work recently, makes me think there is more to it than a coincidence.

Your wife isn't feeling attractive and is dressing up to get compliments. Doesn't mean she's having sex with workmates or friends.

What have you been doing lately to show her she's still your sexy partner who fires your blood, besides discussing your lack of sex?

[justwhoiam]

As a woman, I think the following points are pretty suspicious:

1. On the top shelf: To make it less accessible to anyone.

2. In the en-suite bathroom: Where she can spend literally hours without being questioned.

3. "She should have hidden it better": She didn't want you to see any of that, which makes me wonder—was it because there were never (such) games between the two of you? Or because she didn't want you to know she was very imaginative with her ex and didn't feel the same with you? Also, there's a chance it’s not related to any ex at all.

4. "She did know that she had those written cards": Did she know or didn't she? If she did know, maybe she was using them. If she claimed she didn't know, then yeah, I doubt it.

I think you rushed to tell her about it too soon. You could have waited a couple of months to see if the cards stayed in the same order or if there were any new additions. Other things to check: handwriting, paper, and whether she's wearing any jewelry from that box.

Going out of her way with her clothes, makeup, perfume, and especially intimate grooming would be a clear sign that something’s going on the side.

[1HappyGoLucky]

On 5/19/2024 at 10:10 PM, PhoebusH said:

My partner (45F) and I (53M) have been together for 10 years and have a child who is 3. 

Since the birth of our child I have felt that she is far less intimate with me and often not motivated to have sex. Recently she has told me that putting my arm around her in the night wakes her up. Have discussed my feelings with her for some time. 

I am not the jealous type and have never been jealous in our 10 year relationship but she recently started dressing up extra, extra nice to go to work and I got suspicious. 3 days ago, I simply looked in an old heart shaped jewelry box that I found on the top bathroom shelf with old jewelry and written sexual fantasies that she had written with her previous boyfriend before me, that they used for a sex game together, describing sex acts they performed on each other etc. They were together 6 years. 

She says that it is 15 years ago and that they are no longer in touch and I believe her but I was hurt that she kept those things and especially in our bathroom. It especially hurt me because it described intimacy that I feel is no longer in our relationship. 

She swears that it is an old box and she did know that she had those written cards, which I find difficult to believe, especially since we moved 2 years ago, when she put the box there. She says that she should have hidden it better, in the cellar. 

I was not happy to find what I found and it has questionned aspects of my relationship. She says that I am still going on about it 2/3 days later and it is unreasonable, that she loves me and that I am overreacting. 

What should I do? 

If you are unhappy with your sex life, it's likely that she is too.

Having a 3 year old is so incredibly demanding. It cools off a bit once they start school! 

Priorities change and getting sleep becomes more important (or not getting woken up by night time cuddles)

It sounds to me like she is attempting to make you jealous, perhaps in an attempt to also regain your interest with the perception of competition?

Or perhaps she is trying to re-find herself after solely and necessarily, slogging it out being a mother to a ever demanding infant.

What should you do? Support your partner. All she has done is attempted to dress nicely.

It does sound like there is a little animosity between the two of you, especially with the statement 'i should have hidden it better', which to me sounds like she wanted you to find the sex cards and know that she also once had a much better (than current) sex life too.

Things will get easier with time. But it's important to have support in parenting and allow time for the two of you to reconnect, not on a sexual level but simply as two people that want to rekindle their relationship with each other. Perhaps it's time for a date night?

In the grand scheme of things this is a small issue.

Be patient, it's not easy, it will get better.