Just sex

[Its just sex]

Hi, 

 

I am a married women of about [redacted] yrs and I have the most amazing husband. 
 

10 months ago I started a conversation with an old friend after a bizarre realistic dream of us having a deep and loving conversation. To make the story straight. 13 yrs ago before my husband and kids, I had sexual act with this individual. We had been friends for so long and a drunken night we became intimate. At the time he was in a relationship and I felt completely disgusting by the act. We vowed never to tell anyone and moved on as friends. 
 

im not sure what I wanted out of the attempt to reach out 10 months ago. I guess I thought maybe closure but I realize now that isn’t really real. I wanted to make amends with that part of me, forgive myself and see why it continues to haunt me. 
 

we spoke and talked daily only to eventually meet up again. 
 

after much contemplation and self reflection I realized a few things 

-this person and I have a soul connection and will always feel so deep 

-in this current life plane, we aren’t meant to be together, at least not now 

-my relationship with my husband at the time was distant but after self reflection and talking with him we are moving towards a better connection 

-i purely love the sex between the other man and myself and might have some crush but nothing crazy enough to leave my life 

-I would be devastated if my husband finds out as he’s an amazing person so understanding we even have an open relationship where we’ve . [redacted]. Yes I’ve discussed the idea of bringing a man which he is ok with (but I highly doubt bringing in this man would be ok) even parallel polygamory but he rather be involved 

I truly feel I’m just having fun, exploring the lengths I can go to. I sadly don’t see that I will get caught and think if I do I can somehow get myself back in good terms 

I’ve thought to end things with the other man. He didn’t accept it. I personally don’t want to either right now. It’s fun, exciting, it’s helping my relationship? 
how you say ? 
-well I’ve learned to express what I desire , romance since that’s what my husband has completely given up on (facts, nothing for [redacted] and I’m low maintenance so all I asked was a good morning kiss of acknowledgment) 

-sexual desires- as I talk to my other guy I’ve learned what I want my man to do. He doesn’t eat me out as much as I would like. He now knows, yet to do it lol just cuz my hubby is sounding unbothered but truthfully it’s his way of being 

-how much I don’t want to be with the other man and be with my man- the other man is so unfaithful so unemotionally available I would never see myself with him in his current state. He’s busy building his business and truthfully I think I’m just a fun distraction as he is to me 

- my feminine power and divinity: idk having 2 men gushing all over me sounds pretty powerful and magnetic and I’m living high on this life 

I guess I would love to hear opinions after reading this. ultimately I want to end it but I just don’t want to right now 

 

-it’s just sex 

Edited June 23 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request

[basil67]

If it was just sex, it would be meaningless to you.  Like a one night stand where you don't even care enough to stay in contact.

I suggest you start being honest with yourself

[Gebidozo]

First of all, even if it was “just sex”, you are cheating on your husband. You’re living out a shameful secret and a hurtful lie. So please stop trying to tone the affair down to feel better about yourself.

Second, it’s not “just sex”. You clearly have problems with your husband, unfulfilled desires, you’re craving for something your husband cannot give you. 

When cheaters call their spouses “amazing”, it usually means they are feeling guilty deep down and therefore trying to glorify the victim. Your husband might be an objectively amazing person, but if he were amazing to you, you wouldn’t cheat on him.

You said you wanted to hear opinions. My opinion is that all this talk about cheating in terms of “exploration” and “realizing potential” and “discovering inner divinity” is pure rubbish. Cheating is bad, period.

If you truly love your husband, terminate the affair immediately and start working on the issues plaguing your marriage. If you don’t, set your husband free.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're living in a fantasy created in your own head. 

It has zero to do with "feminine power" and "divinity", and everything to do with a lack of intergrity and little respect for your marriage. Time to get real and stop romanticzing cheating.

Your marriage is also not amazing if you also say this:

4 hours ago, Its just sex said:

romance since that’s what my husband has completely given up on (facts, nothing for Mother’s Day and I’m low maintenance so all I asked was a good morning kiss of acknowledgment) 

You need to start dealing with the reality of your situation (and your marriage) rather than spinning fairy-tales about it for yourself. 

Edited May 21 by ExpatInItaly

[Its just sex]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

If it was just sex, it would be meaningless to you.  Like a one night stand where you don't even care enough to stay in contact.

I suggest you start being honest with yourself

Ok facts. This is was a clear analogy to place it by. Thank you 

[Its just sex]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

First of all, even if it was “just sex”, you are cheating on your husband. You’re living out a shameful secret and a hurtful lie. So please stop trying to tone the affair down to feel better about yourself.

Second, it’s not “just sex”. You clearly have problems with your husband, unfulfilled desires, you’re craving for something your husband cannot give you. 

When cheaters call their spouses “amazing”, it usually means they are feeling guilty deep down and therefore trying to glorify the victim. Your husband might be an objectively amazing person, but if he were amazing to you, you wouldn’t cheat on him.

You said you wanted to hear opinions. My opinion is that all this talk about cheating in terms of “exploration” and “realizing potential” and “discovering inner divinity” is pure rubbish. Cheating is bad, period.

If you truly love your husband, terminate the affair immediately and start working on the issues plaguing your marriage. If you don’t, set your husband free.

I’m not sure what your purpose of the forum is but of all the words of the dictionary you decide to put together these words. I think a little bit of kindness could go a long way for you. 
 

personally I just needed an opinion, granted I understand the many I could get but this is pretty harsh. 
 

the bold lettering the quotation. All of it just seems a bit too intense . I get your point. And it’s valid. 

[Its just sex]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're living in a fantasy created in your own head. 

It has zero to do with "feminine power" and "divinity", and everything to do with a lack of intergrity and little respect for your marriage. Time to get real and stop romanticzing cheating.

Your marriage is also not amazing if you also say this:

You need to start dealing with the reality of your situation (and your marriage) rather than spinning fairy-tales about it for yourself. 

I wasn’t trying to romanticize cheating. In fact I was trying to do the exact opposite. Clearly understanding where this all lies, literally. 
 

I appreciate the feedback. 
 

this forum wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. The exploration of ideas and opinions. 
 

im pretty self aware of the situation, not really fantasizing anything but the fact that what would you do in this situation. 
 

im not really sure what this forum was about but it doesn’t seem as kind and welcoming to different point of views despite the forum itself promoting infidelity.

it almost seems like people come on here to give s*** to those in an exploratory phase in their life. 
 

it is ok to have exploratory phases and say look further within yourself, work on the marriage. Than placing the combination of words that y’all have in this forum. 
 

probably get bashed by y’all for these responses but oh well, it had to be said. 
 

can’t just be trolling around here to others and not expect a reality check back. 
 

I truly honor your opinion, gave me some insight. But truthfully, not the forum I was looking for. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Its just sex said:

despite the forum itself promoting infidelity.

Nope, you've got the wrong place. 

You're not going to find supporters of cheating here, no. If that's what you're after, then yes, you need to look elswhere. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Its just sex said:

I’m not sure what your purpose of the forum is but of all the words of the dictionary you decide to put together these words. I think a little bit of kindness could go a long way for you. 
 

personally I just needed an opinion, granted I understand the many I could get but this is pretty harsh. 
 

the bold lettering the quotation. All of it just seems a bit too intense . I get your point. And it’s valid. 

If you define kindness as supporting destructive behavior and outright nonsense such as referencing sexual cheating with the word “divinity”, then I agree, I’m not being kind in that way. 

You wanted opinions. My opinion is that what you’re doing is fundamentally wrong and will backfire on you and royally mess up your life. 

How do I know that? Because I’m a former cheater myself. So what I’m telling you is not some sort of abstract moralizing, but a vital piece of real life information: cheating is never good.

Cheating is a symptom of serious psychological problems. Whitewashing (let alone glorifying) cheating isn’t even outrageous, it’s just mighty stupid. It’s like thinking that coughing blood is cool, instead of treating the disease that causes it.

As for the harshness, let me tell you that when I came to this forum I also found some of the responses to my posts harsh. I guess they were harsh, indeed. And I’m very grateful to the people here for that harshness. It helped me understand myself much better.

[Its just sex]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nope, you've got the wrong place. 

You're not going to find supporters of cheating here, no. If that's what you're after, then yes, you need to look elswhere. 

I’m not saying supporter of cheaters but at least an open forum with review of other people’s approach. 
 

I guess it’s just a place for someone to dump information and others to deconstruct to their own view no consideration of logical back and forth . Not the kind of forum I’m used to. 
 

thank you for making it clear 

[Its just sex]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

If you define kindness as supporting destructive behavior and outright nonsense such as referencing sexual cheating with the word “divinity”, then I agree, I’m not being kind in that way. 

You wanted opinions. My opinion is that what you’re doing is fundamentally wrong and will backfire on you and royally mess up your life. 

How do I know that? Because I’m a former cheater myself. So what I’m telling you is not some sort of abstract moralizing, but a vital piece of real life information: cheating is never good.

Cheating is a symptom of serious psychological problems. Whitewashing (let alone glorifying) cheating isn’t even outrageous, it’s just mighty stupid. It’s like thinking that coughing blood is cool, instead of treating the disease that causes it.

As for the harshness, let me tell you that when I came to this forum I also found some of the responses to my posts harsh. I guess they were harsh, indeed. And I’m very grateful to the people here for that harshness. It helped me understand myself much better.

I understand cheating has its consequences . I think we all know that. 
 

thank you for you life experience, again appreciated. 
 

however. There’s a way of coming to these forums with understanding. 
 

and maybe the way I worded divinity came off different to you but I wasn’t referring to the affair. I was referring to me able to find myself amongst this chaos. 
 

personally judgement of right or wrong is to the eye of the beholder. Yes, cheating comes with consequences, but overall is it bad, at the scheme of life, maybe not if you end up with new realizations you wouldn’t have had otherwise. 
 

As stated before. This isn’t the forum I was thinking it was. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

I suggest you start being honest with yourself

This.

It’a never “just sex.”

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Its just sex said:

it is ok to have exploratory phases and say look further within yourself, work on the marriage.

You have said that you have an open relationship so I’m assuming that your husband is aware that you are currently exploring this relationship with another man for the purpose of learning more about yourself? 

Quote

I would be devastated if my husband finds out as he’s an amazing person so understanding we even have an open relationship

That would be a resounding no. 

Open relationship - but this affair is conducted in secret because your husband would not approve.

Personally, I’m not sure how you can “work on your marriage” when you are infatuated with and having sex with another man… but, you can keep trying to sell this story if anyone is willing to listen…

Edited May 21 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Its just sex said:

- my feminine power and divinity: idk having 2 men gushing all over me sounds pretty powerful and magnetic and I’m living high on this life

I don't see 2 men gushing over you.  The man you want is emotionally unavailable and unfaithful and your husband and you are just now closing the distance between you, yet you're cheating on him, even though he allows you an open marriage and has said you can bring another man in.

 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Its just sex said:

Yes, cheating comes with consequences, but overall is it bad, at the scheme of life, maybe not if you end up with new realizations you wouldn’t have had otherwise. 

In Christian theology there is an interesting concept that God always finds ways to turn evil into good. A classic example is Judas’s betrayal of Jesus, without which his sacrifice wouldn’t have been possible. However, even though Judas’s betrayal ultimately served a good purpose, his intention and the act itself weren’t good, and they backfired on him horribly.

You can’t, therefore, justify bad acts by saying that sometimes they lead to good things. Otherwise the whole system of morality, of right and wrong, would depend on consequences rather than on intentions and acts, which would render it completely useless.

The reason is simple: we aren’t in control of consequences, because they depend on a multitude of combinations, pre-determined natural processes as well as decisions of multiple free wills. We are, however, in control of our intentions and acts, and it is for them that we are judged, not for their consequences.

Now, if you believe that the intention and the act of cheating aren’t bad, it’s ok only as long as your partner also thinks like that, at which point cheating ceases to be cheating, since the word implies that the other partner is being misled and lied to. Ergo, cheating is objectively bad.

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, I need some clarification here. You feel you and new guy have a soul connection. OK, I follow that.

But at the end you say he is emotionally unavailable--I don't follow that. Anytime I've had a soul connection it's because there is something going on emotionally on a deep level. When you say new guy is emotionally unavailable, do you mean he doesn't want to talk between meets as often as you do? 

In my view a soul connection is by definition a deep emotional connection. 

So explain this lack of emotional availability on his part. Because it's hard for me to understand the role new guy is playing in your life if on the one hand he is a soul connection and yet on the other, is emotionally unavailable. Those two qualities together leave me lost. 

 

Edited May 21 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Its just sex said:

Not the kind of forum I’m used to. 

You are free to post elsewhere if you don't like it here. 

[Acacia98]

On 5/21/2024 at 3:24 AM, Its just sex said:

-I would be devastated if my husband finds out as he’s an amazing person so understanding we even have an open relationship where we’ve had a throuple once and a threesome. Yes I’ve discussed the idea of bringing a man which he is ok with (but I highly doubt bringing in this man would be ok) even parallel polygamory but he rather be involved 

I truly feel I’m just having fun, exploring the lengths I can go to. I sadly don’t see that I will get caught and think if I do I can somehow get myself back in good terms 

I find it interesting that you have an open relationship and, therefore, your marriage allows you the possibility of being with this guy with your husband's knowledge. Strangely, you choose not to go down that road.

I'm curious: if it is important to explore this aspect of who you are and if your marriage actually gives you a framework within which to do that openly, why do you prefer to be deceptive? If you consider a parallel, the strangeness of your choice is obvious. Here is that parallel: let's say you have the option of using money from the account you share with your husband to make a personal purchase. All you have to do is let him know about it, and if it is within your joint budget, there should be no problem. But you prefer to go behind his back and obtain the money secretly by using his credit card instead. You use his credit card without asking him. But you reckon it's okay because you have every intention of making the payments and he never has to know...

Why wouldn't you let him know? Maybe the purchase is beyond your budget. You both can't afford it, and if something goes wrong with your plan and you're unable to make the credit card payments on time, there will be huge repercussions for you both. Maybe the purchase is well within your budget but you just feel the need to make your married life complicated and "spice it up" with some omissions and deceptions. Personally, I would wonder if you felt that something was wrong with your marriage and, in a misguided attempt to fix it, you were trying to shake things up. Alternatively, I would wonder if there was something wrong on your end and you had a deep psychologically need to be deceptive.

You realize that there's no way of spinning the deception as a positive thing for your marriage, right?

Interestingly, you say, "I sadly don’t see that I will get caught and think if I do I can somehow get myself back in good terms." How would you maneuver yourself into being on good terms with your husband again if not by manipulating him? Out of everything you've written, that is the statement that most chills me to the bone because it sounds so self-serving and cold-blooded.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you have a thing for this guy. There's no way around it, particularly with continued contact - either you break it off or you're cheating/having an affair.

I understand YOU feel you love both of these guys, perhaps in different ways, but it doesn't matter. You're husband will be pissed if he finds out. He might divorce you.

Some people can handle having affairs guilt-wise, other's cannot. If you don't want to feel guilty about things, don't cross the boundaries that make you feel guilty. You can go just up to those boundaries perhaps, but don't cross them.

I would suggest that right now the "new love" parts of your brain are activated with this guy, so you are perhaps not thinking quite as logically as you might normally. If you really want to have an affair, it doesn't matter how you justify it, just recognize the very substantial risk you're taking and that it's ultimately unethical. If you want to not take risks with your family situation and potentially feel guilty later then the straightforward thing to do is stop.

There is a middle ground and that's light flirting but nothing more and/or open polyamory - but given the history I think you'd be at more risk, not less, trying either of those with this particulary person. You don't always get what you want in life, or at least not without substantive risk.