Why does he now want to commit after saying he wants to be casual?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're paying for fwb dates or casual dates for "control"? 

Wow, I'm getting my head around that one. 

Men learn very quickly (though some resist accepting this) that that expensive dates don't change anything.  The majority of the best dates I've been on (that were fun or led to relationships) were low-budget. 

But if paying works for you--and allows you to keep the distance you want to keep--then keep going. Do understand that there will be guys (like this guy) who step up and are willing to stay on the ride you're providing. He might feel like a well compensated escort who happens to get paid not with money, but with luxury outings. 

Edited May 23, 2024 by Lotsgoingon

[Sony12]

I don't think there is a young heterosexual man alive that wouldn't consider it a fantastic deal in which a lady spends money on him and the only thing he has to do in return is allow her to give him head. 

Most guys go out with women 20,30, or 40 years older than him to get that kind of a scenario. But this guy is doing it with a 27 year old doctor (based on the number she has on her profile).

He should be teaching classes, lol.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

In reality, HE should be taking HER out and buying her gifts not the other way around.  This whole deal with women doing the paying is very odd (not that they are not capable of paying).  I think the OP is above and beyond this dude.

I never paid for my dates but I do offer and I wouldn't mind picking up the tab. The only exception is if I have no interest then I am definitely picking up the tab. hehe

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

WOW.....If he asks you OUT, HE PAYS PERIOD.......regardless of love connection or not. 

Oh no. They always do. I was just saying that I wouldn't mind picking up the tab.

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

In reality, HE should be taking HER out and buying her gifts not the other way around.  This whole deal with women doing the paying is very odd (not that they are not capable of paying).  I think the OP is above and beyond this dude.

It's pretty rare for women to invest much money into men for casual sex purposes but it does happen at times. Most women don't value sex the same way men do though so most of the time they aren't interested enough to do it. 

It does happen on occasion though. What is rare in this scenario though is the OP is pretty young herself. Most of the time when women do this thing it is women seeking younger men's attention.

I somewhat suspect that the OP is actually the one who wants to be in a relationship here.

[Sony12]

14 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Could the OP be considered to be a "Sugar Momma"???

Yep if she's telling the truth about everything that is pretty much what she is. Which is odd considering the age bracket she has down and the numbers in her username. Most twenty something year old women don't become sugar momma's for another thirty years.

[dancehead]

My goodness 95% of the replies here have totally missed the OP's point! Or moved into sub topics that do NOT apply to the OP! Stop it!

OP, I would say that you do care for him as a friend because you are the higher earner so you have been paying for things. Perhaps you shouldn't do that in future if you continue to see him. Although he already knows you are well off financially. (I have my reservations about getting too close to a woman because I also have a lot of money and don't intend to loose it)

He has broken the deal, by being jealous of your other male friends. Many men are like this, happy to play the field but never happy if a woman they are having sex with also does the same. I see nothing but problems if he doesn't get the relationship idea out of his head. He will have to accept it as just no strings or tell him bye bye, you don't need that hassle. When this happens it is not fun anymore.

[stillafool]

On 5/23/2024 at 6:37 PM, Sony12 said:

Most twenty something year old women don't become sugar momma's for another thirty years.

Uless that's the only way they can get men.  Then they pay no matter how old they are.

[FredEire]

On 5/26/2024 at 7:27 PM, dancehead said:

My goodness 95% of the replies here have totally missed the OP's point! Or moved into sub topics that do NOT apply to the OP! Stop it!

OP, I would say that you do care for him as a friend because you are the higher earner so you have been paying for things. Perhaps you shouldn't do that in future if you continue to see him. Although he already knows you are well off financially. (I have my reservations about getting too close to a woman because I also have a lot of money and don't intend to loose it)

He has broken the deal, by being jealous of your other male friends. Many men are like this, happy to play the field but never happy if a woman they are having sex with also does the same. I see nothing but problems if he doesn't get the relationship idea out of his head. He will have to accept it as just no strings or tell him bye bye, you don't need that hassle. When this happens it is not fun anymore.

I kinda agree, I think the responses are a bit skewed because the gender roles are reversed from what would be typical.

I think it's a fairly standard case of FWB where one person ends up getting more feelings and the other doesn't. If that's not working out for OP then it's time to move on.

[stillafool]

On 5/23/2024 at 12:51 PM, Sony12 said:

Most guys go out with women 20,30, or 40 years older than him to get that kind of a scenario. But this guy is doing it with a 27 year old doctor (based on the number she has on her profile).

Just because a woman is in her 20s doesn't mean she can attract the men she wants.  Maybe paying for them gives her better looking choices.

[NuevoYorko]

On 5/26/2024 at 11:27 AM, dancehead said:

My goodness 95% of the replies here have totally missed the OP's point! Or moved into sub topics that do NOT apply to the OP! Stop it!

I think that 95% of the replies are reactions to this:

Quote

I do enjoy the control part of it I won't lie. Usually the person who has more money and treats the other person develops a control and they have more say in the arrangement (e.g. I wanna go out to this place or we're doing this today). It also makes the other person attached to you bc they see you as the ideal partner and it's hard for them to let go after being treated that way. So yes I do like the control aspect of it because it boosts my ego. 

Yes, this is usually the role of a man who likes a "sugar baby" situation,  where his $ is buying him the companionship and sex with a woman he otherwise would not have access too.  AND the power in the relationship.

Men get called out on this all the time here as well, though it is societally  much more acceptable when men do it than when women do.

I think that angling for a power imbalance in a personal relationship is gross whether it's a man or a woman doing it.   Though I guess I'd rather see women doing it because at least it's not continuing to promote a harmful gender stereotype.  

[lovelee97]

Hey everyone, thank you for all your input! I ended up following everyone's advice and I stopped the gift giving and also stopped paying for stuff (e.g. we split the bill etc). I noticed that he did pull back a little bit and wasn't putting in the same effort. So I guess I got my answer on why he was trying to commit

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, lovelee97 said:

Hey everyone, thank you for all your input! I ended up following everyone's advice and I stopped the gift giving and also stopped paying for stuff (e.g. we split the bill etc). I noticed that he did pull back a little bit and wasn't putting in the same effort. So I guess I got my answer on why he was trying to commit

Yeah, nowadays, there are also alot of male gold diggers looking for an easy lay and ride.  You did the right thing.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, lovelee97 said:

Hey everyone, thank you for all your input! I ended up following everyone's advice and I stopped the gift giving and also stopped paying for stuff (e.g. we split the bill etc). I noticed that he did pull back a little bit and wasn't putting in the same effort. So I guess I got my answer on why he was trying to commit

Sorry OP.

Sounds like he was looking for a free ride and I'm glad you had your wits about you to stop ✋ it.

[lovelee97]

On 6/7/2024 at 1:54 PM, stillafool said:

Yeah, nowadays, there are also alot of male gold diggers looking for an easy lay and ride.  You did the right thing.

Agreed! Honestly nowadays more male gold diggers than female! Oh well, I'm not a sucker lol 

[AlexK90]

A couple years ago I was dating a girl for a few months that I met on Tinder. We had a lot of fun together and we both enjoyed each other's company. She eventually told me that she had developed feelings for me and brought up the idea of commitment and exclusivity. She was a great girl but I wasn't ready to commit at the time because I still wanted to explore. She took it well and understood my feelings but she said she eventually wanted some kind of commitment and we eventually just faded out as our direction got pulled elsewhere.

At the time we were dating she was pursuing her education and eventually got her PhD in a life science/tech field. Fast forward a few years, while she was in school she founded a tech startup along with a few other engineering students and I recently found out through some mutual friends that the startup is now doing very well and has received a few million in funding so this may very well turn into something big. She's also working as a high level executive in a pharmaceutical company. After looking at her social media I see that she recently bought a house, has a nice car, is traveling around the world and is also taking her now boyfriend wherever she's going. She's also traveling all over the US promoting the company and I'm genuinely happy for her success because she deserves it but part of me feels regret for not committing. 

I didn't want to commit at the time because I still wanted to explore and date other people but in retrospect it really wasn't worth it. I was just sleeping around and doing the same thing over and over again with different people. She was really one of a kind and was smart, funny, kind, adventurous, and thoughtful. I'm currently in a relationship with someone and I hate to say it because she's also great.. but I can't stop fantasizing about how life would have been if I had just committed to this other girl years ago. I'm living a mediocre life and I have a decent job/career but I'm not going to lie it does cross my mind sometimes about how life would look like if she was my girlfriend and the experiences I could have had. 

I know people are going to say I'm screwed up for this but part of me wants to reach out to her and ask to try again. I feel like I'm ready to commit now and yes I know it's stupid and selfish because now I want it but on my terms and I'm aware it isn't fair to her. But I know if I don't try that I'm going to regret it the rest of my life.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, AlexK90 said:

I feel like I'm ready to commit now and yes I know it's stupid and selfish because now I want it but on my terms and I'm aware it isn't fair to her.

Don't worry about this not being fair to her...she's successful, she's got a great partner, and she's smart enough to know that you're doing this because you're envious of her life.  So she'll just tell you to stop being ridiculous.   The person who you're actually being unfair to is your "great" girlfriend.   And what if she contacts your lovely girlfriend to tell her what you've done?

A better choice would be to stop following her and allow yourself to move on.  Make a wonderful life with your girlfriend