Should I buy a place if my gf doesn't like it?

[ironpony]

My gf and I talked about moving together.  I can buy a place with my money since I have more than her and she can help pay rent, and that was the arrangement.

 

However, I feel that some of her needs are perhaps higher than I can meet though.  Every place I have looked at is a dump so far that she has been disappointed in.

 

But that's all I can afford on my money is a dump.  However, she says she doesn't feel comfortable paying rent to a dump, where she has absolutely no say.  But I am the one buying the place though.

 

So therefore, how much say should she have?  Although, living with her and her contributing rent will make things a lot easier for sure, and I do want to make her happy.  But at the same time, I don't like always saying no, if she doesn't like the fact that it's a dump.

 

There is one place I wanted to buy but lost it because she couldn't say yes to it.  But should I let the next place that comes along go, if I want it, or should I just not listen to her and buy it anyway, if I like it and she does not?

 

Thank you for any advice on this.  I really appreciate it!

[OKtoday]

I’d continue renting with this one and then buy your home with the gal you marry, once married.

Find someone who care about you and appreciates what you can provide. You are being very smart financially. 

[ironpony]

I can do that but it was advised to me to get a place before I marry, for my own security with a pre-nup later, because if I go in on a home in my marriage, then if she leaves me she can take half at least.  That's a good point, if it's a risk not having my own place beforehand, in case a future wife would leave me possibly?  Or at least that is what my parents and friends told me to do.

Edited May 22 by ironpony

[OKtoday]

You make the decision based on your finances as a single man to buy a home that is right for you. You get the best place that you alone can afford, expecting this investment to be less than perfect, and you celebrate what a great accomplishment this will be. 

Tell her that you completely understand if she’s not up to this.
It will be ok.

[Gebidozo]

Do you mean your GF is going to help you pay the mortgage for the place you buy? Because you said “rent”, but you don’t pay rent if you buy an apartment.

If you and your GF are so serious that you’re about to move together, of course you shouldn’t buy a place she doesn’t like. Especially since she’s going to help you pay the mortgage. You should buy a place you both like. I’m sure a compromise can be found.

If you really can’t afford anything your GF likes, why rush it, then? Just keep living wherever you’re living now, and wait till you can find an apartment you can afford and you both like.

[Gebidozo]

44 minutes ago, ironpony said:

it was advised to me to get a place before I marry, for my own security with a pre-nup later, because if I go in on a home in my marriage, then if she leaves me she can take half at least. 

You want to get married while thinking that your wife will possibly leave you? And that if she leaves you, she’ll demand half of the money for a house she didn’t pay anything for? Don’t get married if that is your mindset. Either you trust her and then it doesn’t matter at all who buys what and when, or you don’t trust her and then you shouldn’t marry her.
 

[ironpony]

I trust her.  I don't really have that mindset when I am with her, but it's just what my parents keep insisting on.  But I can't really talk about that, because when I did before on here, the thread was closed and I was told I cannot talk about relating to legal matters.  So I will keep the topic focused on the gf situation with the house, but no legal matters if that's okay.

[OKtoday]

I didn’t hear you say anything about marrying her. Did I miss that part? 

i understood her as a current girlfriend who may move in and pay rent toward your mortgage.

Edited May 22 by OKtoday

[Will am I]

Clearly your girlfriend does not want to move in with you [in your place, the place that she didn’t pick, be an accessory to your life]. 
She wants to start something new together.

Find another strategy to protect yourself in the case of a divorce. And pick a home together.

[basil67]

Has the bank told you how much they will lend you?

Your girlfriend is absolutely right to not move into a house which she hates.   So, if you want to buy a dump, then go ahead....but you must do it with the consideration that she won't be moving in and you won't get her rent to help pay the mortgage.   Do also consider that old houses can need ongoing repairs.  Can you afford that on top of your mortgage?

The other alternative is what most people do: They get married, combine their savings and incomes and buy a nicer house together.  

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, OKtoday said:

I didn’t hear you say anything about marrying her. Did I miss that part? 

i understood her as a current girlfriend who may move in and pay rent toward your mortgage.

Oh yes we're not planning on getting married at this point so far 

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

Clearly your girlfriend does not want to move in with you [in your place, the place that she didn’t pick, be an accessory to your life]. 
She wants to start something new together.

Find another strategy to protect yourself in the case of a divorce. And pick a home together.

Oh okay thanks. But it seems to me she doesn't want to live in a dump but at the same time that's all I can afford so how can we pick a home together if her standards are possibly too high for what I can afford?

Edited May 22 by ironpony

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Has the bank told you how much they will lend you?

Your girlfriend is absolutely right to not move into a house which she hates.   So, if you want to buy a dump, then go ahead....but you must do it with the consideration that she won't be moving in and you won't get her rent to help pay the mortgage.   Do also consider that old houses can need ongoing repairs.  Can you afford that on top of your mortgage?

The other alternative is what most people do: They get married, combine their savings and incomes and buy a nicer house together.  

Oh okay thanks it's just that's all I can afford right now is the dump so I'm not sure why she expects me to have more. 

 

She doesn't have near as much savings as me so even if we did it together it would still be almost all my money still. 

 

She's in university now and she used up all her savings on that.  So even if we do combine our savings I am still putting it in all of it for the down payment but at the same time I can only afford a dumpy place 

As for the dumpy place needing repairs in the future in the long run, the bank doesn't care about that so much as the down payment. 

 

The bank gave me their approval, yes.

 

Edited May 22 by ironpony

[Els]

I think we've been over this before, and you were advised to rent at least once in the type of neighbourhood and the type of house that you are planning to buy in, before you sign the mortgage for such a house. Have you done this yet?

To answer your question, if you really want to buy this house alone and she doesn't like living in it, then of course it's your prerogative to go ahead if you choose. However, you have to be prepared for the likely eventuality that she does not move in and you will have to live alone and pay for the house alone (or with a roommate).

I also REALLY think that you are completely unprepared for the costs of buying a fixer-upper house in a terrible neighbourhood - both financial costs and mental/physical costs. You have never even rented a normal house before. Do you even know how to do basic repairs for your house, let alone the more significant repairs which will be necessary if you buy such a house? If not, are you prepared to pay for all the tradesmen you will need? Have you ever lived in a dangerous neighbourhood before, EVEN just one night in a hotel?

TLDR: I think you're on the verge of making a really stupid decision. Stop worrying about all the hypothetical s*** like your hypothetical wife divorcing you or not wanting to "waste" money on rent. Focus on the real stuff in front of you: If you buy this house, you will probably lose your relationship, get broken into, pay enormous bills for other people to fix the house up for you, suffer mentally and physically from living in a dump, and then probably lose the house anyway because you can't afford the bills.

Or... you could just do what normal people do and combine their finances with a spouse/partner and buy a decent house.

Edited May 22 by Els

[ironpony]

5 minutes ago, Els said:

I think we've been over this before, and you were advised to rent at least once in the type of neighbourhood and the type of house that you are planning to buy in, before you sign the mortgage for such a house. Have you done this yet?

To answer your question, if you really want to buy this house alone and she doesn't like living in it, then of course it's your prerogative to go ahead if you choose. However, you have to be prepared for the likely eventuality that she does not move in and you will have to live alone and pay for the house alone (or with a roommate).

I also REALLY think that you are completely unprepared for the costs of buying a fixer-upper house in a terrible neighbourhood - both financial costs and mental/physical costs. You have never even rented a normal house before. Do you even know how to do basic repairs for your house, let alone the more significant repairs which will be necessary if you buy such a house? If not, are you prepared to pay for all the tradesmen you will need? Have you ever lived in a dangerous neighbourhood before, EVEN just one night in a hotel?

TLDR: I think you're on the verge of making a really stupid decision. Stop worrying about all the hypothetical s*** like your hypothetical wife divorcing you or not wanting to "waste" money on rent. Focus on the real stuff in front of you: If you buy this house, you will probably lose your relationship, get broken into, pay enormous bills for other people to fix the house up for you, suffer mentally and physically from living in a dump, and then probably lose the house anyway because you can't afford the bills.

Or... you could just do what normal people do and combine their finances with a spouse/partner and buy a decent house.

I'm considering doing that if I can't find a place real soon but right now I'm just looking. 

I can do some repairs and some not it depends. 

I see what you mean it that is good to get a place that you don't have to do repairs but those places cost more upfront and the bank cares a lot more about The upfront cost rather than what repairs will cost in the future it seems. 

 

I haven't lived in a dangerous neighborhood before but I spend a lot of time in my girlfriend's house apartment and she lives in a dangerous neighborhood. 

 

But as for combining our savings, the bank doesn't seem to care about this because I'm the only one with the savings and she does not have any at this point, because she spent her savings on university.

[Els]

9 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I see what you mean it that is good to get a place that you don't have to do repairs but those places cost more upfront and the bank cares a lot more about The upfront cost rather than what repairs will cost in the future it seems. 

You will need to do repairs in every house that you buy. The difference is that if you buy a decent house, you will only need to do basic repairs - for the first decade or so, anyway. In a fixer-upper, people end up needing to do things like replace the roof, walls, the entire plumbing system. It's generally never worth buying one of those unless you are very handy and experienced in DIY, because tradesmen are expensive.

I don't see why you are hell bent on getting your own (dump) house ASAP. Most people who are students or in a relationship with a student will rent first and save up for a decent house, then purchase together once the student graduates and starts working. Renting also gives you experience that you will need for selecting a house to buy - which you won't get if you have only lived with your parents all your life.

Edited May 22 by Els

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Els said:

You will need to do repairs in every house that you buy. The difference is that if you buy a decent house, you will only need to do basic repairs - for the first decade or so, anyway. In a fixer-upper, people end up needing to do things like replace the roof, walls, the entire plumbing system. It's generally never worth buying one of those unless you are very handy and experienced in DIY, because tradesmen are expensive.

I don't see why you are hell bent on getting your own (dump) house ASAP. Most people who are students or in a relationship with a student will rent first and save up for a decent house, then purchase together once the student graduates and starts working. Renting also gives you experience that you will need for selecting a house to buy - which you won't get if you have only lived with your parents all your life.

The reason why I am hell bent is because prices have gone way up since covid and they are only going more up this year. I feel if I don't buy soon the chances of me being able to afford one are going down really fast.

Plus friends and family say to buy real soon because prices are getting higher even.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

My gf and I talked about moving together.  I can buy a place with my money since I have more than her and she can help pay rent, and that was the arrangement.

 

However, I feel that some of her needs are perhaps higher than I can meet though.  Every place I have looked at is a dump so far that she has been disappointed in.

 

But that's all I can afford on my money is a dump.  However, she says she doesn't feel comfortable paying rent to a dump, where she has absolutely no say.  But I am the one buying the place though.

 

So therefore, how much say should she have?  Although, living with her and her contributing rent will make things a lot easier for sure, and I do want to make her happy.  But at the same time, I don't like always saying no, if she doesn't like the fact that it's a dump.

 

There is one place I wanted to buy but lost it because she couldn't say yes to it.  But should I let the next place that comes along go, if I want it, or should I just not listen to her and buy it anyway, if I like it and she does not?

 

Thank you for any advice on this.  I really appreciate it!

This is YOUR place, and at the end of the day, you have the final say on where you choose to live. Now, yes, it would be nice to take her preferences into consideration and try to find a place that meets both of your needs and wants, but ultimately it is your decision.

I recall when I wanted to purchase a car with my own funds and my boyfriend at the time said some things, so I chose not to do it. But I can't say with 100% certainty that I wasn't a bit miffed that it was something that couldn't happen due to his finicky-ness. On one hand I reasoned that putting my money elsewhere was a smarter option, but the other left me feeling like a powerless person who couldn't make decisions with her own money.

If the property you're planning on purchasing are in fact dumps, you do have to consider from a financial standpoint as to whether or not they can be fixed. Home repairs and upgrades can be expensive, unless you're super handy and can renovate the place to a satisfactory condition. But, if the place is properly maintained, but just not her style, then perhaps she might need to make some compromises as well.

Edited May 22 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

Don't buy a dump for goodness sake! Might as well make a firepit and throw your money right in it. If you cannot buy a decent home then don't buy one. 'dumps' require lots of repairs and are full of surprises that will cost you thousands and thousands of dollars. Are you handy? Can you change roof shingles? Can you change windows yourself? Are you qualitied to do electricity and plumbing? Can you do ceramic? Hardwood floors? if the answer is no to all of them, then  you don't buy a 'dump'. 

If you cannot buy a house then look at condos. You're still young, in 10 years you will have built some equity and you can sell with a profit that will go on a decent house. 

Prices are not getting higher, the market has stabilized, the interest are higher so less buyers, price stabilize. 

 

 

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks. But it seems to me she doesn't want to live in a dump but at the same time that's all I can afford so how can we pick a home together if her standards are possibly too high for what I can afford?

Maybe because she’s bringing an income to the table too?

 

 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

But as for combining our savings, the bank doesn't seem to care about this because I'm the only one with the savings and she does not have any at this point, because she spent her savings on university.

It doesn't matter if you are the only one putting a down payment. The  notary will calculate your part and it will all be fair at the end. I have a friend who had a chunk of money to put down on a house but not her boyfriend. His name was still on the mortgage, he paid 50% of mortgage payments and when they sold their house to size down she recuperated her down payment and the rest was divided in half.

Your girlfriend doesn't even have to pay 50% of the mortgage. Lets say you pay $1,000 a month and she can only afford $500. You both own the house but you own a bigger share of it.  

And about buying a house before marriage so you won't lose it in case of divorce....that was a real bad advise. If it's meant to be a second residence yes it will remain yours but if she lives in that house for 30 years, it's her residence, lets say on top of that you have kids, you bet she can claim a part of it. What's that about anyway? having your girlfriend pay rent? If she's capable of paying rent then she's capable of putting that money on a mortgage. 

[flitzanu]

you're on a 50/50 path here.

yes, this is YOUR purchase and you are buying what you can afford, but as others have mentioned, don't feel obligated to buy a dump just because that's all you can get.  maybe just don't rush into things.

yes - your girlfriend can have an opinion, and if you move into a place she doesn't like, she may never want to live there.  but, if your name is on the mortgage it is your responsibility and not hers, so don't do something you can't afford just because of her.  

 

[Els]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

The reason why I am hell bent is because prices have gone way up since covid and they are only going more up this year. I feel if I don't buy soon the chances of me being able to afford one are going down really fast.

Plus friends and family say to buy real soon because prices are getting higher even.

With all due respect, you have mentioned "my friends and family say" or "my parents and friends say" literally 3 times in this 1-page thread. Maybe consider that if you're not ready to make life-altering decisions like that on your own, you aren't ready to buy a house? Your parents and friends aren't going to be the ones forking out $100K because the old bathtub leaked all the way through the walls and floor of another room and destroyed it (true story, happened to a dump I was living in as a student, fortunately I was renting so I wasn't on the hook).

In the majority of stable markets, wages increase alongside house prices. In unstable markets, house prices can exceed wage growth temporarily, but eventually things will stabilize. Regardless, that's not a reason to buy a dump that you can't afford to maintain, because you will just end up losing the house. It sounds like you are already going to pay the maximum mortgage that a bank is willing to loan you in order to buy this dump... how on earth are you going to afford anything else?

AFAIK, you have never paid rent to your parents or to your gf, so you are used to having your entire paycheck for other expenses. Are you aware of what exactly it means to have 30% of your pre-tax income going to mortgage? And then probably another 20% going to maintenance?

Edited May 22 by Els

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

Maybe because she’s bringing an income to the table too?

 

 

This is true but the bank requires me to put the down payment down since I have enough money for the down payment. The bank doesn't care if she brings in money later they only care about the now, much more so.

[ironpony]

26 minutes ago, Els said:

With all due respect, you have mentioned "my friends and family say" or "my parents and friends say" literally 3 times in this 1-page thread. Maybe consider that if you're not ready to make life-altering decisions like that on your own, you aren't ready to buy a house? Your parents and friends aren't going to be the ones forking out $100K because the old bathtub leaked all the way through the walls and floor of another room and destroyed it (true story, happened to a dump I was living in as a student, fortunately I was renting so I wasn't on the hook).

In the majority of stable markets, wages increase alongside house prices. In unstable markets, house prices can exceed wage growth temporarily, but eventually things will stabilize. Regardless, that's not a reason to buy a dump that you can't afford to maintain, because you will just end up losing the house. It sounds like you are already going to pay the maximum mortgage that a bank is willing to loan you in order to buy this dump... how on earth are you going to afford anything else?

AFAIK, you have never paid rent to your parents or to your gf, so you are used to having your entire paycheck for other expenses. Are you aware of what exactly it means to have 30% of your pre-tax income going to mortgage? And then probably another 20% going to maintenance?

Oh ok but I have paid rent to them before.  I guess I am just trying to accept the hand I've been dealt in term of what the bank is willing the lend me, and how much they want for a down payment.