What is going on between my coworker and I

[Bumbleevee]

Umm so I guess this is a complicated situation. Rather a roller of emotions. Hopefully I can find some advice or I guess some feedback? Honestly I wish I could tell someone what I’m going through. 
 

Basically a coworker and I have gotten close. A little too close. We are both in relationships … he’s married and I have a partner. 

One thing lead to another but we started to talk about what we liked sexually. And from there we kinda played with the gray area if it was appropriate on what we were talking about. 
 

One day we crossed that line. We basically sexted. Talked about what we would do to each other. That lasted for a couple of days until he felt the guilt of what he was doing. And decided that we crossed a line we shouldn’t have and that we shouldn’t do it any longer. (That being said I want to say I do feel guilty but at the same time I feel good being wanted/ having the interest from someone else. I have rather complicated emotions regarding my partner right now, and it’s not easy to “just walk away”. And yes, I have pleaded to go to couple therapy but he doesn’t want, so I can only do so much. ) I agreed and that was the end of it. Or so I thought. We kept on flirting. And texting everyday, basically checking in with each other. So quick hellos and stuff. 
 

Until we crossed the line again. It’s been mostly through text, nothing physical has happen. But it’s very sexually heavy and this time there’s not guilt from his end because it’s become a Dom/Sub relationship. I do little tasks here and there, and yes they are sexual related but he’s not there when they are preformed. Not going into too much detail about it. I personally believe this is cheating. I know very well this is cheating. At least from my end. But I’m scared of it crossing that physical line, because then it becomes real to me. At the same time I don’t want this to end. And I feel like s***. 
 

Some weird things I noticed lately is that when we are taking sexually, he mentions my partner as just that, partner. He fully is very aware of my partners name. And uses it when we are working together and talking about each others partners. (Nothing sexually related). Another thing is that, sometimes I’ll mention something and he’ll bring up his wife, kind of like comparing? An example would be like. Say I said I like grapes, he’s like that’s funny cuz my wife likes grapes too. It’s just kinda weird. But at the same time , he also doesn’t really mention his wife with me. He will with others, he’ll bring her up in conversations and such but not so much with me, unless doing what I mentioned. Another thing, he’ll sometimes ask me questions about my partner and what we do together (again this is at work, so nothing sexually). I don’t know. Maybe I’m over thinking. 

[basil67]

You already know that this is just you and your coworker toying with each other over text.  Each of you is just a bit on the side.   And you already know it so very unfair to your partner.  Do you have a question or are you just writing your thoughts?

Edited May 23 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Bumbleevee said:

I have rather complicated emotions regarding my partner right now, and it’s not easy to “just walk away”. And yes, I have pleaded to go to couple therapy but he doesn’t want, so I can only do so much. )

Do you have kids together? And no, it’s never easy to break up, but  probably the right thing to do in your case. 
 

2 hours ago, Bumbleevee said:

Hopefully I can find some advice or I guess some feedback?

What are your core values? Who are you as a person? Is what you’re doing consistent with the type of person you want to be? My advice would be to really sit down and ask yourself those questions. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Bumbleevee said:

Umm so I guess this is a complicated situation.

Not really all that complicated - it read like a pretty standard office flirtation that has crossed the line and is about to become a physical affair. 

3 hours ago, Bumbleevee said:

One thing lead to another but we started to talk about what we liked sexually.

Why are you talking about what you like sexually with your coworker? That’s inappropriate workplace conversation, don’t you think? 

3 hours ago, Bumbleevee said:

I have rather complicated emotions regarding my partner right now, and it’s not easy to “just walk away”. And yes, I have pleaded to go to couple therapy but he doesn’t want, so I can only do so much.

You can leave. I know, it‘s not easy - particularly if you have children. But, it’s a far better decision to make than having sex with your married coworker and risking your job/your financial security. If your partner is unwilling to work with you on improving your relationship - I don’t see that you have any other choice but to leave… It’s just way easier for you to justify your office affair by throwing up your hands to say - “I’m only one person, I can only do some much…”

3 hours ago, Bumbleevee said:

Maybe I’m over thinking. 

And down the rabbit hole you go…

Good luck! 

Edited May 23 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

OP, what’s your question, exactly? You’re definitely cheating, it’s definitely not ok, and you know that. There are only two possible solutions:

1) Break off all contact with your colleague and fully dedicate your time and effort to the couples therapy with your partner. Hopefully he agrees.

2) Break up with your partner and possibly be together with your coworker if he agrees to divorce his wife. Or find a single man who’d give you the sensations you craved so much in this affair with the coworker. Or just be single for a while and think about what you really want.

[evillover]

Breaking up is not easily especially if you both have a child already. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So what do you want to do?

[mark clemson]

Often when you get past "morals" you  find people who are unhappy in their relationships are cheating to try to feel better about their romantic lives. So there is that. Nonetheless, I think this blows up when one of your partners finds out.

I take it you are a heterosexual female with a male partner? I DON'T think he is going to be ok with seeing another man giving you sexual "tasks". I wouldn't be ok with it unless I had knowledge of it and OK'd it first.

I doubt his wife (were she to find out) will see any redeeming features here either.

It's clear you're aware of the risks you are taking. If you really wanted to leave your partner, it seems like it wouldn't be so complicated as you are not married? At any rate, one way to extricate yourself is to commit to stopping this, ask him firmly to stop, and delete any evidence from your phone. Then, if you don't let guilt get the better of you, you are likely to be able to end it without the unpleasantness of discovery.

One irony of cheating is that sometimes people make relationships they're not really happy in more tolerable by doing it - so they avoid having to deal with leaving. Ending the cheating sometimes forces you to address the issues in your primary relationship - one way or another.