tinahart Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 I discovered my husband flirting with another woman by text message. It seemed to be at the start of the "relationship" with flirty banter, selfies (nothing sexual), BUT with plans to meet up in the future. We are working on and have worked out a lot of the issues that lead to this discretion on his part, and I really believed him that it was a in his words a stupid childish mistake on his part. The other day I discovered that he changed the name of the woman in his contacts and that they were still talking. I don't know the context of the conversations, but it threw me into a spin. I felt like I had to do something, so I friended her on instagram. She told him and he came home and accused me of stalking and how embarrassing it was that I did something so crazy. Sooooo, my question to anyone out there is this - if you were in the start of "something" with a married man and you found out that his wife knew -- what would you do? Continue or back off? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 That depends on the woman, probably most would, but not all. Your problem is not other women, it's your husband. There are lots of women out there, even if this one shut him down, there will be others that won't. What any particular woman will or won't do is not an issue unless your husband is open to cheating. Deal directly with your husband. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 3 hours ago, tinahart said: Sooooo, my question to anyone out there is this - if you were in the start of "something" with a married man and you found out that his wife knew -- what would you do? Continue or back off? A woman with self-respect would back off when she found out he was married, whether his wife knew or not. Your husband is the problem, and he’s right about being childish and stupid. How dare he make you the bad guy for contacting the home-wrecking floozy? He’s the moron who created the situation, your reaction is well within your rights, so he needs to shut up and grow up. He’s a liar and a sleaze, and he’s proved you’ll never be able to trust him. I’d do two things, see a family lawyer and get my divorce ducks in a row, and, being as you warned the floozy but she still continued interfering with your marriage, I’d find out where she works and politely ask her employer to pass on a message requesting that she stop. She needs the wake up call. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 The woman he's talking to owes you nothing. The responsibility for this is 100% on your husband. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 This does not seem like a PASSING flirtation to me. He went so far as DISGUISING her name for a reason. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinahart Posted May 23 Author Share Posted May 23 Oh, I know the problem is with him - that isn't lost on me. I just found out that she is a business contact and that they have known each other for a few years. I assume that she knew from the start that he was married. It seems like a typical midlife crisis, and after bumping into each other a few months ago in person the texting conversations started up. She lives in another state (2 hour plane ride). I'm just thinking that the flirting is flattering to both, and the fantasy of a meetup enticing. I found out it on his end - I don't know if it ended like he said it did. When I found out there was a name change, I said to myself - F--it. If they want to continue, they are BOTH going to know that I know. She knows now. And it sounded like he was really embarrassed about me reaching out via Insta. The friend request is still pending - I'm not going to take it down. I want it to be staring her in the face every time she opens her damn account. It takes 2 people so yes, he is at fault, but she plays a role in the situation too. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 4 minutes ago, tinahart said: Oh, I know the problem is with him - that isn't lost on me. I just found out that she is a business contact and that they have known each other for a few years. I assume that she knew from the start that he was married. It seems like a typical midlife crisis, and after bumping into each other a few months ago in person the texting conversations started up. She lives in another state (2 hour plane ride). I'm just thinking that the flirting is flattering to both, and the fantasy of a meetup enticing. I found out it on his end - I don't know if it ended like he said it did. When I found out there was a name change, I said to myself - F--it. If they want to continue, they are BOTH going to know that I know. She knows now. And it sounded like he was really embarrassed about me reaching out via Insta. The friend request is still pending - I'm not going to take it down. I want it to be staring her in the face every time she opens her damn account. It takes 2 people so yes, he is at fault, but she plays a role in the situation too. IT bothered him enough to HIDE her name and to me that is quite telling as to intentions, etc. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 36 minutes ago, tinahart said: The friend request is still pending - I'm not going to take it down. I want it to be staring her in the face every time she opens her damn account. If your presence bothers her, she will simply block you. Or perhaps she won't care. All in all, your anger is aimed at the wrong person here. That said, I do worry about the state of your marriage....instead of apologising and eating humble pie, your husband got mad at you for reaching out to her. These are not the actions of a man who still values his marriage. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 You seem to be too preoccupied about that woman, and not preoccupied enough about your husband. Leave the woman alone and dear with your husband’s behavior. Ask him to apologize for flirting, refuse to meet that woman, and delete her. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) 1 hour ago, tinahart said: And it sounded like he was really embarrassed about me reaching out via Insta. Embarrassed. Angry. He knew what he was doing was wrong or he wouldn’t have changed her name/continues to hide it from you. He was discovered and he did not like that at all - most people don’t like being called on their bad behavior. But, rather than apologize and end communication with the other woman - because he is feeling embarrassed and he is angry, he is shifting the blame to you. How dare you befriend the woman that he is secretly texting!! I would not have a lot of patience for this from my husband. He can either end it and reinvest in the marriage or she can have him… If he doesn’t know how next to proceed, I wouldn’t give him much time or many chances to figure it out… Edited May 24 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 8 hours ago, tinahart said: Sooooo, my question to anyone out there is this - if you were in the start of "something" with a married man and you found out that his wife knew -- what would you do? Continue or back off? I tend to respect relationship boundaries, so I wouldn’t find myself in this position but if I did… I would be horrified. I would apologize, and end all contact with the man. Not everyone would feel the same… if there is one thing that I’ve learned on this site it’s that there are some people who believe that they have the right to pursue their own happiness - even if it is at the expense of others… Trying to encourage these individuals to consider a different point of view is not usually an easy or successful endeavour. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 13 hours ago, tinahart said: I assume that she knew from the start that he was married. Since you went so far as to contact her, I'm surprised you didn't ask her the above question. Why didn't you ask your husband why he has her under a different name on his phone? He's the one you have to deal with because the other woman doesn't care how you feel, so leave her alone. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 22 hours ago, MsJayne said: she still continued interfering with your marriage, I’d find out where she works and politely ask her employer to pass on a message requesting that she stop. She needs the wake up call. this other woman's job has nothing to do with how she behaves in her personal life and this is extremely bad behavior and could even be reversed as harassment Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinahart Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 Well thanks all for the input. I did not talk to the woman I only sent a friend request on instagram. My intention was to make sure she knew that whatever his intentions were/are and that she positively responded to him, that I know about it. I would like to think that at this point the flirtation on her part isn't worth the brain damage. Isn't part of the big excitement of an affair or the activity of leading up to an affair, is knowing you are doing something on the sly? Behind the spouse's back? Not getting caught? And no I am not telling him that I know about the change of the name in the contacts. I need to keep that little bit of knowledge on my side for future checking up on. I'm not prepared to blow up my marriage and family over something so stupid. If it was a full blown affair, yup, I'd be hiring a lawyer. I'm chalking this up to midlife crisis. A man seeing that he still "has it" in the eyes of another woman. I was figuring by reaching out on this site I would be getting the point of view from actual cheaters. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 If he's in regular contact with her then even if she knew from day one that he was married, he's almost certainly telling her his marriage is bad and he's only with you for practical purposes. If this has been more than just a momentary thing (and it seems it's been going on for awhile) then I would recommend seeing it as more than a midlife crisis that will blow over. The fact that he turned things back on you means he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 1 hour ago, tinahart said: Isn't part of the big excitement of an affair or the activity of leading up to an affair, is knowing you are doing something on the sly? Behind the spouse's back? Not getting caught? Until it becomes a competition. That can be very exciting and motivating for some women… With any luck, this was a mid-life slip… but considering that he slipped once and was discovered, only to go back and go further underground, I wouldn’t be too quick to write this off as one poor decision or a mistake… particularly because as you describe it, he hasn’t shown a lot of remorse. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 You have no idea what lies he might have told her about your marriage. Maybe he led her to believe you two were on the rocks, separating/separated, who knows. Either way, she was stupid to get involved with a married man (assuming she in fact knew he was married) But some women might double-down and see this as their chance to welcome their lover into their arms after the proverbial manure hits the fan at home. Don't make the mistake of assuming all women would back down and be discouraged. There are plenty of people out there who would see this as the opporuntity to finally "legitimize" their affair and turn it into a real relationship. By the way, you wouldn't be the one blowing up your marriage. He's beat you to the punch on that by having an affair in the first place. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 25 Share Posted May 25 6 hours ago, flitzanu said: this other woman's job has nothing to do with how she behaves in her personal life and this is extremely bad behavior and could even be reversed as harassment I disagree. This woman is a business contact of the husband and she’s ignoring OP’s request for direct contact through private means. One message to the business she represents should remind her not to overstep professional boundaries, (unless she’s the boss). One simple message, “please ask ‘other woman’ to contact the wife of x regarding a personal matter” contains no threat and no direct accusation so the homewrecker would have a hard time calling harassment on that one, but should be enough to fire a warning shot over the bow. It sounds very much like she mixes her job with her personal life if she’s pursuing business colleagues, and if she knows that colleague is married she deserves to have her character exposed. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 25 Share Posted May 25 (edited) On 5/23/2024 at 9:11 AM, tinahart said: I discovered my husband flirting with another woman by text message. It seemed to be at the start of the "relationship" with flirty banter, selfies (nothing sexual), BUT with plans to meet up in the future. We are working on and have worked out a lot of the issues that lead to this discretion on his part, and I really believed him that it was a in his words a stupid childish mistake on his part. The other day I discovered that he changed the name of the woman in his contacts and that they were still talking. I don't know the context of the conversations, but it threw me into a spin. I felt like I had to do something, so I friended her on instagram. She told him and he came home and accused me of stalking and how embarrassing it was that I did something so crazy. Sooooo, my question to anyone out there is this - if you were in the start of "something" with a married man and you found out that his wife knew -- what would you do? Continue or back off? some OW wouldn’t back off as long as he is still acting interested. from YOUR standpoint - he will keep doing it - he was caught yet he carried on and got even sneakier in order to stay in contact with his OW. seriously, I’d divorce him. Mainly because he doesn’t respect you - he doesn’t act like he loves you - he is willing to risk your marriage to stay in contact with her! he likely has had sex with her since he’s so adamant about not ending it. love doesn’t look this way - he’s so focused on her so your only option is to invoke consequences and follow through - since it’s so important to keep her - you need to divorce him… knowing he won’t end it with her. generally the OW doesn’t give the betrayed spouse the truth - but again - neither does the cheating spouse - you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg as far as their affair. He knew you knew and STILL didn’t end the affair = you have no change of making the marriage work; he’s left you no choice. Edited May 25 by S2B Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinahart Posted September 20 Author Share Posted September 20 Update....I am so glad I posted on this forum, because I have literally had no one to discuss this with. There have been a few texts between the 2 of a passing nature. Nothing flirty on his part. She did send a pic of herself again - which I couldn't believe - she was in a bathing suit sitting on a surfboard. Ms Jayne - if you are reading this your comments were the most helpful in me figuring this all out. If there continued to be any indiscretion between the 2 of them, I would definitely reach out to her company. Sounds terrible but if my marriage were to break up due to another woman, I would hope she had some pain in the situation too. I may meet her one day in a business setting. If I ever do, I will definitely ask her if she ever managed to stand up on the surfboard. I'm also happy to say that my husband and I are both 100% engaged with being together. The whole thing was a big catalyst for us to focus our attention back to each other and our relationship rather than to other distractions. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 20 Share Posted September 20 On 5/23/2024 at 5:57 PM, tinahart said: When I found out there was a name change, I said to myself - F--it. If they want to continue, they are BOTH going to know that I know. She knows now. I would have said to myself - F-it. If they want to continue, she can have him. I’m filing for divorce. 12 minutes ago, tinahart said: I'm also happy to say that my husband and I are both 100% engaged with being together. My personal opinion, it may be a little premature to say this… for yours sake, I hope it’s true. But, I would be cautiously optimistic if not downright suspicious… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 20 Share Posted September 20 On 5/23/2024 at 12:11 PM, tinahart said: Sooooo, my question to anyone out there is this - if you were in the start of "something" with a married man and you found out that his wife knew -- what would you do? Continue or back off? If I were the type of woman to get involved with a married man, I'd laugh at you and tell you that your issue is with him, not me. Since I too am a married woman if my husband was doing this I'd take it up with him and if he continued it would show me that he cares more about her feelings than mind. I'd leave him. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 21 Share Posted September 21 5 hours ago, tinahart said: If there continued to be any indiscretion between the 2 of them, I would definitely reach out to her company. Sounds terrible but if my marriage were to break up due to another woman, I would hope she had some pain in the situation too. I may meet her one day in a business setting. If I ever do, I will definitely ask her if she ever managed to stand up on the surfboard. I still don’t understand why you care so much about this woman and why you aren’t worried that your husband flirted with her, planned to meet her, and hasn’t deleted her till now. You do realize that the problem here is your husband’s behavior, not hers, right? People aren’t objects and your husband isn’t a thing that some evil woman is trying to steal. He has a free will and did all that flirting willingly. It’s strange that you keep thinking about her actions instead of his. Did he at least apologize and promised not to flirt again? Marriages can’t be really broken by other people, they can only collapse from within. Hope you and your husband will work things out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 21 Share Posted September 21 32 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: I still don’t understand why you care so much about this woman and why you aren’t worried that your husband flirted with her, planned to meet her, and hasn’t deleted her till now. You do realize that the problem here is your husband’s behavior, not hers, right? It’s easier to blame the other woman than it is to acknowledge and accept the fact that one’s husband has made the decision to betray the marriage. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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