Visiting dominatrix while in relationship

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, petrolheadno1 said:

Would you say he still cheated on her even though its water under the bridge?

Yes, although it wasn't full sex cheating. Since there's no discovery there were no consequences.

There seem to be so many ambiguities here, but the bottom line is quite simple.  IF she's actually your GF then yes you're cheating on her by doing this. This is a GF, not a wife, and she's shown apparent disinterest in dating, so it seems like there are several ways you could play this without actually cheating (e.g. letting her know you intend to do it, breaking up with her first, etc, etc).

Cheating has the benefit of being convenient and not requiring any possibly awkward conversations/judginess from her. However, IF you were to enter a LTR with her and she found out later (e.g. you felt guilty and so decided to tell her about it) she might be very upset and even might choose to divorce/end whatever relationship you might have.

People are unlikely to tell you that engaging in sexual acts with someone else while being in a relationship (assuming that's what you're in with this gal) "isn't cheating". That's because it is. Whether you have a huge problem with doing the cheating under these particular circumstances is perhaps another matter.

[Els]

Here's a suggestion that's really out there. How about... asking your gf if she'll take on that role for you just one time, instead?

It's pretty clear that you know there's a problem with your plan if you won't communicate with your gf about it.

[smackie9]

IMO you need to stop fighting this, and either A) see if your GF is on board with participating in these sex acts OR B) you end the relationship and find someone that matches your fetish. It's not fair to your partner to keep such a secret. How would you like it if she was secretly going out and getting oral from strange random men dressed up as clowns because she has an "itch" she doesn't know what to do with? 

[Achelois]

No matter what we say you always try to justify what you want to do. That’s CHEATING, period. If it is “a healing therapy” or whatever you want to call it, why do you keep repeating that you’d do it just one time? Would if be ok if your girlfriend has the same “spiritual connection” with a man who touches her in her intimate area? If it is your fetish, why don’t you ask her to dominate you and to have this kind of sex?

Edited May 24, 2024 by Lyla1

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, Lyla1 said:

No matter what we say you always try to justify what you want to do. That’s CHEATING, period. If it is “a healing therapy” or whatever you want to call it, why do you keep repeating that you’d do it just one time? Would if be ok if your girlfriend has the same “spiritual connection” with a man who touches her in her intimate area? If it is your fetish, why don’t you ask her to dominate you and to have this kind of sex?

Probably because she has no idea of his dom fetish and he worries she wouldn't be cool with it.

I agree though the best thing is bring up with her what her thoughts are, maybe just in a general sex-talk kind of way not personal at first, and if she's down with it ask her to do it herself. Who knows she may love it and you'll be having loads of kinky BDSM sex for years to come, and all without cheating. Problem solved.

Edited May 24, 2024 by FredEire

[Achelois]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Probably because she has no idea of his dom fetish and he worries she wouldn't be cool with it.

I agree though the best thing is bring up with her what her thoughts are, maybe just in a general sex-talk kind of way not personal at first, and if she's down with it ask her to do it herself. Who knows she may love it and you'll be having loads of kinky BDSM sex for years to come, and all without cheating. Problem solved.

Yes, he can tell her it’s his Sexual Fantasy. She may want to try and as you say, Problem Solved 🤭

Edited May 24, 2024 by Lyla1

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Els said:

Here's a suggestion that's really out there. How about... asking your gf if she'll take on that role for you just one time, instead?

It's pretty clear that you know there's a problem with your plan if you won't communicate with your gf about it.

Good advice.

In general, it’s much healthier to realize sexual fantasies with a stable, trustworthy romantic partner, than with strangers, professionals or amateurs.

The OP seems to be suffering (among other things) from a variant of the madonna-whore complex: “nice” sex with your partner, “dirty” sex with someone you don’t care about. It’s a dangerous and unhealthy approach to sexuality.

[Els]

11 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

This PLAN^^ might get extremely PAINFUL especially when performed by an amateur. So, this is probably not the best advice. Leave it to the Professionals.

Plenty of couples engage in BDSM together without "professional" training, you just need to do your research and due diligence. The kinky acts the OP is describing aren't even particularly extreme or dangerous (unless the mask he's talking about is a breathplay mask - in which case the risk is high regardless of professional or not). If it's a standard fetish mask, the only thing standing in their way is whether the gf is interested, and possibly the cost of acquiring a St Andrews cross (although frankly it will be cheaper than one professional session).

Obviously both will have to read up on safety precautions, limits, safewords, etc. BDSM is not for the lazy.

[petrolheadno1]

25 minutes ago, Els said:

Plenty of couples engage in BDSM together without "professional" training, you just need to do your research and due diligence. The kinky acts the OP is describing aren't even particularly extreme or dangerous (unless the mask he's talking about is a breathplay mask - in which case the risk is high regardless of professional or not). If it's a standard fetish mask, the only thing standing in their way is whether the gf is interested, and possibly the cost of acquiring a St Andrews cross (although frankly it will be cheaper than one professional session).

Obviously both will have to read up on safety precautions, limits, safewords, etc. BDSM is not for the lazy.

That and a particular harness to be tied up on, I found something better than a st Andrews Cross it is attached to a wall and has many straps. 

I don't want to invest in all the equipment it's quite expensive and we don't really want ro build a dungeon, like I mentioned this a one off thing and after that I'll go back to my normal life and continue pursuing my career and business goals, building my relationship and progressing things in life so I can settle down. 

[petrolheadno1]

2 hours ago, Els said:

Plenty of couples engage in BDSM together without "professional" training, you just need to do your research and due diligence. The kinky acts the OP is describing aren't even particularly extreme or dangerous (unless the mask he's talking about is a breathplay mask - in which case the risk is high regardless of professional or not). If it's a standard fetish mask, the only thing standing in their way is whether the gf is interested, and possibly the cost of acquiring a St Andrews cross (although frankly it will be cheaper than one professional session).

Obviously both will have to read up on safety precautions, limits, safewords, etc. BDSM is not for the lazy.

Actually instead of a St. Andrews cross I found another type of harness which is attached to the wall and every part of your body is strapped up by leather straps. With the gimp masks as I'm only planning to do it once. Also there is a specfic type of gimp mask where it is padlocked, or I may use a gasmask. But thats an element of sensory deprivation and a sense of "what will happen next" and engaging with other senses. Plus as I want to do this ONCE ONLY, I don't find it cost effective on building in my home. 

Also dominatrixes take a lot of training, there is a woman in New York, she trains other dominatrixes she has an intensive program where she charges thousands of dollars and she goes quite deep into helping their client connecting with themselves and the spiritual and inner work element of it. She is a PHD and has written several articles and been on TV. So there is a whole science and this is a holistic approach (according to dommes interviewed on Youtube and Podcasts, I'm not making this up). 

[Sony12]

14 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

(according to dommes interviewed on Youtube and Podcasts, I'm not making this up). 

Don't believe most of the stuff you see on YouTube. Most of the people on there are smart enough to know how to attach a camera to their computer and that's basically about it. I also find it highly unlikely anyone would pay thousands of dollars just to take a dominatrix class.

No offense but your story is beginning to sound like it is entirely made up.

[Alpacalia]

Yes, it is considered cheating. Even if you don't see it that way (which you clearly don't), 99% of girlfriends would. 

Plus, trying to justify it as "therapy" doesn't make it any less cheating. You are seeking and engaging in a sexual and intimate experience with someone other than your committed partner.

That is the definition of cheating. It doesn't matter if there is no physical intercourse or if it's only for "therapy."

[BaileyB]

“Therapy”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[petrolheadno1]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

“Therapy”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That's what dommes say on their websites, books, articles. TV and on the radio. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

That's what dommes say on their websites, books, articles. TV and on the radio. 

Uh, that's because they want you to pay for 90 minutes of therapy as well as restraints and beating, silly. How are they going to buy more Jimmy Choos if they just crack a whip and have you out the door in 30?

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

That's what dommes say on their websites, books, articles. TV and on the radio. 

And when they tell you that you need more than one visit for “therapy,” are you going to believe that too?

Come on…

[petrolheadno1]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And when they tell you that you need more than one visit for “therapy,” are you going to believe that too?

Come on…

Trust me it's a one off thing. 

I drove a Lamborghini, Ferrari Aston Martin, Porsche ONLY once haven't gone back. 

Some people jump off a plane and parachute down, they do it only once and tick it off their bucket list. 

People climb a mountain once. 

I visited an acupuncturist once and my pain went down from a 10 to a 4 for a neurological condition. 

[Sony12]

OP you might like some Game of Thrones scenes.

[Els]

2 hours ago, petrolheadno1 said:

Actually instead of a St. Andrews cross I found another type of harness which is attached to the wall and every part of your body is strapped up by leather straps. With the gimp masks as I'm only planning to do it once. Also there is a specfic type of gimp mask where it is padlocked, or I may use a gasmask. But thats an element of sensory deprivation and a sense of "what will happen next" and engaging with other senses. Plus as I want to do this ONCE ONLY, I don't find it cost effective on building in my home. 

Also dominatrixes take a lot of training, there is a woman in New York, she trains other dominatrixes she has an intensive program where she charges thousands of dollars and she goes quite deep into helping their client connecting with themselves and the spiritual and inner work element of it. She is a PHD and has written several articles and been on TV. So there is a whole science and this is a holistic approach (according to dommes interviewed on Youtube and Podcasts, I'm not making this up). 

Look, if you're so convinced it's totally fine to do this with another woman, then tell your gf about your plans and ask what she thinks. If it's totally fine, then it'll be fine to tell her, right...?

I'm well aware of the pro-Domme market and the various types of marketing used. And again, there's nothing wrong with it as long as your partner is okay with it.

You can rent a dungeon with your partner if you don't want to buy equipment. When you hire a pro-Domme, they will charge you for dungeon hire anyway. It might be included in your fee or in addition to it, but you can be sure that you will be charged.

[basil67]

@petrolheadno1 If you're so convinced that your plan is acceptable, why did you need to ask us for a other opinions?   Are you really not so sure, or are you posting for titillation? 

[basil67]

Just now, happyhorizons said:

Basil, what is your opinion on the whole dominatrix realm?

Each to their own.  I am addressing the cheating, not the dominatrix realm

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Basil, what is your opinion on the whole dominatrix realm?

basil asked you why you seek the opinion of others and you respond to her question by asking for her opinion… 🤣🤣🤣

[Gebidozo]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Each to their own.  I am addressing the cheating, not the dominatrix realm

Precisely. I think everyone is addressing the cheating in the thread, except the OP, who wants to make it all about the dominatrix.
 
The OP believes that if you aren’t caught you aren’t a cheater, so I’m beginning to think that any advice would be pointless to him.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

basil asked you why you seek the opinion of others and you respond to her question by asking for her opinion… 🤣🤣🤣

Actually @happyhorizons is not the OP, so even more reason that this is a strange question to ask me.....unless HH and PetrolHead are one and the same???

Edited May 26, 2024 by basil67

[justwhoiam]

I haven't read all the posts, but it looks like you have it all figured out from a single point of view. What kind of neurological problem did you have? Is it still there, or has it gone away? Could it come back?

Consider the following points:

1. No control over anything. You're being misled if you think you can ask or demand in a D/s setting where you are the sub. You won't be in control. As a submissive, your needs and desires are entirely secondary to your "Domme". A scene is not yours to end, an orgasm is not yours to have, and your body is not yours to control (other than pre-established limits). It's mainly about controlling or dominating you through speech or some tools that will limit your physical movement, often involving the sub's humiliation. Hence, most professional Dommes won't give you any handjob, won't be attracted to you in any way, and won't be pleasing you sexually. So you are in the realm of your own dreamy world there. Maybe you just need a bossy partner taking the lead and tying you up.

2. Deception. You figured your girlfriend will never find out. You are just assuming. But what if she one day asks: have you ever paid anyone for a sexual act? Then you'll have two options: either lie or tell the truth. If you're going to lie, you'll have broken the trust between the two of you and you might also have to deal with a sense of guilt for the rest of your life. If you tell the truth, she might want to dig deeper and know when that happened. And the rest might not turn out as you expected. There's a chance she might want to end the relationship with you. And you'll have to start all over again finding a new girlfriend. And it's not guaranteed that you'll find one. Yes, there's a chance she won't find out, but just know one thing: she WILL find out if she sets her mind to it.

3. Turn-on factor. Despite the fact that you're trying to convince yourself there won't be any touching, you're going to get aroused by what this paid woman will do to you anyway, which is nonetheless the power she has over you (and that's going to lead to you touching yourself). That memory will be real, not a fantasy anymore. And you'll be able to retrieve that memory whenever, both alone and while with a sexual partner. So yes, it might affect your future with a partner in ways you've never considered.

4. Lack of complicity. It looks like you decided to leave your partner out of your fantasy because you know she won't approve or accept your "itch". This means you know or assume there's no complicity between the two of you. However, that's an important quality for a lifelong or long-term relationship. How can you share your likes and dislikes, fears, dreams, and aspirations if you're scared of being judged by your partner?

5. Feeling like indulging. If you end up enjoying the experience, you'll feel like doing it again. Also, if you have a sub personality, you're naturally more prone to giving in. So you keep claiming it'll be a one-time thing, but you can't really know that now. You'll know for sure after the experience, from which there's no going back. If you're going to develop a dependency, that will impact your finances and your future with any long-term partner.

Advice: Maybe write your own will, as some actions you described can end badly and occasionally lead to death. It was recently in the news that two girls died during the same session, and the dom was experienced. He ended up in prison.

Edited May 26, 2024 by justwhoiam