notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) Dear love shack friends, it’s been years since I have to visit this site. Unfortunately I am back with another heartbreak. This is my second heartbreak. It hurts so bad. I survived my last one and that was a 10 year relationship. This relationship was only 11 months. Shy of 1 year, but now I’m dating in my late 30s and know what I want in a relationship. We met online and hit it off. We both been single for a while and healed from our exs. We hit it off. Perfect pair of couple. Work hard, great careers, gym and fitness lifestyle, eat clean and healthy, same goals in life and love to travel and good physical and sexual chemistry. In 11 months, we traveled to 5 different countries, met each other’s families , spent holidays, new years together. We talked about our future, moving in, marriage and kids in the future. We would fight, and especially on vacations. Things were said that couldn’t have been taking back, but we seem to get through all the fights until this last one. I could tell he loves me so much. He made sacrifices with his job and even moved closer to me. He told me he sees a future and is ready to settle down with me. We communicated via phone everyday. Saw each other 4-5 times a week. Spent all weekend together. When I fight I can be mean and say hurtful things to him and this time I think I pushed it too far. Ex was sick and wanted to sleep at home so he can rest and I avoid getting sick. I took him to get soup and dropped him home. He asked me to come inside for a little , but it was late and I wanted him to rest. So I went home. I called him when I got home and he complained that I took the bigger portion of the soup. We shared a bowl of pho and rice plate. Then I called him “greedy”. I guess I didn’t see he was sick, so his point was I should have given him all the soup. (Selfish on my part). I apologized then he kept making other comments that I don’t support him while he’s stressed at work. I don’t listen and I’m always talking about my new job. He then said I’m going to bed. I got defensive and told him “you’re not sick, I been wanting to say this for a while. I think you’re just lazy and lack any motivation”. he was shocked and said “that’s f’ up” I then said “good night , take care and hung up on him” I woke up the next am and told him I will be over after the gym to talk. He removed his shared location from the iPhone and said “I had a great time, it’s over now. I wish you the best. Good luck on your search” . I didn’t reply. Gave him a day. Tried calling him the last few days no response. I even went over and he wouldn’t open the door. I left a sorry letter and dinner by the door and still no response. I need some guidance as I am breaking down. Will he come back from this? I know he loves me, but he’s being really mean by not even responding and breaking up via text. do you guys think he will come back after he’s less mad or moved on? He hasn’t returned my things, but it’s been only 6 days. Edited May 24 by notyouraveragebabe Adding Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 1 hour ago, notyouraveragebabe said: Dear love shack friends, it’s been years since I have to visit this site. Unfortunately I am back with another heartbreak. This is my second heartbreak. It hurts so bad. I survived my last one and that was a 10 year relationship. This relationship was only 11 months. Shy of 1 year, but now I’m dating in my late 30s and know what I want in a relationship. We met online and hit it off. We both been single for a while and healed from our exs. We hit it off. Perfect pair of couple. Work hard, great careers, gym and fitness lifestyle, eat clean and healthy, same goals in life and love to travel and good physical and sexual chemistry. In 11 months, we traveled to 5 different countries, met each other’s families , spent holidays, new years together. We talked about our future, moving in, marriage and kids in the future. We would fight, and especially on vacations. Things were said that couldn’t have been taking back, but we seem to get through all the fights until this last one. I could tell he loves me so much. He made sacrifices with his job and even moved closer to me. He told me he sees a future and is ready to settle down with me. We communicated via phone everyday. Saw each other 4-5 times a week. Spent all weekend together. When I fight I can be mean and say hurtful things to him and this time I think I pushed it too far. Ex was sick and wanted to sleep at home so he can rest and I avoid getting sick. I took him to get soup and dropped him home. He asked me to come inside for a little , but it was late and I wanted him to rest. So I went home. I called him when I got home and he complained that I took the bigger portion of the soup. We shared a bowl of pho and rice plate. Then I called him “greedy”. I guess I didn’t see he was sick, so his point was I should have given him all the soup. (Selfish on my part). I apologized then he kept making other comments that I don’t support him while he’s stressed at work. I don’t listen and I’m always talking about my new job. He then said I’m going to bed. I got defensive and told him “you’re not sick, I been wanting to say this for a while. I think you’re just lazy and lack any motivation”. he was shocked and said “that’s f’ up” I then said “good night , take care and hung up on him” I woke up the next am and told him I will be over after the gym to talk. He removed his shared location from the iPhone and said “I had a great time, it’s over now. I wish you the best. Good luck on your search” . I didn’t reply. Gave him a day. Tried calling him the last few days no response. I even went over and he wouldn’t open the door. I left a sorry letter and dinner by the door and still no response. I need some guidance as I am breaking down. Will he come back from this? I know he loves me, but he’s being really mean by not even responding and breaking up via text. do you guys think he will come back after he’s less mad or moved on? He hasn’t returned my things, but it’s been only 6 days. Those types of words seem much more than an average relationship spat. They seem highly personal and deeply rooted in maybe an underlying issue or something of the sort as well as being quite hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) No, he's not coming back. Why would he come back to abusive words like those you flung at him? Only if he has very low social confidence will he even think about coming back. Your lashing out only means more lashing out will happen whenever you're under stress. Not saying he's perfect, but if he's got an ounce of sense and judgment, he should not be coming back. Now, there is something else for you to learn here. "you’re not sick, I been wanting to say this for a while. I think you’re just lazy and lack any motivation”. Those words sound like something you deeply and truly feel. And if so, you ought not to have been dating this guy. He wasn't up to your standards. So you were bound to explode. Edited May 24 by Lotsgoingon 3 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 22 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: No, he's not coming back. Why would he come back to abusive words like those you flung at him? Only if he has very low social confidence will he even think about coming back. Your lashing out only means more lashing out will happen whenever you're under stress. Not saying he's perfect, but if he's got an ounce of sense and judgment, he should not be coming back. Now, there is something else for you to learn here. "you’re not sick, I been wanting to say this for a while. I think you’re just lazy and lack any motivation”. Those words sound like something you deeply and truly feel. And if so, you ought not to have been dating this guy. He wasn't up to your standards. So you were bound to explode. Agreed ^^^. The lazy reference did not just come out of “left field.” It was about something specific Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 Eeeekkkkk. I didn’t see how deep that wounded him. We have been talking about him going back to school, but he says he’s busy with his current job. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 Just now, notyouraveragebabe said: Eeeekkkkk. I didn’t see how deep that wounded him. We have been talking about him going back to school, but he says he’s busy with his current job. You were very hurtful towards him which is never easy to get over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: You were very hurtful towards him which is never easy to get over. I can’t believe he broke up with me via text. We had a great relationship and were so close. I sent him several apology texts and even a letter with dinner. No response. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) 4 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said: I can’t believe he broke up with me via text. We had a great relationship and were so close. I sent him several apology texts and even a letter with dinner. No response. It seems that he saw a side of you that he just didn’t like and decided to bolt. It’s probably a good lesson to learn that being hurtful/degrading to another rarely leads to anything GOOD in the end. Edited May 24 by happyhorizons 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) The nastier someone is to us, the less we owe them a face-to-face meeting. We might especially avoid a face-to-face meeting if know we're done with the relationship and we fear we will back down and resume in a bad relationship. The only reason for him to meet with you in person is if you had convinced him that you understand how wrong you were and that you have a specific plan to rid yourself of the urge to lash out with such nastiness Apologies ain't enough. People need action and evidence of action if they are going to forgive and keep going. Look, it's quite likely (almost guaranteed) that you have lashed out at partner before--probably at him (with less intensity) and at others before him. Why haven't you looked into this before? Bottom: unless own up to how toxic your words were (with NO excuses!) and unless you spell out in detail that you are on a path of change (needs to be quite specific-like appointments scheduled with several therapists) he has no obligation to meet with you. Edited May 24 by Lotsgoingon 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 This is the closure I needed. I been waiting for him to reply to me. I don’t think he will. yes, you guys are correct I have lashed out before, but not to this extent. He thought I would change, he mentioned I haven’t changed on another occasion. i am seeking therapy. This anger he knows it stems from a lot. I had a hard upbringing by and lost my mom to cancer to gang violence, watched my brother murdered in front of me and abandon by my dad. I am all alone in this world. This lost is hard on me as I finally found someone who loved me, but I ruined it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 26 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said: I can’t believe he broke up with me via text. We had a great relationship and were so close. I sent him several apology texts and even a letter with dinner. No response. How do you think he feels? He also thought you had a great relationship....but then you showed your true colours and he (quite sensibly) ran for the hills. It was good of you to send an apology, but some actions really aren't forgivable, and nor should they be. This relationship can't be fixed, but you can fix yourself. I strongly suggest you get some anger management classes so that you can learn address problems respectfully. Further, learn what to look for in a partner and how they address issues too. I mean this guy actually called you to complain that you took the bigger soup??? WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 17 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: The nastier someone is to us, the less we owe them a face-to-face meeting. We might especially avoid a face-to-face meeting if know we're done with the relationship and we fear we will back down and resume in a bad relationship. The only reason for him to meet with you in person is if you had convinced him that you understand how wrong you were and that you have a specific plan to rid yourself of the urge to lash out with such nastiness Apologies ain't enough. People need action and evidence of action if they are going to forgive and keep going. Look, it's quite likely (almost guaranteed) that you have lashed out at partner before--probably at him (with less intensity) and at others before him. Why haven't you looked into this before? Bottom: unless own up to how toxic your words were (with NO excuses!) and unless you spell out in detail that you are on a path of change (needs to be quite specific-like appointments scheduled with several therapists) he has no obligation to meet with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 1 minute ago, basil67 said: How do you think he feels? He also thought you had a great relationship....but then you showed your true colours and he (quite sensibly) ran for the hills. It was good of you to send an apology, but some actions really aren't forgivable, and nor should they be. This relationship can't be fixed, but you can fix yourself. I strongly suggest you get some anger management classes so that you can learn address problems respectfully. Further, learn what to look for in a partner and how they address issues too. I mean this guy actually called you to complain that you took the bigger soup??? WTF? Yes, thats why the argument started. I said wow over the size of the soup. I told him I wanted to try it first before he puts his germs on it. I didn’t want soup. I just wanted to try a little. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 1 minute ago, notyouraveragebabe said: Yes, thats why the argument started. I said wow over the size of the soup. I told him I wanted to try it first before he puts his germs on it. I didn’t want soup. I just wanted to try a little. So you had a single spoonful of soup and he complained that you ate most of it? Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 Just now, notyouraveragebabe said: Yes, thats why the argument started. I said wow over the size of the soup. I told him I wanted to try it first before he puts his germs on it. I didn’t want soup. I just wanted to try a little. 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: How do you think he feels? He also thought you had a great relationship....but then you showed your true colours and he (quite sensibly) ran for the hills. It was good of you to send an apology, but some actions really aren't forgivable, and nor should they be. This relationship can't be fixed, but you can fix yourself. I strongly suggest you get some anger management classes so that you can learn address problems respectfully. Further, learn what to look for in a partner and how they address issues too. I mean this guy actually called you to complain that you took the bigger soup??? WTF? Basil does not realize HOW SERIOUSLY SOME PEOPLE are about their soup and this guy was SERIOUS. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 Just now, basil67 said: So you had a single spoonful of soup and he complained that you ate most of it? She probably picked out the key pieces in the soup or something like that. Here's a novel idea......GO GET AN EXTRA BOWL of SOUP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 6 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said: i am seeking therapy. This anger he knows it stems from a lot. I had a hard upbringing by and lost my mom to cancer to gang violence, watched my brother murdered in front of me and abandon by my dad. I am all alone in this world. This lost is hard on me as I finally found someone who loved me, but I ruined it. I'm sorry you went through all of the above but it still isn't a good reason to talk down to people. These are your problems, not his. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) I don't understand about the soup. You said you took him to buy the soup and then took him home. If you were hungry why didn't you buy your own soup or something else and let him have all of his soup since he was sick. Edited May 24 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 10 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said: Yes, thats why the argument started. I said wow over the size of the soup. I told him I wanted to try it first before he puts his germs on it. I didn’t want soup. I just wanted to try a little. Trying the soup before him (he's sick) should not be a big deal especially between people that are dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 8 minutes ago, basil67 said: So you had a single spoonful of soup and he complained that you ate most of it? I split the bowl 50/50, but I placed his pho in a smaller side bowl. So he didn’t like that it was a smaller bowl. I called him “greedy” for thinking that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 Just now, notyouraveragebabe said: I split the bowl 50/50, but I placed his pho in a smaller side bowl. So he didn’t like that it was a smaller bowl. I called him “greedy” for thinking that way. I also said I’ll just take a couple of bites of the bigger bowl and give to him as I’m dieting. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 Just now, notyouraveragebabe said: I split the bowl 50/50, but I placed his pho in a smaller side bowl. So he didn’t like that it was a smaller bowl. I called him “greedy” for thinking that way. You are probably not wrong there. He should be a gentleman and not make a big deal over something so trivial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: I don't understand about the soup. You said you took him to buy the soup and then took him home. If you were hungry why didn't you buy your own soup or something else and let him have all of his soup since he was sick. That’s why he was upset. I didn’t want to eat all a pho soup bowl, so I said let me try just a little. I don’t want to order an entire soup if I won’t finish it. But I guess his point was he’s sick he wanted his own. I was thinking we had ordered a lot of food soup, fried rice, fried chicken, wontons. So I didn’t want to order 2 soups. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 (edited) 4 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said: I split the bowl 50/50, but I placed his pho in a smaller side bowl. So he didn’t like that it was a smaller bowl. I called him “greedy” for thinking that way. No, you said that you didn't want soup, you just wanted to try a little of his. Then you ate half of it???? I think that you were the greedy one here...you should have just put a couple of spoons worth in the smaller bowl for yourself I now understand why he was annoyed. Edited May 24 by basil67 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author notyouraveragebabe Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 Just now, basil67 said: No, you said that you didn't want soup, you just wanted to try a little of his. Then you ate half of it???? I think that you were the greedy one here I now understand why he was annoyed. He ended up ordering his own soup, so I ended up eating it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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