Seeing friends

[Mike321]

My wife and I have been married about 5 years. She moved here from far away so she doesn't have many friends here.

 

I am a very social person that loves to see my friend a lot.

 

I have a weeknight every week that I see some friends. I'm supposed to have another one as well but usually miss it. Additionally, I'd like to be able to go out on some weekends.

 

When I see my friends we only play board games or play sports. On the weekend I'd like to go for hikes. I'm never out late. Never go partying. Never come home drunk (I have one beer if any at most).

 

Twice per year my friends and I like to go away for a board game weekend (we've only just started this about a year ago).

 

My wife is not happy with all of this. She usually tells me to go but then frequently (maybe 2 out of 3 outings) gets mad about me going. It's starting to affect our relationship. She feels that I prioritize my friends over her because of these outings. I feel scared to ask her for permission. My friends are also getting tired of me not coming or taking too long to confirm etc...

 

I should point out that all my friends are also married for approximately the same amount of time and I seem to be the only one that isn't free to go out whenever.

 

For me, I just really enjoy/need to socialize. It's never that I need time away from her. I invite her to join pretty much every single event, she just isn't interested (which I understand).

 

What should I do? I've tried taking about it and nothing has changed. Am I asking for too much? Should I accept that this is what is normal in marriage?

[basil67]

What kind of nice things do you do with your wife?

[Gebidozo]

OP, if you rarely take your wife out on dates, but regularly go out with your friends, I can understand why she’d be upset. 

If, however, you go out with her at least as much as with your friends, regularly take her out to dinners, activities, trips, and so on, then I think she has no reason to oppose your social gatherings. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Are you sure you want to be married?

[Mike321]

Yes we do regularly do things together. For the most part she is the one choosing what activities we do together and I'm happy with that.

I'm getting the impression that people think this is too much. That's really what I'm curious to know

[Els]

Some context is needed. Do you have kids or are you childfree? When you say you'd like to go out with your friends on weekends, do you mean the whole weekend or just for a Sunday evening (and the rest of the time is free to spend with your wife)? Do you spend at least as much time taking your wife out on dates as you do with your friends?

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Mike321 said:

Yes we do regularly do things together. For the most part she is the one choosing what activities we do together and I'm happy with that.

I'm getting the impression that people think this is too much. That's really what I'm curious to know

If you dedicate to your wife at least as much time as you dedicate to all your friends combined, I do believe that she shouldn’t be complaining about your nights out with friends. 

You even offered to take her with you on those friend nights. You don’t have to do that, your time with friends is your time with friends, and it’s actually quite important to spend some time apart. Just make sure you aren’t neglecting your wife on all those other days.

[Mike321]

No there are no children.

The weekend outings would mostly be playing a sport for 2 hours. But there could be the rare 12 hour hike or similar.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Mike321 said:

No there are no children.

The weekend outings would mostly be playing a sport for 2 hours. But there could be the rare 12 hour hike or similar.

Sounds reasonable to me. I regularly spend 2-3 hours twice a week gaming with my friends, and I'm married. If you had kids, then that would be a different story.

But at the end of the day, I'm not sure how this will help you? Somehow I doubt that telling your wife that "people on the internet say it's OK" will achieve the result that you desire. Have you had a heart-to-heart with her about what exactly troubles her about your time with friends? If she feels that you are prioritizing your friends over her, is there some deeper issue going on, and might there be a way to solve the issue of her feeling deprioritized without giving up your friends? E.g. when you come home after work most days, maybe make a more concerted effort to spend quality time together?

Edited May 26 by Els

[Gaeta]

She needs to find her own passion/sport/hobby. She relies too much on you to fill her free time and make her happy. 

[FredEire]

It's about balance. If you already do a good amount of things together I think she's out of line denying you some time by yourself with your friends. Marriage shouldn't mean the death of all social life outside it.

[ZA Dater]

Perhaps she feels insecure about said friends and their perceived level of influence on you?

[justwhoiam]

On 5/26/2024 at 1:14 AM, Mike321 said:

My wife and I have been married about 5 years. She moved here from far away so she doesn't have many friends here.

First of all, why did you post this in the dating forum? Your issue is about a married couple. I flagged this thread so that they can move it to the marriage forum.

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I am a very social person that loves to see my friend a lot.

 Are you saying that she's not very social? Didn't you notice when you were dating her? Did you meet her friends where she used to live and her new friends in town?

Quote

I have a weeknight every week that I see some friends. I'm supposed to have another one as well but usually miss it. Additionally, I'd like to be able to go out on some weekends.

The question is: is meeting the same friends three times a week cutting into your time with your wife too much? My answer is: yes. Absolutely.

But most of all, let's talk about the elephant in the room. She left everything to be with you. Let that sink in. You can't do without your friends ONE effing week, and she left family, friends, hometown, possibly a job or anyway whatever was familiar to her and could give her comfort, especially on an emotional level. You're talking about entertainment (board games) and have a hard time letting that go. Pretty futile.

As you compared your married life to that of your friends, are they in the same situation as you? Do they also have a wife who moved from far away and no family nearby? Are they also without kids? Do the wives stay at home when you guys go out on weekends, or do they join their husbands?

On 5/26/2024 at 9:50 AM, Mike321 said:

Yes we do regularly do things together. For the most part she is the one choosing what activities we do together and I'm happy with that.

I'm getting the impression that people think this is too much. That's really what I'm curious to know

Yes, you're spending too much time playing games and putting zero effort into planning things with her. In fact, you just wrote that it's always her finding places to go or things to do. This means that, as a husband, you're really falling short, especially considering you're a young couple.

On 5/26/2024 at 6:46 PM, Mike321 said:

No there are no children.

The weekend outings would mostly be playing a sport for 2 hours. But there could be the rare 12 hour hike or similar.

It's not surprising you don't have children. Let me ask you a tough question: if you had to choose between making love with her or playing with your friends, which would you pick and why?

After you provide all these answers, I'll be able to offer more insights.

Edited May 30 by justwhoiam

[Lotsgoingon]

There are two approaches you can take.

One approach is to focus on your time being "social" and look to reduce that. 

Another approach is to start with your wife and what she's feeling. What do you think would make her happy? Does she want you and her to go out together more often? Does she want you two to sit and watch movies together more often? Does she want just more overall attention and tenderness and a greater feeling of connection and closeness? 

Someone can engage in all the activities you're engaged in AND give great attention and support to a partner so that the partner really feels appreciated. In this case, you going out is minor because the time she has with you is fulfilling to her.  Or a person can engage in the activities you're engaged in and NOT give your spouse the closeness and attention and tenderness she wants. In this case, the time you are out being social feels bad to her because she is not feeling all that connected to you (or appreciated by you) when you're with her. 

Look, I've been the one like you who wanted to go out a lot and really that was because I wasn't all that connected to my partner at the time. I wasn't mean to my partner, but I certainly didn't celebrate and look forward to the time I had with her. I can't tell how much attention you are giving your partner. Now yes, there are super needy people out there who want their partner's attention 24/7. But I'm not sure that's your wife. 

I wonder if you're simply going through the motions of coupledom when you're with her. 

Edited May 30 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

Yes going solo once in awhile is ok but why are you not doing things with other couples? and doing things as a group with her and your friends together? 

[Els]

8 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

It's not surprising you don't have children.

Okay, just to be clear, I was the one who asked the OP this question, and the reason I asked him is because the disparity in childcare responsibilities could be a valid reason for his wife to be upset, if they did have children. Young children need to be watched the entire time they are awake, and so most parents of young children don't have the luxury of hanging out with their friends twice a week, at least without burdening their partner too much. Being childfree, however, is also a completely valid choice and it does mean that you have more free time to spend with your friends.

Quote

Let me ask you a tough question: if you had to choose between making love with her or playing with your friends, which would you pick and why?

Oh for chrissakes. The OP spends 5-6 days a week with his wife, with nobody else in the house. They have plenty of time to make love.

Quote

She left everything to be with you. Let that sink in. You can't do without your friends ONE effing week, and she left family, friends, hometown, possibly a job or anyway whatever was familiar to her and could give her comfort, especially on an emotional level.

She presumably moved at least 5 years ago. 5 years is enough for  most people to make new friends if they wanted to. If she doesn't want to, she has the option of spending the time that the OP is away, skyping or facetiming her friends/family.

And yes, I've been in an LDR and moved for it before. I know what it's like. It's not an excuse for relying on the other person to be your whole world 5 years into the move.

55 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Someone can engage in all the activities you're engaged in AND give great attention and support to a partner so that the partner really feels appreciated. In this case, you going out is minor because the time she has with you is fulfilling to her.  Or a person can engage in the activities you're engaged in and NOT give your spouse the closeness and attention and tenderness she wants. In this case, the time you are out being social feels bad to her because she is not feeling all that connected to you (or appreciated by you) when you're with her. 

I tend to agree with this. I suspect that the root of the problem isn't the amount of time that he spends with his wife, but rather the quality of that time.

Edited May 30 by Els

[Lotsgoingon]

20 minutes ago, Els said:

I suspect that the root of the problem isn't the amount of time that he spends with his wife, but rather the quality of that time.

OMG, I know a lot of people (I want to say mostly men) who seem to think closeness is all about quantity of time--or errands.  I've certainly done that. But time does not in itself make up for lack of real connection and attention. BTW: I know so many couples who thought that a vacation would solve their relationship problems. But even if the couple had a reasonably good time, rarely did the vacation time solve the relationship problems back home in normal life. 

[Els]

59 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OMG, I know a lot of people (I want to say mostly men) who seem to think closeness is all about quantity of time--or errands.  I've certainly done that. But time does not in itself make up for lack of real connection and attention. BTW: I know so many couples who thought that a vacation would solve their relationship problems. But even if the couple had a reasonably good time, rarely did the vacation time solve the relationship problems back home in normal life. 

For sure. I think the only "issue" that a vacation solves is if the couple feels like their daily life is in a rut and they want to change things up a bit. For everything else, nah. Vacations are fun but they're not exactly couples therapy.

Now, having fun together is IMO a crucial part of a relationship and a cornerstone that makes everything else better. But vacations aren't the only way to have fun, especially if funds are tight.

Edited May 30 by Els

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree @Elsa vacation can be a fantastic break for a couple, but it's not therapy or deep problem solving. 

[justwhoiam]

2 hours ago, Els said:

Okay, just to be clear, I was the one who asked the OP this question.

Irrelevant to my question to the OP.

Quote

The OP spends 5-6 days a week with his wife, with nobody else in the house. They have plenty of time to make love.

I won't address your cursing, as that speaks for itself. You're entitled to form your own assumptions. My question to the OP was related to his preferences in real everyday life if he had to choose. For your information, more than 60% of US couples have sex less than once a week (2020 data).

[basil67]

OP hasn't returned for a number of days...

[Lotsgoingon]

Too bad because I've learned a lot from reading this thread and from thinking about OP's issues for myself. 

[Gebidozo]

This is one of those cases where the other partner’s interpretation of the situation must be heard

It’s impossible to know whether the OP spends quality time with his wife or not, because we don’t know what his wife’s quality requirements are.

If it’s only about the quantity of times spent with the wife, then I think most people here agree that the OP isn’t neglecting her quantity-wise and is entitled to his nights out with friends.

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

She left everything to be with you. Let that sink in. You can't do without your friends ONE effing week, and she left family, friends, hometown, possibly a job or anyway whatever was familiar to her and could give her comfort, especially on an emotional level.

Sorry, but that’s just not the right way to see it. Leaving everything to be with the OP was his wife’s choice. He didn’t force her or coerce her to do that. Just because she doesn’t have many friends doesn’t mean that he should abandon his own.

And I don’t see where you get it from that the OP neglects his wife that much. He is spending more time with her than with his friends. You wouldn’t ask him to dedicate all his available time to her, right?

 

[justwhoiam]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry, but that’s just not the right way to see it. Leaving everything to be with the OP was his wife’s choice. He didn’t force her or coerce her to do that. Just because she doesn’t have many friends doesn’t mean that he should abandon his own.

And I don’t see where you get it from that the OP neglects his wife that much. He is spending more time with her than with his friends. You wouldn’t ask him to dedicate all his available time to her, right?

We agree on one thing. We don't know all the details.

Is she working during the week, making nights and weekends their only time together? Even if she isn’t working, he must be, as someone needs to pay the bills. So, the scenario remains the same. Therefore, I'm considering that he'd want to spend almost half of that time (three outings a week with the same friends) playing games. We know very little about anything else. Who's cleaning the house? Who's doing the laundry? Who does the cooking? If she's left alone at night and on weekends, and he's not around most of the time, then no, it's not a nice arrangement.

Anyway, I asked for details and gave my opinion. It'd be different if it weren’t a fixed commitment, but more relaxed and casual, so that if something comes up that night (a birthday, an event, a concert) and he doesn’t go, it’s not the end of the world or a reason for him to complain. And diversifying his interests to include the wife too, but not necessarily.