I've ended a 8 year affair but it's killing me

[BaileyB]

 

4 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

we have slept together 5 times in total in just over a year, which isn’t a lot given the opportunities we could have taken to make it more.

Justification - what we have done isn’t so bad…We could have behaved way worse. 

4 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

No time what so ever was planned in any form of communication

Justification - lack of planning does not decrease the betrayal to your spouse. 

4 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

To me, affairs are full blown love relationships off the back of the primary one. Where the couple have a hidden flat, and meet in hotels, and engage in regular replanned sex with sexy underwear ect ect, this is the absolute opposite to us.

Justification - you are in a full blown love relationship. You have met privately and secretly, and you have admitted that you knew there was potential for the meeting to become sexual - we’re you not wearing sexy underwear because that is the only difference that I see based on your “definition” of an affair? 

4 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

the thing is he is genuinely my best friend, I have known him since I was 14, I care about him, I always have, and I have love for him the same I would any friend I’ve known over 20 years. Yes I’m attracted to him emotionally and sexually which is different to a normal friend, but still I’m referring to friendship as that’s how it feels. 

I have a very good friend that I have known for 35 years now… He is married my best friend. We all went to high school together. When she went away to school, he was lonely and missing her, so we used to go to movies and hang out together sometimes. Never once have I had sex with him. I’ve never kissed him. We’ve never had a long and intimate conversation on the phone or even in person… why not, you ask? Because I respect my friend and he respects his wife too much to cross that line. Do you see the difference here - this is not a friendship. What I have is a friendship. You are in a relationship with the man - a sexual relationship at that. And, when you are married that is called “an affair” - however you try to spin it… 

I would ask you - why have you not shown your husband the respect to keep an appropriate boundary with your “friend?” Does he not deserve that?

Edited May 16 by BaileyB

[GNRFan]

I think i read your other thread. You have zero respect for your husband. The amount of infidelity occurrences does not negate the fact that you cheated and had an affair. You were pregnant if I am not mistaken. Your husband deserves better. You are asking the same question in different ways but the answer is still the same. If you lipstick on a pig, its a still is a pig, another words, you had an affair, on your own volition. It is not a series of mistakes but rather consciously calculated series of actions. 

[rozlyn]

12 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

 

Thank you for the reply: I know people will believe that statement to be untrue, but until you’re in it it’s hard to associate with. In my head; affairs are love, they are secret hotels and flats, with sexy lingerie and basically a whole relationship off the back of your primary one. 
 

this with us is genuine friendship, he says I’m his best friend and he’s definitely mine. There is no one I can talk to or tell things too like him, our souls just connect. We have never planned sex, and I would never do anything to internally harm his marriage. I’m confused what we are, what he is to me and what I am to him. I even ended up pregnant a few months ago, and if that didn’t complicate things enough I don’t know what will. 

You can't say you never would harm his marriage. You are harming his marriage and yours!! If you find time alone together than thats planning something. Ppl dont just accidently cheat. It takes alot of bad choices to get to that. If you think you don't have control of yourself in certain situations than don't put yourself in those situations. Don't make room for error. How would you like if your husband was doing that to you? Truth always comes out somewhere and it'll hurt a lot if ppl.

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

I also would never leave my husband. I’m better off with my husband, and I do love him dearly.

People who love and respect their spouse don’t carry on extramarital affairs for years…

[Gebidozo]

18 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

I’m having what people would most likely refer to as an affair, this isn’t something we have labeled it.

You are having an affair, regardless of what you’ve labeled it.

19 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

When does this end?

When you get caught, or when you decide to end it, or when you both divorce your respective spouses. Who knows. The question you should ask yourself is what do you want? I hope you realize that the current situation is unacceptable and will invariably end badly?

19 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

And maintain we are happy within our marriages.

You are both deluding yourselves.

19 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

I love my husband, but sexually he doesn’t make me feel like the other man does. 

Then you don’t love him, period. Not as a husband, not as a man. If you truly love someone romantically, that person makes you feel like no one else, and you don’t cheat on that person, especially not on such a high emotional level. Please stop deluding yourself.

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

this with us is genuine friendship, he says I’m his best friend and he’s definitely mine. There is no one I can talk to or tell things too like him, our souls just connect. We have never planned sex, and I would never do anything to internally harm his marriage. I’m confused what we are, what he is to me and what I am to him.

Best friends don’t have romantic feelings and sex with each other. 

There is no confusion as to what you and he are. You’re lovers, and you’re having an affair, cheating on your spouses.

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

That’s what I’m unsure of, isit lust, isit love, isit sex, is it escape, is it a mental breakdown, is it mutual. 
 

can lust last 20 years, becus I know how I feel is how I’ve always felt, I would never ever so much as talk to another man and be dishonest with my husband, but with him it doesn’t feel like cheating, it feels so right. I know it’s from, but it doesn’t feel wrong. 
 

would I really risk a life I love for just lust, or sex or something so insignificant. 

It sounds like you’re in love with that man.

I can’t fathom why you’re even considering staying with your husband, while you’re been having such strong feelings for another man for such a long time. Whether he has the same feelings to you and whether you should be together with him is another question, but why do you wish to keep living a lie? Why don’t you set your husband free, so that he’ll be able to find a woman who truly loves him?

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

Our children are very young still, his especially and I know he would never break up the family due to them, and also the fact I genuinely know he loves his wife.

Men who genuinely love their wives don’t cheat on them.

It’s a good thing that at least he’s been honest with you about never divorcing his wife. You know where you stand. He’ll never be yours. Stop all contact with him and start working on erasing him from your heart and mind.

And set your husband free. You don’t truly love him. No man can be happy with a wife who’s been in an emotional, and then physical affair with another man for 20 years. 

[Gebidozo]

OP, what exactly are you trying to do here?

It appears to me that you’re having conscience pangs and are now desperately looking for justification and outside approval of your behavior in order to quell them.

This is a futile task. You are cheating, you are having an affair, you’re being dishonest. Period. Nobody here is going to lie to you in order to give you false consolation. Please be honest with yourself. Stop looking for useless justifications, accept your guilt and try to put an end to that unhealthy, harmful situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

a series of 5 accidents

I'm sorry, but get real. 

These were not accidents. They were consicous choices on both your parts. 

10 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

affairs are full blown love relationships off the back of the primary one. Where the couple have a hidden flat, and meet in hotels, and engage in regular replanned sex with sexy underwear ect ect, this is the absolute opposite to us.

Again, get real. You are making excuses and have come up with a convenient definition in an attempt to minimize and absolve yourself of your hurtful behaviour. What you are doing is cheating, no matter what other labels you assign to it (or not) Who cares if you're besties with this man? It's still cheating and it's still absolutely wrong. 

 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

im confused if this between us, a series of 5 accidents, that wasn’t planned, and we both know is wrong, is classed as an affair or a string of unhealthy choices. ... And I’m beginning to realise just how complex and complicated life really is 😔 

Look, while I do get that life can be complicated, "your definition" seems to set the bar really high. You're emotionally and sexually attracted, communicate with the person, AND have acted on your sexual attraction multiple times.

I mean, if you want to "define" what you're doing as an "emotional affair" and a series of trysts, that's fine for you I suppose - but at some point you have to ask "what's the difference". You've "cheated" with the same guy several times, but you're not "in an affair". Uh, sure, I guess.

Being realistic I very much doubt the nuances of your definitions are going to matter much to your partners should they ever find out.

[mark clemson]

On 5/16/2024 at 2:35 AM, Gina1011 said:

 When does this end? We’ve never spoke of love, or running away. And maintain we are happy within our marriages.

It ends when one of you decides to stop doing it OR if one of your spouses somehow finds out and insists that you stop contact.

 

Quote

how does it end

That will depend a lot on specifics. IF no one ever finds out, it may "fizzle out" eventually and you mutually lose interest. OR there may be a decision to end it and possibly a lot of emotional goodbyes between you two.

If a spouse finds out it will probably end abruptly. There may (or may not) be a divorce and possibly some or a LOT of acrimony. There is a small, but real, risk of "theatrics" intended to humiliate you or the "friend," and also a small but real risk of violence.

Chances are it will be at least somewhat messy, even if that's only emotionally. (And to note, that's true of monogamous relationships ending too.)

Edited May 17 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Men who genuinely love their wives don’t cheat on them.

And set your husband free. You don’t truly love him. No man can be happy with a wife who’s been in an emotional, and then physical affair with another man for 20 years. 

Open your mind a bit - people are more flexible than these blanket generalizations. (This doesn't mean I'm saying OP is ethically right to do what she's doing, I'm just pointing out the whole variability thing that's come up in other threads.)  Love is not only one state of mind/set of behaviors defined in one way by one person.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Open your mind a bit - people are more flexible than these blanket generalizations. (This doesn't mean I'm saying OP is ethically right to do what she's doing, I'm just pointing out the whole variability thing that's come up in other threads.)  Love is not only one state of mind/set of behaviors defined in one way by one person.

I know what you mean. I think in the end our responses are always based on our experiences, which are obviously different and personal, so sometimes the same person would appear more open-minded and lenient in one thread and completely uncompromising in another.

Since I used to be a cheater myself in the past, I just can’t stress enough how destructive cheating is and how it’s incompatible with real love felt by a mature person.

[mark clemson]

We could have a debate but I think it wouldn't be productive. Your views are reasonable and make sense.

[MsJayne]

On 5/17/2024 at 5:16 AM, Gina1011 said:

Where the couple have a hidden flat, and meet in hotels, and engage in regular replanned sex with sexy underwear ect ect, this is the absolute opposite to us.

So you just happen to find yourself alone with your best friend, and even though you're wearing neck-high tummy-control undies and compression stockings, the passion just takes over and you throw caution to the wind. Doesn't matter whether you pre-arrange these meetings in a budget motel or just happen to to bump into each other in a McDonalds carpark, the intent and choice is the same. I watched that doco on Ashley Madison yesterday, well, about 45 minutes of it, that was all I could take because my Bored-To-Death-Ometer was peaking, and the self-delusive justifications people come up with to make their affair 'forgivable' are an exploration into the sheer power of denial. You keep going back for more, so you're having an affair, and there's no "chance" involved. And a true friend would never jeopardise your marriage or your family in any way, so maybe rethink that 'best friend' tag. 

[GNRFan]

It could end with you telling your husband the truth and letting him divorce you so he can find a loyal trustworthy wife who respects him.

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

It could end with you telling your husband the truth and letting him divorce you so he can find a loyal trustworthy wife who respects him.

I like this^ outcome.  It would be what's best for all.

[Gemini]

Oh how we live very similar exact lives. In answer to where it’s going… I don’t think nobody knows where our lives will lead. Everything happens for a reason. 
For me, I too love my family and want my kids waking up with both parents everyday and I know my ‘the lover’ feels the same. In our beginning we were just to early for one another now we seem to be too late. I’d like to think one day eventually we’ll end up together. Being around one another is so intense and addictive and the absolute mind blowing sex of a connection is out of this world! When together I don’t understand how something that feels so right is yet so wrong. 

[Gina101]

I’ve recently ended an 8 year affair but I’m in process. I didn’t end it because anything bad happened between me and my affair partner, and I didn’t end it bcus my husband found out. I was on really amazing terms with both men, and happy. I’m not entirely sure why I did chose to end it, I know it was something I was contemplating for a while secretly, we met the night before and as I hugged him goodbye i knew this would be the last time I saw him. I tried to end things civilily but I think given the shock of what I was saying he got upright, and just told me to end it if that’s what I wanted. I’ve blocked him on all avenues of communication, but I haven’t yet deleted our memories of photos and videos together, that was always kept in a secret folder on my phone. The point is I’m hurting so bad without him, it feels exactly like a breakup, he was my best friend, my soul mate, god how I loved him. Without him there is such an empty space, I’ve tried filling my free time with hobbies and interests but I find he’s on my mind like an obsession, even more so than when we was speaking. I’ve recently had to take two weeks of sick leave from work as I can’t concentrate and it’s showing in my place of work. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake and the last person I think of before bed, I go through the day feeling down and depressed (I’ve never suffered mental health before) I have no appetite and absolutely no interest in anything atall, my sex drive has deserted me, and overall I feel ashamed but like I need him back, heartbroken but I know I’ve made the right decision. I’m not sure why I’m here, as I don’t really have a question, I guess it’s becus I have no one to turn too, no one to talk to about this, I have looked into counciling but financially I can’t afford it. I’m trying to remain focused on my family and my husband, he loves the bones of me, I have a good life and I know time is a healer. My husband doesn’t know as such, but it would be stupid to assume he’s never suspected. Especially the past year, he has said he loves me, and that even if I’m cheating he would never leave me becus he loves me too much, it hurts me to know he has some idea but I also feel slightly relieved that he knows but has chose to stay, and doesn’t feel like complete betrayal on my part. I don’t what I took part in was immoral, and I deserve every bit of hurt I’m feeling, so I’m not looking for comments from people stating that, I’m more hoping to find someone in a similar situation or someone who has came out the other side. Is there light at the end of the tunnel, can I ever feel happy and satisfied without him, will the need for contact ever fade? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gina101 said:

I’m more hoping to find someone in a similar situation or someone who has came out the other side.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), that’s not me… but I still wanted to send you a hug. 

This too shall pass… it will get better. Everything always does. 
 

1 hour ago, Gina101 said:

Can I ever feel happy and satisfied without him, will the need for contact ever fade? 

I don’t know that the desire to be in contact with this man who has been such a huge part of your life for so many years will ever fade - but that doesn’t mean that you can’t let go and walk away… It also doesn’t mean that you won’t find happiness in the future. Happiness and joy can be found in relationships, for sure. But true happiness comes from within. 
 

2 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I haven’t yet deleted our memories of photos and videos together, that was always kept in a secret folder on my phone.

I realize that you feel your husband has granted you some form of safety and security by telling you that he would not leave, even if you cheated - but, I doubt that you would want these photos and videos to be discovered. The hurt that would cause your husband… those photos and videos would have to go - if it was me. I understand your desire to hold onto them - but, I think you know that they have to go. 
 

2 hours ago, Gina101 said:

My husband doesn’t know as such, but it would be stupid to assume he’s never suspected. Especially the past year, he has said he loves me, and that even if I’m cheating he would never leave me because he loves me too much

I would find this absolutely heartbreaking. Your poor husband - I think it’s almost certain that he knows something… I can understand why you may want to see this as some way to absolve the guilt but this just breaks my heart. 

Take care of yourself and best wishes. 

[MsJayne]

Just stick with your decision. Perhaps try to shift your thinking from focusing on the AP to thinking about what’s missing in your marriage and the reasons you got involved in an affair. Do you have children? If not, what’s kept you in the marriage ? 

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, Gina101 said:

The point is I’m hurting so bad without him, it feels exactly like a breakup, he was my best friend, my soul mate, god how I loved him.

If you loved him so much, you would have set your poor husband free and got together with him 8 year ago. Having a relationship rooted in secrecy and deceit can’t be compatible with real love. 

 

10 hours ago, Gina101 said:

Especially the past year, he has said he loves me, and that even if I’m cheating he would never leave me becus he loves me too much

But you don’t love him. Otherwise you wouldn’t be cheating on him for 8 years. I’m not at all sure that your husband’s behavior is necessarily an indicator of deep love. He simply doesn’t respect himself enough to break up with someone who has no respect for him.
 

10 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I’m more hoping to find someone in a similar situation or someone who has came out the other side

I used to be a cheater. 

None of my affairs lasted that long, though. The longest was probably half a year or so. Most of the times, guilt over the shameless lying and hiding overcame me, and I was relieved to be free of deceit and duplicity. A couple of times, I broke up with my then-partner in order to be together with the affair partner.

10 hours ago, Gina101 said:

Is there light at the end of the tunnel, can I ever feel happy and satisfied without him, will the need for contact ever fade? 

There is always light at the end of the tunnel as long as we are alive.

Only time will tell whether you’ll be able to get over him. Again, I can’t fathom why you didn’t get together with him long time ago if you loved him that much. 

If he is your true love, you’ll divorce your husband and be with him. If you don’t do that, then he isn’t your true love, and therefore this infatuation will eventually pass. It’s really as simple as that.

Edited May 27 by Gebidozo

[Gina101]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s really as simple as that.

If only life really was “as simple as that” 

 

thanks, but I don’t agree with most you have said. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I can’t leave as I love my husband and our life together, I want to stay with him until the end of time. But I also love my af and as much as I try I can’t seem to escape that either. This hasn’t happened due to lack of love for me, but from too much. 
 

i understand you have cheated, but cheating and love affairs are not the same in the slightest. I have never “cheated” on a spear of the moment thing, I have never so much as looked at another man. I have been married for 15 years, me and my ap was friends for almost all of that, it was a slow unknown path to where we have arrived. Of course, our spouses are the victims but I wouldn’t wish loving two people, feeling incomplete when with either one becus you miss the other on my worst enemy. 

[Gina101]

1 minute ago, Gina101 said:

If only life really was “as simple as that” 

 

thanks, but I don’t agree with most you have said. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I can’t leave as I love my husband and our life together, I want to stay with him until the end of time. But I also love my af and as much as I try I can’t seem to escape that either. This hasn’t happened due to lack of love for me, but from too much. 
 

i understand you have cheated, but cheating and love affairs are not the same in the slightest. I have never “cheated” on a spear of the moment thing, I have never so much as looked at another man. I have been married for 15 years, me and my ap was friends for almost all of that, it was a slow unknown path to where we have arrived. Of course, our spouses are the victims but I wouldn’t wish loving two people, feeling incomplete when with either one becus you miss the other on my worst enemy. It feels almost like when you have two children, but someone saying you should only love and pick one.